Need some perspective from others who've been in affairs

[Lost1234]

I need some perspective from other people who've gone through this, other MM and AP.

I fell in love with a MM. I'm a MW. We were together for 1.5 years. And finally, finally, I think I have ended things with him. It's been about 1 week since we ended things. We have broken up multiple times in the past, but this time, I feel like it's really over. Basically, he got ragingly jealous about something and I realized that he often would express jealousy about people I work with and am friends with or activities, so much so that I stopped doing things that would make him feel this way. 

So, I'm wondering some things:

1. Is intense jealousy and possessiveness present always in these relationships? 

2. Each time we break up, at some point I find myself forgiving all sorts of things I normally wouldn't. I feel like that person who keeps doing the same thing and expecting different results, like I've gone insane. Other relationships don't seem this difficult to end. What is going on? 

3. Sometimes I catch myself wanting to contact him just to see if he has forgotten me, like I need him to reassure me that what we experienced together was real. What are some thoughts OW/OM/MW/MM have had that makes them suddenly contact their AP even when they know it's not going to work out? What helped you to stop reviving this relationship? 

4. I obsessively think about him/us and can't seem to get him out of my head. It's been slightly better since we ended a week a go, but I'm afraid these thoughts have not gone away. [ ]  Do these thoughts end? I am in counseling, and it has made me stronger to get to this point. 

 

thanks in advance

 

Edited February 13, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[JulieD]

3 hours ago, Lost1234 said:

I need some perspective from other people who've gone through this, other MM and AP.

I fell in love with a MM. I'm a MW. We were together for 1.5 years. And finally, finally, I think I have ended things with him. It's been about 1 week since we ended things. We have broken up multiple times in the past, but this time, I feel like it's really over. Basically, he got ragingly jealous about something and I realized that he often would express jealousy about people I work with and am friends with or activities, so much so that I stopped doing things that would make him feel this way. 

So, I'm wondering some things:

1. Is intense jealousy and possessiveness present always in these relationships? 

2. Each time we break up, at some point I find myself forgiving all sorts of things I normally wouldn't. I feel like that person who keeps doing the same thing and expecting different results, like I've gone insane. Other relationships don't seem this difficult to end. What is going on? 

3. Sometimes I catch myself wanting to contact him just to see if he has forgotten me, like I need him to reassure me that what we experienced together was real. What are some thoughts OW/OM/MW/MM have had that makes them suddenly contact their AP even when they know it's not going to work out? What helped you to stop reviving this relationship? 

4. I obsessively think about him/us and can't seem to get him out of my head. It's been slightly better since we ended a week a go, but I'm afraid these thoughts have not gone away. [ ]  Do these thoughts end? I am in counseling, and it has made me stronger to get to this point. 

 

thanks in advance

 

Hi!  Your situation sounds a lot like mine.  2.5 year affair - both married.  We needed for good in December so exactly 8 weeks ago.  Honestly some days are really easy and then other days I miss him so much.   Like you I would find myself forgiving things I shouldn’t have, ignoring all red flags (and there was a lot).  Even now I don’t know what I would do if he reached out.  After 8 weeks I still can’t believe it is really over.  All I can tell you is from my experience. I was always the first to reach out and contact him.  I had to know he was feeling the same way I was.   He would tell me what i wanted to hear, everything would be great for a couple of days and then my doubts would start back again.   I was all in and wanted to move forward.  He said he did, was found out 3 times but never took any steps.  Now I keep reminding myself that I am better than this and do I really want to be that person with no self respect.  He knew, may even know now that I will always be there and I hate that feeling.    Not sure if this helps, hang in there, stay strong, keep busy and keep telling yourself why you it ended.  

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Lost1234 said:

Is intense jealousy and possessiveness present always in these relationships? 

Each time we break up, at some point I find myself forgiving all sorts of things I normally wouldn't. 

I obsessively think about him/us and can't seem to get him out of my head. 

You must realize that these things are very unhealthy behaviors in any relationship - affair or not.

[Lost1234]

thanks, @JulieD for your post. I feel the same way. Each time I reached back out to him or he reached back out to me to apologize, I'd just feel so relieved to hear from him again. I think I didn't like feeling like I was at fault for ending things. That was a part of it. Like, maybe I had overreacted or misunderstood something he did and I wanted to work on better communication. I think the feeling that he was my best friend for this time period makes it so hard to let go. So, like you, I have to remind myself that I'm better than this and don't want to be in the same place I was a year from now. This last Christmas everything felt so awful because we did not spend it together, of course. What were some red flags that you saw with your AP?

 @BaileyB Yeah,  I'm seeing that these are not really healthy behaviors. Just that when in the thick of it all, that's what was happening to my head and to his head. I don't really understand how it even got that way because in the beginning, it wasn't at all. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Lost1234 said:

. Is intense jealousy and possessiveness present always in these relationships?

It's a sign of an abusive controlling personality. 

How is your marriage? You seem to be escaping problems there as well.

Two horrible relationships doesn't help you. Step back.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss any issues regarding anxiety or depression. 

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Privately and confidentiality discuss your bad marriage and abusive affair. 

Get assistance in getting out of bad situations. 

People who get in bad situations are often in dark places in their lives. Review that with a therapist.

Edited February 13, 2022 by Wiseman2

[JulieD]

8 hours ago, Lost1234 said:

thanks, @JulieD for your post. I feel the same way. Each time I reached back out to him or he reached back out to me to apologize, I'd just feel so relieved to hear from him again. I think I didn't like feeling like I was at fault for ending things. That was a part of it. Like, maybe I had overreacted or misunderstood something he did and I wanted to work on better communication. I think the feeling that he was my best friend for this time period makes it so hard to let go. So, like you, I have to remind myself that I'm better than this and don't want to be in the same place I was a year from now. This last Christmas everything felt so awful because we did not spend it together, of course. What were some red flags that you saw with your AP?

 @BaileyB Yeah,  I'm seeing that these are not really healthy behaviors. Just that when in the thick of it all, that's what was happening to my head and to his head. I don't really understand how it even got that way because in the beginning, it wasn't at all. 

I was all in.  I caught him in so many lies.  He would then lie to I get those up.  And stupidly, I believed him. I guess not necessarily believed cause I knew they were lies, but ignored them and didn’t care.  Even now I miss him every day and not sure if I am strong enough if he would reach out.  I sound so pathetic and never thought I would be like this.  He told me what I wanted to hear.  He was caught 3 times and always told me they were getting the house ready to sale.  After a year it became apparent he was never leaving.  Yet I still stayed.  We ended because she found out a 3rd time and he told me to never contact him again.  I struggle with the why’s so much.  Why didn’t he just tell me after the first time he wanted to stay.  I asked so many times why he wanted both.  

[Prudence V]

15 hours ago, Lost1234 said:

1. Is intense jealousy and possessiveness present always in these relationships? 

No. 
 

As you are a MW, I’m wondering whether your H is the same (indicating a potential pattern on your side, with you drawn to jealous, possessive types) or the opposite (with you misreading the jealousy / possessiveness of MM as some kind of positive - investment? Interest? - that made him attractive in an area your H wasn’t.)

 

15 hours ago, Lost1234 said:

2. Each time we break up, at some point I find myself forgiving all sorts of things I normally wouldn't. I feel like that person who keeps doing the same thing and expecting different results, like I've gone insane. Other relationships don't seem this difficult to end. What is going on? 

Your sense of self / self esteem / value system is being eroded. This happens in an abusive relationship. You need to close the door on this before it is too late. 
 

15 hours ago, Lost1234 said:

3. Sometimes I catch myself wanting to contact him just to see if he has forgotten me, like I need him to reassure me that what we experienced together was real. What are some thoughts OW/OM/MW/MM have had that makes them suddenly contact their AP even when they know it's not going to work out? What helped you to stop reviving this relationship? 

This didn’t apply in my case, as our R did “work out”; but in this case it sounds as if his abuse has left you craving his approval / acknowledgment, in the absence of faith in your own perceptions. IDK what your M is like, and whether similar dynamics are at play there, but this sort of behaviour is going to put you at risk of further abuse. Please stick with your counselling. You need to protect yourself. 
 

 

15 hours ago, Lost1234 said:

4. I obsessively think about him/us and can't seem to get him out of my head. It's been slightly better since we ended a week a go, but I'm afraid these thoughts have not gone away. [ ]  Do these thoughts end? I am in counseling, and it has made me stronger to get to this point. 

With time, and with the help of your counsellor, you should be able to reframe your understanding of the R and the unhealthy patterns you became attached to. It’s early days yet - keep strong. 

[Lost1234]

I'm not entirely sure, but this relationship felt really comfortable and good. I know that sounds weird. I was also jealous and possessive. I think maybe that's part of my definition of love, which sounds messed up when I say this. But, it didn't feel wrong. I still have a hard time seeing it as abusive, though, logically, I see what you're all saying. It just didn't (and somewhat still doesn't) feel that way. It wasn't until last week that I saw that maybe something wasn't quite right. It was when he point blank accused me of wanting to be with someone else when I had never given him any indication that I was interested in anyone else. Then, I thought back to other times when he would say that he would get jealous and would subtly put down people in my life and I would slowly withdraw to spend most of my time with just him. Yet, I understand that feeling because I also liked spending all my time with him. 

I tend to get into really intense relationships, both romantic and platonic. So, I've been seeing a therapist about how to change my behaviors. It's just I felt so very intensely drawn to him. 

My marriage is not good. It's not been good for awhile, and we stay together for now for the kids and financials. My H and I just live together as roommates and I find no attraction for him at all. 

I know this all is unhealthy. So, that's why we ended things and are keeping things strictly professional. I do have to work with him still for the time being. I've blocked him from messaging me. And, I hit delete when he sends me an email, keep things professional at work. This time feels different. I think he has moved on as well because he's convinced himself that I'm out to see other men.

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, Lost1234 said:

Then, I thought back to other times when he would say that he would get jealous and would subtly put down people in my life and I would slowly withdraw to spend most of my time with just him.

Many people confuse jealousy with love. In truth - jealousy could not be further from love. Love is not possessive, controlling, or manipulative. 

Kindly, this is classic emotional abuse. Isolation is a common tactic used by many abusers. The fact that he casts doubt and puts down people in your life - thus prompting you to withdraw from others and become more dependent on him. 

Prudence hit the nail right on the head - your sense of self / self confidence / values are being eroded in subtle ways - you don’t even realize that it’s happening. All the while, you are becoming increasing isolated from other people and more reliant on this man - it’s a toxic combination that results in a very unhealthy attachment to this abusive man/relationship. 

Edited February 13, 2022 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

On 2/12/2022 at 3:34 PM, Lost1234 said:

I obsessively think about him/us and can't seem to get him out of my head. It's been slightly better since we ended a week a go, but I'm afraid these thoughts have not gone away. [ ]  Do these thoughts end? I am in counseling, and it has made me stronger to get to this point.

I'm not sure what's "normal" but I think you should research limerence as that may be what you have. It's a genuine altered state of consciousness, somewhat similar to addiction and OCD. It should go away on it's own but this takes time (months and sometimes years) as it involves neuronal changes (reduced dopamine receptors) and your brain will change "at it's own pace" which is almost always longer than we'd like. 

Making contact with him genuinely impossible MAY help, but that's not always realistic. It's hard to "fool your own brain" about whether contact is (truly) impossible + this is not guaranteed to work anyhow.

Things such as exercise, time spent socializing, spending time outside, and significant distractions may help, but they mostly just take the edge off until your brain changes "back to normal". Building a "new identity" that doesn't involve this person, e.g. by taking up a significant new hobby or other gratifying activity may similarly help somewhat. It might be a good time to revisit some of your favorite extended TV series...

[FMW]

Affairs are very intense due to the lack of emotional security (enter jealousy and the trigger for possessiveness) and the "danger" of being found out (having a secret just between the two of you).  It's an artificially highly charged situation.  Real relationships between people who are both available, emotionally and physically, can't match that "high".  That makes affairs addictive and very hard to leave behind.  But it absolutely can be done, it just takes persistence and commitment to doing so.  

An important part of being able to let go is becoming emotionally healthy yourself.  When your head and heart are where they should be, an affair won't hold any attraction or power over you.  That's where your effort should be.  It will probably be very difficult if you choose to remain married for reasons other than your relationship with your husband.  Children usually are aware of their parents' unhappy marriages, you're not necessarily doing them any favor.  And holding on to money and other assets isn't worth your emotional well-being.  

[Lost1234]

Yes, I think all these are true. I think I'm in limerence. And, definitely not in an emotionally healthy place and don't know that I ever have been, exactly. It's funny how you realize what is normal to you all your life might not actually be what is healthy at all, just something you're used to, like you don't know what you don't know that you don't know. Today feels good. I'm staying productive. My mind does wander to him a lot still and I wish it would stop. Yesterday I thought I was doing great. I blocked out everything and went about my day. then it all came crashing down at night. Still, this is preferable to continuing in a relationship that was not going anywhere. 

I keep reminding myself that I don't want to be in this same place next year. And I need to stop caring about what he thinks of me or how he perceives me. 

And, you're right, finances and all don't really amount to a hill of beans when everything else is so miserable. So, I'm moving forward. This relationship was a mistake, but so is staying married. Now, for action. No more overthinking. No more dwelling. Just action.

[BaileyB]

40 minutes ago, Lost1234 said:

Now, for action.

The other thing about an affair is that it is often a coping strategy. Unhappy in your marriage, unhappy with life - enter affair partner and you have both a distraction and a new coping strategy. 

If your affair has ended, you unhappy marriage and stress/dissatisfaction with life remain - your mind wanders back to your affair partner because that has been your coping strategy of choice. It’s important to develop some new coping strategies - ways to deal with those lonely or stressful moments when you would typically be reaching out to your affair partner. 

I think you will find once you make a decision about your marriage and get yourself on a happier and healthier path - your need for your affair partner will disappear. But, in the meantime, when your mind wanders to him just let it happen - don’t feel badly, it is bound to happen. But remember, thoughts and feelings come and they go - they don’t require any action. Have a plan, after you acknowledge the thought - turn your attention to something else. In time, you will think of him less and you will have a different focus. 

[Lost1234]

Thanks @BaileyB. These are wise words. I need to stop thinking of him as if we were a real thing. He was my coping mechanism and I was his. And, I don't want someone to be a coping mechanism for life and I don't want to be someone's coping mechanism. When I think about it that way, that's really a terrible thing. It's not a good relationship at all. I'll remind myself of this when I feel not so strong. Today is a good day. Cheers!

[Lost1234]

so uh i'm so weak. he's like a drug. even with all my logic in place and all that, we're talking again. it was so painful not hearing from him that i gave in. we haven't seen each other in person, but i'm starting to feel that awful obsessive quality again. i keep thinking how i need to end it but then it's just such a relief to hear from him again that i don't want to stop talking to him. i feel like so stupid at this point. i really thought i could just white knuckle this. i don't even think he's been emotionally abusive. what am i not seeing?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Lost1234 said:

. what am i not seeing?

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

What you're "not seeing" is whatever marital and personal unhappiness and problems you have, you erroneously believe some cheating snake can fix for you.

Once you reflect and clear up your health and your life, this dark place will go away.

[anika99]

I don't think jealousy and possessiveness are specific to affairs. Years ago I was with a man like that and it wasn't an affair. It started out being very mild and I thought it was sweet and cute. Then he started expressing his jealousy in a more angry way and I started to adjust my behavior and curtail my activities to appease him. By the time I realized that I was having a very unhealthy and troubled relationship it was even harder to get out of because I had given up so much of myself and my life for him. It's like I couldn't see the point of ending it because I didn't have anything else in my life anyways. I met him at a time that I was starved for love and affection and I lapped up his attention without realizing that it wasn't normal. I thought I was special but in the years since that relationship ended I have spoken to other women he had been involved with (both before he met me and after we split) and guess what? He treated them all exactly like he treated me. I wasn't special to him, it was never about me at all. It was just his need to control and manipulate every woman he met. Came to find out that he had a full blown diagnosed personality disorder. Borderline personality disorder to be specific, with overlapping narcissistic tendencies. 

These kinds of relationships are never about love. The controlling jealous angry person doesn't really love anyone, they are too focused on  filling their own bottomless pits. Everything is about their needs, their feelings. They never think about how their behavior is negatively impacting their partner because they don't care. All that matters to them is how they feel and what they want. That is NOT love.  

[Lost1234]

@anika99  What he says seems rational afterward when we talk about what happened, and i do think he has my best interests at heart, like he's being protective of me and watching out for me, but then after a bit, he gets really jealous about other things and i keep thinking maybe i triggered this. we both end up apologizing and then go back into whatever this is. we can't ever seem to get to a stable point where this doesn't happen. 

I fear maybe he is the same as your ex as you describe above. it's sometimes hard to see or believe. and difficult to end. i'm having trouble ending things. a large part of me doesn't want to end things because of the inevitable pain and it feels better to not have that pain. it feels better when he's in my life, until the next time. the pain of ending things was really terrible. 

part of it too is he's been so much a part of my life and someone who knows me so intimately i find it hard to think he could hurt me intentionally.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Lost1234 said:

@anika99  What he says seems rational afterward when we talk about what happened, and i do think he has my best interests at heart, like he's being protective of me and watching out for me

If he was genuinely protective, watching out for you and has your best interests at heart, he would not be stringing you along in this affair. Likewise, he would have respected your request to end it.

His behaviour is nothing more than self serving manipulation.  

[anika99]

On 2/12/2022 at 4:34 PM, Lost1234 said:

Basically, he got ragingly jealous about something and I realized that he often would express jealousy about people I work with and am friends with or activities, so much so that I stopped doing things that would make him feel this way. 

How exactly is this having your best interest in mind? You are changing yourself and the things you do to keep him happy. And on top of everything he's married! You're giving up your life for half a man and half of a relationship. I understand how hard it is to end a toxic addictive relationship. No matter how awful things get the pain of leaving seems unbearable. I guess you will just have to suck up his abusive behavior until the pain of staying outweighs the pain of ending it. This will end at some point. one way or the other, so I would recommend that you start therapy now cause you're going to need it. 

[BaileyB]

On 2/27/2022 at 4:31 PM, Lost1234 said:

a large part of me doesn't want to end things because of the inevitable pain and it feels better to not have that pain.

Better to suffer the short term pain of ending the relationship than to continue the ups and downs of this unhealthy relationship and/or look back years later and regret the time you wasted that could have been better spent in a healthy relationship with a man that truly loves you. 

It wouldn’t be much of a decision for me at all. The cost of staying in this relationship - the conflict, the uncertainty, the anxiety, the self doubt, the damage to your self confidence and self esteem, the fact that you can’t really build a life with the man because he is committed to another - would far outweigh the benefit of having him in your life. 

[Lost1234]

I'm trying to reframe things and spend less time with him. Slowly distancing seems to help. I think I'm at the point where I can end it now. I am seeing now how he doesn't commit to anything and I was a fool for believing that he would commit to me one day. I'm not even sad about it at this point. I feel like my i've been dragged through the mud and now i just feel dead inside. I don't even have any emotions today. i realize that i had put too much of myself into this relationship due to isolation, loneliness, also feeling like life was meaningless. i still feel life is meaningless.

i haven't yet ended it. we're still "friends" but i need to do it and just let it all go. all these things you've pointed out to me, they're unhealthy and i don't know how i became so dependent on him.