Author Catsclaws00 Posted July 22, 2022 Author Share Posted July 22, 2022 6 minutes ago, glows said: I suppose by now you may see this thread is going around in circles. You've written a lot here to suggest that he does fancy you in some way, even if it's superficial and goes nowhere. I'm not really sure what you're looking for in terms of an answer. You seem to answer a lot of your own questions about this man and hold him in high esteem, look for his attention and are already convinced that he likes you. I am looking for some clarity . Impossible to know without asking him outright I guess Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 22, 2022 Share Posted July 22, 2022 1 minute ago, Catsclaws00 said: I am looking for some clarity . Impossible to know without asking him outright I guess As long as you're involved with a married man it's unlikely there will be any clarity. It's a bit like wading into a swamp and wondering why it's so murky. Even in the best of relationships, things can get muddled but picking a situation like this just gets you a million times more confusion. It's why everyone has been cautioning you against being this involved. You're setting yourself up for the exact confusion that you're trying to clarify. And won't get any better... it's not likely to get any better with a man of his.. talents. So far the interactions between the two of you have been at work only and a lot of it via text or phone. Sometimes there's the occasional meeting but it's a meeting at work. Maybe it's the high of feeling attracted to someone or meeting someone you seem to like or have a crush on that keeps you looking for his attention. I do think that if you stepped back for a moment or took a break and gave yourself a shake you might see that he's not much to write home about... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 22, 2022 Share Posted July 22, 2022 3 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said: Yes of course they are, but if he knows I am developing feelings and he isn’t trying to shut that down what does that say about him also Given that you go along with it, he quite reasonably believes that you're enjoying this flirting.....so why would he shut it down? If you don't like it, tell him you don't need help and stop engaging in flirting Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted July 22, 2022 Author Share Posted July 22, 2022 1 hour ago, basil67 said: Given that you go along with it, he quite reasonably believes that you're enjoying this flirting.....so why would he shut it down? If you don't like it, tell him you don't need help and stop engaging in flirting Because he is happily married and not looking for anything else ? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 23, 2022 Share Posted July 23, 2022 2 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said: I am looking for some clarity . Impossible to know without asking him outright I guess How can we give you clarity? Ask him what he's thinking. Glow is right this thread is going around in circles with you asking the same questions and us giving the same answers. It's time to put your big girl pants on and ask him what you want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 23, 2022 Share Posted July 23, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Catsclaws00 said: Because he is happily married and not looking for anything else ? You said you didn't understand why he didn't down because of your feelings. Him being happily married has nothing to do with your feelings. Fact is, it doesn't necessarily follow that physical contact will follow flirting Given that nothing has happened between the two of you in six months or so, I doubt he is looking to escalate. It looks to me like this is just flirting for fun...and as he's married and works with your estranged husband, he likely assumes you know that. Unless he's verbalised fantasies of the two of you getting a hotel, I wouldn't expect anything to come of it. Edited July 23, 2022 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted July 23, 2022 Author Share Posted July 23, 2022 On 7/20/2022 at 8:19 PM, Catsclaws00 said: Hi , I posted a while back about a male colleague of mine in his mid 50’s who is high up and very experienced in my place of work. Over the last year or so he has become a real mentor type figure to me, we meet to talk - email and today we have messaged many times and he called me later in the day just to talk . All work related to some degree. I am attracted to him, but trying my very best to keep things professional. That being said , I think he is an emotionally intelligent guy and so think it is unlikely he doesn’t realise I am feeling that way. My question is , could he just be friendly and not thinking much of it or is that unlikely ? I’m trying to work out what his thought process is as it is on my mind. If he realised I like him and wasn’t interested or intrigued, wouldn’t he be making excuses to keep distance… I’m just confused. Any thoughts appreciated, please be kind. I realise I shouldn’t be thinking of him that way as he is already taken… today I was teasing him in message that he sometimes sounds a bit sarcastic when discussing things … I asked him if he had managed to improve that since we last met, he said probably not. He then replied be careful, don’t confuse Sincerity with sarcasm with around 9 dots ………I didn’t understand what he meant so left it there. And then a few hours later he called me for a catch up and said stay happy at the end. All confusing This is my question as we all agree this is going round and round - I will need to ask him as you say if I want to know. Take the text exchange above that I describe , from totally outside view does that sound flirty / or just friendly ? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 23, 2022 Share Posted July 23, 2022 No it doesn't sound flirty to me. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 23, 2022 Share Posted July 23, 2022 8 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said: This is my question as we all agree this is going round and round - I will need to ask him as you say if I want to know. Take the text exchange above that I describe , from totally outside view does that sound flirty / or just friendly ? Thanks It doesn’t sound friendly to me to be honest. You thought he was sarcastic on a few occasions and asked if he improved that. He said probably not and not to confuse sincerity with sarcasm meaning some of his answers to your previously were not sarcastic but sincere instead. He knows you’re reading into things way too much and basically telling you to back off. Stay happy at the end is a backhanded slap. Basically even though you read into things and misinterpret and he’s not interested, “stay happy”. Do your own thing and regulate your emotions accordingly. Sorry to sound harsh. He’s a regular run of the mill superficial flirt with no real interest in you. I think he’s toying with you because he gets an ego stroke and you give him attention, probably more than he’s had in his adult life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted July 23, 2022 Author Share Posted July 23, 2022 40 minutes ago, glows said: It doesn’t sound friendly to me to be honest. You thought he was sarcastic on a few occasions and asked if he improved that. He said probably not and not to confuse sincerity with sarcasm meaning some of his answers to your previously were not sarcastic but sincere instead. He knows you’re reading into things way too much and basically telling you to back off. Stay happy at the end is a backhanded slap. Basically even though you read into things and misinterpret and he’s not interested, “stay happy”. Do your own thing and regulate your emotions accordingly. Sorry to sound harsh. He’s a regular run of the mill superficial flirt with no real interest in you. I think he’s toying with you because he gets an ego stroke and you give him attention, probably more than he’s had in his adult life. I think you are right , please can you just explain the logic behind what he said again clearly as I am not fully understanding. Thanks so much Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted July 23, 2022 Share Posted July 23, 2022 (edited) Not flirty, not friendly. No one is going to clarify the "logic" of a vacuous text exchange. Folks text throwaway crap like this to dozens of people every day. It's meaningless. The ONLY meaningful bit is that you start this by "teasing" him. As always YOU are on him. He is responding to a married coworker who is reaching out during the workday to TEASE him. How is he supposed to respond to that? You're creating a really messed up, awkward and inappropriate situation. Try leaving him alone and doing your job as if you are a professional in your field. If he wants you, he will come after you. As long as you keep stalking, teasing, flirting, staring, obsessing , etc. he is simply reacting to what you do. What IS meaningful here is the fact that you are in desperate, blatant pursuit during your workday and he STILL has not made any kind of move on you. Any man who wanted a quick grope in the janitor closet would have taken advantage of the opportunity you offer months ago. Think about this. It tells you all you need to know. Edited July 23, 2022 by NuevoYorko 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted July 23, 2022 Author Share Posted July 23, 2022 1 hour ago, Catsclaws00 said: I think you are right , please can you just explain the logic behind what he said again clearly as I am not fully understanding. Thanks so much If it matters , I haven’t actually found him sarcastic - it was just said playfully. I thought he may have said something like happy to support with work things but let’s keep things professional or let’s not message as don’t want things to become confused etc etc . He doesn’t say that , I ask to see him and he says yes every single time Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 23, 2022 Share Posted July 23, 2022 (edited) On 7/20/2022 at 2:27 PM, Catsclaws00 said: If I’m wanting things to develop further , is there anything I can try ? I should mention , to complicate things further - my husband is also one of his work colleagues in same small department. We had a work do 5 months back and he avoided me like the plague ... I could also see his wife looking at me and glaring a little. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t imagining it . I’m thinking perhaps she has seen the messages and calls on his phone / arranging to meet. Him saying where he will be , am I free etc etc . As a little joke we were arranging to meet but I had another meeting so I text and said I have time for a quickie but others things on. I hoped that might get his mind racing I am looking for some clarity . Hmm. I'm not one to bash people just for having affairs - you are an adult and can make your own decisions. However, you seem to be taking a lot of risks with this - risks with your marriage, with his marriage, with your job, and with his job. IMO all of that is potentially at risk - and that is a LOT of risk. People don't always make the best decisions WRT romance, which is a big reason why this forum exists. Perhaps you find a bit of "thrill" appealing. It's understandable, many people do. However given what you describe, if you were to start an affair and the situation unravels, you might be left looking back at this one day with a LOT of regret. Something to think about... Maybe nothing will happen. Maybe you'll never get caught. Maybe you will and both your spouses will be willing to reconcile. Maybe there won't be substantial work fallout like one or both of you losing a job (or a spouse insisting one of you leave). Those are a lot of maybe's and I'm not sure whatever you're getting out of this is actually worth what you're putting up for potentially losing. Edited July 23, 2022 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted July 23, 2022 Author Share Posted July 23, 2022 14 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said: If it matters , I haven’t actually found him sarcastic - it was just said playfully. I thought he may have said something like happy to support with work things but let’s keep things professional or let’s not message as don’t want things to become confused etc etc . He doesn’t say that , I ask to see him and he says yes every single time The conversation read like this : have you managed to work on being less sarcastic since we last met ? Him - probably not maybe I should help you with that, nobody wants a sarcastic mentor him - be careful not to confuse sarcasm with sincerity me - noted. I’m sure you can do both .. them he called me 3 hours later and we spoke for 20 mins whilst he drove home in car Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted July 23, 2022 Author Share Posted July 23, 2022 12 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Hmm. I'm not one to bash people just for having affairs - you are an adult and can make your own decisions. However, you seem to be taking a lot of risks with this - risks with your marriage, with his marriage, with your job, and with his job. IMO all of that is potentially at risk - and that is a LOT of risk. People don't always make the best decisions WRT romance, which is a big reason why this forum exists. Perhaps you find a bit of "thrill" appealing. It's understandable, many people do. However given what you describe, if you were to start an affair and the situation unravels, you might be left looking back at this one day with a LOT of regret. Something to think about... Maybe nothing will happen. Maybe you'll never get caught. Maybe you will and both your spouses will be willing to reconcile. Maybe there won't be substantial work fallout like one or both of you losing a job (or a spouse insisting one of you leave). Those are a lot of maybe's and I'm not sure whatever you're getting out of this is actually worth what you're putting up for potentially losing. Thanks , yes these are all valid points and I totally get that. I don’t think I’m thinking particularly rationally at the moment. The opinion on this forum seems to be that he is doing nothing other than being a good work mentor and that I’m being completely inappropriate. That may also be true , or not as they obviously don’t know him and only know what I’m writing on here. Either way , I’ve fallen for him big time and I agree it is going to get messy . He is a highly intelligent man with good morals , so I’m guessing even if I’m correct and he does fancy me the risks may just be too high stake for him to move things on. We are in a ‘safe’ zone at the moment. Seeing eachother regularly and being bit flirty under the guise of mentoring. Maybe he is happy and that’s as far as it can ever go Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted July 23, 2022 Author Share Posted July 23, 2022 2 hours ago, glows said: It doesn’t sound friendly to me to be honest. You thought he was sarcastic on a few occasions and asked if he improved that. He said probably not and not to confuse sincerity with sarcasm meaning some of his answers to your previously were not sarcastic but sincere instead. He knows you’re reading into things way too much and basically telling you to back off. Stay happy at the end is a backhanded slap. Basically even though you read into things and misinterpret and he’s not interested, “stay happy”. Do your own thing and regulate your emotions accordingly. Sorry to sound harsh. He’s a regular run of the mill superficial flirt with no real interest in you. I think he’s toying with you because he gets an ego stroke and you give him attention, probably more than he’s had in his adult life. Maybe dropping him like a stone and not contacting for next few weeks will make him actually miss the contact Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 23, 2022 Share Posted July 23, 2022 (edited) Research the possibility that he is not pursuing you, but that you have a crush. Edited July 23, 2022 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 23, 2022 Share Posted July 23, 2022 (edited) Good that you are seeing the risk issue, it seems pretty major in your particular situation. 13 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said: Seeing each other regularly and being bit flirty under the guise of mentoring. Maybe he is happy and that’s as far as it can ever go That is certainly one possibility. There are those in the world who will flirt but never take it past the physical line, and given everything you describe it sounds like perhaps he is one of those. I would suggest you be quite cautious nonetheless. Edited July 23, 2022 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted July 23, 2022 Author Share Posted July 23, 2022 1 minute ago, mark clemson said: Completely true, but one can't diagnose someone on the basis of forum posts. We are not seeing the guy, his mannerisms, intonations, etc. It is possible to flirt without overtly saying "you're hot" or similar. So hard to say she is truly "off" about this. He is meeting me in rooms regularly to talk through things that we both realise (as adults with a brain) that it isn’t vital for us to be meeting about (in our jobs we needn’t meet ever and our work area is totally unrelated) he is just very knowledgeable and said he is happy to support and it’s a pleasure/ that I will be chief executive etc etc Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted July 23, 2022 Author Share Posted July 23, 2022 1 minute ago, Catsclaws00 said: He is meeting me in rooms regularly to talk through things that we both realise (as adults with a brain) that it isn’t vital for us to be meeting about (in our jobs we needn’t meet ever and our work area is totally unrelated) he is just very knowledgeable and said he is happy to support and it’s a pleasure/ that I will be chief executive etc etc He has said my husband is lucky to have me and his manner/ body language is usually very warm when we meet Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted July 23, 2022 Author Share Posted July 23, 2022 2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Not flirty, not friendly. No one is going to clarify the "logic" of a vacuous text exchange. Folks text throwaway crap like this to dozens of people every day. It's meaningless. The ONLY meaningful bit is that you start this by "teasing" him. As always YOU are on him. He is responding to a married coworker who is reaching out during the workday to TEASE him. How is he supposed to respond to that? You're creating a really messed up, awkward and inappropriate situation. Try leaving him alone and doing your job as if you are a professional in your field. If he wants you, he will come after you. As long as you keep stalking, teasing, flirting, staring, obsessing , etc. he is simply reacting to what you do. What IS meaningful here is the fact that you are in desperate, blatant pursuit during your workday and he STILL has not made any kind of move on you. Any man who wanted a quick grope in the janitor closet would have taken advantage of the opportunity you offer months ago. Think about this. It tells you all you need to know. Isn’t that what we are doing in a roundabout way … we are both deciding to keep meeting with the guise of him helping me as a mentor.. yes we do talk about work issues and he offers a new perspective but we also are meeting up in a pretty intense environment, it feels kind of electric when we are together. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 23, 2022 Share Posted July 23, 2022 14 minutes ago, mark clemson said: We are not seeing the guy, his mannerisms, intonations, etc. Exactly, which why it's impossible to assume 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 23, 2022 Share Posted July 23, 2022 38 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said: them he called me 3 hours later and we spoke for 20 mins whilst he drove home in car Why didn't you take that opportunity to ask HIM what he meant by his statement? For someone who is so sure this man has a crush on you, you are now acting too afraid to talk to him. Does he want to have sex with you or not? Ask him because no one here has a crystal ball and can tell you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted July 23, 2022 Author Share Posted July 23, 2022 Just now, stillafool said: Why didn't you take that opportunity to ask HIM what he meant by his statement? For someone who is so sure this man has a crush on you, you are now acting too afraid to talk to him. Does he want to have sex with you or not? Ask him because no one here has a crystal ball and can tell you. I will ask him on Monday if we get to meet up. I was surprised that he called me as it was a few hours later Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catsclaws00 Posted July 23, 2022 Author Share Posted July 23, 2022 30 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Good that you are seeing the risk issue, it seems pretty major in your particular situation. That is certainly one possibility. There are those in the world who will flirt but never take it past the physical line, and given everything you describe it sounds like perhaps he is one of those. I would suggest you be quite cautious nonetheless. He has a wife , lovely house , very well respected at work, 4 grown up kids and a grandson . A colleague of ours who he is really friendly with out of work and goes away with had an affair with a secretary and it all blew up in his face , he also will have seen things like that happen 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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