Catsclaws00 Posted February 11, 2022 Share Posted February 11, 2022 I work for a large company , and have recently started a more senior role. A former colleague from my previous role who is around 20 years older than me and has previously held a very high position, is very knowledgable and experienced in our field has become a real mentor to me. He helps in things I’m doing , always gives good advice and listens . I message him and we meet up every few weeks just Briefly to discuss current work issues . I really am attracted to him , he is married. When we are together he seems pleased to see me and often compliments me saying I’m doing a great job etc. he isn’t overly flirty but always agrees to meet when I ask to, he also always is there for me. He has never said anything overly flirty or sexual - but I feel a certain connection. What is going on here , and is it likely he knows I feel something ? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 11, 2022 Share Posted February 11, 2022 (edited) The attraction you feel is real. It's quite possible he has some similar feelings. However, right now this is exactly what you describe - work interaction. It is certainly possible for work situations like this to result in affairs, very often they DON'T result in them as well. If you're worried about this, the sensible thing to do is reduce the frequency of your interactions, keep everything professional, and leave it at that. You can enjoy "light flirting" (if that's what this is, it sounds like it could be) without it becoming more than that. The key is simple - self control and IF you start to feel like you are in too deep and becoming strongly emotionally attached then keeping away from the person/situation. "Simple" isn't always the same as "easy" though and that's something to keep in mind in this sort of situation. Edited February 11, 2022 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 11, 2022 Share Posted February 11, 2022 3 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said: I really am attracted to him , he is married. It's ok to have a crush, but be professional. He is being completely appropriate and professional and so do the same. The workplace is not a singles club. Date outside of work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted February 11, 2022 Author Share Posted February 11, 2022 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: It's ok to have a crush, but be professional. He is being completely appropriate and professional and so do the same. The workplace is not a singles club. Date outside of work. When we meet we are quite flirty , I feel it more then rather than through his messages. However you are right I think , he is trying to help me with work issues and mentor me . I guess I am wondering that he must realise on some level I have a crush , so why isn’t he suggesting I get help elsewhere ? He says things like where he will be at what time and that he is happy to discuss things etc, for example first thing on Monday he has said he will be in at 8ish … I am going to try and stay away and perhaps just blank him now as this is just too hard. we also had a works party a few months back , at which he literally Stayed well away to the point he almost blanked me whilst he was with his wife - this was really upsetting as we would always normally chat whilst at work . He is being professional , but he is also encouraging us to meet etc when he must realise I have feelings as I think some things I’ve messaged him it would be pretty obvious . is he being completely appropriate and professional ? He certainly doesn’t have little powwows with other people of my grade in our place of work. He literally just meets me . Last time we met, he gave me a compliment amd I went bright red . He said when someone compliments you , you either say thank you or disagree. I do feel he is getting some small kick out of this and it is really upsetting me now . Edited February 11, 2022 by Catsclaws00 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted February 11, 2022 Author Share Posted February 11, 2022 2 hours ago, mark clemson said: The attraction you feel is real. It's quite possible he has some similar feelings. However, right now this is exactly what you describe - work interaction. It is certainly possible for work situations like this to result in affairs, very often they DON'T result in them as well. If you're worried about this, the sensible thing to do is reduce the frequency of your interactions, keep everything professional, and leave it at that. You can enjoy "light flirting" (if that's what this is, it sounds like it could be) without it becoming more than that. The key is simple - self control and IF you start to feel like you are in too deep and becoming strongly emotionally attached then keeping away from the person/situation. "Simple" isn't always the same as "easy" though and that's something to keep in mind in this sort of situation. Thanks for your reply. From what I have said in my latest reply to someone else , would you say it is still possible he isn’t aware I am feeling something ? I just don’t know why he wouldn’t say he is too busy to help me etc and that would be that . Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted February 11, 2022 Share Posted February 11, 2022 He is married, he's not available, and it sounds like he's trying to be professional and trying his best to avoid any inappropriate situation with you. It doesn't matter whether he knows that you're attracted to him.... what matters most is that you need to take a step away from this and stop fixating on this so much. Stop spending time with him and stop looking for situations to flirt or interact with him. Only interact with him when it's absolutely necessary for your job. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted February 11, 2022 Author Share Posted February 11, 2022 My actual job role does not require any interaction with him as we work in different areas now. He has many years of experience so has been helping me as my department are going through a rough patch . We could literally never talk or see eachother Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 11, 2022 Share Posted February 11, 2022 4 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said: He has never said anything overly flirty or sexual - but I feel a certain connection. What is going on here , and is it likely he knows I feel something ? Could it be that you are projecting here - 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Catsclaws00 said: would you say it is still possible he isn’t aware I am feeling something ? I just don’t know why he wouldn’t say he is too busy to help me etc and that would be that . It's hard to say - many men are "clueless" WRT this sort of thing, but many are not. If he's bright and socially skilled, I'd say the chances are good he's aware there's something. He might not realize "how deep" your feelings are (I'm assuming they're somewhat "deep" from the fact that you're bothering to post this question). So, he may just be enjoying the flirting/interaction for what it is. It's also certainly possible he simply considers "mentoring" and/or helping others as part of the job. There's no real way to know for sure what he thinks, feels, etc without broaching the topic, but then I'd say you've essentially started an affair or at least taken a step towards starting one, with all the risks that entails. Affairs CAN turn out ok, but they are genuinely playing with fire (one might say explosives even) particularly in a work situation. If you take a step in this direction, the spectrum of consequences can range from essentially none, past genuine emotional distress, on into losing your job, marriage, or both, and all the way up to (in rare, but real, cases) murder. People have "successful" affairs all the time, but they also have their and their families' lives (and sometimes their jobs) severely disrupted all the time too, if they happen to step on one of the many landmines involved. You are an adult and can make your own decisions, but these risks are something to very seriously keep in mind. Your questioning suggests that perhaps your emotions are already leading you in a direction that your rational mind would be advising against here. Edited February 12, 2022 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 7 hours ago, BaileyB said: Could it be that you are projecting here - I don’t think so. I wouldn’t be thinking / worrying a little if I didn’t think something was happening. Please try to be kind, this is making me feel bad 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 He's happily married. That means keep your eyes on the road at work. Don't come on to him. It's inappropriate. Right now he's mentoring and being professional. Sexual harassment goes both ways these days so it's best to remain professional and not flirt with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Atwood Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: He's happily married. That means keep your eyes on the road at work. Don't come on to him. It's inappropriate. Right now he's mentoring and being professional. Sexual harassment goes both ways these days so it's best to remain professional and not flirt with him. This. Married = off limits. Even if he was single, your power dynamics are way off. Work relationships should stay professional if you both want to keep your jobs long-term. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 (edited) I work for a large company , and have recently started a more senior role. A former colleague from my previous role who is around 20 years older than me and has previously held a very high position, is very knowledgable and experienced in our field has become a real mentor to me. He helps in things I’m doing , always gives good advice and listens . I message him and we meet up every few weeks just Briefly to discuss current work issues . I really am attracted to him , he is married. When we are together he seems pleased to see me and often compliments me saying I’m doing a great job etc. he isn’t overly flirty but always agrees to meet and he also always is there for me when I need him to look over a document or give advice . What is going on here , and is it likely he knows I feel something ? When we meet we are quite flirty , We text a time to meet and then he finds us an empty room so we can talk in private. I feel it more then rather than through his messages which tend to be quite to the point and work related. he is trying to help me with work issues and mentor me , but he does ask about my home life and says my partner is lucky to have me. I guess I am wondering that he must realise on some level I have a crush , so why isn’t he suggesting I get help elsewhere ? He says things like where he will be at what time and that he is happy to discuss things etc, for example first thing on Monday he has said he will be in at 8ish … I am going to try and stay away and perhaps just blank him now as this is just too hard. I have asked him multiple times if he is fed up of helping with the massive work issues I am facing , he always says no pleasure to help - happy to support etc . He also sometimes jokes about things in a sexist kind of way and says that the issues at work are because too many women are working together - we laugh about it and I call him sexist - he says he will be careful what he says and laughs…he also says things like ‘now you are a woman who wears dresses’ it’s all a bit odd… he has told me a few personal things about when his daughter was unwell a while back. He also said it’s hard when things are s*** at home and s*** at work etc. I said maybe I can repay the favour one day by listening to his problems and he replied with a thumbs up. we also had a works party a few months back , at which he literally Stayed well away to the point he almost blanked me whilst he was with his wife - this was really upsetting as we would always normally chat whilst at work . He is being professional , but he is also encouraging us to meet etc when he must realise I have feelings as I think some things I’ve messaged him it would be pretty obvious . is he being completely appropriate and professional ? He certainly doesn’t have little powwows with other people of my grade in our place of work. He literally just meets me . Last time we met, he gave me a compliment amd I went bright red , he seems to find that funny. He said when someone compliments you , you either say thank you or disagree. I do feel he is getting some small kick out of this and it is really upsetting me now . I wish I knew if he actually is genuinely trying to be kind by helping me at work or if he feels something more. In our roles , there is no real need for us to ever meet at all. His previous role very high up the chain means he is very knowledgeable and has years of experience that I obviously benefit from now. part of me wonders if he tells his wife we meet regularly . Please don’t be harsh as feeling rubbish and generally need some advice . Thanks Edited February 12, 2022 by Catsclaws00 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 7 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said: I do feel he is getting some small kick out of this and it is really upsetting me now . Why is it upsetting you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: Why is it upsetting you? Because I want to know if he is truly the good man I think he is and genuinely wants to help or if he is almost playing along Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 2 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said: Because I want to know if he is truly the good man I think he is and genuinely wants to help or if he is almost playing along And yet, your entire post gives me the feeling that you want to have an affair with the man. You are quite flattered by his attention, and confused/hurt that he hasn’t taken it further. If you think he is a good man, you appreciate his assistance, and you value your job - the answer seems pretty simple, you will not be flirting with him in private at work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: And yet, your entire post gives me the feeling that you want to have an affair with the man. You are quite flattered by his attention, and confused/hurt that he hasn’t taken it further. If you think he is a good man, you appreciate his assistance, and you value your job - the answer seems pretty simple, you will not be flirting with him in private at work. Yes you are right, I do like being around him . I am frustrated to not know if he also feels anything at all. I know that makes me a bad person Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 11 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Why is it upsetting you? I realise I am likely reading things that are not there at all. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said: Yes you are right, I do like being around him . I am frustrated to not know if he also feels anything at all. I know that makes me a bad person Not a bad person. But, think long and hard about this because you are not being entirely honest with yourself and you are flirting with fire here. Is this really the person you want to be? It’s all fun and games to be sneaking around the office to find some private rooms with your crush - but, if you pursue this what does it mean for your personal and professional integrity? I think you are likely projecting, to be very honest. He may be feeling the same way you do - a little excited and flattered - but he seems to be unwilling to put himself at risk (ie. very professional in writing) and he is trying to respect a boundary. I would suggest that you would be wise to respect that and do the same. Edited February 12, 2022 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 3 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Not a bad person. But, think long and hard about this because you are not being entirely honest with yourself and you are flirting with fire here. Is this really the person you want to be? It’s all fun and games to be sneaking around the office to find some private rooms with your crush - but, if you pursue this what does it mean for your personal and professional integrity? I think you are likely projecting, to be very honest. He may be feeling the same way you do - a little excited and flattered - but he seems to be unwilling to put himself at risk (ie. very professional in writing) and he is trying to respect a boundary. I would suggest that you would be wise to respect that and do the same. Thanks , yes I agree. He is wanting to genuinely help me work out some tough issues I have to manage at work. I am the one who wants more from this and it is really bad of me. I perhaps should never message him again and not meet him again. He very likely would never message me again as I often make the first move of contacting him so perhaps that’s the answer, just let him live his life in peace and I will stay away Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 2 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said: Thanks , yes I agree. He is wanting to genuinely help me work out some tough issues I have to manage at work. I am the one who wants more from this and it is really bad of me. I perhaps should never message him again and not meet him again. He very likely would never message me again as I often make the first move of contacting him so perhaps that’s the answer, just let him live his life in peace and I will stay away From a completely outside view , does it sound to you like he is just being nice and nothing would give an impression he thinks any more of it ? It is likely all in my head, I feel a bit of an idiot tbh. He probably thinks I am also 🤦🏻♀️ Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said: I often make the first move of contacting him This says a lot - Edited February 12, 2022 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 10 minutes ago, BaileyB said: This says a lot - Yes, to ask his help on something at work . He then says we can meet to talk it through or he has called me before to talk it over Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 39 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said: Because I didn’t think it was the most appropriate category and I am looking for advice You're not "the other woman". He is being appropriate and professional. He's happily married so don't flirt. It's ok to have a crush, but that's all this is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: You're not "the other woman". He is being appropriate and professional. He's happily married so don't flirt. It's ok to have a crush, but that's all this is. Why he is even bothering then, as in what is in it for him ? He has been meeting up since July last year with me - I totally recognise I am feeling for him and that it may be one sided. I just don’t get from a man’s perspective what he is getting from it Link to post Share on other sites
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