T1104 Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 (edited) We met at work and became close around 12 years ago. We worked so well together and were a solid team and force to be wreckoned with. We achieved so much professionally and realized we had so much of the same passion, drive & heart. We fell in love. We kept growing closer and became intimate. We were acting as if we were dating and together in every way, except we would go back to our spouses. It became too much, I wanted to be with him truly and I was never in a good place with my current husband (he was angry, agressive and had some abusive behaviors to me) I tried to stay for the kids but it became too much and he and I agreed to divorce. The man I loved and who truly loved me, was still married and had every intention of being with me. He was worried about his relationship with his teenage son. He told his spouse that he would stay for only a period of time for his son, she didn’t treat their child well. It has been 4 years and he hasn’t committed fully to me yet. I am so sad and so lonely and he said please don’t give up, his son is almost 17, but I am so incredibly miserable. We had an argument and we haven’t spoken in over a month. I feel like I should just leave him alone until he decides to do this right with me and can love me properly. This is so painful but I can’t and don’t want to imagine life without him. I also don’t want to feel bad. Please help Edited February 13, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator clarify title Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 Well the good news is his son is 17 so will be off to college this fall. When is he planning to file for divorce? If he hasn't told you he's filing for divorce soon it's doubtful he ever was planning to. He isn't stayinig for his son but for his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 32 minutes ago, tc888 said: except we would go back to our spouses.. I was never in a good place with my current husband. I agreed to divorce. . It has been 4 years and he hasn’t committed fully to me yet. I am so sad and so lonely Sorry this happened. It's good you divorced your abusive husband. Do not wait around for this and accept the headaches, heartaches and loneliness being with someone who is married gives you. Do you still work together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author T1104 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 No we haven’t worked together in 3 years. In some ways We’ve grown closer over the years, but it has been very difficult at other times. His wife and son know about me. She kind of accepts some of this, however has never wanted her reputation tarnished. He is unsure how his son really feels about his decision, some days he seems supportive some days he seems as though he wishes his parents stayed together. My whole family has met him… He is devastated and doesn’t want a life without me, but doesn’t know how to move forward. I just feel like he has to make a choice and I should give him time and space to do so (although it’s the last thing either of us have ever wanted) Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, T1104 said: I just feel like he has to make a choice and I should give him time and space to do so This is exactly what I would do. He needs to make this decision and if he does not chose to divorce and be with you legitimately - it was never meant to be as he was never really yours to have. If his son is 17 and they both know about you - it must be bloody miserable for everyone. Either he choses to stay or he choses to leave - this one foot in the door and one foot out the door is hurting everyone. I couldn’t participate in this one more day. Edited February 13, 2022 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 3 hours ago, T1104 said: He is unsure how his son really feels about his decision, some days he seems supportive some days he seems as though he wishes his parents stayed together. I would expect the road ahead to be pretty rocky… It’s one thing to know about you. It’s another to accept that your parents are going to divorce and to be mature enough to want your parents to find happiness - even if that means in another relationship. It’s another thing entirely to accept the woman who has been involved with your father and contributed to the demise of your nuclear family. That will take a long time for this young man to accept - if he ever does. I would caution that teens and young adults seem to have the most difficulty accepting these kind of situations. I would think that the road ahead will be very rocky indeed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 3 hours ago, T1104 said: No we haven’t worked together in 3 years. In some ways We’ve grown closer over the years, but it has been very difficult at other times. His wife and son know about me. She kind of accepts some of this, however has never wanted her reputation tarnished. He is unsure how his son really feels about his decision, some days he seems supportive some days he seems as though he wishes his parents stayed together. My whole family has met him… He is devastated and doesn’t want a life without me, but doesn’t know how to move forward. I just feel like he has to make a choice and I should give him time and space to do so (although it’s the last thing either of us have ever wanted) If his wife "kind of accepts it" why doesn't he tell her the full truth that he's in love with you and file for divorce? Especially if his son is half supportive of your affair. Nothing is hidden from the wife or the son. I don't understand why MM's wife's reputation would be tarnished as she's done nothing. The only one whose reputation will be tarnished is yours. If he is truly devastated to lose you there isn't much holding him back from being with you except himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 13 hours ago, T1104 said: His wife and son know about me. he seems as though he wishes his parents stayed together. Is this hearsay? Meaning he told his wife about the affair? Does his family think you're a "friend"/coworker? Why is he discussing his affair with his son,? That makes no sense. He's married and deciding to keep it that way. Try to move forward in peace. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 37 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Is this hearsay? Meaning he told his wife about the affair? Does his family think you're a "friend"/coworker? Why is he discussing his affair with his son,? That makes no sense. I have to agree. This is all rather bizarre. How much of this were you actually able to verify, OP? (And I mean beyond him simply telling you these things, as that's not sufficient) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hgm1920 Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 I am so sorry that you are going through this. I understand the pain of loving a man who sleeps with another woman at night... it is a pain which no one should go through... it hurts alot and if the man loves you he wont see you suffer that pain... Does he have a plan / timeline about the divorce? Did he try to contact you during this month of no talking? Or Is it over for him? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 3 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: it hurts alot and if the man loves you he wont see you suffer that pain... No, if you love yourself you will not get involved with someone else's husband and subject yourself to that pain. You need to change your mindset. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bubble_20 Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: Edited February 13, 2022 by Bubble_20 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 14, 2022 Share Posted February 14, 2022 (edited) I’d give him a deadline to file for divorce or you end things. Make the deadline soon so you know the answer. He’s had years to consider it. He either will or he won’t. Most likely he won’t divorce her. if he’s not divorcing then you need to start dating available men. you do this for your best interest, no one else. Edited February 14, 2022 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 14, 2022 Share Posted February 14, 2022 Despite his protestations regarding wanting to be with you. He is obviously quite content with how things are. I believe you are on a hiding to nothing. Had he truly wanted to leave he would have left already. It is now decision time for you. Can you be his #2 long-term or do you want to walk away? I do not believe there is any chance of this relationship converting into a monogamous and serious one. He has the best of both worlds. Why would he really want to change that? I guess, his 'confusion' and dilly-dallying are solely for your benefit... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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