Married co-worker weirdness

[Catsclaws00]

36 minutes ago, aloneagain63 said:

what you are doing is inviting a man to step outside of his marriage.    You are releasing pheromones everytime you are around him.  Either he is like me and totally oblivious or he is intentionally ignoring them.   What you are doing is boosting his ego in one way, because you are 20 yrs his junior, but it is also cruelty to a dumb animal.  There are many reasons why he hasn't picked up your hints or otherwise just jumped on the opportunity to jump on you.

The fact that he distanced himself and his wife away from you at the party tells me,  

1.  He either knows you are trying to wear down his resistance OR he knows his wife would pick up that you could be a person she should have to worry about.  I feel that its possible that over the years this guy has been busted on outside romances and he knows he has to be good.   

2,   It could be that he is just an all around nice guy who would never consider cheating on his wife. I know those seem few these days but it is possible and it has to be torture for him if he is picking up on your subtle hints.

3.  The fact that he has not made an attempt to 'get to know you better' tells me you should find someone else.   Accept his gracious help in settling in to the new job and stop releasing the pheromones when he is around. 

On reflection , the fact we have been meeting in work time since last July and in contact regularly in some way may have been making us both feel good , but it hasn’t ever crossed the line so is pretty harmless in terms of his marriage I guess. 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

You should perhaps spend some time on the Other M/W and Infidelity forums. I’ve read most of this thread and the sense I get is that you almost hope the line gets crossed (by him). You clearly have feelings and a crush, so stop contacting him. There are others who can mentor you at work. You’re on the precipice of a one way ticket on the pain train. If you felt this (work) relationship / infatuation was ok why open this thread?

Broaden your horizons and meet other single men if a romantic relationship is what you desire. 

[Catsclaws00]

6 minutes ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

You should perhaps spend some time on the Other M/W and Infidelity forums. I’ve read most of this thread and the sense I get is that you almost hope the line gets crossed (by him). You clearly have feelings and a crush, so stop contacting him. There are others who can mentor you at work. You’re on the precipice of a one way ticket on the pain train. If you felt this (work) relationship / infatuation was ok why open this thread?

Broaden your horizons and meet other single men if a romantic relationship is what you desire. 

Thanks - yes, I guess I wanted to know if it sounds like I am going crazy imagining things or if he is somehow not helping. I value his opinion and kind of thought he would make an excuse to stop seeing me , he hasn’t done this and always says when he can meet etc so I guess I will have to be strong and just try to avoid him now 

[Catsclaws00]

7 minutes ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

You should perhaps spend some time on the Other M/W and Infidelity forums. I’ve read most of this thread and the sense I get is that you almost hope the line gets crossed (by him). You clearly have feelings and a crush, so stop contacting him. There are others who can mentor you at work. You’re on the precipice of a one way ticket on the pain train. If you felt this (work) relationship / infatuation was ok why open this thread?

Broaden your horizons and meet other single men if a romantic relationship is what you desire. 

As you say Others can mentor me, so if he isn’t enjoying meeting up why wouldn’t he have politely made an excuse ? I think I imagined he would , he just always seems happy to talk / meet / advise 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

What’s your point? If you find his behavior “weird” because he is married STOP contacting him.

 Another title for the thread could me Single co-worker weirdness?

You are making this happen. Sure he is meeting but hasn’t crossed a line and I sure hope he respects himself, his marriage and his wife enough that he will not cross a line despite your efforts to entice him. Sorry but this is how I see it.

Edited February 13, 2022 by ClearEyes-FullHeart

[Catsclaws00]

2 minutes ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

What’s your point? If you find his behavior “weird” because he is married STOP contacting him.

 Another tit,e for the thread could me Single co-worker weirdness?

You are making this happen. Sure he is meeting but hasn’t t crossed a line and I sure hope he respects himself, his marriage and his wife enough that he will not cross a line despite your efforts to entice him. Sorry but this is how I see it.

You are entitled to your opinion, I understand what you are saying. I don’t find his behaviour weird , I think he is enjoying being some kind of ‘hero’ figure and he is enjoying me coming to him for advice and guidance (for whatever reason ) 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I am fairly lonely. I also really like this chap and find him extremely sexy and attractive in a way that I can’t describe. 

He's not lonely. He goes to a happy home every night with a wife and kids. That's why he's not uncomfortable because his mind is operating on the level of helpful mentor not lonely looking for action. His actions are innocent. The spin you're putting on this is because you don't have a BF.

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

This it the title of your thread: Married co-worker weirdness

Good luck, I think you will need some.

[Catsclaws00]

2 minutes ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

This it the title of your thread: Married co-worker weirdness

Good luck, I think you will need some.

The thread name means I think some kind of weirdness is going on with regards to how we are interacting and I am unsure / confused / feeling something for him. I don’t think he is weird as a person. 
this is a forum designed to help people who ate struggling (for whatever reason ) you don’t need to be nasty. 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I am not trying to be nasty so apologies. Myself and many other haveposted to say that you are playing with fire. You mentioned that he is a great guy (which he probably is!) and that you find it odd that he keeps accepting to meet, and he hasn’t crossed the line. The subtext seems to me, an outsider, that you are almost hoping he will. Maybe because you want to engage in an affair, or that you want to see if you can make him fail to live up to his good ways, no idea.
 

You have developed feelings for a married man. In my life, I always had very clear boundaries and getting involved with a married man is not something I would ever do. I’ll bow out but I think you are in denial about why you keep inviting him to mentor you. I highly doubt he wants to be the hero in your life, and you are wasting time and emotions on someone not available.

Edited February 13, 2022 by ClearEyes-FullHeart

[Catsclaws00]

7 minutes ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

I am not trying to be nasty so apologies. Myself and many other haveposted to say that you are playing with fire. You mentioned that he is a great guy (which he probably is!) and that you find it odd that he keeps accepting to meet, and he hasn’t crossed the line. The subtext seems to me, an outsider, that you are almost hoping he will. Maybe because you want to engage in an affair, or that you want to see if you can make him fail to live up to his good ways, no idea.
 

You have developed feelings for a married man. In my life, I always had very clear boundaries and getting involved with a married man is not something I would ever do. I’ll bow out but I think you are in denial about why you keep inviting him to mentor you. I highly doubt he wants to be the hero in your life, and you are wasting time and emotions on someone not available.

I accept what you are saying and you are correct- I haven’t always truly needed his help when we have met , we have had a chat about work and sometimes just a general quick catch up about life and then on with our day. I have been wanting something to happen and if he had said he couldn’t meet or any excuse , I would have just left it . The fact he hasn’t has made me want to continue (that isn’t good I realise and I am not proud of that fact, but it is how I feel) if I was a married man, with a woman 20 years younger than me who clearly had a crush, I think I would likely try to politely suggest she get help elsewhere or stick to email advice and not meeting etc: the fact he says each time come meet at this time , makes me feel like he wants to see me also (again, I recognise this is likely just me thinking that because I have feelings) 

 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Catsclaws00 said:

As you say Others can mentor me, so if he isn’t enjoying meeting up why wouldn’t he have politely made an excuse ? I think I imagined he would , he just always seems happy to talk / meet / advise 

To be fair I've seen same sex people mentor people with no expectations and are happy to give their time to do so.  I know an older woman in her 60s who is mentoring a young woman in her late 20s.  She's happy to do it and goes out of her way a lot of the time to help.  He may be looking at you the same way but you developed a crush.

[Catsclaws00]

Just now, stillafool said:

To be fair I've seen same sex people mentor people with no expectations and are happy to give their time to do so.  I know an older woman in her 60s who is mentoring a young woman in her late 20s.  She's happy to do it and goes out of her way a lot of the time to help.  He may be looking at you the same way but you developed a crush.

That is true - I guess only he knows his true motive. He may also just genuinely not realise I have a crush because he doesn’t see me in that way at all 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Catsclaws00 said:

his is a forum designed to help people who ate struggling (for whatever reason ) you don’t need to be nasty. 

I don't think he was trying to be nasty.  This is a public forum and some of the opinions will not be to your liking but all are welcome.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Catsclaws00 said:

That is true - I guess only he knows his true motive. He may also just genuinely not realise I have a crush because he doesn’t see me in that way at all 

Also seeing your heigtened interest in the subject has probably reignited his so that makes the mentoring more exciting for him which is pleasurable.

[Catsclaws00]

Just now, stillafool said:

Also seeing your heigtened interest in the subject has probably reignited his so that makes the mentoring more exciting for him which is pleasurable.

He will retire in 2 years and has stepped down from his position of power now, happy just doing his day job with no managerial responsibilities. 

[Dale F]

5 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

Thanks for your comment - can you relate to the details in my post as to how he is acting ? 

Miss, most women who are 20 years younger than their mentor will possibly have their full attention. Most women 20 years younger will catch the attention of an older man. We feel invigorated by your need/quest for knowledge and our ability to deliver what you seek. Is he looking to have an affair? If I had to guess, I'd say he's probably not looking for it but, may not possibly turn from it if all things line up just right.

For the record, I would have zero interest in women that much younger than me. I like my women reasoned, seasoned, slightly used, and with a little milage if that makes any sense.   

[Catsclaws00]

1 hour ago, Dale F said:

Miss, most women who are 20 years younger than their mentor will possibly have their full attention. Most women 20 years younger will catch the attention of an older man. We feel invigorated by your need/quest for knowledge and our ability to deliver what you seek. Is he looking to have an affair? If I had to guess, I'd say he's probably not looking for it but, may not possibly turn from it if all things line up just right.

For the record, I would have zero interest in women that much younger than me. I like my women reasoned, seasoned, slightly used, and with a little milage if that makes any sense.   

Yes that does make sense. I am 36 so not really ‘young ‘ he is 55 but looks in his late 40s I would say 

[Catsclaws00]

1 minute ago, Catsclaws00 said:

We feel invigorated by your need/quest for knowledge and our ability to deliver what you seek

I really sense this from him- he wants to be there and will see me at the drop of a hat to help talk things through etc 

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's not lonely. He goes to a happy home every night with a wife and kids. That's why he's not uncomfortable because his mind is operating on the level of helpful mentor not lonely looking for action. His actions are innocent. The spin you're putting on this is because you don't have a BF.

I agree with this.

I sat beside a very attractive married man who is 20 years older than me for years. We have a lovely friendship - we have worked together, helped each other, shared the joy and sorrow of life for the past 20 years. There has never been a moment of awkwardness. There has always been a healthy boundary. He has been a friend and a mentor because he is kind and he genuinely wants me to do well and be happy. It’s the same for me. There is no other agenda. A man is able to be kind and helpful to a coworker without wanting to engage in a romantic relationship with a woman. 

So yes, his actions are innocent. He doesn’t tell his wife because it doesn’t occur to him that he should tell his wife - nothing has happened here. He is showing you kindness and respect and you would be wise to do the same by maintaining a healthy boundary. 

Edited February 14, 2022 by BaileyB

[czanclus]

[ ] 

From this bypasser's view: likely he's aware of his own attractiveness, senior age notwithstanding, and likely further he's had the same effect on several women before. See if you can get the scoop from former colleagues or mentees. He's still not immune to indulging in the subtle flattery in the presence of a younger (attractive?) woman, but is pretty set on not crossing any boundaries. He might have in prior 'collaborations' done just that and found it was not worth it. People in their 50s, I have to imagine as a mere 44 year old, still push themselves to transcend their limitations and grow. He is likely genuinely interested in you succeeding professionally. As someone who teaches people and kids from various walks of life, I can name the subset of those I would stay into the late hours for to make sure they do well. Needless to say, I have no romantic or sexual feelings towards a single one.

Curious, since you want to know if he's picked up on the level of your attraction, what specifically would you say would have been give-away hints? Do you dress especially nice (provocative?)? Do you make prolonged eye contact? (Does he do the same?) Any other body language signs? Do you ask him about his personal life pertaining to his wife and kids? (Does he ask you about your personal life back?) You say you've texted him before - is it a work emergency and he isn't responsive to a work account email? What has he complimented you on that made you blush?

Edited February 16, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
argumentative

[Catsclaws00]

On 2/15/2022 at 1:55 AM, czanclus said:

 

From this bypasser's view: likely he's aware of his own attractiveness, senior age notwithstanding, and likely further he's had the same effect on several women before. See if you can get the scoop from former colleagues or mentees. He's still not immune to indulging in the subtle flattery in the presence of a younger (attractive?) woman, but is pretty set on not crossing any boundaries. He might have in prior 'collaborations' done just that and found it was not worth it. People in their 50s, I have to imagine as a mere 44 year old, still push themselves to transcend their limitations and grow. He is likely genuinely interested in you succeeding professionally. As someone who teaches people and kids from various walks of life, I can name the subset of those I would stay into the late hours for to make sure they do well. Needless to say, I have no romantic or sexual feelings towards a single one.

Curious, since you want to know if he's picked up on the level of your attraction, what specifically would you say would have been give-away hints? Do you dress especially nice (provocative?)? Do you make prolonged eye contact? (Does he do the same?) Any other body language signs? Do you ask him about his personal life pertaining to his wife and kids? (Does he ask you about your personal life back?) You say you've texted him before - is it a work emergency and he isn't responsive to a work account email? What has he complimented you on that made you blush?

Hi, thanks for your comments. Yes we have eye contact, I know he is married and he has talked about a few times that life at home has been tricky with his daughter being unwell. He doesn’t ever mention his wife, the one time I saw her at the work conference , he blanked me the entire time. 
I think I am so overly in to him, he is a highly intelligent man — I find it really hard ti think he wouldn’t realise I am crushing on him. All the signs from me have been there. 

So it goes like this - I will text him to meet up , (this has happened now around 10-15 times I would say) and he has never said he couldn’t or busy - he always makes time and when we meet he is really interested in what I am saying/ cheeky and we have our own little style of banter I would say. I went for another job and got it, but since then my old boss has decided to give me a higher position in order to keep me- He complimented saying that it is a sign of how highly I am thought of , that I’m doing a great job and learning lots. He also has said that my partner (at the time as we have since split) was lucky to have me … it’s just a few things that make me blush around him. We texted yesterday and he sent me a joke about a Valentine’s Day text conversation between a man and wife ..:I replied cheeky 🤪. I then sent him something but he didn’t respond so I later said that it was my attempt to make him smile , he replied with a smiley. We are catching up again tomorrow morning , he said he would be free at 9am so we will have a quick catch up. I have said a few times now that I probably should find more people to help mentor and support at work etc, he just said it is a pleasure to help and he doesn’t mind at all. 
 

overall, I would say when we meet he is quite cheeky / says things to get a reaction (makes comments about the fact too many women in my chain of command making it tricky etc - and I say he is sexist etc etc ) he laughs and likes the banter I think. 

Edited February 16, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Catsclaws00]

It isn’t a work emergency when I text, it is usually for some support on a work thing or to ask if we can meet for a coffee/ chat . He then replies with where he will be and what time would be best etc 

Edited February 16, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Catsclaws00]

16 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

It isn’t a work emergency when I text, it is usually for some support on a work thing or to ask if we can meet for a coffee/ chat . He then replies with where he will be and what time would be best etc 

I should probably add, his children are all grown up and have flown the nest. He has also fairly recently became a grandad as one of his kids had a baby fairly busy surprise. So I get the impression he goes home and sees the kids when he can at weekends and they come to stay etc. he also enjoys holidays away with other men from work , they go off on cycling holidays etc. I am sure they do also have family holidays but I know his wife went off on holiday a few weeks back because he mentioned she was getting back later that day. 

[basil67]

27 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

It isn’t a work emergency when I text, it is usually for some support on a work thing or to ask if we can meet for a coffee/ chat . He then replies with where he will be and what time would be best etc 

I think I read on the first page where you said that if you stopped messaging him that you wouldn't hear from him.  This would indicate that his level of interest is far below yours.

Chasing someone who's really not that interested really can't feel all that good for you.  Wouldn't you feel better if you let it go?