Is this an EA or close friendship ?

[Starswillshine]

On 2/14/2022 at 10:03 PM, VolubleArmour said:

Thanks for your replies but someone who’s crystal clearly in a happy marriage has time and the capacity to talk to another woman the whole day, text and phone calls on non work matters? Actively seeks out friendship consistently for 5 months ?? Conversations like this should be with the wife and not another female friend

As others have pointed out, don't make this assumption. You say he should have this conversation with another female friend, what makes you believe he doesn't see you as another female friend? He may or may not be interested in you. Who knows. But do not make the assumption that because he is spending so much time texting you that he must be in an unhappy relationship. Read these boards and you'll find many women who have made this same mistakes. Ones that are fully in affairs with men confessing their love, but when push comes to shove, he stays exactly where he wants to be. 

He could be bored and reaching out to anyone who will chat with him. We know men don't like to spend much time chatting with each other unless in person. You could be just filling in his boredness. His wife could be busy. I'm fully in love with my soon to be husband. We don't spend all day texting. When he calls on his way home from work, we spend about 5 minutes on the call because there just isn't too much to talk about. We spend our life together, we know each other in and out, we know all the stories, etc. Women seem to get caught up in this "well, he texts me all day long, even when home" as if that means something. Do you understand how easy it is to send a text. Imagine being the woman he texts while he is sitting on the toilet? That is what that sort of texting it is reduce to. Or when the wife walks out of the room to tend to the children or whatever house tasks. 

Maybe he has feelings and wants to pursue it more. But what does that mean? Many of men cheat in a perfectly happy marriage. Meaning... they have zero desire to leave their wives. Their marriage is exactly how they want it. But... what they want is the little side piece. Something different. Affairs bring a new spice to lives. (And a whole lot of pain when it all falls apart... more so than typical, normal break ups). Don't fall into the trap of thinking that his marriage must be bad and if your bond is strong enough, then obviously he will leave his marriage for you. Most men just desire something a little different in addition to not instead of. It isn't an either/or... it's an AND thing.

But as I stated before, right now, it is just easier to put the breaks on this before you find yourself in a world of hurt and looking/feeling the fool. 

[VolubleArmour]

On 2/15/2022 at 9:59 PM, Starswillshine said:

OP, what it seems you REALLY wanted to ask is do we believe he wants to have an affair with you. 

Yes, that was one of the questions- I'm not an expert on man nor extra marital affairs. . Nothing wrong with asking that and it seems I am judged for even entertaining that question. Thanks for all the comments and I’m sure everyone means well- but it seems I am insular, having a huge void in my life (doesn’t matter that I have enjoyed 7 good years as an independent single mum with a good job and caring friends) , in need of online dating (which I abhor as it’s so inorganic , to be frank, but thank you ), not setting enough boundaries (although I try not to entertain calls at night or on weekends and hv not been “flirtatious” at all - I need to work with him, for goodness sake). Self deluding myself into thinking that this man may possibly be wanting an emotional affair - I mean, his actions don’t matter, only if he verbally admits to wanting an affair. Even considering this question makes me a fool and a harlot- never mind that I’ve not done anything in person nor admitted nor even hinted to him at this crush.  It seems as though I’m guilty of throwing myself at a man who is happily married just by wondering and having “feelings” .

Yes I now have a crush on a married man and yes, if things were different, I would have wanted to date him. But he’s married and I know that and nothing good can come out of it . Please know that nothing has taken place- boundaries are in place, both from him and also me - yes I have those too . Otherwise, we would have long thrown ourselves at each other . Thanks, I have all the answers I needed . [ ] 
 

For those who are trying so hard to warn me of potential heartbreak and who really mean well - thank you, really - very much appreciated.
 

Edited February 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Maylady]

On 2/14/2022 at 12:20 AM, S2B said:

If it’s talk his wife would be unhappy seeing/hearing then you know you are participating in a way that’s hurtful to someone (even if they aren’t aware).

stop the personal interaction. Tell him you’ve decided to keep it strictly work related and remind him he’s married. 

this is up to you to do the right thing - he obviously isn’t going to. 

married men groom potential affair partners - I’d say he’s groomed you well enough that you have strong feelings for him - he wants two women paying attention to him. That should tell you how selfish and self centered he really is. He’s a man who’s willing to mistreat his own wife! Tell him you aren’t playing that role for him anymore.

don’t hesitate to point out how inappropriate he’s been considering he’s the ones who’s married.

I've noticed that we all tend to blame the man in these situations.  Jumping to the conclusion that this married man is grooming her and has something sly on his mind.  From the OP's description,  I see no evidence of this man grooming her at all.  I see the OP sort of grooming him, frankly.

I just wonder why us women tend to put it in the man?

OP....you sound a lot like I was in my affair.   It started out very similar.  I find I, like you, was the one who had more feelings for the married man than he had for me.  It all blew up in my face.  

Please dont go down this road.

[Wiseman2]

On 2/13/2022 at 9:37 AM, VolubleArmour said:

I have been divorced many years and am generally doing well- I love my independence and have a very good support network.

Ok, then this just a work crush and someone to talk to since you are not interested in dating anyone.

[NuevoYorko]

I'm being reminded more and more frequently how much better most of our lives would be if we would simply take care of our side of the street, be accountable for our own behavior and its consequences, and to just keep things simple.  

In this case, OP:  it's quite a stretch to read this as either an EA or a "close friendship."   I'm just seeing an opportunity for you to work on your boundary issues.  That's about you, not this man, regardless of his intentions or state of his family life.  

 

[VolubleArmour]

4 hours ago, Maylady said:

I've noticed that we all tend to blame the man in these situations.  Jumping to the conclusion that this married man is grooming her and has something sly on his mind.  From the OP's description,  I see no evidence of this man grooming her at all.  I see the OP sort of grooming him, frankly.

I just wonder why us women tend to put it in the man?

OP....you sound a lot like I was in my affair.   It started out very similar.  I find I, like you, was the one who had more feelings for the married man than he had for me.  It all blew up in my face.  

Please dont go down this road.

Grooming him? In what way? [ ] I didn’t realise I was, just by talking to him or allowing him to talk to me . 

Edited February 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
sarcastic wording

[VolubleArmour]

10 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm being reminded more and more frequently how much better most of our lives would be if we would simply take care of our side of the street, be accountable for our own behavior and its consequences, and to just keep things simple.  

In this case, OP:  it's quite a stretch to read this as either an EA or a "close friendship."   I'm just seeing an opportunity for you to work on your boundary issues.  That's about you, not this man, regardless of his intentions or state of his family life.  

 

Thank you for your reply. While I most definitely disagree that this is not a close friendship (I think I would know more than anyone here) - I take your point about the importance of my own boundaries. 

[Maylady]

43 minutes ago, VolubleArmour said:

Grooming him? In what way? Pray tell- I didn’t realise I was, just by talking to him or allowing him to talk to me . 

I just meant other comments from people here are so quick to put it all on the married man.  He's grooming you some said.  But you've told us nothing that suggests he's doing that. 

I suppose I was trying to be devils advocate in proposing to say you're grooming him.  

I just know from my situation.  Us women tend to look at men like predators and we are victims.  

It's harsh on men....when us women ourselves are predators as well in these situations..just in a different way.

[stillafool]

53 minutes ago, Maylady said:

t's harsh on men....when us women ourselves are predators as well in these situations..just in a different way.

Truer words have never been spoken and i'm glad someone realizes this.

[Lisa]

OP has stated "Thanks, I have all the answers I needed" and the thread has now been closed.  Thank you all for your participation

Edited February 21, 2022 by Lisa