All my possessions remind me of her - 5 year relationship break-up

[ShyViolet]

You can't "control" dreams, they are just thoughts that pass.  The first step is stop thinking that you need to "control" your dreams.  Accept that thoughts of your ex might come up from time to time, don't worry so much about it and just let it pass.  As you process the breakup, these dreams and these thoughts will become less and less.  

[Wiseman2]

You claimed you dumped her because you're not in love with her and she wouldn't change enough for you.

Try to relax and let the breakup take it's course. You did the right thing ending it.

[bjobrien]

On 2/17/2022 at 1:03 PM, Beachead said:

I know about the dreams all too well.  They can really screw you up.  

Given you recently went through a breakup, you won't be altogether.  You're grieving.  In a lot of pain.  The dreams are related to your state of mind.

Unfortunately, time is biggest thing that'll take care of this.  You need time to heal and you have to be patient with yourself.  You've had a long relationship with her and you clearly cared a lot about it, so it's going to take awhile.  Do not put deadlines on yourself.  You will heal when you heal.

But while you wait:

1. Journal

You can journal your thoughts and feelings onto paper.  Get it out of your system.   Everyday it's going to recollect in you, and you'll have to release it, so do this as often as you need.   It's a very underrated tool but very effective.  You'll see patterns in your thoughts over time, such as where you thinking tends to lean towards, regarding parts of your relationship and your life.  This might help you make sense of the mess that's in your head.  There are other journaling strategies such as writing out 2 things you're grateful for in your life.  It doesn't have to be something big.  It could be something as small as a cup of morning coffee or a warm shower.  The goal here is to get your mind to refocus on 2 good things and to remember if you still enjoy certain things in life, all hope is not lost.  You will eventually be okay.  The 3rd Journal technique is to set goals.  Something to aspire to.  And get specific.  You should have short-term, intermediate, and long-term goals.  It'll function like a roadmap to help you get to where you want to get to.  It can be about physical fitness, education or where you want to ultimately live etc.

Also:

2. Create Desirable conditions in your life

Creating desirable conditions in your life, will certainly minimize them such as surrounding yourself with good people.  Surrounding yourself with things in life that make you feel purposeful and happy.  You're probably still living the same life as when you were with your gf. That can make harder to get passed her as you'll pass by things that'll often remind you of her.  A good tactic is to change your routine, wherever possible.  For example, drive along different roads to get to where you are going. Choose different restaurants to grab food at.  Stay out of your apartment for awhile and spend more time elsewhere.  You want to make choices that'll benefit your life in the long-run because the fruits of that labour will bring you good things and that's what's going to eventually lift your mood.

But don't go crazy and overdo it.  You still need time to yourself, to process your breakup and heal.  Doing too much will only serve as a distraction which will be comparable to drinking or smoking weed to cope with pain.  After the buzz or high wears off, there it'll be again.  Likewise, when you're not busy, that pain will show up.  Likely in the nights. 

3.  Talk to someone.

But like I said, this is more about time.  They subside with it.   The other 3 things will make sure you stay on the right course of your healing and get you to where you need to be in the shortest route possible..but there is no rushing the process.  The pace at which you heal at will be your pace and you're just going to have ride it out.

 I hope this is enough to get you started

Goodluck

- Beach

 

Wow Beach, thank you so much for this advice. It's brilliant and it resonates so well. I am journaling and did this during my relationship too. It does help massively. I'm also trying to adapt my routine. I had a break up 7 years ago and I really struggled, using smoking as a coping mechanism which delayed the healing - I will not make the same mistake. I'm considering relocating abroad but I'm worried that it's a decision of irrationality and running away from something. Deep down I know it's neither because I wanted to relocated abroad when I was with my ex and the fact she didn't want to was one of the reasons we split. It's just sped up the process now for me to want to pack up and start a new life elsewhere. 

[bjobrien]

It's been a couple of weeks since my ex and I broke up and I'm now thinking of the next chapter in my life. I always dreamt of relocating abroad to Asia and this was one of the reasons my relationship failed, because my ex refused to leave our city. I'm now deciding on whether to have a clear out and take the leap of faith, and relocate abroad. I'm slightly worried that this is a bit irrational of me and this might appear that I'm running away from something. Deep down this is what I've always wanted though, to live abroad, to write and to have a unique lifestyle. The breakup has now allowed me to do this if I want to. What I'm asking is... how do I know this is a rational decision and I'm following my heart? Or, am I running away from my problems and the breakup? I seriously don't think I'm running away from something as asking this question in itself highlights my rationality. Thoughts please....

[salparadise]

You seem to be certain of your desire to move away from London, and the ending of the relationship seems final, so I'd say the rationality is in the logistics of moving and starting a new life for yourself. For starters, do you have a way to make a living? You said you want to write –– are you established as a writer with a reliable client base? Do you have enough money saved? Do you speak the language of the country where you would move? Would you be leaving family behind and going it alone, or do you have friends/family where you would be moving? Do the laws/policies allow you to be there indefinitely, and work?

Even if you don't have all of the assets to make the move easy, following your dreams while you're young does make sense. Visualize the life you want and go about building it. The alternative is to waste a lot of time, or all of your time, and feel bad about not having had the courage to go after what you really want. It's a calculated risk. You have to be the judge of much risk vs. safety is right for you. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, bjobrien said:

I always dreamt of relocating abroad to Asia and this was one of the reasons my relationship failed, because my ex refused to leave our city. I'm now deciding on whether to have a clear out and take the leap of faith, and relocate abroad. 

If you have a job, visa connects and a viable plan it's fine.

Your exgf never stopped you from your dreams. She just didn't want to follow you around when she had a good life where she is. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, bjobrien said:

running away from my problems and the breakup?

What other problems do you have? If you’ve not ever had the opportunity to travel or live elsewhere and it’s on your bucket list, of course, go. It has nothing to do with your previous relationship. 

What part of Asia or which country were you thinking of? I’m from Singapore, born and bred. While I have much love for my roots I would not live there or anywhere else in Asia if someone paid me. 

Enjoy exploring if this is what it’s about. Live your life and enjoy it to the fullest as long as you can provide for yourself and have some sort of plan. Good luck! 

[Beachead]

@bjobrien

Np man.  

It's not very fun having a dream about an ex, and the part of you that still wished you were together, enjoys it.   But then you wake up and you realize she's gone, isn't coming back, and life has to go on.  Makes you want to run back to her and say and do anything to have her in your life again.  Ofcourse it'd only be shortlived happiness if you did.

It's a like drug addict going through withdrawal.  Dreams are one of the withdrawal symptoms.  

In general though, a lot of that desire to go back to the ex (Especially in first couple of months of a breakup) is fear of the future really.  Exes are comfortable and familiar and when you're already terrified to move forward on your own because it's hard..the comfort and familiarity they provided, feels like the better option.  It usually isn't.

Another journaling tactic you might find helpful is the writing out a list of why the relationship didn't work out and what you didn't like about her. 

Often times you might find you tend to bounce back and forth between how you feel about the whole breakup.  You might feel better off at times and you might feel like you can't live without them and you might not feel anything at all.  Something you can do is write out a list of reasons for why the relationship didn't work, when you feel strong, when everything is clear.  That way, you can read list when you feel weak.   It saved me from making the mistake of contacting my ex and it realigned me back in the direction of my goals.  This also shows that having goals and things to aspire for, before being in any relationship, is a worthwhile thing to have.  If the relationship doesn't work out, you still have your dream.  It pulls you back onto your track, so you don't veer off course.

 

Quote

Deep down I know it's neither because I wanted to relocated abroad when I was with my ex and the fact she didn't want to was one of the reasons we split. It's just sped up the process now for me to want to pack up and start a new life elsewhere. 

I think you should do it.  It's a move that has nothing to do with her because it was something YOU wanted to do, and you wanted to do it so badly, it's a reason for your split.  So based on that, I think it's a good move for you.

- Beach

[ShyViolet]

Do not make any major, life-changing decisions like moving to a different country when you just went through a major breakup two weeks ago.   Wait until your emotions settle down and you are thinking more clearly.  

[bjobrien]

21 hours ago, glows said:

What other problems do you have? If you’ve not ever had the opportunity to travel or live elsewhere and it’s on your bucket list, of course, go. It has nothing to do with your previous relationship. 

What part of Asia or which country were you thinking of? I’m from Singapore, born and bred. While I have much love for my roots I would not live there or anywhere else in Asia if someone paid me. 

Enjoy exploring if this is what it’s about. Live your life and enjoy it to the fullest as long as you can provide for yourself and have some sort of plan. Good luck! 

I was actually considering Singapore. My initial destination was Hong Kong but there's a lot of visa complications there atm because of China. If I could find work in Singapore I would leave next week. I've worked for some of the biggest tech companies in the UK as an Account Manager, but still, it seems complicated finding work in Singapore too. I've heard amazing things about Singapore - if you have any advice or connections it would be an incredible help to me. 

[bjobrien]

I'm really struggling today. It's been two weeks since my relationship of 4.5 years finished. One week of no contact. It's been up and down this week, some days easy and some days tough. Today, I'm really struggling though. I feel so alone. I live in an apartment by myself and just really miss her company and having her there. I feel like I really took the relationship for granted. Part of me wants to contact her to see if she's also struggling. We loved each other a lot and things ended amicably. When I'm out and about I feel ok, that life is carrying on as normal, but behind closed doors the reality hits me that I'm alone and man it does hurt a lot, today in particular. I know I need to give myself time and being naturally impatient doesn't help. I really do miss her though, after so long together we were such good friends, I understand the reason of no contact, but I really feel that I've lost a best friend more than anything else, and that hurts me. I want my friend back, not the relationship. We had some big differences so romantically it wouldn't work, but she was such a good person, and I miss having her in my life in some capacity. Should I end the no contact to communicate this to her? I know the relationship is over, but I really want to have her as a friend in my life. It seems pointless to continue with the 'no contact' rule just because most people say so. They way in which this ended was so mutual, so amicable, and I really miss this person. 

[glows]

What you’re feeling is not out of the ordinary. Ride it out and give yourself another two weeks. Stay busy and focused on what you need to do for yourself. 

It seems you don’t have a support system or individuals you can discuss other topics with. I was completing a masters program during my separation and divorce in 2020 and I worked. The quiet moments can be difficult. Try journaling if you’re struggling and find yourself restless. Ultimately you know this wasn’t working at all. It’s not a good idea to look for friendship after the relationship has ended. Overcome these feelings of withdrawal. They will pass.

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, bjobrien said:

 I want my friend back, not the relationship. We had some big differences so romantically it wouldn't work

Unfortunately breakups hurt. However she can not attend to your broken heart and be friends since it was your choice to end things because 'she did not want a regular job', you 'fell out of love", 'she didn't change' enough and 'she did not want to follow along some dream of living abroad'. 

See a physician for an evaluation of your mental and physical health. Discuss your sadness, isolation, withdrawal from life, society, the relationship and other problems. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

[bjobrien]

On 2/20/2022 at 3:56 PM, iloya said:

hi,

first of all i'm sorry that you are hurt. it happens, sometimes i admire people who have no feelings after a breakup.

i believe that you are bargaining. it is understandable because we are all do that after a breakup. 

i believe that you should hang or talk another friends most of the time. you might still think of her when you will meet your friends but someday it will be much more easier. 

it is a choice, calling her and say her "let's stay friends". she says ok or not ok. you should prepare yourself for everthing because if she says "ok" and you will be friends again, one day you can will see her with another person. isn't that hurt you?

sometimes love is complicated. i believe you can love and miss someone even if they aren't with you anymore. 

you can watch "how to fix a broken heart" from guy winch. it helped me. 

you can buy new things for you and for your home. you can chance your home design. paint your walls, for example. 

 

you will always be loved. 

Thank you @iloya I have read 'how to fix a broken heart' by Guy Winch, it was a good book. I'm continuing with no contact but struggling and do want to message her. In my opinion, she was the one that needed to make changes, if she called me and said she was willing to make some changes I would consider giving it another go. After 5 years of living a life that wasn't very true to who I am, my biggest challenge is rediscovering my identity. 

[bjobrien]

4 hours ago, iloya said:

did you think about getting some support? 

how is it going your rediscovering your identity? after a big broke up i got a unsual job. and i liked it. do you have any hobbies?

Hi @iloya yes I have thought about getting support and have booked in some counselling. The first two weeks of rediscovery were tough as I was going out too much with friends on the weekend so the first few days of each week I was feeling depressed (probably more to do with alcohol and late nights). I do have hobbies, I love creative writing and exercise. I've been so tempted to break the no contact but I've stayed strong and have resisted the urge. Tomorrow I will be returning to the city we lived, for one day, for work. I hope I feel okay returning to the city and realise I need to create new memories in old places. Thank you for checking-in, that's very kind of you. 

[mark clemson]

On 2/13/2022 at 2:45 AM, bjobrien said:

What can I do about this?

Consider moving to a new home. IF you can make it advantageous in other ways, e.g. cheaper rent, better location, then it serves multiple purposes.

Overall, I think it's not uncommon for things to trigger "breakup blues". Really what you need to do is wait. Your brain will process the breakup at it's own pace. This tends to be slower than we'd like, but it's an opportunity to "regroup" and improve your life in various ways so that when you feel emotionally ready for the next relationship you are "in good form" and thus attractive to many women.

Good physical fitness, good grooming, nice clothes, confidence/self assurance/emotional stability, good social skills, financial stability and/or decent career prospects. It's easier said than done, but have all these things and you will "be" a desirable male and have little trouble dating, indeed the women will likely come to you.

If you are "pining" for her for too long (e.g. more than a few months), you may need to resolve to be done with contacting her (despite the good intentions and maturity of maintaining a friendship), just to make it easier for you to move on emotionally to the next phase of your life.

Edited February 23, 2022 by mark clemson

[glows]

I second physical fitness or being outside. It ups your endorphins and just feels great. Do it anyway even if you don't want to. You may surprise yourself and look forward to your exercise or round around the neighbourhood or the park or lake. I like moving around outside the house or living area and amuse myself easily people watching and observing nature. 

You can travel as far as you want to for a change of scenery. What a lot of people don't realize is the abundance of activity and change right at their doorstep. I know memories are hard to overcome. Do it anyway. It builds character.

[bjobrien]

14 hours ago, glows said:

I second physical fitness or being outside. It ups your endorphins and just feels great. Do it anyway even if you don't want to. You may surprise yourself and look forward to your exercise or round around the neighbourhood or the park or lake. I like moving around outside the house or living area and amuse myself easily people watching and observing nature. 

You can travel as far as you want to for a change of scenery. What a lot of people don't realize is the abundance of activity and change right at their doorstep. I know memories are hard to overcome. Do it anyway. It builds character.

Hi Glows, the problem is, I have always exercised intensively, even when I was with my ex. So continuing this doesn't feel any different. I feel that I need to leave the UK and go on travels for one year whilst I'm still relatively young. I think that being somewhere completely new will make me feel more alive and excited towards life. 

[glows]

3 hours ago, bjobrien said:

Hi Glows, the problem is, I have always exercised intensively, even when I was with my ex. So continuing this doesn't feel any different. I feel that I need to leave the UK and go on travels for one year whilst I'm still relatively young. I think that being somewhere completely new will make me feel more alive and excited towards life. 

As long as you have a viable plan in place it’s reasonable. Try not to romanticize the idea of living abroad as you may risk falling deeper in your depression as it fails your expectations or goals or plans aren’t realistic in the long run. You’re building up leaving as a fix all and the problem with this idea is that you’re deeply unhappy with yourself or need to leave as opposed to doing it for career reasons for example. It’s money you could be spending on therapy or seeking the help and mental health support available to you locally.

I have to emphasize I’m not against the idea. But you do need to work on your planning and justify those reasons to yourself. In yet another new thread you’ve expressed hesitation again in relocating. The person to convince is you yourself and you seem unable to do that.

I replied to your other thread as well.