Girlfriend didn't shut down Flirting Male Orbiters

[Amerthyst]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, you've got it so completely wrong. 

What you should have done is tell them that it's her decision, and to ask her instead. Put the responsibility back where it belongs - on her. She isn't a possession to be "handed over" or not. She's a grown-ass woman capable of making her own choices. And if you don't like those choices, you walk away. 

But you're so bowled over by her looks that you won't. You will wait until she's had her fill of you and leaves on her own. That's what usually happens when you date someone for the wrong reasons. 

Sorry I have to disagree, you are the one who's got it Wrong and 'Beach' has got it right

[Amerthyst]

On 2/14/2022 at 2:15 AM, RatherMeh said:

When they asked if you minded if they danced with your girlfriend, I would have said "Yeah, but only vertically" then given them the old 2 fingers up to my eyes, then dart the fingers to their eyes, meaning "I'm watching you". Then actually watched them, then half way through their little dance I'd have got between them (it's a legit move as I'm her bf), out-danced them, and led her away back into my clutch. 

1) You don't look possessive because you let them dance with her, 2) you set the rules and framed the situation, 3) you get her back in the end, because you're playing by your rules. 

That sounds a really bad idea to me

[RatherMeh]

Just now, Amerthyst said:

That sounds a really bad idea to me

Why? You're just playing the game. That's what all this is between you, her, and them: a game.

It has to be done with a humorous delivery, but this would totally work for me. 

[ExpatInItaly]

16 minutes ago, Amerthyst said:

Sorry I have to disagree, you are the one who's got it Wrong and 'Beach' has got it right

Disagree. But, I'll leave it here since you've apparently found an answer that satisfies you. 

Good luck with this woman, OP. You're going to need it. 

Edited February 15, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Amerthyst]

17 minutes ago, RatherMeh said:

Why? You're just playing the game. That's what all this is between you, her, and them: a game.

It has to be done with a humorous delivery, but this would totally work for me. 

Hi no offence intended but I'd look a Total Muppet if I  played games like that

'Beach' has really got a handle on it

[RatherMeh]

11 minutes ago, Amerthyst said:

Hi no offence intended but I'd look a Total Muppet if I  played games like that

'Beach' has really got a handle on it

Ah ok, I get what you mean. 

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

In summation

Interesting take...

 

9 hours ago, Amerthyst said:

Do I Trust her, No I don't!

But She's such Fun to be with that She's almost an addiction and one of those very rare Girls that I'll never forget for as long as I live

Though after having said that I think eventually She's got to go

So I think I need to make it clear that if She ever Shows me up in that way again, then I will be walking and never coming back

For a longer term relationship trust is extremely important and hard to "live without". It will be interesting how she responds if you "show spine" about it. Might be the end, might not. I'd suggest that you NOT make any empty threats, which may indeed mean the end. However, if you can' live with her behavior, then that's probably inevitable anyhow.

 

[Amerthyst]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Interesting take...

 

For a longer term relationship trust is extremely important and hard to "live without". It will be interesting how she responds if you "show spine" about it. Might be the end, might not. I'd suggest that you NOT make any empty threats, which may indeed mean the end. However, if you can' live with her behavior, then that's probably inevitable anyhow.

 

Hi Mark

Don't think I've forgotten about your previous post as you came across to me as another Super Intelligent Guy like 'Beach' and as such would like to give you an in depth reply, so please hang in there as I feel that I Chime with you Two as my Soul Mates who seem to understand a guy like me

But here's a thought to conjure with, perhaps I am the one who's playing her! as I'm not a 'Billy No Mates' and do have other options with more sensible girls who wouldn't dream of ever behaving like she did

Though if you and 'Beach' have some time on your hands

Since those 'Dudes' were asking 'ME' if they could dance with my Girlfriend rather than asking HER if you may be able to think up the 'Ultimate Response' to shut those Orbiters down I'd love to hear it, rather than just say 'You better ask her' as they were very clearly trying to put me on the Spot and although I also consider myself a very intelligent guy

Unfortunately on that Night they Succeeded, with a 'Pick Up Artist' question that came right out of left field and one I really wasn't ready for!

Everyone else is most welcome to join in with that one if they want to but please don't expect a long reply as it would take for ever to try and thank you all

[vla1120]

I agree with Beach AND with ExpatInItaly. Your girlfriend should have sent a clear message that she was with you and not interested in talking to or dancing with them. If that were the case, then when they asked you if they could dance with her, you could have said "Ask her" with the confidence that she would have handled the situation without embarrassing you. Those dudes were not the problem. Your girlfriend is the problem. Maybe because of her beauty, she thinks it is okay to behave in this manner and disrespect your relationship. There are certainly beautiful women in the world who do NOT behave in this manner, so if you choose to stay with her because of her beauty, I guess you'll have to be prepared to accept her questionable character flaws, as well. Personally, I don't think she's the one for you, unless you enjoy your girlfriend constantly pushing the boundaries with her flirtation habit.

[smackie9]

So I have to pull out the old lyrics to Trini Lopez's song "if you want to be happy" once again. 

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Don't make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall
As soon as he marries her, then she starts
Doin' the things that will break his heart
But if you make an ugly woman your wife
You'll be happy for the rest of your life
An ugly woman cooks your meals on time
An she'll always give you peace of mind

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Don't make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you
 

Edited February 15, 2022 by smackie9

[poppyfields]

8 hours ago, Amerthyst said:

Sorry I have to disagree, you are the one who's got it Wrong and 'Beach' has got it right

How is what Beach said any different from what Expat said?  They both said essentially the SAME thing!

Beach said this:

"Your girl should have recognized this and put an end to it right there and then.  She didn't, and that to me is also disrespectful.  It doesn't matter how she feels about flirting.  What matters is it is hurting you.  If she cared about you and her relationship with you, she'd acknowledge that."

It's exactly what Expat said, different words, same meaning.  That your girlfriend is disrespectful to you and your relationship and that it's up to HER to tell these men to take a hike.

It's her responsibility, NOT yours.

If she continues the disrespectful behavior, you leave, period.

That is how you maintain your own self-respect and you may be surprised that SHE may even respect you more for it as well and beg for a second chance.

Edited February 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

On 2/13/2022 at 8:56 PM, Amerthyst said:

Pre-Pandemic we went away on a Boat Trip with a group of people they have a bit of a disco on board

How long ago was this incident? Have you gotten along with each other since? Are you still together?

It was polite for the guy to ask you if it was ok to dance with her when they realized you were together.

It's a disco. People dance, it doesn't mean much other than socializing.

Try to relax and feel more confident that she's with you, not them. Yes guys saw her alone and talked to her. In a disco setting that is to be expected.

[Amerthyst]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

How is what Beach said any different from what Expat said?  They both said essentially the SAME thing!

Beach said this:

"Your girl should have recognized this and put an end to it right there and then.  She didn't, and that to me is also disrespectful.  It doesn't matter how she feels about flirting.  What matters is it is hurting you.  If she cared about you and her relationship with you, she'd acknowledge that."

It's exactly what Expat said, different words, same meaning.  That your girlfriend is disrespectful to you and your relationship and that it's up to HER to tell these men to take a hike.

It's her responsibility, NOT yours.

If she continues the disrespectful behavior, you leave, period.

That is how you maintain your own self-respect and you may be surprised that SHE may even respect you more for it as well and beg for a second chance.

You can choose your Friends but not your Relatives and so its up to me to decide who I want beside me in the Trenches, even if that's only based on my intuition alone

[Amerthyst]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long ago was this incident? Have you gotten along with each other since? Are you still together?

It was polite for the guy to ask you if it was ok to dance with her when they realized you were together.

It's a disco. People dance, it doesn't mean much other than socializing.

Try to relax and feel more confident that she's with you, not them. Yes guys saw her alone and talked to her. In a disco setting that is to be expected.

I didn't see it as being Polite, these two Pick Up Artists (or pick up artist and Wingman) as I believe you call them knew exactly what they were doing and so did I

As soon as they knew that She was with me, they could have just said 'Sorry Mate' and backed off, as there were plenty of groups of single girls that they could have hit on

Though possibly didn't do so, as they knew those girls would be able to see right through them and quite possibly feared the brush off that they knew they were going to get as in very general Terms Girls don't really like to seem that easy to Guys who are only after one thing (although there are always exceptions)

Where I've seen at first hand when a Girl turns you down, then they can all turn you down and those Dudes just didn't want that, although I'm very pleased to say that Karma got them in the end, as they spent the rest of the night all alone just propping up the Bar

And Yes! we are still together but more on that later

[basil67]

On 2/14/2022 at 12:56 PM, Amerthyst said:

My 22 Year old Girlfriend is a Leo so maybe not the ideal match for a Capricorn Guy like me as She is very friendly and outgoing and tends to attract Male Orbiters like Bees to a Jar of Honey but when we met 2 years ago the Chemistry was there right from the start

<snip>

Pre-Pandemic we went away on a Boat Trip with a group of people who do that sort of stuff, everyone was friendly but nobody crossed the line

 

I missed the timeline on this.   You said that you met her two years ago and that this incident was pre-pandemic.   So basically, this happened in the very early days of your relationship, two years ago.

Why are you ruminating on it now?   Are there ongoing issues with trust or the relationship in general?

[Amerthyst]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

So I have to pull out the old lyrics to Trini Lopez's song "if you want to be happy" once again. 

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Don't make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall
As soon as he marries her, then she starts
Doin' the things that will break his heart
But if you make an ugly woman your wife
You'll be happy for the rest of your life
An ugly woman cooks your meals on time
An she'll always give you peace of mind

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Don't make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you
 

Hi smackie9

Nice one!

And I love your sense of humor, although for me living life that way would be so boring that I would rather be burnt to a Crisp in the Flames of Passion, where when I come to think of it, I've done that Gig already!

[Amerthyst]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I missed the timeline on this.   You said that you met her two years ago and that this incident was pre-pandemic.   So basically, this happened in the very early days of your relationship, two years ago.

Why are you ruminating on it now?   Are there ongoing issues with trust or the relationship in general?

Hi Basil

Pre-pandemic was a bit of a generalization but yes I still think about it, because for once I was lost for words and didn't have a killer answer on me to snap back with, which will be a constant source of annoyance until I do! 

[Amerthyst]

4 hours ago, vla1120 said:

I agree with Beach AND with ExpatInItaly. Your girlfriend should have sent a clear message that she was with you and not interested in talking to or dancing with them. If that were the case, then when they asked you if they could dance with her, you could have said "Ask her" with the confidence that she would have handled the situation without embarrassing you. Those dudes were not the problem. Your girlfriend is the problem. Maybe because of her beauty, she thinks it is okay to behave in this manner and disrespect your relationship. There are certainly beautiful women in the world who do NOT behave in this manner, so if you choose to stay with her because of her beauty, I guess you'll have to be prepared to accept her questionable character flaws, as well. Personally, I don't think she's the one for you, unless you enjoy your girlfriend constantly pushing the boundaries with her flirtation habit.

Hi via1120

I don't think that She is the one for me either! 

And I made it clear from the very start that Marriage was completely out of the question, so she would never be able to accuse me of wasting her time

Its not so much her Beauty but much more her Charisma, which you've either got or haven't got and so in some ways I can't really blame her for flirting as just like Bat Man's Cryptonite it would be a waste to have something like that and not use it, even though its hurtful when she does

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, Amerthyst said:

Its not so much her Beauty but much more her Charisma, which you've either got or haven't got and so in some ways I can't really blame her for flirting as just like Bat Man's Cryptonite it would be a waste to have something like that and not use it, even though its hurtful when she does

Oh man that is quite a spin!   Having charisma does not give her (or anyone else possessing such charisma) license to treat their partners so disrespectfully and frankly deplorably; they use their charisma wisely and with integrity and treat others, especially their partners with respect and kindness.

But I suppose saying you can't blame her (like she is some victim of possessing so much "charisma") is easier than acknowledging what a horrid girlfriend she is because if you were to acknowledge that, you might be forced to leave her otherwise you'd be deemed a chump, and that is something that obviously you are not ready to do.

It's a form of denial, actually.  Not uncommon.

In any event, good luck.

 

 

 

Edited February 16, 2022 by poppyfields

[Beachead]

@Amerthyst

6 hours ago, Amerthyst said:

Since those 'Dudes' were asking 'ME' if they could dance with my Girlfriend rather than asking HER if you may be able to think up the 'Ultimate Response' to shut those Orbiters down I'd love to hear it, rather than just say 'You better ask her' as they were very clearly trying to put me on the Spot and although I also consider myself a very intelligent guy

Well firstly, the important thing to recognize is a good dude wouldn't do this to another. Even if they are a stranger.   It's usually the shady, unbalanced characters who do, in which case aggressive responses or anger might escalate the situation into a direct confrontation..and I know people like this are probably looking for it.  So do yourself a favor and don't. Especially when it's just you and your girl and you don't have your mates to back you up.  Use your brain, be situationally aware and choose a response that protects you as well.   When you wake up the next morning in your own bed with your own teeth, you'll thank yourself.

@vla1120 response, "Ask her" is a very good one for that reason. It shows no aggression or defensiveness. 

It also respects your girl, and shows you are trusting her to do the right thing and putting the accountability into her hands, where it should be.  Whatever she chooses, is going to be on her, and you can decide what you want to do then.  

It's a secure response, from all angles.

- Beach

 

 

Edited February 16, 2022 by Beachead

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Amerthyst said:

Hi Basil

Pre-pandemic was a bit of a generalization but yes I still think about it, because for once I was lost for words and didn't have a killer answer on me to snap back with, which will be a constant source of annoyance until I do! 

Getting annoyed at something you didn't say ~2 years ago?  Have you considered what a waste of your time and effort this is?

Regarding the perfect response, I'd suggest you consider how neanderthal this whole exchange was.  Them asking you if they could dance with your girlfriend and you thinking that you had the right to agree or refuse.   And then there's the bit on how your answer would reflect on you.

To reiterate what I wrote previously, any response other than "she makes her own decisions mate" would reflect that you don't give your girlfriend autonomy.  That there is a degree of ownership in your response.

Lastly, I just saw that you said you've made it clear that you're never marrying her.  If she knew this at the time of the flirting, it's highly likely that she wasn't taking you all that seriously.  That she may have seen you as someone to fill in while she was looking for Mr Right who wants to marry her.  

 

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, Amerthyst said:

But here's a thought to conjure with, perhaps I am the one who's playing her! as I'm not a 'Billy No Mates' and do have other options with more sensible girls

It doesn't sound like you're playing her, it sounds like you'd be confident to move on if she continues to cross the line. Although one never knows and can certainly hope for the best, I suspect that's what will happen. Most likely (IMO) she'll insist on her "right" to flirt, but then back down IF you actually break up/start to leave. However, then she'll eventually want to start up with it again (figuring this will blow over after a while) and may even surprise you by doing it again spontaneously on a night out, "testing your resolve" etc. It will then be on you to carry through and actually break up.

I could always be wrong, to my mind this is the most likely way things play out. The option I mentioned above would be one way to forestall this and "compromise". However, that's by no means necessary to do + if you feel you really can't trust her and have plenty of other options, there is not actually much of a need to prolong things.

Edited February 16, 2022 by mark clemson

[Amerthyst]

12 hours ago, RatherMeh said:

Ah ok, I get what you mean. 

Hi RatherMeh

Since you talk about Framing and Stuff, I'm guessing you may be Familiar with Pick Up Artist Techniques or maybe not as the case maybe so no Offence intended if I picked up the wrong Vibe, although I think I've finally managed to find the Answer to that impossible question

That so far no one has managed to come back with, which is very important to me as it really knocked me off center and as such seemed to portray me or should I say betray me as the possessive Boyfriend that some despise so much

So good or bad for better or worse: Please let me know what you think and you can even give it a tweak if you want to and that goes for others as well

OK lets have a Rewind and Re-set the Scene

Girlfriend is Chatting with our Group, which is fine by me, while I go off to the Bar to get some drinks

But when I return the Two Strange Dudes are hitting on my Girlfriend, even though there are other Single Girls in our Group who may have been more than happy to oblige them but they were lacking Charisma and my Girlfriends Trademark 5000 Watt Smile, that tends to cause more trouble than you could ever believe!

Anyway to Continue:

Both of them are Clearly trying to Pull her, which turns into a Flirtathon as She doesn't make any attempt to Close them down

At which point they then ask ME if they can ask HER for a Dance, which I perceive as them trying to Trap me with the over possessive Boyfriend routine, which I've seen used by others many times before and then once they get friendly then all bets are off

At the Time in Question I said NO and even had to say it more than once, which with the benefit of hindsight must have made me look and feel very under confident and weak, which really spoiled the Trip for me, as I had some Plans for her when we got back to our Cabin, after what was promising to be a Great Night out

As just in case anyone doesn't know, nothing turns a Girl on more than going on a Boat Trip like the one that we were on although you cannot put your heart and soul into making love to someone that you are on the verge of falling out with not least because of the Simmering Resentment that you feel, towards someone who came close to making you look a fool

What I think I should have said when these Dudes tried it on, was

Sorry but you've been Sussed out as a Pick Up Artist and his Wing-man, who want to practice your Pick Up Techniques on my Girlfriend, so on Yer Bike because the Answer is NO!

So basically I'm Re-Framing it (as I believe its called?) So I'm not saying NO you can't have a Dance! to NO you're not using my Girlfriend as a bit of Target Practice, where in other words I I'm simply standing up for Her and Protecting her Honor from these two Chancers

Pick the bones out of that RatherMeh and let me know what you think

And by the way what you said inspired me to come up with this!

 

[RatherMeh]

11 minutes ago, Amerthyst said:

Hi RatherMeh

Since you talk about Framing and Stuff, I'm guessing you may be Familiar with Pick Up Artist Techniques or maybe not as the case maybe so no Offence intended if I picked up the wrong Vibe, although I think I've finally managed to find the Answer to that impossible question

That so far no one has managed to come back with, which is very important to me as it really knocked me off center and as such seemed to portray me or should I say betray me as the possessive Boyfriend that some despise so much

So good or bad for better or worse: Please let me know what you think and you can even give it a tweak if you want to and that goes for others as well

OK lets have a Rewind and Re-set the Scene

Girlfriend is Chatting with our Group, which is fine by me, while I go off to the Bar to get some drinks

But when I return the Two Strange Dudes are hitting on my Girlfriend, even though there are other Single Girls in our Group who may have been more than happy to oblige them but they were lacking Charisma and my Girlfriends Trademark 5000 Watt Smile, that tends to cause more trouble than you could ever believe!

Anyway to Continue:

Both of them are Clearly trying to Pull her, which turns into a Flirtathon as She doesn't make any attempt to Close them down

At which point they then ask ME if they can ask HER for a Dance, which I perceive as them trying to Trap me with the over possessive Boyfriend routine, which I've seen used by others many times before and then once they get friendly then all bets are off

At the Time in Question I said NO and even had to say it more than once, which with the benefit of hindsight must have made me look and feel very under confident and weak, which really spoiled the Trip for me, as I had some Plans for her when we got back to our Cabin, after what was promising to be a Great Night out

As just in case anyone doesn't know, nothing turns a Girl on more than going on a Boat Trip like the one that we were on although you cannot put your heart and soul into making love to someone that you are on the verge of falling out with not least because of the Simmering Resentment that you feel, towards someone who came close to making you look a fool

What I think I should have said when these Dudes tried it on, was

Sorry but you've been Sussed out as a Pick Up Artist and his Wing-man, who want to practice your Pick Up Techniques on my Girlfriend, so on Yer Bike because the Answer is NO!

So basically I'm Re-Framing it (as I believe its called?) So I'm not saying NO you can't have a Dance! to NO you're not using my Girlfriend as a bit of Target Practice, where in other words I I'm simply standing up for Her and Protecting her Honor from these two Chancers

Pick the bones out of that RatherMeh and let me know what you think

And by the way what you said inspired me to come up with this!

 

I'm not a pick up artist. I'm way too tired for that crap. Plus, I never pick up women. To me they're not worth the hassle. I don't bother having relationships with women, and I lack the desire to do so. 

Also, don't worry mate, I never take offence at anything. 

Ok, let's imagine you said this:

Quote

Sorry but you've been Sussed out as a Pick Up Artist and his Wing-man, who want to practice your Pick Up Techniques on my Girlfriend, so on Yer Bike because the Answer is NO!

 

Now let's imagine you said a scaled down version of that:

Quote

NO!

 

Which answer are they more likely to take note of, and respect?

Edited February 16, 2022 by RatherMeh

[Amerthyst]

3 hours ago, RatherMeh said:

I'm not a pick up artist. I'm way too tired for that crap. Plus, I never pick up women. To me they're not worth the hassle. I don't bother having relationships with women, and I lack the desire to do so. 

Also, don't worry mate, I never take offence at anything. 

Ok, let's imagine you said this:

 

Now let's imagine you said a scaled down version of that:

 

Which answer are they more likely to take note of, and respect?

'No' but that does tends to typify me as the jealous controlling Boyfriend

Where the longer answer achieves the same effect but gives me some credibility into the bargain (so that is the one I prefer)