Beanz Posted February 11, 2022 Share Posted February 11, 2022 I need some help, the way my partner phrases a question to ask me to do something absolutely grates my gears and I am not sure why or how to explain it to him. The way he asks me is “Are you ok to…” as in are you ok to put out the washing or are you ok to feed the dog. Let me be clear it is not the task I have issue with as I am more than happy to share the load and we do this as a team quite well, it is just the phrase “are you ok to…” I would prefer if he said “could you please…” or something simple or straight forward like that. I may sound like I am being petty but I can’t put my finger on why that phrase makes me angry and I need help to explain this to him, I feel like the phrase doesn’t give me an option or isn’t as respectful or something. I can’t find the right words. Am I just being silly or is this just not a good phrase to use? Any advice would be greatly appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 11, 2022 Share Posted February 11, 2022 3 hours ago, Beanz said: phrase “are you ok to…” I can’t put my finger on why that phrase makes me angry Passive aggressive roundabout communication is intended to be infuriating and frustrating. These are commands dressed up as insulting questions. In fact it also tries to remove the fact that you're doing a favor. It also implies your fragile or defective. Speak up. Say: "no I'm not ok doing....." every time he asks this way. Then say if you want to do it fine, if you want may cooperation say please and thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 11, 2022 Share Posted February 11, 2022 7 hours ago, Beanz said: Any advice would be greatly appreciated How about a "chore wheel"?? Instead of needing to ask you to do the "day to day" tasks, you each already know what chores are expected (to keep the household running). If its "Laundry Day", go to the hamper, gather up the dirty clothes and do the wash. If its on your side of the "chore wheel" then there won't be any need for this type of phrasing or questioning. At the end of the week, you turn the "chore wheel" and its his turn to do laundry and you do the vacuuming or dusting or whatever is on your chore wheel. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 11, 2022 Share Posted February 11, 2022 7 hours ago, Beanz said: I need some help, the way my partner phrases a question to ask me to do something absolutely grates my gears and I am not sure why or how to explain it to him. The way he asks me is “Are you ok to…” as in are you ok to put out the washing or are you ok to feed the dog. Let me be clear it is not the task I have issue with as I am more than happy to share the load and we do this as a team quite well, it is just the phrase “are you ok to…” I would prefer if he said “could you please…” or something simple or straight forward like that. I may sound like I am being petty but I can’t put my finger on why that phrase makes me angry and I need help to explain this to him, I feel like the phrase doesn’t give me an option or isn’t as respectful or something. I can’t find the right words. Am I just being silly or is this just not a good phrase to use? Any advice would be greatly appreciated You can still say no to “are you ok to”. OR do it before he says anything. Anticipate the need for something done and just do it. No need to even talk about it or “are you ok to.” I don’t think you are silly but I’d explore why that bothers you. It would not bother me. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 11, 2022 Share Posted February 11, 2022 8 hours ago, Beanz said: I would prefer if he said “could you please…” or something simple or straight forward like that. Have you tried actually telling him this? If you've never expressed this to him, nobody knows whether he's doing it intentionally or not. He can't read your mind about it being annoying to you. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 11, 2022 Share Posted February 11, 2022 10 hours ago, Beanz said: I am more than happy to share the load and we do this as a team quite well, it is just the phrase “are you ok to…” I would prefer if he said “could you please…” or something simple or straight forward like that. Come right out and tell him this. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 11, 2022 Share Posted February 11, 2022 (edited) Is this really a big deal? This speech pattern doesn't sound like the hill a healthy relationship should die on. Just putting that out there. There are many ways to work around minor issues with our partners (and some good ones for your specific situation are mentioned above). Flexibility and compromise are among the key ingredients for LTRs. I've seen some recent research suggesting that rather than "perfect," a 5:1 ration of good to bad interactions (importantly NOT no bad interactions) is actually ideal for an LTR. Link below (believe it's an ok link as it's .EDU, but if not you can research via Google). https://www.extension.purdue.edu/extmedia/cfs/cfs-744-w.pdf I would question whether there are "elephants in the room" and your anger at the speech pattern is a way for your feelings to express? Not saying this is so, but I think it's worth you thinking about and asking yourself that. Edited February 11, 2022 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
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