Married co-worker weirdness

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

He said he just sent it to the women in his life through his family WhatsApp group- so 2 daughters and wife I’m guessing . He then said he thought of me 

I'm sure he's a huge supporter of their careers as well and as said before because he's mentoring you he threw you in with the bunch.

[Catsclaws00]

Hi , I posted a while back about a male colleague of mine in his mid 50’s who is high up and very experienced in my place of work. Over the last year or so he has become a real mentor type figure to me, we meet to talk - email and today we have messaged many times and he called me later in the day just to talk . All work related to some degree. I am attracted to him, but trying my very best to keep things professional. That being said , I think he is an emotionally intelligent guy and so think it is unlikely he doesn’t realise I am feeling that way. My question is , could he just be friendly and not thinking much of it or is that unlikely ? I’m trying to work out what his thought process is as it is on my mind. If he realised I like him and wasn’t interested or intrigued, wouldn’t he be making excuses to keep distance… I’m just confused. Any thoughts appreciated, please be kind. I realise I shouldn’t be thinking of him that way as he is already taken…

today I was teasing him in message that he sometimes sounds a bit sarcastic when discussing things … I asked him if he had managed to improve that since we last met, he said probably not. He then replied be careful, don’t confuse Sincerity with sarcasm with around 9 dots ………I didn’t understand what he meant so left it there. And then a few hours later he called me for a catch up and said stay happy at the end. All confusing 

Edited July 20, 2022 by Catsclaws00

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I think he is an emotionally intelligent guy and so think it is unlikely he doesn’t realise I am feeling that way

He probably senses you have a crush, but he is devoted to his wife and family. He's already mentioned that several times. He may be used to students/protegees having crushes but brushes it off.

Edited July 20, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Catsclaws00]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He probably senses you have a crush, but he is devoted to his wife and family. He's already mentioned that several times. He may be used to students/protegees having crushes but brushes it off.

Mentioned what several times ? We haven’t ever spoken about his wife / kids. The only time we had a work do he avoided me and I didn’t say hello or meet her 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Catsclaws00 said:

Hi , I posted a while back about a male colleague of mine in his mid 50’s who is high up and very experienced in my place of work. Over the last year or so he has become a real mentor type figure to me, we meet to talk - email and today we have messaged many times and he called me later in the day just to talk . All work related to some degree. I am attracted to him, but trying my very best to keep things professional. That being said , I think he is an emotionally intelligent guy and so think it is unlikely he doesn’t realise I am feeling that way. My question is , could he just be friendly and not thinking much of it or is that unlikely ? I’m trying to work out what his thought process is as it is on my mind. If he realised I like him and wasn’t interested or intrigued, wouldn’t he be making excuses to keep distance… I’m just confused. Any thoughts appreciated, please be kind. I realise I shouldn’t be thinking of him that way as he is already taken…

today I was teasing him in message that he sometimes sounds a bit sarcastic when discussing things … I asked him if he had managed to improve that since we last met, he said probably not. He then replied be careful, don’t confuse Sincerity with sarcasm with around 9 dots ………I didn’t understand what he meant so left it there. And then a few hours later he called me for a catch up and said stay happy at the end. All confusing 

It sounds more like a giant ego stroke for him knowing that a woman at work has a crush on him. You may be helping his marriage and sex life with his wife too. He's not going to leave her for you but you probably boost his confidence. 

His interactions seem pretty dry and responsive like a person who's teasing you back/doesn't really care that much, coworker type of banter. 

[Catsclaws00]

21 minutes ago, glows said:

It sounds more like a giant ego stroke for him knowing that a woman at work has a crush on him. You may be helping his marriage and sex life with his wife too. He's not going to leave her for you but you probably boost his confidence. 

His interactions seem pretty dry and responsive like a person who's teasing you back/doesn't really care that much, coworker type of banter. 

Yes - I agree he is getting something out of ut by knowing I am feeling that way. We have worked together fairly recently (we work in a hospital environment ) and he was really banterish / I could feel his eyes all over me at one point - he just kept staring and when I looked back he would pull a silly eye roll face. A few other colleagues call him a name because he is really attractive, I’ve told him the name in jest…He was also teasing and saying things infront of other people to be funny. If he was happily married , I’m not sure why he wouldn’t have just told me to back off by now. If I’m wanting things to develop further , is there anything I can try ?  I should mention , to complicate things further - my husband is also one of his work colleagues in same small department. We had a work do 5 months back and he avoided me like the plague , didn’t introduce me to his wife or indeed even acknowledge me. It was really odd when we talk so often ti do this. During a speech someone was giving , I could also see his wife looking at me and glaring a little. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t imagining it . I’m thinking perhaps she has seen the messages and calls on his phone / arranging to meet. Him saying where he will be , am I free etc etc . As a little joke we were arranging to meet but I had another meeting so I text and said I have time for a quickie but others things on. I hoped that might get his mind racing 

Edited July 20, 2022 by Catsclaws00

[stillafool]

45 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I should mention , to complicate things further - my husband is also one of his work colleagues in same small department. We had a work do 5 months back and he avoided me like the plague , didn’t introduce me to his wife or indeed even acknowledge me.

I don't blame him.  Lady please pull yourself together!  This man wants NOTHING to do with a desperate wife of his work colleague.   He probably is looking at you and pitying your husband for being married to you.  He's also probably told his wife about you and what you're up to and that is why she was glaring at you.  I'm sure all your work mates know what you're trying to do also and feel bad for your husband.  Please stop before you and your husband end up fired because of your actions.

[Catsclaws00]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I don't blame him.  Lady please pull yourself together!  This man wants NOTHING to do with a desperate wife of his work colleague.   He probably is looking at you and pitying your husband for being married to you.  He's also probably told his wife about you and what you're up to and that is why she was glaring at you.  I'm sure all your work mates know what you're trying to do also and feel bad for your husband.  Please stop before you and your husband end up fired because of your actions.

I really don’t think this is the case. Would his wife be happy with the fact we have exchanged many messages today, he called me and we spoke for 20 mins. We have a date to meet up in few weeks etc etc 

[Alvi]

4 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

o complicate things further - my husband is also one of his work colleagues in same small department.

What a mess! I don't know what he wants. Judging from what I am reading, I am guessing that he is not totally against starting something with you. How serious is he about you is another question?  Something is holding him back (the thought of cheating on his wife perhaps). It looks like on a verge of starting an affair with you.

But this is not really about him, is it? Better question to ask is what do you want to happen with this guy? Do you want to have an affair with him? How sure are you that he is actually going to leave his family for you? Are you willing to divorce your husband for this guy? If so, do whatever you are doing now because the affair is bound to happen sooner or later. But are you ready to deal with the consequences? It is going to be one giant mess once it is going to come out in the open. Just read the Infidelity and the Other Woman/Man forum and see how well this is working out in a long run for the OWs.

Don't be surprised that once the affair comes to light (and it is going to happen sooner or later) you are going to end up with absolutely nothing and have everybody, including this guy, turned against you.

1 hour ago, Catsclaws00 said:

Would his wife be happy with the fact we have exchanged many messages today, he called me and we spoke for 20 mins.

Hard to say but I am taking an educated guess here to say that she probably has no fringing clue about her husband's "extracurricular" activities. More than likely he is lying to her and minimizing his involvement with you.

1 hour ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I really don’t think this is the case. Would his wife be happy with the fact we have exchanged many messages today, he called me and we spoke for 20 mins. We have a date to meet up in few weeks etc etc 

So, you are calling it a date now. Interesting. So, this is how the love affair between two married people starts. Better to buckle up, it is going to be a very bumpy ride.

4 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

If he was happily married , I’m not sure why he wouldn’t have just told me to back off by now. If I’m wanting things to develop further , is there anything I can try ?

He may or may not be happily married. Even self-proclaimed happily married people cheat on their spouses. One has nothing to do with the other. As I told you, he is not backing off because he is on a verge of having an affair with you. Something is holding him back but sooner or later the affair is going to hake place unless you back off completely. 

What you can do depends on what you want. You can try to backing off and leaving him alone if you don't want to have an affair. But if you do want to step outside of your marriage with this guy, do whatever you are doing now. It seems to be working. Depends on how far further you are willing to do.

[Alvi]

7 hours ago, glows said:

It sounds more like a giant ego stroke for him knowing that a woman at work has a crush on him. You may be helping his marriage and sex life with his wife too. He's not going to leave her for you but you probably boost his confidence. 

I think that from everything that is written here that this guy is definitely interested. He may not be willing to jeopardize his marriage by engaging into an affair but he is definitely interested. They are already talking on a phone for 20 minutes and arranging dates. He is definitely crossing a dangerous line. So, yeah, it is only a matter of time till the actual affair takes place. Especially with the OP encouraging him. Let's just hope he has enough senses to say no before anything happens. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

As a little joke we were arranging to meet but I had another meeting so I text and said I have time for a quickie but others things on. I hoped that might get his mind racing

OP, what are you doing?

Throwing yourself at a married man isn't cute. It's kind of embarrassing, actually. 

[Catsclaws00]

45 minutes ago, Alvi said:

I think that from everything that is written here that this guy is definitely interested. He may not be willing to jeopardize his marriage by engaging into an affair but he is definitely interested. They are already talking on a phone for 20 minutes and arranging dates. He is definitely crossing a dangerous line. So, yeah, it is only a matter of time till the actual affair takes place. Especially with the OP encouraging him. Let's just hope he has enough senses to say no before anything happens. 

So I meant a date to see eachother next , we go through and see when we can find some time to talk , usually we try to do it when we know we can talk ‘uninterrupted’ as he calls it. Although us meeting is usually talking through things at work , it isn’t something that is necessary at all and he isn’t doing this with other people in this way. We aren’t talking about anything to do with his wife / sexual etc . I have tried a few times to say to him I’m sure he is busy and maybe it’s best if I find someone in my own department to talk through these work issues with, he said he is happy to support me and help. Lots of messages on our phone say things like - are we still meeting ? Are you free ? Can’t do now but will call you later etc …. I have been saying to him that he is a good listener and he really helps make things seem better…. He clearly knows how I am feeling. I don’t want either of us to leave our marriages , but I would like to get to a point where something physical happens between us because I want that really badly. It’s all I can think about currently - I wonder if he has ever thought of me in that way 

[Catsclaws00]

2 hours ago, Alvi said:

What a mess! I don't know what he wants. Judging from what I am reading, I am guessing that he is not totally against starting something with you. How serious is he about you is another question?  Something is holding him back (the thought of cheating on his wife perhaps). It looks like on a verge of starting an affair with you.

But this is not really about him, is it? Better question to ask is what do you want to happen with this guy? Do you want to have an affair with him? How sure are you that he is actually going to leave his family for you? Are you willing to divorce your husband for this guy? If so, do whatever you are doing now because the affair is bound to happen sooner or later. But are you ready to deal with the consequences? It is going to be one giant mess once it is going to come out in the open. Just read the Infidelity and the Other Woman/Man forum and see how well this is working out in a long run for the OWs.

Don't be surprised that once the affair comes to light (and it is going to happen sooner or later) you are going to end up with absolutely nothing and have everybody, including this guy, turned against you.

Hard to say but I am taking an educated guess here to say that she probably has no fringing clue about her husband's "extracurricular" activities. More than likely he is lying to her and minimizing his involvement with you.

So, you are calling it a date now. Interesting. So, this is how the love affair between two married people starts. Better to buckle up, it is going to be a very bumpy ride.

He may or may not be happily married. Even self-proclaimed happily married people cheat on their spouses. One has nothing to do with the other. As I told you, he is not backing off because he is on a verge of having an affair with you. Something is holding him back but sooner or later the affair is going to hake place unless you back off completely. 

What you can do depends on what you want. You can try to backing off and leaving him alone if you don't want to have an affair. But if you do want to step outside of your marriage with this guy, do whatever you are doing now. It seems to be working. Depends on how far further you are willing to do.

When does something become an emotional affair ? At the moment he isn’t confiding in me about any problems or anything - however I am almost certain he won’t be telling his wife we meet up in private, he is supporting and we have regular communication. I don’t see how this can develop in to an affair because he seems hesitant to allow that and is not fully buying in as you say. He has a wife, lovely house and 4 grown up kids - grandson recently so he has lots to lose if he did and lost things for a silly fling. 

[ExpatInItaly]

48 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I don’t see how this can develop in to an affair

But you seem to be hoping it will. 

 

[NuevoYorko]

 What is the problem with functioning in a professional manner at your job?   You are behaving quite foolishly and it will not take you anywhere good - as you have heard here before in your other posts.

You are participating in a banal workplace flirtation.  Every office and other work environment has them going on.  They don't mean anything except that the people involved in them are not quite stand-up individuals. 

Just cut it out please.  Frankly, t's pretty cringeworthy.  

  

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Catsclaws00 said:

He has a wife, lovely house and 4 grown up kids - grandson recently so he has lots to lose if he did and lost things for a silly fling. 

Forgive me if you've already covered this....but it sounds like you have nothing to lose if you get caught having a silly fling.  Why not get divorced before you go getting interested in other men

[NuevoYorko]

When did you get married?  You were single back in February, when you first started posting about your obsession with this guy.  How'd you end up meeting a man and getting him to the alter in the midst of all of this?  A man at the same workplace no less!  

[Catsclaws00]

We were married 6 years ago, but have been living apart as things have been really tricky for past 15 months. We still live apart and see eachother few times a week. 

[Catsclaws00]

Just now, Catsclaws00 said:

We were married 6 years ago, but have been living apart as things have been really tricky for past 15 months. We still live apart and see eachother few times a week. 

He has been seeing other women in this time so I am single apart from a piece of paper that says otherwise 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Catsclaws00 said:

He has been seeing other women in this time so I am single apart from a piece of paper that says otherwise 

Ok, so even if he has a thing for you,  as a woman with nothing to lose, you'd be a high risk for a MM.  There's always the potential for a woman who's got no ties to blow up is world if she doesn't get what she wants.   I'm not saying that you'd do it, but it's just your situation which could give him pause.

However, as he's made no moves in the six months or so you've been writing, I doubt this is going anywhere anyway.  He may have a crush or he may just enjoy a bit of flirting for sport.  Flirt back if you want, but don't expect it to come to anything

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

  my husband is also one of his work colleagues in same small department. We had a work do  and he avoided me like the plague  didn’t introduce me to his wife.

It seems like you enjoy your fantasies about him for some reason. This really has nothing to do with him. He's happily married, even though you're not.

[vla1120]

16 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

During a speech someone was giving , I could also see his wife looking at me and glaring a little. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t imagining it . I’m thinking perhaps she has seen the messages and calls on his phone / arranging to meet. Him saying where he will be , am I free etc etc . As a little joke we were arranging to meet but I had another meeting so I text and said I have time for a quickie but others things on. I hoped that might get his mind racing 

Go for it. I mean....what's the worst that can happen? Oh. Yeah. You lose your job....your husband loses his job.....your husband leaves you for your infidelity.....I doubt your previous boss will lose his job since he's pretty high up, but maybe his wife starts stalking you for trying to move in on her husband.....

You're playing with fire, but you don't seem to care. 

Edited July 21, 2022 by vla1120

[vla1120]

7 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

We were married 6 years ago, but have been living apart as things have been really tricky for past 15 months. We still live apart and see eachother few times a week. 

Oh. I didn't catch that part. If your husband is smart, he'll distance himself from you sooner rather than later so your obsession with this other man does not have an adverse affect on his career/job.

[glows]

19 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

If I’m wanting things to develop further , is there anything I can try ?  I should mention , to complicate things further - my husband is also one of his work colleagues in same small department. We had a work do 5 months back and he avoided me like the plague , didn’t introduce me to his wife or indeed even acknowledge me. It was really odd when we talk so often ti do this. During a speech someone was giving , I could also see his wife looking at me and glaring a little. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t imagining it . I’m thinking perhaps she has seen the messages and calls on his phone / arranging to meet. Him saying where he will be , am I free etc etc . As a little joke we were arranging to meet but I had another meeting so I text and said I have time for a quickie but others things on. I hoped that might get his mind racing 

From the sounds of things and subsequent posts further down and the way others are reacting to you including his wife, both you and him may be the workplace joke at this point. I read his responses to you as semi-joking. I'm sorry to sound harsh but your reputation and his reputation may precede both of you, and none of it positive. The other staff are watching and his wife is aware. 

I'd step back and rethink whether this is a good idea as wanting anything to develop here is a bit like stepping into your own grave. There's very little to suggest a real romance developing as it's shrouded in secrecy and confined to workplace conversations. 

It seems his texts keep you hooked so I'd review the need to communicate via text at all. Working in a hospital does mean you have to have your phone on you at all times but I'd also reconsider whether he's a mentor at all. A real mentor would not lead you down a path like this. He's the opposite of what a mentor looks like. You're very easy to manipulate.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

When did you get married?  You were single back in February, when you first started posting about your obsession with this guy.

It's difficult to find a proper response when it seems like the point of it is hoping for all these projected 'signs' means this that or the other, they're secretly in love, chasing, crushing etc.. Unfortunately is feels like fishing for compliments, likes and lies that substantiate the desired responses of 'yes, they are crazy about you'..