Cold Shoulder/Silent Treatment in Engagement

[fawnlawn]

It feels like a lifetime since I've come on here, but at this point I feel like I have nowhere else to turn. Social media is obviously not the place, and I don't have family and friends of my own to turn to. But it seems like a better choice to vent here, than in a physical diary. At least this way there may be one person out there that has something helpful to say or maybe one person out here going through the same thing that will feel less alone. I don't know. I know I can't get in with my therapist any time soon lol

Potentially unrelated ramble: My exclusive to non exclusive back to exclusive again partner and I got engaged, though I feel the important detail is the on/off part. We got together in April 2017 and then in December 2017 he broke up with me. From then until June 2018 we were living together (I was in school & had no family to turn to) and basically did monogamous, exclusive things when ever he was on board (going out, hanging out with friends, etc.). I moved back to my home state and we talked over the phone and text, until I came out for vacation in December of 2018. It was like we had never broken up, things were great, and he told me he didn't want me to leave so I stayed. Despite that, we weren't officially together so it was much of the same non-exclusive label, while also being exclusive in behavior. During this period I asked for couples counseling more than once, because even if we weren't an official couple, we were living as such and our communication was extremely poor. In June 2020 we got back together with an official label and have been together since. I bought us a house, thanks to wonderful community aid, in October. We got engaged in December 2021.

The gap of being together while apart/single but together, he referred to as being independent agents when people asked us if we were together. It felt really bad because I love him, and I wanted to be together not just be together sometimes because he wanted to hold hands or he wanted to take me to a family holiday. The lack of a label seemed to be his way of engaging in the greatness that comes with a relationship while shirking the responsibility of considering my feelings.

The current problem is that since our engagement, we have fought a lot. Things were good for a few weeks and then they just...weren't. I don't want to get too much into the mental health side of things as they may or may not have any bearing, but you guys. I feel so sad right now and that feels silly to say. Diagnosis aside, he has been on an SSRI since mid-2020 and in the beginning of January decided on his own to stop taking it with zero word to me. I felt like this may have been the case because in instances where he has been unable to get a refill, the fights increase in frequency so it does seem to correlate. He disagrees with the diagnosis and for at least a year has talked about wanting a re-evaulation but hasn't gotten one even with encouragement.

Instead of planning for a wedding we've been fighting since mid-January. Initially, because our car died and we were supposed to get a new one. He bought a manual, which I can't drive, and it was a whole big thing because I felt like I wasn't considered but apparently, I wasn't supposed to say that I felt that way and was just supposed to roll with it. I felt like my upset wasn't being heard. I felt like I was made to feel shame for wanting to be considered in milestone moments like buying a car and not just in day to day moments like a back rub when my pain is high. For three days I was ignored when we went to bed and again when he left. No "I love you" or kisses or even a hug. If we talked, we fought, because to him I was mad it was a manual and to me I was sad that I was left out of what I was told was our decision. I went to a hotel on the fourth night. Due to the trauma of being mad at my dad, and not saying I love you the last time we talked before he died, it was really triggering for me to be home and be ignored in this manner. I told him, and the mother of his child, that this cold shoulder was a manner of withholding often used to manipulate and control. He made an appointment for couples counseling (finally) and texted me the next morning and we talked, and things were looking like they were actually going to be okay. We talked about the cold shoulder/withholding later that day and he said it wasn't his intention to do so.

Our first appointment was three weeks ago come Monday. We left and argued right after, because even still, I couldn't seem to communicate my hurt with the car in a way that he could understand. Between then and now, I'm not sure if there are more or less days that were argument days. I even called my mom on one of them, and surprisingly he listened to our conversation and seemed to drop it. (Made a broad statement, and when I carried on the conversation he accused me of invalidating his personal experience despite the statement not being about his experience.) But then the next day we argued again.

Fast forward to now, probably more rambling: Our appointment Monday was pretty cool, and it felt like it was a good day overall for us. I don't think we argued that day, however, things are such a blur with my pain lately + the fighting that we may have. Wednesday his friend came over, and he made a rude comment to me about how talkative I was while they played a video game...it hurt my feelings so I did tell him it was just a game and wasn't that deep. He started mumbling under his breath and then said "Never mind, I love you baby" pretty sarcastically. I tried to laugh it off and was just like "Oh yeah, gonna swallow that sh*t talking you were about to do. Good." Later that night he apologized for how he treated me, saying he was dying in the game, and that he shouldn't have let that happen. I apologized and said that I shouldn't have been rude, and said that I would work on not lashing out when I feel like he's being rude. Within 20 minutes we got home and he was telling me that I "bully him" in front of his friend...

We had a mild argument, and just took space away from each other. We went to bed and while it was a little strained, we had our goodnight kiss and our "I love you" and then yesterday we texted all day while he was at work, things seemed to be normal.

And then he got home. Walked right by me to put his phone down, which is abnormal. Typically I get a hug and a kiss. I asked him how he was doing, he said he was good, and when he asked me it sounded very forced. I said I was alright, and he said he was going to the bathroom. He came back out and didn't hug or kiss me then either, which is abnormal because if it's not the first thing he does then it's the second. He was telling me about how a co-worker was mad at him, and things were just very awkward overall. He was telling me that his boss said the co-worker "had some things going on at home" and "it was in the air," and I guess they were talking about his home experience... I tried to carry on the conversation but it felt like I had done something wrong and like he was talking at me and not to me. I told him things felt awkward and as I was pointing out that he didn't give me a kiss or anything, asking if something was wrong, he had begun talking over me asking me what I was thinking for dinner and if I had eaten during the day.

The cold shoulder: I pointed out that he didn't answer me. He said he knew, and that we needed to talk but that he wasn't willing to talk to me until we saw our therapist Monday (Valentine's Day! Cuz...that's how I want to spend our first engaged Valentine's Day...). To which I had begun crying and disclosed that it felt like I was being ignored and that he was mad, so telling me that he doesn't want to talk to me about the apparent issue until Monday and is aware that he's ignoring me hurts. He said he didn't want to kiss me and be physically affectionate when he felt these things, and that if I wanted a kiss he would give me one but not because he wanted to... It didn't go anywhere, he left to his friend's house.

The mother of his child talked with me and said he was going to come inside to talk to me. This isn't the first time he's told her that but then not talked to me. Apparently, when I heard a noise, it was him in the driveway talking to her and when I looked out the window, he decided to leave instead of following through the plan they came up with. She went on to tell me I'm being mentally abused, but that I'm also being mentally abusive. (Mutual abuse isn't an actual thing, however, so that felt very victim-blaming and ultimately unhelpful.)

He came home around 4 hours later and wordlessly left again. He came back with dog food, he took a shower, and then he came to bed. He sat up on his phone for a while watching YouTube, and eventually just put a long video on under the pillow to fall asleep to. He said goodnight and that he hoped I felt better in the morning but there was no kiss, and certainly no I love you. He cuddled right up to me after an hour or so, and he stayed cuddled throughout the night. He cuddled closer after his morning alarms went off, and when he wanted to roll over I would cuddle up to him.

Then his final alarm went off and he got out of bed with no kiss, actively avoided looking at me, and went to get ready for work. He came back and patted me on the foot with a "sleep good baby" and not his usual kiss, I love you, and hug. I cried because it's so clear I'm being given the cold shoulder again. It's so clear he doesn't want to talk. My normal "good morning" texts never rolled through, so I didn't text him either because I already know how that goes. Out of the blue he calls me on lunch asking how I'm doing... (Is it not obvious?) and I tell him I'm doing alright and ask him how he's doing. He said "I'm doing good, just trying to keep to myself if you didn't notice." and when I said that it was clear, but that I couldn't make him talk to me if he didn't want to, he said "That's right, you can't make me talk to you if I don't want to."

That felt rude. That felt passive-aggressive. That felt like a show of control.

To me, there was no point in that call if he's going to run out and grab food for co-workers but not me. There was nothing said on that call that made me feel loved or wanted or cared about. It felt like he was calling out of obligation, like you do when you leave a child home to watch their younger sibling and want to make sure no emergencies came up.

Question: What do you do when you're being given the cold shoulder like this? Is it okay to give someone the cold shoulder like this?

It feels very different to get the cold shoulder from someone I am engaged to, own a house with, and sleep in the same bed with vs from my sister who lives in another state or a friend I only see once in a while. We are 25f and 31m, so this cold shoulder thing also feels very childish and like it's just a way to push me over the edge and get me to say "I'm done" instead of 1. calling things off or 2. working on things together like adults who love each other should.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, fawnlawn said:

I bought us a house, thanks to wonderful community aid, in October. , he has been on an SSRI since mid-2020 and in the beginning of January decided on his own to stop taking it with zero word to me. He bought a manual, which I can't drive,each other should.

Is the house in your name? Does he pay rent or toward the mortgage?

Do you only have one car? You drive your car, he drives his that's a nonissue. However the house is a major issue.

As far as his nasty personality and untreated mood disorders and chronic discord and breakups, it would be a nightmare to get married and the legal problems you'll have.

Live together as long as you want to and can stand it. But do not comingle assets or finances or legally marry.

[fawnlawn]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is the house in your name? Does he pay rent or toward the mortgage?

Do you only have one car? You drive your car, he drives his that's a nonissue. However the house is a major issue.

As far as his nasty personality and untreated mood disorders and chronic discord and breakups, it would be a nightmare to get married and the legal problems you'll have.

Live together as long as you want to and can stand it. But do not comingle assets or finances or legally marry.

Thank you so very much for your response, and reading my rambling lol I say "lol" but honestly I'm crying because I feel so alone and unheard in this, and you, a stranger, chose to hear me out.

– The house is in both of our names, though I do have a paper trail of the fact that I paid in full for it. His mom started renting 10 years ago and he took over when she passed, so being that our relationship is what it was, to ease us both it seemed fair to put both of our names on it

– We only have one car, that's why it was upsetting when it died & he said we were replacing it, but then replaced it with one I couldn't drive. Initially we planned to get a second car that could go longer distances as the main car, but this one giving out was unexpected.

– "Nasty personality" and "untreated mood disorders" definitely caught me by surprise – SSRI's are primarily used for depression, and without even mentioning the disorder or that it is a mood disorder, you know something is up. The fact that it's clear to you definitely makes me feel validated because often I end up feeling crazy and like I should have just not spoken up for myself/just kept my comments to myself even if he doesn't. He spins it that there's nothing wrong with him, and it's me being too sensitive.

– At this point, we have one joint bank account with $60 in it and the house in our names. I'm not too concerned with the joint account, I file all my taxes separately and have my own bank accounts. The house is a concern though. This was a gift for me and my family, and he is the family I chose so I chose to buy us the house before the landlord sold it to someone else. Yet due to the ties he has with the house itself, he seems to feel entitled to the house despite it being a gift...for me, that I chose to benefit us. Like he invalidates the fact that I purchased it because it was with gifted money. I can see this being a major issue should he decide after his cold shoulder that he wants to split.

[introverted1]

On 2/11/2022 at 3:14 PM, fawnlawn said:

I told him, and the mother of his child,

What is his relationship with the mother of his child?  Does the child live with you for part of the week?

What is the pain you keep referring to?  Is he your caretaker/support system for a chronic condition on your part?

As for the car, is there a reason why you can't learn to drive a manual?

Given all the issues you've laid out, what led you to accept a proposal from this man? You don't seem stable enough to be getting engaged, let alone married.

Your biggest issue will be the house.  Suggest you speak to a lawyer about that if your plan is to split.

[SingFish]

I know you are feeling sad and unheard somewhat @fawnlawn but my first move would have been to say how annoying but simply learn to drive the shift stick car. Empower yourself and all that. That will benefit you in or out of a relationship. 

 

[glows]

Marriage isn’t a good idea. Know that you might have agreed to an engagement and living together hoping for more love and affection but he seems to have severe issues in closer relationships. At the start you already appeared uneasy and this was on/off. 

How long was he divorced before he met you or was he previously married? Any commitment issues he has and insecurities are lashing out at you because he hasn’t come to terms with them. As an outsider he seems controlling, incredibly insecure and not at all able to sustain a long term relationship. 

Why his ex has to act as a referee or a go-between in your relationship is a bit confusing. He’s a grown man requiring someone else to speak for him. And not only that, manipulated your expectations in a myriad of ways doing the opposite. I think he does this to gain an upper hand and constantly seek to destabilize you. 

Kick him out of your house and get rid of this person. You seem to have very good insight and understanding of why you feel the way you feel but you’re continuing on this path. Try changing that. Permanently.

[ShyViolet]

I hope you're not still considering marrying this guy.  You seem like a smart person.  You don't marry someone when the relationship has this many problems.  Please, don't lose your self-respect.  It sounds like this guy treats you pretty badly and is an all-around not very good partner.  I'm not sure why you're putting up with all this.

It was an extremely unwise decision to put his name on a house that you entirely paid for.  I'm not sure what to tell you about that.

[Wiseman2]

On 2/11/2022 at 5:17 PM, fawnlawn said:

 SSRI's are primarily used for depression, and without even mentioning the disorder or that it is a mood disorder, you know something is up. 

Is he in treatment?. Since the house is yours  and he's this chaotic and abusive, start researching ways to get him out of the house.

Do not marry someone this unstable and chaotic. Do not be coerced into giving him 1/2 the house.

This seems more like an abusive relationship than anything else.

[BaileyB]

I would not marry a man when there are these kinds of problems and I’m feeling this unhappy. Sorry.