Is this an EA or close friendship ?

[VolubleArmour]

Pardon this long post.
 

I’ve known a man at work for almost 8 years- MM. I’m divorced with a kid, many years.  Before last year, we were not close and I would have regarded him as a close acquaintance. However he liked chatting to me to the extent that some of my colleagues thought he had a thing for me. There was also body language and eye contact if those can be counted. I thought he could have found me attractive but I was not interested and found the long conversations he had with me a tad boring 

Sometime in end 2019 we started chatting a bit more but when he started seeking me out at company functions to chat, I instinctively avoided him. Something in me told me this was not gonna work- I don’t know why I had this thought as he was and is never inappropriate. Our chats were also not personal . He noticed this “avoidance” and surprisingly, or not, he became very cold, icy cold to me. I was shocked that he noticed I avoided him and even more so, that he had such a sharp reaction. 

fast forward to mid 2021 - by which time we had already begun working from home. We got each other’s numbers for work matters and soon discovered that we had mutual interests - love of art and literature. He started showing me his art each time he did a new piece and pretty soon he started texting me on non work matters and on  a few occasions, during non work hours . 
we have gotten very close as friends and formed a bond. Work wise, he has helped me a lot and I regularly go to him for help as he is an expert on matters which I am not. All this has us becoming really close friends . 
There has been nothing inappropriate spoken, no overt flirtations. However the frequency and intensity of contact has gotten me asking if this is an EA. We are in contact by text almost everyday during the work week. 80% of time it’s on art, kids, literature, work etc. We can spend one afternoon texting , sometimes much of the day. At times we would talk on the phone for work matters, then proceed to text again. He’s always very very helpful at work and I’ve been supportive of his work problems. We have not met in person in the last 2 years.

We did exchange little gifts - I gave him a notebook as a token of appreciation for his help. He reciprocated by giving me his own drawing - which was hanging in his office  and that made an effort to show that it was not a big deal at all that he was giving me his own painting that he framed . The strange thing is he will do things for me without asking me then proceed to tell me that it was nothing special. On an occasion, he also said he was fond of me - totally unsolicited- but that he was also fond of my other colleagues. I don’t know where that came from as I never asked how he felt about me or anyone else. 
 

I’m catching feelings and can feel he’s starting to care for me, at least as a friend. He does mention his wife but does not complain about her. He also seems to know a lot about my personal life although I’ve not hitherto told him much. Whenever I contact him about work, he will “use the opportunity” to talk about non work matters 

The thing that has me asking if this is an EA is the frequency and intensity at which he contacts me by text. We have a mental connection as we share some interests which we don’t share with many people. 

We can text for hours - it’s been happening consistently for the past 5 months!. I’ve not asked him if his wife knows . We’ve never “confessed” to each other. I’m trying now, to stay away. I’ll be honest, I won’t say I’m throwing myself at him but I should be setting firm boundaries whixh I don’t think I am by entertaining and participating in chats on non-work matters. 
 

Is this / is this becoming an EA? I’m sure I’m filling some Kind of gap in his life and vice versa. Note that he’s not suggested meeting up as we are still working from home during this pandemic. We both do not go out much. However recently, I noticed he’s been calling me on the phone more and some chats now continue to early part of the night  🤦‍♀️

[BaileyB]

There is no such things a close friendship with another woman’s husband. How would you feel if your husband was constantly texting and calling another woman every night to talk, giving her gifts, etc… would you have a problem with the fact that he has a “close friendship” with another woman or would it make you very uncomfortable? 

I think you have answered your own question - you think the frequency of contact is too much, it is secret (ie,  his wife does not know), and it’s getting more personal (you have exchanged gifts), and you feel like you need to stay away from the man. I say - trust your instinct. If it feels inappropriate, or is inappropriate. 

Edited February 13, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, VolubleArmour said:

I’ve known a man at work for almost 8 years- MM. I’m divorced with a kid, many years. Work wise, he has helped me a lot and I regularly go to him for help as he is an expert on matters which I am not. We have not met in person in the last 2 years. He does mention his wife but does not complain about her. 

He's a work colleague. You seem to have a crush on him . However he clearly states he is happily married and does nothing that is unprofessional or inappropriate. 

You seem isolated and lonely. It would be best to get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. You can't count on this as an imaginary affair/romance. 

[VolubleArmour]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's a work colleague. You seem to have a crush on him . However he clearly states he is happily married and does nothing that is unprofessional or inappropriate. 

You seem isolated and lonely. It would be best to get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. You can't count on this as an imaginary affair/romance. 

I have been divorced many years and am generally doing well- I love my independence and have a very good support network.  I can handle being alone the rest of my life if that what’s it would be. Thanks for your advice on dating apps- I’ve done it very briefly in the past (only to get over someone else) and it’s not something I am interested in, at all.  I find the small talk tiring and boring. Yes I have developed a crush on him but I don’t think it’s all in my imagination. In any case, he is married but it’s not opened to me to drop him cold as we work together. He will react very badly if I start ignoring or blocking him- it’s happened before when we were not even close at all. 

[VolubleArmour]

27 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

There is no such things a close friendship with another woman’s husband. How would you feel if your husband was constantly texting and calling another woman every night to talk, giving her gifts, etc… would you have a problem with the fact that he has a “close friendship” with another woman or would it make you very uncomfortable? 

I think you have answered your own question - you think the frequency of contact is too much, it is secret (ie,  his wife does not know), and it’s getting more personal (you have exchanged gifts), and you feel like you need to stay away from the man. I say - trust your instinct. If it feels inappropriate, or is inappropriate. 

You nailed it. Emotional infidelity would be worse , in my books, compared to physical infidelity alone or one night stands. Hence my question here…  Thanks, you make a lot of sense (which I seem to be losing 🤦‍♀️)

Edited February 13, 2022 by VolubleArmour

[glows]

Since you already started to have feelings for him, keep the chats to a minimum if not end them entirely. You’ll have to replace that void in your life with something else so stay busy and productive and focus on your other friendships. 

I would not spend time or energy asking yourself what you mean to him or what he thinks. The issue is you being too wrapped up with the interactions and leaning on him emotionally. 

Edited February 13, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, VolubleArmour said:

I have developed a crush on him but I don’t think it’s all in my imagination. In any case, he is married but it’s not opened to me to drop him cold as we work together. 

That's ok. Just continue to be professional. Pull back from all the personal chitchat. He's married and not suggesting in any manner whatsoever that he wants an affair. In fact you have not even seen each other in person for 2 Years because of the work from home situation.

[Sun Seeker]

42 minutes ago, VolubleArmour said:

 he is married but it’s not opened to me to drop him cold as we work together. He will react very badly if I start ignoring or blocking him- it’s happened before when we were not even close at all. 

You know what you are doing is inappropriate.

Nothing wrong with saying 'I think we should keep our communication professional regarding work related things only, and stop the personal chats as it's inappropriate considering you are married.'

If he reacts badly or doesn't like it, that's his problem, not yours, you carry on with life without giving it a second thought.

Stop wasting your life crushing on a married man, when there are plenty of single men out there.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, VolubleArmour said:

I’m catching feelings

Then it's time to dial this back, regardless of whatever we might call it. 

Stop responding so frequently or so promptly. Don't entertain conversations that are unrelated to work. You two many indeed be filling voids in each other's lives but it's going to get messy if you don't do the right thing now. 

[Luna66star]

Your concerns spoken  on this blog speak to the inappropriateness of the situation.  Obviously, it's uncomfortable for you.  If he's starting to get "personal", well that is unprofessional   

Many men who start affairs are happily married (some are not).  He is getting too close and it indicates he's grooming you for something intimate.  His next step will be to get you alone, knowing you are fully comfortable with him.  He will test things by accidently touching you or giving a hug.  Then watching your response.  He's hoping for a green light.

These men are very crafty.  They start up purely platonic friendships, and gradually get personal.  Since you already have this friendship bond, it's likely you won't make a fuss about a little hug or brush of his hand.

I'm sorry to be a downer here.  He's playing you.  I've been in your exact situation. You now have feelings for him - which I'm sure he's counting on.

Walk away from this personal relationship.  Keep it strictly professional.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[S2B]

If it’s talk his wife would be unhappy seeing/hearing then you know you are participating in a way that’s hurtful to someone (even if they aren’t aware).

stop the personal interaction. Tell him you’ve decided to keep it strictly work related and remind him he’s married. 

this is up to you to do the right thing - he obviously isn’t going to. 

married men groom potential affair partners - I’d say he’s groomed you well enough that you have strong feelings for him - he wants two women paying attention to him. That should tell you how selfish and self centered he really is. He’s a man who’s willing to mistreat his own wife! Tell him you aren’t playing that role for him anymore.

don’t hesitate to point out how inappropriate he’s been considering he’s the ones who’s married.

[Starswillshine]

You have feelings. It does not matter what he feels, what his intentions are, etc. All that matters is you have developed feeling and unless you want to deal with heartbreak, it is time to put some distance between the two. The man is married... and in most of these situations, if an affair is started, it turns out horribly for the OW. Time to back away slowly for your own good. 

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, VolubleArmour said:

 I have developed a crush on him . In any case, he is married but it’s not opened to me to drop him cold as we work together. 

It seems like it's filling a void. Almost like the loneliness and isolation in general and since working from home,has led to this.

It's not an affair. It's that you're doing more small talk about your personal lives, perhaps out of boredom, isolation and that you both are working from home now.

There's nothing to indicate that he's inappropriate, looking for an affair or interested in romance. It sounds like you both need a friend to talk to.

He's crystal clear that he's happily married, so it's a crush borne of a void for you.

 

[VolubleArmour]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like it's filling a void. Almost like the loneliness and isolation in general and since working from home,has led to this.

It's not an affair. It's that you're doing more small talk about your personal lives, perhaps out of boredom, isolation and that you both are working from home now.

There's nothing to indicate that he's inappropriate, looking for an affair or interested in romance. It sounds like you both need a friend to talk to.

He's crystal clear that he's happily married, so it's a crush borne of a void for you.

 

Thanks for your replies but someone who’s crystal clearly in a happy marriage has time and the capacity to talk to another woman the whole day, text and phone calls on non work matters? Actively seeks out friendship consistently for 5 months ?? Conversations like this should be with the wife and not another female friend.It’s not opened for me to judge the state of his marriage neither am I saying he’s actively seeking an affair (I don’t think he is) but I don’t think this is a one sided thing. It’s also not surprising for some kind of bond to develop over the course of a few months with constant communication, platonic or otherwise. Obviously there’s a void for both. Nonetheless, it’s inappropriate for too many reasons. I get that but I don’t buy this “I’m happily married and therefore it’s only the woman throwing herself at me “ nonsense. 

Edited February 15, 2022 by VolubleArmour

[BaileyB]

If I may - don’t make the assumption that men and women think or act alike - they don’t. 

It’s a well known pattern on this site - woman is unhappy and missing something in her marriage. She turns to another to fill the void and often gets very emotionally involved in this new relationship. In some cases, she seeks to replace one relationship for the other. Men are often content in their relationships but looking for a little extra - attention, excitement, affection, sex. He may be unhappy in his relationship or he may well be happily married and still entertaining himself with a relationship on the side. The two relationships may mutually exist in a way that many women find difficult to understand. 

Edited February 15, 2022 by BaileyB

[S2B]

2 hours ago, VolubleArmour said:

Thanks for your replies but someone who’s crystal clearly in a happy marriage has time and the capacity to talk to another woman the whole day, text and phone calls on non work matters? Actively seeks out friendship consistently for 5 months ?? Conversations like this should be with the wife and not another female friend.It’s not opened for me to judge the state of his marriage neither am I saying he’s actively seeking an affair (I don’t think he is) but I don’t think this is a one sided thing. It’s also not surprising for some kind of bond to develop over the course of a few months with constant communication, platonic or otherwise. Obviously there’s a void for both. Nonetheless, it’s inappropriate for too many reasons. I get that but I don’t buy this “I’m happily married and therefore it’s only the woman throwing herself at me “ nonsense. 

You are responsible for how YOU participate. And you participate with him on a level that allows him to spend so so much time focused on you! so you are guilty of encouraging him to spend all this time communicating with you.

he wouldn’t IF you didn’t respond - or even respond once to every 50 texts he sends. Don’t answer his calls except when it’s ONLY work related.

he’s hyper focused on you - it’s only a matter of time before this moves to a physical affair. You know what he’s after - he’s just grooming you.

atop acting like you have no control in the matter - you CAN control what you do or don’t do.

if not - get a new job ASAP! You’re about to ruin another family because you play like you don’t know what he’s doing. You’re taking away a husband from the wife.

[Starswillshine]

OP, what it seems you REALLY wanted to ask is do we believe he wants to have an affair with you. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, VolubleArmour said:

 has time and the capacity to talk to another woman the whole day, text and phone calls on non work matters? 

If you are coworkers working from home he has to communicate with you. If it's non work chitchat that's ok.

You haven't seen each other in person for years so there's no risk of this going anywhere.

When he's not on work calls he's spending time with his wife and family.

Try to find connections to people after work and especially someone you can talk to.

[Pumpernickel]

On 2/13/2022 at 8:44 AM, VolubleArmour said:

Is this / is this becoming an EA?

Do you want it to be? I think it's all in your hands at this point. You can stop it, or you can intensify it. Yor choice. You have little to no influence on what he's doing or thinking. We're no mind readers.

I am getting the impression, though, simply by reading your OP, and the overall sound of it, that what you want is to take this further, intensify it, develop an EA, and maybe more. You have already "caught feelings". He may or may not be unhappy in his marriage. We don't know this. You don't know this. His wife may be unaware of your communication, or she might read along. We don't know this, either. She might not be the jealous type, she might think you're just a friendly coworker, or she might simply not care. His wife could be his best friend whom he shares everything with. Or not. We don't know this. 

Would he take it further, if you are ready and willing to take it further? Here, too, the odds are 50:50. He might be of the opinion that his daily exchange is just friendly banter with a workfriend, to make the boring workday at the home office less boring. He could take the dog for a walk just as well, but it's cold outside. So he spends his time chatting with whoever's available. So all you can do is speculate, nothing more, and adjust your behavior to your believes and your intentions. What outcome do you want? What's your intention? These are the things you can control. You can keep it strictly business, if that's what you want. It's totally your choice. The way he reacts and behaves is not.   

Edited February 15, 2022 by Pumpernickel

[stillafool]

On 2/13/2022 at 8:44 AM, VolubleArmour said:

I won’t say I’m throwing myself at him but I should be setting firm boundaries whixh I don’t think I am by entertaining and participating in chats on non-work matters. 

Then why aren't you setting firm boundaries.  You know how you feel and what you're doing is inappropriate with a MM so why do you continue to do this?

[czanclus]

[ ] 

the great thing is that you seem to really have your head screwed on right and are checking in with yourself (and LS forumites :-)) how to proceed now that you've caught feelings. Further, you seem to be just as happy staying uncoupled if nothing satisfactory show up, so props for that. Just slowly tone it down to the extent that you are comfortable it being 99.99999...% platonic. If that means drastically reducing contact at some point and for some time, so be it.

You mentioned however that from a past experience when you were just work acquaintances he became cold to you when you didn't reciprocate to his satisfaction. This is highly unattractive and manipulative, and he has no place for such audacity of either feelings or actions. Keep that in mind as you further evaluate how much you want him present in your life. Whatever you do, and I'm sure you're already on it, do not fan the 'feelings' flame, as he doesn't seem to be setting the stage for anything to develop at all, and the ball is totally in his court. 

[ ] 

Edited February 16, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
argumentative

[NuevoYorko]

On 2/13/2022 at 6:37 AM, VolubleArmour said:

 He will react very badly if I start ignoring or blocking him- it’s happened before when we were not even close at all. 

Of course he would - he's your work colleague.  Ignoring / blocking him would be completely unprofessional.

Get your boundaries in order.  You have friends and a solid network in your personal life; go there for your friendship needs.  Stop engaging on a personal level with this man. 

[vla1120]

If I were you, I would put all your cards out on the table by #1 - asking him if his wife is aware of how often the two of you talk and whether she's okay with that and #2 - telling him that you want to keep it professional. That being said, two of my best male friends work with me in my office. We text each other outside of work. One of them is married and the other has a girlfriend. I know their significant others and include them in the text conversations quite often. There is absolutely no danger of crossing a line or being inappropriate.

In  your case, you already admitted to catching feelings for him, so unless you want this to blow up in your face, I would definitely put your cards on the table and if you cannot maintain a platonic friendship with him (and perhaps include his wife), then you should scale back to only work-related communications.

[Wiseman2]

On 2/13/2022 at 8:44 AM, VolubleArmour said:

We have not met in person in the last 2 years. I’m catching feelings and can feel he’s starting to care for me, at least as a friend. We can text for hours - it’s been happening consistently for the past 5 months.

It's ok to be friendly with opposite sex coworkers. Most coworkers chitchat about things other than work.

People feel isolated and bored working from home. You're just texting.

And you need to because you still work together, even though there has  been no in-person workplace (or any other place) contact in 2 years.

He's just being friendly. It's ok to have a crush but round your life out a bit more.

Edited February 15, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Lisa]

This thread has had a clean up of content which is bickering and also content which is disrespectful to the OP.