Married co-worker weirdness

[Catsclaws00]

On 7/20/2022 at 8:40 PM, Wiseman2 said:

He probably senses you have a crush, but he is devoted to his wife and family. He's already mentioned that several times. He may be used to students/protegees having crushes but brushes it off.

Yes I understand that, however if he senses I am crushing on him why doesn’t he makes excuses to distance himself from me ? I realise that me coming across so desperately is just embarrassing, but I really have feelings for him. I am considering just calmly saying to him how I feel to try and get some clarity on if it is literally just me or if he feels something also. Even if we both realise we won’t ever act on it , it would be good to know if I’m imagining or over thinking it. I don’t see why he would keep seeing me / messaging back etc if he was genuinely under the impression I like him in a way more than a mentor 

[Catsclaws00]

On 7/20/2022 at 10:07 PM, glows said:

It sounds more like a giant ego stroke for him knowing that a woman at work has a crush on him. You may be helping his marriage and sex life with his wife too. He's not going to leave her for you but you probably boost his confidence. 

His interactions seem pretty dry and responsive like a person who's teasing you back/doesn't really care that much, coworker type of banter. 

If he doesn’t really care that much, why keep things going ? He must realise he isn’t giving me the impression he wants me to leave him alone. If he has dropped that hint, I would be leaving it. 

[Catsclaws00]

On 3/15/2022 at 1:29 PM, stillafool said:

I'm sure he's a huge supporter of their careers as well and as said before because he's mentoring you he threw you in with the bunch.

He said it in a cheeky kind of way and teasing. He said did I have a good day, and that he sent a message to his family WhatsApp group , he said he thought of me … 

[Catsclaws00]

On 7/20/2022 at 10:07 PM, glows said:

It sounds more like a giant ego stroke for him knowing that a woman at work has a crush on him. You may be helping his marriage and sex life with his wife too. He's not going to leave her for you but you probably boost his confidence. 

His interactions seem pretty dry and responsive like a person who's teasing you back/doesn't really care that much, coworker type of banter. 

Helping his marriage / sex life - I don’t understand sorry ?  I give him some compliments now and again so yes confidence probably is boosted . 

[Catsclaws00]

On 7/20/2022 at 11:21 PM, stillafool said:

I don't blame him.  Lady please pull yourself together!  This man wants NOTHING to do with a desperate wife of his work colleague.   He probably is looking at you and pitying your husband for being married to you.  He's also probably told his wife about you and what you're up to and that is why she was glaring at you.  I'm sure all your work mates know what you're trying to do also and feel bad for your husband.  Please stop before you and your husband end up fired because of your actions.

Our work colleagues don’t know anything at all - why would they ? Other than the fact he is being supportive and we meet up. I also doubt very much he has told his wife anything, if he had do you think he would be calling me / texting back and agreeing next time we would be able to meet ? 

[Catsclaws00]

On 7/21/2022 at 5:21 AM, Alvi said:

I think that from everything that is written here that this guy is definitely interested. He may not be willing to jeopardize his marriage by engaging into an affair but he is definitely interested. They are already talking on a phone for 20 minutes and arranging dates. He is definitely crossing a dangerous line. So, yeah, it is only a matter of time till the actual affair takes place. Especially with the OP encouraging him. Let's just hope he has enough senses to say no before anything happens. 

He clearly knows we aren’t behaving in a ‘normal’ way. This is what I don’t understand. If it was totally all in my head and infatuation, he could easily make excuses and just give me a wide birth… yet he doesn’t do that , he says yes every time I ask to meet , tells me where he will be when and if I ask him if we can talk he is very responsive / calls me etc 

[Catsclaws00]

On 7/21/2022 at 3:16 AM, Alvi said:

What a mess! I don't know what he wants. Judging from what I am reading, I am guessing that he is not totally against starting something with you. How serious is he about you is another question?  Something is holding him back (the thought of cheating on his wife perhaps). It looks like on a verge of starting an affair with you.

But this is not really about him, is it? Better question to ask is what do you want to happen with this guy? Do you want to have an affair with him? How sure are you that he is actually going to leave his family for you? Are you willing to divorce your husband for this guy? If so, do whatever you are doing now because the affair is bound to happen sooner or later. But are you ready to deal with the consequences? It is going to be one giant mess once it is going to come out in the open. Just read the Infidelity and the Other Woman/Man forum and see how well this is working out in a long run for the OWs.

Don't be surprised that once the affair comes to light (and it is going to happen sooner or later) you are going to end up with absolutely nothing and have everybody, including this guy, turned against you.

Hard to say but I am taking an educated guess here to say that she probably has no fringing clue about her husband's "extracurricular" activities. More than likely he is lying to her and minimizing his involvement with you.

So, you are calling it a date now. Interesting. So, this is how the love affair between two married people starts. Better to buckle up, it is going to be a very bumpy ride.

He may or may not be happily married. Even self-proclaimed happily married people cheat on their spouses. One has nothing to do with the other. As I told you, he is not backing off because he is on a verge of having an affair with you. Something is holding him back but sooner or later the affair is going to hake place unless you back off completely. 

What you can do depends on what you want. You can try to backing off and leaving him alone if you don't want to have an affair. But if you do want to step outside of your marriage with this guy, do whatever you are doing now. It seems to be working. Depends on how far further you are willing to do.

He is a highly intelligent man. I don’t think any way at all he doesn’t realise that I’m feeling the way I am. I’m not sure if an affair is bound to happen, I’m guessing I would need to softly test the water 

[Catsclaws00]

On 7/21/2022 at 9:21 AM, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you enjoy your fantasies about him for some reason. This really has nothing to do with him. He's happily married, even though you're not.

How do you know he is happily married ? He has never told me or made a point of saying how happy he is . Nor has he said he is unhappy. However , he clearly knows he has a woman who is 20 years younger than him who is interested and who time after time he is meeting for work chats that don’t really need to happen at all, we say we meet for him to mentor me but that has become an excuse in my opinion. Of course he is wise and hasn’t tried anything , but he definitely isn’t meeting other colleagues in this way. Nor am I for that matter . Our messaging is really casual now and I am really quite cheeky in some of my messages , saying things like I’ve got time for a quickie , he mentioned 2 of our colleagues that I need to speak to and described it as a 3 way… I am hoping he thinks of me sexually as I do him . After 25-30 years with his wife , maybe he does want something else to think about / to feel sexy and appreciated 

[Catsclaws00]

On 2/18/2022 at 4:58 PM, Wiseman2 said:

he's not interested in anything but whatever this work meeting was for. Perhaps he was waiting for it to end so he could get home to his wife and kids?

That’s just it. It wasn’t a ‘work meeting’ - these meetings are just me and him alone in any empty office space we can find … stolen 20 minutes here and there - no real reason to meet , I think we both want to see eachother 

[vla1120]

25 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I realise that me coming across so desperately is just embarrassing, but I really have feelings for him. I am considering just calmly saying to him how I feel to try and get some clarity on if it is literally just me or if he feels something also. Even if we both realise we won’t ever act on it , it would be good to know if I’m imagining or over thinking it. I don’t see why he would keep seeing me / messaging back etc if he was genuinely under the impression I like him in a way more than a mentor 

If you really have feelings for him, maybe you should read the OW/OM board and see how many women find themselves in horribly desperate situations after spending years (or even months) fawning over another woman's husband, expecting/hoping he will leave his wife for her, only to be thrown under the bus and/or discarded once the wife finds out. 

7 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I am hoping he thinks of me sexually as I do him . After 25-30 years with his wife , maybe he does want something else to think about / to feel sexy and appreciated 

If you approach him with a definitive offer of sex, most likely he will accommodate, given how he has flirted with the idea himself. What is your end game? Is it just a quick roll in the hay that you're after? Please think long and hard before you go any further down this rabbit hole. 

[Catsclaws00]

On 2/13/2022 at 12:58 AM, BaileyB said:

Really? Because that’s not what you’ve said previously - why ask whether people thought he returned your interest repeatedly if you knew he was just being professional and he is just a nice person? 

You think he is flirting with you, you say that you are the only person he meets, and you believe that the fact that he books a private room to talk are all signs that he is interested. 

And the fact that you wonder if he has told his wife about you implies that there is something to tell. Why would he tell his wife that he meets with you when nothing has happened between you. 

You don’t think he might mention the fact he is texting a woman from work who is 20 years his junior , who he suspects fancies him. Instead he is going along with ut all, meeting up with her alone and talking on the phone etc. you don’t think his wife might find that a little odd ? 

[Catsclaws00]

2 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

If you really have feelings for him, maybe you should read the OW/OM board and see how many women find themselves in horribly desperate situations after spending years (or even months) fawning over another woman's husband, expecting/hoping he will leave his wife for her, only to be thrown under the bus and/or discarded once the wife finds out. 

If you approach him with a definitive offer of sex, most likely he will accommodate, given how he has flirted with the idea himself. What is your end game? Is it just a quick roll in the hay that you're after? Please think long and hard before you go any further down this rabbit hole. 

I don’t know for sure he has ever thought of something in that way - I am guessing / hoping he has . I may be totally mis reading and he sees me like a daughter / someone to genuinely help . I just don’t think that is my gut instinct 

[Catsclaws00]

Just now, Catsclaws00 said:

I don’t know for sure he has ever thought of something in that way - I am guessing / hoping he has . I may be totally mis reading and he sees me like a daughter / someone to genuinely help . I just don’t think that is my gut instinct 

He has lots to lose by agreeing to have sex with Me. I guess it depends if he is sure nobody would ever find out or suspect at all 

[Catsclaws00]

On 2/12/2022 at 3:22 PM, lana-banana said:

I don't think you would be thinking/worrying if you weren't attracted to him. The evidence suggests he's trying to be professional about this. It could be he senses how you feel and is trying to be distant when he can. Please stay professional and avoid interacting with him until this crush passes. 

He isn’t trying to be professional. If he was and he knows I want something more , he would make excuses or suggest I find someone else to mentor me etc . Instead he is going along with it 

[Catsclaws00]

On 2/12/2022 at 1:32 PM, BaileyB said:

Why is it upsetting you?

Because so feel as if he knows I like him and he is just playing with my emotions 

[Catsclaws00]

On 2/13/2022 at 2:51 PM, Dale F said:

Totally agree! I'm old enough to have witnessed a few work-place-romances gone bad. As a result, it's something I've successfully averted for 30+ years. It's a line I do not want to cross.  

How have you averted it? With what I’m saying about how this guy is acting, would you be happy to continue meeting a woman 20 years younger than you in empty offices / texting / teasing and calling her to chat on the phone ? It doesn’t feel like he is telling me no or to back away 

[vla1120]

57 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

How have you averted it? With what I’m saying about how this guy is acting, would you be happy to continue meeting a woman 20 years younger than you in empty offices / texting / teasing and calling her to chat on the phone ? It doesn’t feel like he is telling me no or to back away 

Since it takes two to tango, only one of the pair needs to keep the boundaries intact. If you were not tossing out hints and sexual innuendos, there would be no temptations, nothing for him to reciprocate. You can make a choice to set boundaries in the work place. I've also seen these workplace relationships go bad with people losing their jobs. In my part of the state, education is a pretty small community, so their reputation usually precedes them when they are applying for new jobs. It's a slippery slope.

[NuevoYorko]

11 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

Yes I understand that, however if he senses I am crushing on him why doesn’t he makes excuses to distance himself from me ? 

???  Why?  If you're crushing on him, he is not required to do anything whatsoever in response to it.   Maybe he doesn't want to distance himself.   Maybe he's interested in whatever you're working on.  It is actually a WORKPLACE, even though you don't seem to be experiencing it that way.  Maybe he likes the distraction.  Whatever.  He certainly doesn't need to go to any efforts to "make excuses" because of your inappropriate behavior.  That's your own problem, not his.

He is not interested in you beyond, possibly, a grope in a closet at some point if you get really lucky.  Your descriptions of him making "googly eyes" at you etc. are definitely not painting a picture of a man who is feeling anything.   Especially the eye rolling. [ ]  

In real life, I think you need to figure out why you are having such a terrible struggle doing your job without needing to constantly be "mentored" by this guy.  You probably need to go to HR and get a new assignment to a role where you are capable of accomplishing the work.  Between needing so much help and all the time you spend stalking and tracking the eye movements, etc., of this man, you must be doing a pretty poor job.

Edited July 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[stillafool]

On 7/20/2022 at 8:21 PM, Catsclaws00 said:

I really don’t think this is the case. Would his wife be happy with the fact we have exchanged many messages today, he called me and we spoke for 20 mins. We have a date to meet up in few weeks etc etc 

He asked you to go on a date?  I didn't think so, he's going to meet up with you to again try to help you with your work, isn't he?  I agree with Neuvo Yorko, how much help do you need to do your job?  Is it that hard?

Look since you're intent on going over this cliff, why don't you just come out and ask him to have sex with you and get it over with?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

Because so feel as if he knows I like him and he is just playing with my emotions 

Your husband also works with him? Your emotions are of course, your responsibility, not his.

[Catsclaws00]

54 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He asked you to go on a date?  I didn't think so, he's going to meet up with you to again try to help you with your work, isn't he?  I agree with Neuvo Yorko, how much help do you need to do your job?  Is it that hard?

Look since you're intent on going over this cliff, why don't you just come out and ask him to have sex with you and get it over with?

That is my point, it is pretty obvious to me and him that I don’t ‘need help ‘ 

[Catsclaws00]

8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

???  Why?  If you're crushing on him, he is not required to do anything whatsoever in response to it.   Maybe he doesn't want to distance himself.   Maybe he's interested in whatever you're working on.  It is actually a WORKPLACE, even though you don't seem to be experiencing it that way.  Maybe he likes the distraction.  Whatever.  He certainly doesn't need to go to any efforts to "make excuses" because of your inappropriate behavior.  That's your own problem, not his.

He is not interested in you beyond, possibly, a grope in a closet at some point if you get really lucky.  Your descriptions of him making "googly eyes" at you etc. are definitely not painting a picture of a man who is feeling anything.   Especially the eye rolling. [ ] 

In real life, I think you need to figure out why you are having such a terrible struggle doing your job without needing to constantly be "mentored" by this guy.  You probably need to go to HR and get a new assignment to a role where you are capable of accomplishing the work.  Between needing so much help and all the time you spend stalking and tracking the eye movements, etc., of this man, you must be doing a pretty poor job.

That is really harsh - this is meant to be a supportive place. Lots is happening in my department and he said he is happy to support me : I think myself and he know that I don’t ‘need ‘ him, it is now being used as a reason to see eachother 

Edited July 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Catsclaws00]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your husband also works with him? Your emotions are of course, your responsibility, not his.

Yes of course they are, but if he knows I am developing feelings and he isn’t trying to shut that down what does that say about him also 

[Catsclaws00]

4 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

???  Why?  If you're crushing on him, he is not required to do anything whatsoever in response to it.   Maybe he doesn't want to distance himself.   Maybe he's interested in whatever you're working on.  It is actually a WORKPLACE, even though you don't seem to be experiencing it that way.  Maybe he likes the distraction.  Whatever.  He certainly doesn't need to go to any efforts to "make excuses" because of your inappropriate behavior.  That's your own problem, not his.

He is not interested in you beyond, possibly, a grope in a closet at some point if you get really lucky.  Your descriptions of him making "googly eyes" at you etc. are definitely not painting a picture of a man who is feeling anything.   Especially the eye rolling.  FFS. 

In real life, I think you need to figure out why you are having such a terrible struggle doing your job without needing to constantly be "mentored" by this guy.  You probably need to go to HR and get a new assignment to a role where you are capable of accomplishing the work.  Between needing so much help and all the time you spend stalking and tracking the eye movements, etc., of this man, you must be doing a pretty poor job.

Do you not think if his intentions were purely genuine he might also wonder this by now … I don’t need him to help me , we talk a few things through but it is about seeing eachother 

[glows]

7 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

Even if we both realise we won’t ever act on it , it would be good to know if I’m imagining or over thinking it.

I suppose by now you may see this thread is going around in circles. You've written a lot here to suggest that he does fancy you in some way, even if it's superficial and goes nowhere. I'm not really sure what you're looking for in terms of an answer. You seem to answer a lot of your own questions about this man and hold him in high esteem, look for his attention and are already convinced that he likes you.