Ex turning kids against me

[PotatoHead]

I should have seen it coming, after 12 years of dealing with her acting crazy and manipulative, trying to control me and my life, that even after separation and divorce I wouldn't be able to escape it completely.  She is now using our 7 and 9 year old daughters to try and make my life hell.

I know I should try not to worry about what she does, I have no control over it and should focus on myself and my relationship with the kids.  But it's hard when she is a master manipulator and tells them all sorts of things about me and my new partner that aren't true.  She has them wrapped around her finger now, and I know she isn't a terrible mom by any means, but before the divorce she would say things like, she hates me and the kids and if we ever get divorced, I can keep them.  She was emotionally unstable.  Well obviously it wasn't that easy, now she's tried filing for primary custody just so she can take everything possible from me.  

Some days when I bring the kids back to my house, I can feel the tension especially from my 9 year old, who is now depressed because of what their mom puts them through.  But she spins everything around and says it's my fault just because I had to get out of the marriage and away from her.  These kids are too young and shouldn't have to be dragged into any of this, I feel so bad for them.  Some days things are great, others I start to feel like I am losing them or they don't even want to be here.  I love every minute I get with my kids, I just worry about what they are going through and whether they will fall for their mother turning them against me some day and not want to come around anymore.  I'm just not sure what I can do.

For some background, we have been separated for over a year and a half, the divorce is still in process because my ex refuses to provide the necessary information to her attorney.

Edited February 11, 2022 by PotatoHead

[vla1120]

Is your attorney aware your wife is doing this? It's called parental alienation and is being more and more frowned upon by judges (depending on where you reside, if you are in the states.) You should have an attorney that is well-versed in and equipped to deal with parental alienation. Also, there are child therapists who specialize in parental alienation. When you have your kids with you, perhaps you can seek therapy for the three of you with someone who specializes in parental alienation. 

[vla1120]

2 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

For some background, we have been separated for over a year and a half, the divorce is still in process because my ex refuses to provide the necessary information to her attorney.

You should be able to proceed with the divorce without her information. You need a proactive attorney.

[vla1120]

2 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

I know she isn't a terrible mom by any means,

Finally,

1. A "good mom" doesn't hurt her children by turning them against their father. 

2. When she complains to them about you, she's telling them she hates half of who they are. 

It sticks in my craw when I hear of parents doing this to their children. They are anything but good parents.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, vla1120 said:

You should be able to proceed with the divorce without her information. You need a proactive attorney.

Agree. Just be the best dad you can be and make sure your kids don't get caught in the crossfire.

[PotatoHead]

Thanks for the advice.  I will look into the parental alienation thing.  Problem is I don't think she is doing it aggressively enough where I would have any evidence to make a case.  The kids seem to have learned to shrug it off most of the time.  But she has planted a seed of resentment in them. 

Part of the problem is I had to relocate the entire family after the separation, the kids have had a hard time coping with the move and she tells them it's my fault we are here.

As far as pushing the divorce along, I have gotten with my attorney multiple times who says he will get with hers and then I hear nothing.  Even though we've been separated a year and a half, papers weren't initially filed until about 8 months ago and she was the one who filed first.

[elaine567]

For some background, your new partner was your OW, both married and you left your spouses for each other. Few ex wives would be happy about that... You are now reaping what you sowed.

[vla1120]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

For some background, your new partner was your OW, both married and you left your spouses for each other. Few ex wives would be happy about that... You are now reaping what you sowed.

I agree with the comment of him reaping what he sowed, but not when it comes to his children. They should be left out of the equation. His ex should not be badmouthing him or turning them against him. They have been harmed enough by having their family broken apart and I would understand their anger toward him in that respect. Having been a BS myself, I also understand the anger and resentment of the ex, but the children should never be used as a tool in the divorce. It happens far too often. 

[elaine567]

OK but he moved the kids to be closer to his OW. So of course his wife and kids are going to blame him for uprooting them all and making them miserable.  I guess his kids  are well aware who is to blame, they will not need it pointed out.

[basil67]

14 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

Part of the problem is I had to relocate the entire family after the separation, the kids have had a hard time coping with the move and she tells them it's my fault we are here.

To be fair, it IS your fault that the kids have all been uprooted.  Leaving your family for an OW and uprooting your kids and ex-w in order to make it happen is going to have fallout.  It would be incredibly naive of you to have ever expected otherwise.   And yes, the kids are too young to be dragged into this, but you dragged them into it when you uprooted them from all which is familiar. 

History of the move for context 

 

 

[vla1120]

17 hours ago, elaine567 said:

OK but he moved the kids to be closer to his OW. So of course his wife and kids are going to blame him for uprooting them all and making them miserable.  I guess his kids  are well aware who is to blame, they will not need it pointed out.

Very true. I forgot the kids had been uprooted. Even the ex-wife moved with them, major props to her for doing that. I would have stayed put and taken him to court if he tried to uproot my kids. OP, maybe you need to rethink this whole thing. 

Edited February 15, 2022 by vla1120

[Pumpernickel]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

uprooting your kids and ex-w in order to make it happen

That's brutal, especially if the W and the daughters moved with him. What reasons were they given? New job I am guessing?

Anyway – If I were the soon-to-be-XW, I would be heartbroken, angry, and everything in between (especially for my children!!!!). And if the kids find out why they had to leave their school district and friends, they'll be devastated. Maybe they already know. That's such a betrayal on so many levels; can't expect a fair divorce under these circumstances, @PotatoHead ...... your XW must feel so betrayed and taken advantage of, and even if she's a saint, I am sure the courts will take this info into consideration. Not only are judges human, I don't think the law looks favorably at those who uproot a family for an affair, without informing the parties involved accordingly and honestly.   

Edited February 15, 2022 by Pumpernickel

[Harry Korsnes]

Hmm

I think the next phone call should be to cope.

[PotatoHead]

Ex wife had agreed to move and we had been planning to relocate since before the affair began.  Jobs, location, and other considerations were taken, and ultimately yes the final destination aligned with where my new partner was located.   She was not the sole reason for the move, nor was it much of an affair as my wife and I had already been in the process of separating before it began.  It just sealed the deal.

I understand there would be repercussions to all of this.  I just hoped that the kids could be left out of that, at least while they are still young.  Of course with what information has come out now, the ex is running with the idea that I cheated on her for years and the only reason we moved was for this other woman, and that I tricked them all.  That is simply not the case.  Other woman or not, everyone was in agreement about the move.

Edited February 15, 2022 by PotatoHead

[PotatoHead]

I know now that I made a mistake, and if I could go back I would do everything differently.  I wasn't thinking clearly but now I am stuck with the decisions and I'm not sure what to do with it.  No matter what, I am not willing to give up on the kids though and I would never have left them behind.  I guess all I can do is try to salvage what's left.

[vla1120]

17 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

I know now that I made a mistake, and if I could go back I would do everything differently.  I wasn't thinking clearly but now I am stuck with the decisions and I'm not sure what to do with it.  No matter what, I am not willing to give up on the kids though and I would never have left them behind.  I guess all I can do is try to salvage what's left.

Do you have a therapist or someone you can talk to about all of this? Ideally, it would be good if you and your ex-wife could seek co-parenting therapy. It will allow her to voice her resentment, clear the air, and allow each of you to show that you are committed to doing what is right for your children. Was she also unhappy in the marriage and contemplating separation and divorce before the other woman was revealed? Maybe letting her know that you regret how this all played out, but that you want to work together to do what is best for your children, will help mend some fences. 

[elaine567]

Would it be possible for your wife and kids to just go home? 

Yes you would miss them but relocating for you has not made them happy and you now have your new relationship to concentrate on...

[PotatoHead]

@vla1120 her resentment has certainly been voiced, I don't think she will ever feel satisfied that I've heard about it enough.  It has been nearly a year since we relocated and I am unable to have a civil conversation with her still.

Yes she was unhappy and always has been.  She was always looking for other male companionship, wanted to try polyamory, that type of stuff.  That was years ago but that's when I really checked out.  I know she suffers from depression and refuses to get help for it, instead she abused alcohol.  She emotionally abused and gaslighted me and the kids.  I made the mistake of trying to give her everything and make her happy for 10 years before realizing it was destroying me.  She always told us that it was our fault she was unhappy.  I've let her know repeatedly that I regret the decisions, she doesn't believe it.  She says I am a sociopath and that I need help.  I tell her I just want to do what's best for the kids, she says I don't care about them or I never would have moved us.

Again, everyone was fine with the move and we had already been separated a year before the relocation.  Once she realized I had someone else, everything changed.

@elaine567 I would not trust the kids being with their mom on her own.  That is part of the reason I wanted to make sure they moved with me, and probably why she agreed to move too.  She struggles handling day to day life having the kids even part of the time.  I know I haven't made it any easier for her.  But no, I can't see that happening and I wouldn't stay here if my kids left.  I care more about my relationship with them than the one with my new girlfriend.

[vla1120]

3 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

@vla1120 her resentment has certainly been voiced, I don't think she will ever feel satisfied that I've heard about it enough.  It has been nearly a year since we relocated and I am unable to have a civil conversation with her still.

Yes she was unhappy and always has been.  She was always looking for other male companionship, wanted to try polyamory, that type of stuff.  That was years ago but that's when I really checked out.  I know she suffers from depression and refuses to get help for it, instead she abused alcohol.  She emotionally abused and gaslighted me and the kids.  I made the mistake of trying to give her everything and make her happy for 10 years before realizing it was destroying me.  She always told us that it was our fault she was unhappy.  I've let her know repeatedly that I regret the decisions, she doesn't believe it.  She says I am a sociopath and that I need help.  I tell her I just want to do what's best for the kids, she says I don't care about them or I never would have moved us.

Again, everyone was fine with the move and we had already been separated a year before the relocation.  Once she realized I had someone else, everything changed.

@elaine567 I would not trust the kids being with their mom on her own.  That is part of the reason I wanted to make sure they moved with me, and probably why she agreed to move too.  She struggles handling day to day life having the kids even part of the time.  I know I haven't made it any easier for her.  But no, I can't see that happening and I wouldn't stay here if my kids left.  I care more about my relationship with them than the one with my new girlfriend.

Use her claim that you are a sociopath to get her to go to co-parenting counseling with you. Tell her you want the two of you to go to a professional to determine the best way to move forward and if you happen to be diagnosed as a sociopath, then you'll seek whatever help necessary to fix the issue - but that you expect her to also be open to seeking help to fix whatever issues are ailing her so that the two of you can be the best parents possible to your children. 

Other than that, the only thing you can do is continue to be the best father you can be when you have your children with you, INCLUDING taking them to therapy with you so that they can talk to a professional about what's going on with them to help them cope with this situation.