Married co-worker weirdness

[lana-banana]

7 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I don’t think so. I wouldn’t be thinking / worrying a little if I didn’t think something was happening. Please try to be kind, this is making me feel bad 

I don't think you would be thinking/worrying if you weren't attracted to him. The evidence suggests he's trying to be professional about this. It could be he senses how you feel and is trying to be distant when he can. Please stay professional and avoid interacting with him until this crush passes. 

[Catsclaws00]

19 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

I don't think you would be thinking/worrying if you weren't attracted to him. The evidence suggests he's trying to be professional about this. It could be he senses how you feel and is trying to be distant when he can. Please stay professional and avoid interacting with him until this crush passes. 

I am definitely attracted to him. I think I will try my best to just stay away from him. Does it sound to you that he is trying to keep his distance ? I will do the same now I think and no more allowing him to help me 

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I don’t think so. I wouldn’t be thinking / worrying a little if I didn’t think something was happening. Please try to be kind, this is making me feel bad 

If you think something is happening now is the time to stay away from him and reel in your feelings.  You said you don't have to see him so stop it.  He's a married man, don't be that woman.

 

[Catsclaws00]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If you think something is happening now is the time to stay away from him and reel in your feelings.  You said you don't have to see him so stop it.  He's a married man, don't be that woman.

 

I guess I like his attention at the moment and thought it was ok as he isn’t actually doing anything wrong and is happily married . I was thinking it was harmless 

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I guess I like his attention at the moment and thought it was ok as he isn’t actually doing anything wrong and is happily married . I was thinking it was harmless 

Be honest you didn't think it was harmless you were hoping he felt what you are feeling and would approach you to take it further.  He's married and doesn't want to destroy that.  There are thousands of single men to chose from so get you one.

[Catsclaws00]

17 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Be honest you didn't think it was harmless you were hoping he felt what you are feeling and would approach you to take it further.  He's married and doesn't want to destroy that.  There are thousands of single men to chose from so get you one.

No, I think he is such a trustworthy and decent man I realised a long time ago the feeling was all me and he is just a nice person. Just some things he says / does are confusing sometimes 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I realised a long time ago the feeling was all me and he is just a nice person.

Really? Because that’s not what you’ve said previously - why ask whether people thought he returned your interest repeatedly if you knew he was just being professional and he is just a nice person? 

Quote

 

He has never said anything overly flirty or sexual - but I feel a certain connection. What is going on here , is it likely he knows I feel something ?

I am wondering that he must realise on some level I have a crush

He is being professional , but he must realise I have feelings as I think some things I’ve messaged him it would be pretty obvious . 

I wish I knew if he actually is genuinely trying to be kind by helping me at work or if he feels something more. 

 

You think he is flirting with you, you say that you are the only person he meets, and you believe that the fact that he books a private room to talk are all signs that he is interested. 

And the fact that you wonder if he has told his wife about you implies that there is something to tell. Why would he tell his wife that he meets with you when nothing has happened between you. 

Edited February 13, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

Just some things he says / does are confusing sometimes 

It's probably because you are reading things into his words and actions that aren't there.  Wishful thinking.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I guess I like his attention at the moment .

You seem very lonely. Are you recently divorced or broken up?

Why not join some groups, clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness and start talking to and meeting  single men in your age group?

Also get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start to message and meet men for a low-key coffee ☕.

[Dale F]

On 2/11/2022 at 2:21 PM, Wiseman2 said:

It's ok to have a crush, but be professional.

He is being completely appropriate and professional and so do the same.

The workplace is not a singles club. Date outside of work.

Totally agree! I'm old enough to have witnessed a few work-place-romances gone bad. As a result, it's something I've successfully averted for 30+ years. It's a line I do not want to cross.  

[Catsclaws00]

1 hour ago, Dale F said:

Totally agree! I'm old enough to have witnessed a few work-place-romances gone bad. As a result, it's something I've successfully averted for 30+ years. It's a line I do not want to cross.  

Thanks for your comment - can you relate to the details in my post as to how he is acting ? 

[Catsclaws00]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem very lonely. Are you recently divorced or broken up?

Why not join some groups, clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness and start talking to and meeting  single men in your age group?

Also get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start to message and meet men for a low-key coffee ☕.

I am fairly lonely but keep myself busy as you describe with sports activities /friends and a busy work life , I also really like this chap and find him extremely sexy and attractive in a way that I can’t describe. 

[Catsclaws00]

15 hours ago, stillafool said:

It's probably because you are reading things into his words and actions that aren't there.  Wishful thinking.

Maybe - I guess that is how it is sounding to you. It certainly feels different when we are together

[Catsclaws00]

Just now, Catsclaws00 said:

Maybe - I guess that is how it is sounding to you. It certainly feels different when we are together

I am pretty confident that he doesn’t meet other women in our company in a way that we seem ti have developed . For whatever reason, even if innocent - he is investing time in me and helping support - that is nice and makes me like him 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I also really like this chap and find him extremely sexy and attractive in a way that I can’t describe. 

I'm sure his wife feels the same way about him.  There are other men out there who are sexy and attractive too, you just have to find them as that one is taken.

[Catsclaws00]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

I'm sure his wife feels the same way about him.  There are other men out there who are sexy and attractive too, you just have to find them as that one is taken.

Agreed - and I will do . He said about meeting tomorrow and I am going to not do that , and just keep my head down to my work 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Catsclaws00 said:

Agreed - and I will do . He said about meeting tomorrow and I am going to not do that , and just keep my head down to my work 

You sound like a lady who has a lot going for her so no doubt you'll meet the right guy, you just have to put yourself out there.  

[Catsclaws00]

Just now, stillafool said:

You sound like a lady who has a lot going for her so no doubt you'll meet the right guy, you just have to put yourself out there.  

Thank you 😊 

[Catsclaws00]

On 2/12/2022 at 3:22 PM, lana-banana said:

I don't think you would be thinking/worrying if you weren't attracted to him. The evidence suggests he's trying to be professional about this. It could be he senses how you feel and is trying to be distant when he can. Please stay professional and avoid interacting with him until this crush passes. 

Thanks , I am going to avoid all together from now on. He said he will be in first thing If I want to meet and I am going to not do that - make any excuse . I don’t agree that he has always tried to keep his distance , but I will ensure I do from now on so it won’t be an issue either way. 

[Catsclaws00]

On 2/11/2022 at 8:12 PM, mark clemson said:

The attraction you feel is real. It's quite possible he has some similar feelings. However, right now this is exactly what you describe - work interaction. It is certainly possible for work situations like this to result in affairs, very often they DON'T result in them as well.

If you're worried about this, the sensible thing to do is reduce the frequency of your interactions, keep everything professional, and leave it at that. You can enjoy "light flirting" (if that's what this is, it sounds like it could be) without it becoming more than that.

The key is simple - self control and IF you start to feel like you are in too deep and becoming strongly emotionally attached then keeping away from the person/situation. "Simple" isn't always the same as "easy" though and that's something to keep in mind in this sort of situation.

Thanks - it is hard when he is suggesting to meet so he can help talk through an issue at work that happened on Friday that I need to manage. When I’m around him I start to blush and feel quite flustered so it must be obvious , he is an extremely intelligent Cambridge graduate so I would be amazed if he doesn’t realise I have a silly crush . I think if I avoid him sooner or later he will ask why, I am just going to have to keep my distance and not give in 

[Catsclaws00]

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Really? Because that’s not what you’ve said previously - why ask whether people thought he returned your interest repeatedly if you knew he was just being professional and he is just a nice person? 

You think he is flirting with you, you say that you are the only person he meets, and you believe that the fact that he books a private room to talk are all signs that he is interested. 

And the fact that you wonder if he has told his wife about you implies that there is something to tell. Why would he tell his wife that he meets with you when nothing has happened between you. 

Hi, I am clearly confused and I am looking for some kind of guidance. I do think he is flirty, I do think he treats me preferentially and drops things when I ask him for some guidance . Also the way we seem to have developed a really comfortable relationship of meeting up, talking in private , having a coffee etc I don’t think that is something his wife would be happy about. When we had our work bash she looked over a few times and seemed a bit unfriendly. I don’t know what is true and what is my imagination, just because nothing physical has happened doesn’t mean it isn’t still a bit wrong 

[aloneagain63]

what you are doing is inviting a man to step outside of his marriage.    You are releasing pheromones everytime you are around him.  Either he is like me and totally oblivious or he is intentionally ignoring them.   What you are doing is boosting his ego in one way, because you are 20 yrs his junior, but it is also cruelty to a dumb animal.  There are many reasons why he hasn't picked up your hints or otherwise just jumped on the opportunity to jump on you.

The fact that he distanced himself and his wife away from you at the party tells me,  

1.  He either knows you are trying to wear down his resistance OR he knows his wife would pick up that you could be a person she should have to worry about.  I feel that its possible that over the years this guy has been busted on outside romances and he knows he has to be good.   

2,   It could be that he is just an all around nice guy who would never consider cheating on his wife. I know those seem few these days but it is possible and it has to be torture for him if he is picking up on your subtle hints.

3.  The fact that he has not made an attempt to 'get to know you better' tells me you should find someone else.   Accept his gracious help in settling in to the new job and stop releasing the pheromones when he is around. 

[Catsclaws00]

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Really? Because that’s not what you’ve said previously - why ask whether people thought he returned your interest repeatedly if you knew he was just being professional and he is just a nice person? 

You think he is flirting with you, you say that you are the only person he meets, and you believe that the fact that he books a private room to talk are all signs that he is interested. 

And the fact that you wonder if he has told his wife about you implies that there is something to tell. Why would he tell his wife that he meets with you when nothing has happened between you. 

I asked people what they think from the details I have included because I am looking for some guidance . That is why I posted in the first place. I am confused because I really have a crush on him, but another part of me wants to believe that he really is just a genuinely lovely man who goes out of his way to help other people just because he is nice. 

[Catsclaws00]

2 minutes ago, aloneagain63 said:

what you are doing is inviting a man to step outside of his marriage.    You are releasing pheromones everytime you are around him.  Either he is like me and totally oblivious or he is intentionally ignoring them.   What you are doing is boosting his ego in one way, because you are 20 yrs his junior, but it is also cruelty to a dumb animal.  There are many reasons why he hasn't picked up your hints or otherwise just jumped on the opportunity to jump on you.

The fact that he distanced himself and his wife away from you at the party tells me,  

1.  He either knows you are trying to wear down his resistance OR he knows his wife would pick up that you could be a person she should have to worry about.  I feel that its possible that over the years this guy has been busted on outside romances and he knows he has to be good.   

2,   It could be that he is just an all around nice guy who would never consider cheating on his wife. I know those seem few these days but it is possible and it has to be torture for him if he is picking up on your subtle hints.

3.  The fact that he has not made an attempt to 'get to know you better' tells me you should find someone else.   Accept his gracious help in settling in to the new job and stop releasing the pheromones when he is around. 

Thanks for your honesty, that makes sense. For whatever reason, I picked up on the fact she seemed very frosty. We had a large presentation and she looked over at me a few times with a bit of a glare. I was with another woman we work with but I think on reflection it was likely I had been looking at this chap a few times and not realising it . I’m going to just down comms and get on with work without any more help from him as I know it is just silly now . 

[Catsclaws00]

2 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

Thanks for your honesty, that makes sense. For whatever reason, I picked up on the fact she seemed very frosty. We had a large presentation and she looked over at me a few times with a bit of a glare. I was with another woman we work with but I think on reflection it was likely I had been looking at this chap a few times and not realising it . I’m going to just down comms and get on with work without any more help from him as I know it is just silly now . 

We have also messaged eachother quite a few times since summer time last year so depending how they are together , she could have looked at his phone and seen messages from me and would know who i was at the party.