All my possessions remind me of her - 5 year relationship break-up

[bjobrien]

It's been one week since my long-term ex and I broke up after 4 good years and 1 very mediocre one. 95% of all my clothes, from jackets, jewellery, t-shirts, gym shoes, pyjamas; were either gifts from her or purchased with my ex. My whole wardrobe is a trigger to good memories, her generosity and of the good parts of our relationship. What can I do about this?

I'm doing everything I can to give me a fresh-start and a clear head. I can't afford to replace my whole wardrobe, but after being together for so long and living together for 4 years, I have so many possessions and items that make me think of her. Any advice would be great, particularly from people that have also come out of a very long relationship and have also experienced this. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, bjobrien said:

 living together for 4 years, I have so many possessions and items that make me think of her. 

Sorry this happened.  What was the breakup about? Who moved out? Why was she buying you all this stuff?

It's still too fresh. The clothing are just clothing. In time they'll be more neutral. If certain items bother you, give them to charity.

[bjobrien]

I decided to move out but we stayed together and were seeing each other on weekends for the past 7-months. We started to grow apart, we're from different cultures, her family made my life difficult, she never had my back on this. I was also sacrificing too much, I wanted to move out of London and she refused. I said I would live anywhere in the world apart from London and for her it was the only place she wanted to live. 

All this stuff was an accumulation of gifts from birthdays, Christmas, valentines days etc. Thanks for the advice. I've already given away some key items, but now I look at all my possessions and think "wow, literally everything here is stuff I bought with you on this or that day, or stuff that you bought me as a gift on this day"

[ExpatInItaly]

I've been through this, especially after the break-up of two relationships in which I lived with my exes. 

It gets easier the further away you get from the break-up. It's only been a week so those reminders everywhere sting a lot. But in my experience, as you slowly accept that it's over, it stings less and you stop associating these items with the relationship as often. 

Replace what you can, and trust that time will help with the rest. 

[bjobrien]

Thank you, that's great advice. I really appreciate that  

[glows]

I donated a lot of items, many of which I realized weren’t to my taste and concessions I’d made or compromises during the relationship because the other person was very strict about certain aesthetics but also very materialistic. It was a tremendous amount of junk which I had no use for at all. It was also a stark indicator of just how many compromises I made during the relationship as many of the items bore no reflection on me as an individual person at all. The practice of removing and donating many items was freeing.

I suggest you don’t make any decisions in haste as it’s only been a week since the break up. In the coming weeks take your time and go through the items, donate what you no longer like or want and replace.

The meaning behind them fades in time. In my case, I truly could not be bothered with most of those items as I said they bore no reflection on me, my tastes or interests. 

[bjobrien]

After a 4.5 year relationship, we broke up last week amicably due to cultural issues and we no longer loved each other. One week after no contact, she calls me, saying how she wants to work it through with a relationship therapist. I said, what's the point if you're not willing to make any changes. She just wanted the therapist session for her closure and to hear it from an 'expert' that we should end it if she wasn't willing to make any changes. I feel like I already have closure because I was the one making all the sacrifices and I could no longer do this. 

I'm slightly angry as I was feeling good after one-week and I'm kind of back to square one. We were very close and lived together for 3.5 years too. After the above, I'm tempted to cut her off now and block so she cannot contact me to give me false hope such as the above. What do you think, cut her off or remain in contact in case she does realise she wants to change? 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, bjobrien said:

we broke up last week amicably due to cultural issues and we no longer loved each other. 

What are the cultural issues and what changes did you want to see? Is seems like she wants to remain friends.

[glows]

What are these changes? 

It sounds like a last bid to save the relationship even though the rationale sounds flimsy. She may be reacting based on emotion and pain or loss after the break up. One week sounds about right for the height of withdrawal and sadness and for someone to cave. It’s up to you if you feel it benefits you.

Personally, I wouldn’t. When a person shows their true character the first time or their values/beliefs I listen. While people are capable of change, you’ll have to weigh whether the risks are worth staying for. It’s been several years and I’m sure there were discussions ad nauseum between you two on whatever those changes were. 
 

Edited February 14, 2022 by glows

[bjobrien]

She's 24 and still 100% reliant on her wealthy family for money, she works for free. They pay her rent and give her an allowance. There's therefore no chance of us ever being 100% independent from them as a couple. She therefore doesn't understand the value of money and has no self-belief as she allows them to treat her like a child. To make matters worse, they dislike me and the males are openly very nasty to me - she doesn't back me up in this area either. 

I miss her ofc, but she would need to become more independent and get a job that at least pays her a wage, also become more independent from her family and start to have my back as a partner does. 

She doesn't seem to be willing to do either so I therefore don't think it's worth taking the risk. 

[bjobrien]

Agreed. You're right, it's as simple as that!

[glows]

37 minutes ago, bjobrien said:

She's 24 and still 100% reliant on her wealthy family for money, she works for free. They pay her rent and give her an allowance. There's therefore no chance of us ever being 100% independent from them as a couple. She therefore doesn't understand the value of money and has no self-belief as she allows them to treat her like a child. To make matters worse, they dislike me and the males are openly very nasty to me - she doesn't back me up in this area either. 

I miss her ofc, but she would need to become more independent and get a job that at least pays her a wage, also become more independent from her family and start to have my back as a partner does. 

She doesn't seem to be willing to do either so I therefore don't think it's worth taking the risk. 

That’s a person lacking emotional maturity and financial independence, OP. Yes, let go. 

You mentioned “false hope” but it’s not really hope, is it? 

Also a person’s family is part of the package. You’re both too different and her family notices as well. With these issues you’ve listed and her background, this is as good as over before it began. 

[bjobrien]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

That’s a person lacking emotional maturity and financial independence, OP. Yes, let go. 

You mentioned “false hope” but it’s not really hope, is it? 

Also a person’s family is part of the package. You’re both too different and her family notices as well. With these issues you’ve listed and her background, this is as good as over before it began. 

I do agree. Enormous lack of emotional maturity. It's very true what you say, there isn't any hope as the changes required are the biggest foundations of her life. IT's been good whilst it lasted, but it has certainly run it's cause. Many thanks for you feedback on this, enormously helpful advice!

[bjobrien]

My relationship of 4.5 years finished 2-weeks ago. We lived together for 4 years, lasted lockdown together and actually got closer during the 2-year pandemic and having to spend 24/7 living together. We're from very different cultures, wealth backgrounds but had a very loving and caring relationship with few arguments. Our relationship came to an end mutually, she reached out to me after one week of no contact and said ''we are such different people''. In my heart, I disagree with her. If we were such different people, how did we have such a long relationship, do so many things and have such few arguments? I don't want to ask her this as I want to maintain no contact. I do love her and hope she grows as a person from the break-up. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, bjobrien said:

We're from very different cultures, wealth backgrounds. she reached out to me after one week of no contact and said ''we are such different people''. 

You wanted her to change. To be working class and not come from pivalate, so she's correct that you are different.

Living together is fine and you had fun, but she may  mean for a serious relationship, you're not meant for each other

[glows]

33 minutes ago, bjobrien said:

My relationship of 4.5 years finished 2-weeks ago. We lived together for 4 years, lasted lockdown together and actually got closer during the 2-year pandemic and having to spend 24/7 living together. We're from very different cultures, wealth backgrounds but had a very loving and caring relationship with few arguments. Our relationship came to an end mutually, she reached out to me after one week of no contact and said ''we are such different people''. In my heart, I disagree with her. If we were such different people, how did we have such a long relationship, do so many things and have such few arguments? I don't want to ask her this as I want to maintain no contact. I do love her and hope she grows as a person from the break-up. 

People sometimes hang on out of emotional attachment. From your previous thread she was lacking in emotional maturity and wasn't financially independent. Perhaps that's what you're looking for in a partner so it worked for some time... until it didn't. Keep in mind that individuals are dynamic beings and often change and evolve over time. You may have found your needs changed in the relationship while hers remained the same resulting in a shift or a break. 

It's normal to still feel love for someone after breaking up or care for that person. 

[bjobrien]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

People sometimes hang on out of emotional attachment. From your previous thread she was lacking in emotional maturity and wasn't financially independent. Perhaps that's what you're looking for in a partner so it worked for some time... until it didn't. Keep in mind that individuals are dynamic beings and often change and evolve over time. You may have found your needs changed in the relationship while hers remained the same resulting in a shift or a break. 

It's normal to still feel love for someone after breaking up or care for that person. 

Yes, I think my needs did change towards the end. I wanted someone who was independent to take it to the next step with.I didn't care where her money came from initially. Her emotional immaturity caused her to remain the same, not change, not take ownership of her life, and not give her the drive to improve herself. My needs did change, I understand that now. Thank you for all the advice glows, maybe next time I should ask you the advice directly! 

[ExpatInItaly]

Looking at your.other thread about this break-up….she’s right. 

You’re very different people with very different priorities and different value systems. Different approaches and mindsets. 

Im surprised you disagree now, based on your own words from the other thread. 

 

[Maldives]

On 2/16/2022 at 3:12 AM, bjobrien said:

My relationship of 4.5 years finished 2-weeks ago. We lived together for 4 years, lasted lockdown together and actually got closer during the 2-year pandemic and having to spend 24/7 living together. We're from very different cultures, wealth backgrounds but had a very loving and caring relationship with few arguments. Our relationship came to an end mutually, she reached out to me after one week of no contact and said ''we are such different people''. In my heart, I disagree with her. If we were such different people, how did we have such a long relationship, do so many things and have such few arguments? I don't want to ask her this as I want to maintain no contact. I do love her and hope she grows as a person from the break-up. 

It's called emotions that's how she feels now but not before. My advice and after everything I experienced with breakups you can read my most recent story too is let her go. Feelings change she may feel differently after she hasn't spoken to or seen you for a while or she may not. This Is what I think it was she thought one way before her feelings changed and now she feels different. Let her go and try not to beat yourself up over it too much recognise it isn't you or anything you did. Easier said than done took me 5 and half yrs to realise the same after a final reach out. 

[Beachead]

On 2/15/2022 at 12:12 PM, bjobrien said:

My relationship of 4.5 years finished 2-weeks ago. We lived together for 4 years, lasted lockdown together and actually got closer during the 2-year pandemic and having to spend 24/7 living together. We're from very different cultures, wealth backgrounds but had a very loving and caring relationship with few arguments. Our relationship came to an end mutually, she reached out to me after one week of no contact and said ''we are such different people''. In my heart, I disagree with her. If we were such different people, how did we have such a long relationship, do so many things and have such few arguments? I don't want to ask her this as I want to maintain no contact. I do love her and hope she grows as a person from the break-up. 

Sorry for your pain OP. 

Stay No-Contact and don't involve her in your healing process.  Your mind is going back and forth.   This is something you need to work out on your own, and you will, with time.

I suggest you make a list of all the reasons you believe your relationship didn't work.   Here are a few of them in your previous post such as:

• Cultural differences
• Problems with her family
• Different views on money 
• Different stages in life and maturity

After you've made the list, reread it everytime you feel weak.

- Beach

 

 

[bjobrien]

Hi everyone, been so impressed with the support on this forum so far. Any tips for dealing with dreams of your ex? I don't want to be seeing her in my dreams each night and waking up feeling sh**. I don't want to see her in those dreams at all. Any advice on controlling dreams and dealing with mornings would be much appreciated!

[Wiseman2]

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Heartaches hurt, but if you can't weather it, perhaps some support would help.

[Beachead]

I know about the dreams all too well.  They can really screw you up.  

Given you recently went through a breakup, you won't be altogether.  You're grieving.  In a lot of pain.  The dreams are related to your state of mind.

Unfortunately, time is biggest thing that'll take care of this.  You need time to heal and you have to be patient with yourself.  You've had a long relationship with her and you clearly cared a lot about it, so it's going to take awhile.  Do not put deadlines on yourself.  You will heal when you heal.

But while you wait:

1. Journal

You can journal your thoughts and feelings onto paper.  Get it out of your system.   Everyday it's going to recollect in you, and you'll have to release it, so do this as often as you need.   It's a very underrated tool but very effective.  You'll see patterns in your thoughts over time, such as where you thinking tends to lean towards, regarding parts of your relationship and your life.  This might help you make sense of the mess that's in your head.  There are other journaling strategies such as writing out 2 things you're grateful for in your life.  It doesn't have to be something big.  It could be something as small as a cup of morning coffee or a warm shower.  The goal here is to get your mind to refocus on 2 good things and to remember if you still enjoy certain things in life, all hope is not lost.  You will eventually be okay.  The 3rd Journal technique is to set goals.  Something to aspire to.  And get specific.  You should have short-term, intermediate, and long-term goals.  It'll function like a roadmap to help you get to where you want to get to.  It can be about physical fitness, education or where you want to ultimately live etc.

Also:

2. Create Desirable conditions in your life

Creating desirable conditions in your life, will certainly minimize them such as surrounding yourself with good people.  Surrounding yourself with things in life that make you feel purposeful and happy.  You're probably still living the same life as when you were with your gf. That can make harder to get passed her as you'll pass by things that'll often remind you of her.  A good tactic is to change your routine, wherever possible.  For example, drive along different roads to get to where you are going. Choose different restaurants to grab food at.  Stay out of your apartment for awhile and spend more time elsewhere.  You want to make choices that'll benefit your life in the long-run because the fruits of that labour will bring you good things and that's what's going to eventually lift your mood.

But don't go crazy and overdo it.  You still need time to yourself, to process your breakup and heal.  Doing too much will only serve as a distraction which will be comparable to drinking or smoking weed to cope with pain.  After the buzz or high wears off, there it'll be again.  Likewise, when you're not busy, that pain will show up.  Likely in the nights. 

3.  Talk to someone.

But like I said, this is more about time.  They subside with it.   The other 3 things will make sure you stay on the right course of your healing and get you to where you need to be in the shortest route possible..but there is no rushing the process.  The pace at which you heal at will be your pace and you're just going to have ride it out.

 I hope this is enough to get you started

Goodluck

- Beach

 

[glows]

Stay away from the unholy trinity: alcohol, caffeine and sugar. Eat meals reasonably early and not right before bed. And most of all be kind to yourself. 

Expecting quick fixes or miraculous and instant healing is not realistic. You know there is a healing period and break ups are challenging so create less frustration for yourself by allowing this to happen within reason. As long as you’re caring for your health and forming good habits this will fade. 

See your doctor if you need more health advice regarding your overall health. No one on the forum can answer your questions specific to any current or ongoing health complications or conditions you may have. 

[ShyViolet]

You can't "control" dreams, they are just thoughts that pass.  The first step is stop thinking that you need to "control" your dreams.  Accept that thoughts of your ex might come up from time to time, don't worry so much about it and just let it pass.  As you process the breakup, these dreams and these thoughts will become less and less.