2nd date unsure whats happening

[Braytc]

I am a 22 (M) seeing 18 (F).
We met online and have been talking a lot.

I've been on a lot of dates at this point and i cant really recall a time where we didnt kiss after the first date and every date. Our first date went great, we talked for like 3 hours and had a great time. Right after the first date she was saying all the things we should do and made plans the following weekend without me even asking. After the first date the kiss kind of felt forced since i always want to show my interest in them by kissing after but she only did a quick kiss and then left, didnt really feel like she wanted to that much.

So we've still been talking the same amount as we've been, every day we text all day. She asked me to come over to her college dorm this weekend for a 2nd date again without me even asking. But what she said was "just letting you know i want to take this slow, so no sex right now." Im not really sure what she ment by that. 

So i went to her place this weekend and we were there for like 4 hours and had a great tine. After this date we didnt really kiss at all. But yet again still talking

Does anyone know why she seems really interested but doesnt do anything physically intimate or affectionate? 

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, Braytc said:

she said was "just letting you know i want to take this slow, so no sex right now." Im not really sure what she ment by that. 

It's clear she wants to get to know you better and date for a while first.

Her statement was not in hieroglyphics, it was quite straight forward.

[Braytc]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's clear she wants to get to know you better and date for a while first.

Her statement was not in hieroglyphics, it was quite straight forward.

But no kissing, nothing physical at all? What exactly is "slow" and what am i supposed to do? 

[stillafool]

Pull her into your arms, hold her tight and give her a long kiss.  Do it!

[ShyViolet]

This is a girl who you've been on TWO dates with.  Just because she hasn't wanted to get physical on the first or second date, doesn't mean that she is opposed to physical intimacy.  It's been TWO dates.  She told you clearly that she wants to take it slow.  I would think that physical intimacy will probably start happening more over the next few dates.  

If she is still avoiding any physical intimacy later on, when it's been like 6 or 8 or 10 dates, then that's different, then it may become an issue.  And if you're not ok with it, then you need to walk away and accept that you and her want different things.

[basil67]

Just a couple of weeks ago, I was discussing the first date kiss with my daughter who's your age.   She said that it's totally weird when a guy goes in for a kiss after a first date where there's been no mutual flirting.  It's like "whoa...where did that come from?" and that kiss will be pretty much unwelcome.   Compare that to a kiss following a first date which has sparks and she will be totally up for it.

To break it down further, show your interest with flirting. If the flirting is mutual and continued, the kiss will be wanted and reciprocated.

 

 

[Braytc]

On 2/13/2022 at 4:39 PM, ShyViolet said:

This is a girl who you've been on TWO dates with.  Just because she hasn't wanted to get physical on the first or second date, doesn't mean that she is opposed to physical intimacy.  It's been TWO dates.  She told you clearly that she wants to take it slow.  I would think that physical intimacy will probably start happening more over the next few dates.  

If she is still avoiding any physical intimacy later on, when it's been like 6 or 8 or 10 dates, then that's different, then it may become an issue.  And if you're not ok with it, then you need to walk away and accept that you and her want different things.

What does take slow mean to you? Im just not sure what exactly to do, she doesnt flirt or do anything physical even little things. I went to her dorm that she invited me to on saturday and we watched a movie but doesnt even get close to me. We went to hang out with her friends and thats about it.

Now this week she's been much more distant, doesnt really say much, maybe she's busy idk but she's completely different than she was the past 2 weeks for some reason. Idk if i should ask her to see if she wants to talk about it or if that will make things worse?

[Braytc]

On 2/13/2022 at 5:17 PM, basil67 said:

Just a couple of weeks ago, I was discussing the first date kiss with my daughter who's your age.   She said that it's totally weird when a guy goes in for a kiss after a first date where there's been no mutual flirting.  It's like "whoa...where did that come from?" and that kiss will be pretty much unwelcome.   Compare that to a kiss following a first date which has sparks and she will be totally up for it.

To break it down further, show your interest with flirting. If the flirting is mutual and continued, the kiss will be wanted and reciprocated.

 

 

Ive gone on many dates I'm not going to lie, way more than the average person goes on because i never get to a relationship level with anyone. Out of like 30 dates maybe 2 of them didnt have any interest in kissing and maybe 5 of them i had no interest in kissing them, but for all the other ones we kissed multiple times. It just seems odd to me

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Braytc said:

Im just not sure what exactly to do, she doesnt flirt or do anything physical even little things. I went to her dorm that she invited me to on saturday and we watched a movie but doesnt even get close to me. We went to hang out with her friends and thats about it.

This isn't dating, what you've got is a nice friendship.

She's very young, still a teenager so it's possible she's not aware of the difference, BUT once she meets a guy who turns her on, his presence hits her in all the right places, trust me she won't be so hesitant to kiss or get physical. 

It's nothing she will even have to think about, it's natural, organic, a byproduct of her strong attraction.

I'm sorry to say but you are not that man.

You are in her friendship orbit, it's not dating.

 

Edited February 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Braytc said:

I'm just not sure what exactly to do, she doesnt flirt or do anything physical even little things. I went to her dorm that she invited me to on saturday and we watched a movie but doesnt even get close to me. We went to hang out with her friends and thats about it.

Do you flirt with her, touch her face or hair?  Did you get close to her?  Young girls probably want you to take the lead.

[clia]

She's only 18.  You are a total stranger -- she may not want your tongue down her throat yet.  There is nothing wrong with her not wanting to get physical with you yet.  Personally, I never wanted to kiss a guy until I got to know him better.  None of us can predict her pace, but as she gets to know you better and feels more comfortable, she will warm up to doing physical things.  If you are impatient, then move along to the next girl, since it sounds like you have no trouble finding girls who will kiss you. 

Edited February 15, 2022 by clia

[Braytc]

50 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Do you flirt with her, touch her face or hair?  Did you get close to her?  Young girls probably want you to take the lead.

How am i supposed to know literally 60% of people on here say "she wants to take it slow, respect that and go at her pace, she will tell you when she's ready. Dont force or pressure her" then the other 40% saying "you need to make a move"  so im not really sure lol

[Braytc]

41 minutes ago, clia said:

She's only 18.  You are a total stranger -- she may not want your tongue down her throat yet.  There is nothing wrong with her not wanting to get physical with you yet.  Personally, I never wanted to kiss a guy until I got to know him better.  None of us can predict her pace, but as she gets to know you better and feels more comfortable, she will warm up to doing physical things.  If you are impatient, then move along to the next girl, since it sounds like you have no trouble finding girls who will kiss you. 

I like her a lot we get along really well and conversation feels really good. She's extremely cute etc. If i didnt think a lot of her i wouldnt bother here but i do. I want to make moves but dont want to push her away or freak her out. Some people say you need to do that and others say dont.

Should i ask her what we're doing? I'm even worried about asking her about it cause it might seem pushy 

[Braytc]

59 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

This isn't dating, what you've got is a nice friendship.

She's very young, still a teenager so it's possible she's not aware of the difference, BUT once she meets a guy who turns her on, his presence hits her in all the right places, trust me she won't be so hesitant to kiss or get physical. 

It's nothing she will even have to think about, it's natural, organic, a byproduct of her strong attraction.

I'm sorry to say but you are not that man.

You are in her friendship orbit, it's not dating.

 

Why are you the only person from like 20 other posts that actually said this, I'm just curious

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, Braytc said:

Why are you the only person from like 20 other posts that actually said this, I'm just curious

Perhaps because I am an independent thinker, I don't go along with the crowd.  I am also extremely perceptive and have quite a bit of experience.

I am not suggesting the others don't have valid points, they do, but I have witnessed what you are experiencing, and I have also been that girl.

I found myself in relationships with men who, well, didn't quite "do it" for me.  I even got engaged to a couple of them.  I thought it was "normal" to feel that way, not really enjoying kissing or physical affection.

Until I met a man in my mid 20s who absolutely knocked my socks off and I could not keep my hands off him!  We had sex literally the first night we met and were together six years.

Anyway, you don't have to go along with it, it's up to you.

Just my take, tis all.

Edited February 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, Braytc said:

Why are you the only person from like 20 other posts that actually said this, I'm just curious

@poppyfields isn't the only one.  My post pointed out that if there was no chemistry, this would explain not kissing you.   Yes, Poppy and my approaches were worded very differently, but the outcome of her not being attracted enough to kiss is the same.

[FMW]

She may be very inexperienced, and if so, no matter how interested she is in you she's not going to be like other more experienced girls you've been with.  If you like her, give her a chance. 

[Braytc]

43 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Perhaps because I am an independent thinker, I don't go along with the crowd.  I am also extremely perceptive and have quite a bit of experience.

I am not suggesting the others don't have valid points, they do, but I have witnessed what you are experiencing, and I have also been that girl.

I found myself in relationships with men who, well, didn't quite "do it" for me.  I even got engaged to a couple of them.  I thought it was "normal" to feel that way, not really enjoying kissing or physical affection.

Until I met a man in my mid 20s who absolutely knocked my socks off and I could not keep my hands off him!  We had sex literally the first night we met and were together six years.

Anyway, you don't have to go along with it, it's up to you.

Just my take, tis all.

I mean i know many girls that were crazy about me but never thought about sex the first or even second date. I've dated probably over 80-90 people at this point and never really saw anyone do that. Plenty i was crazy about and plenty that were crazy about me but either way it never was that quick. I cant imagine many being like you but i do wish i found someone like that. Would take a lot of the guessing and games out of it

Why would she be setting up future plans talking about all the places we will go during the first date. Then after that week text me saying "i want to take this slow so sex is not on the table right now" then say "want to come to my dorm this weekend"

If someone is explicitly stating no sex but inviting you to their dorm, how the hell does anyone handle that?

[Braytc]

45 minutes ago, FMW said:

She may be very inexperienced, and if so, no matter how interested she is in you she's not going to be like other more experienced girls you've been with.  If you like her, give her a chance. 

See so many people are saying different things. And thats what i originally thought, maybe shes 18 and hasnt done much i didnt ask her about her past relationships cause idk if thats a good thing to talk about or how much "experience" she has but maybe she just is shy with men? I've seen it in other girls that really like someone but just are afraid

 

[Braytc]

51 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@poppyfields isn't the only one.  My post pointed out that if there was no chemistry, this would explain not kissing you.   Yes, Poppy and my approaches were worded very differently, but the outcome of her not being attracted enough to kiss is the same.

But thats the thing. After the first date i would 100% go along with you on that, i really would. Idk if she "didnt want to kiss" i mean we hugged then i looked at her and we kissed it was kind of mutual but it was quick that's all. Ive never once in my entire life continued initiating conversation every day, and invited someone to my house/dorm for a 2nd date when not attracted to them. Do you see how everything is conflicting? Why would she do that

Edited February 15, 2022 by Braytc

[basil67]

Inviting a man to a dorm when sex is not desired is a rookie error.  But she is a rookie, so she will make those errors.   Inviting you to her dorm means nothing more than she'd like to hang out with you. 

She may see potential for something to come of this down the line, or she may see you as a buddy.   At this point, you can either continue as things are and see where it goes or you could move on.

[Braytc]

15 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Inviting a man to a dorm when sex is not desired is a rookie error.  But she is a rookie, so she will make those errors.   Inviting you to her dorm means nothing more than she'd like to hang out with you. 

She may see potential for something to come of this down the line, or she may see you as a buddy.   At this point, you can either continue as things are and see where it goes or you could move on.

While we were in her dorm and talking about things she called it a "2nd date" so what does that mean do you think? She's like "i know just hanging in my dorm mightve been a lame second date"

Im going to continue as we are for sure, i just dont know how to try to progress since i would like more if possible. Should i message her asking what we are doing or what is going on between us? Should i just keep going out with her, if she wants to, and wait for her to make a move? Should i make a move and just risk it freaking her out? It's like the most confusing thing

[basil67]

Ok, then it's a second date.  And the second date involves hanging out like mates.

While I know that you're young and full of hormones, would it kill you to just slow down a little and wait for her to catch up?   You should be able to read when she becomes ready for each step.  

[Braytc]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Ok, then it's a second date.  And the second date involves hanging out like mates.

While I know that you're young and full of hormones, would it kill you to just slow down a little and wait for her to catch up?   You should be able to read when she becomes ready for each step.  

I'm pretty sure she's probably done now anyways her texting has been completely different. No longer messages me all day like she was before.

I am going slow, when did i say I'm not. I'm doing whatever she wants to do, shes not doing anything physical with me so I'm not doing anything physical with her. We just hung out and talked. Nothing changed. I never said we had to have sex or something it's just nice to kiss someone to show something more than friends 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Braytc said:

I'm pretty sure she's probably done now anyways her texting has been completely different. No longer messages me all day like she was before.

Yeah, she might have lost interest. 

She's very young. I was fickle when I was an 18-year-old girl too. Enjoyed the attention of some guys but once I'd had my fill, I was off to the next shiny object that caught my attention. 

Might be best to just leave this one be, OP.