6 month relationship just vanished before my eyes. the struggle is real.

[AsonUnique]

I met a great woman on a dating app. Our personalities were the same, we enjoyed getting out and doing things together. Took a trip to Vegas in December and saw a UFC event. 

We first met end of July, in early November I introduced her to some friends as my girlfriend and she was surprised because we hadn't "discussed that." Well 2+ months of talking everyday, dating and sleeping together I thought it went without saying we were in a committed relationship. 

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I'd noticed in the past month she'd become a little distant. If I don't suggest and make plans, it feels like we just wouldn't see each other. I finally address it, and she says she's just not emotionally ready for a relationship... we're on different pages.  6 months into a relationship she tells me this. 

We never had 1 fight/disagreement. We stayed at her mom's 2 nights during our trip to Vegas, met each others friends and family...then 2 weeks ago it just...abruptly ended. She said when I assumed we were "together" back in November she just "went along with it and gave it a try but she's just not emotionally ready." I was falling in love and thinking we were building something this whole time and told her I'd MUCH rather she corrected/talked with me back in November than just "go along with it."

Usually you can see a break up coming. I knew we needed to talk about where this is going but had no idea she was leaning towards a total split! She gave no indication she wasn't into it until this past month. I couldn't picture what could break us up before this.

She was one of the sweetest women I'd ever met, let alone dated. So seeing her get cold/distant in a matter of weeks and break it off so seemingly easy made her come off a bit sociopathic to me. She said she can't apologize for her emotions but is sorry how it ended up. This is true about emotions, but she saw how devoted I was to this relationship and I feel she shouldn't have let it go on for 6 months.

I'm getting over the shock of it now. Valentines Day is tomorrow (actually today as it's 3am here) and a month ago I'd never imagine I'd be single for what would've been our first V-day. 

Feels bad man...needing to vent to someone other than my boys who at best just want to go party it off. This was a different experience from anything I'd dealt with before. 

[glows]

I’m so sorry. It seems sociopathic because she’s thought it about it for awhile and her heart wasn’t quite in it to start. Don’t let this stop you from finding love again and opening yourself up to someone. 

I think what you did introducing her as your gf was sweet but it may have taken her aback that there wasn’t a conversation or discussion about that prior. She just wasn’t on the same page. You didn’t do anything wrong. Someone who feels the same way about you would have been thrilled. 

[ExpatInItaly]

46 minutes ago, AsonUnique said:

This is true about emotions, but she saw how devoted I was to this relationship and I feel she shouldn't have let it go on for 6 months.

She porbably shouldn't have, no. 

But she did. So there's not much point agonizing over the "should-haves." They can't be changed. I doubt she is sociopathic, though I can see why it felt it came out of the blue for you. Her increasingly distant behaviour was a clue that something wasn't right. 

Unforunately, it just wasn't a match for her. At least now she has set you free to heal and eventually find someone who is your match. 

[salparadise]

I'm sorry you're hurting, man. It happens to good guys all the time. I don't know what else to say except that you'll recover in time, and you have to try to not let it make you bitter or cynical of all women. That's a big ask though, so you have to really try.

32 minutes ago, AsonUnique said:

seeing her get cold/distant in a matter of weeks and break it off so seemingly easy made her come off a bit sociopathic to me.

I had one do pretty much the same thing after a year and a half. I was all in and thought she was too. There was no conflict or anything, I was blindsided.

Attachment works differently for different people, and generally speaking, for men and women. As men we tend to fall in love with a personality, suitability as a mate, and an undefined feeling of attraction to the individual. With women it usually includes a cost/benefit analysis. They are the choosers, and there usually needs to be value derived in order for them to be dedicated. That's not to say they don't love with emotion or have feelings of deep affection, but it's usually is concurrent with a perception of high value. Sometimes it's wealth, status, or ability to provide a better lifestyle, or it could be less tangible attributes, depending on her priorities. But if they come to believe that there's probably a better deal for them out there... so much for dedication. Google Briffault's Law for the complete theory.

I think we need to remain objective and learn to read the subtle signals, assuming they aren't head over heels. Perhaps she would've put you on the facts if you had had the talk about where it was going.

 

[Yosemite]

2 hours ago, AsonUnique said:

We stayed at her mom's 2 nights during our trip to Vegas, met each others friends and family...then 2 weeks ago it just...abruptly ended.

Maybe her mom didn't think that you were right for her or maybe her friends didn't like you. 

Next time, don't assume exclusivity. Communicate and make sure that you're on the same page. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. It's not odd at all to assume you're in a relationship after 6 mos. dating and integrating lives, intimacy,etc.

Is there a recent ex or on off BF? A 180 like this is often not about you. Maybe someone from her past reappeared or they've been talking all along.

[Beachead]

Sorry that you're going this OP.

Her doing this should tell you she was never in it for the long haul.  Now you know, and that means you're in a better position today than when you were with her because you didn't know back then.  If you were still with her, she'd be wasting your time and you wouldn't even know it.   That would have been the real tragedy.  That's what I've come to realize about people who do this.

It's going to hurt for awhile.  Let your pain be and don't try to rush your healing.  You will process it at your own pace.  Things will be okay.

- Beach

Edited February 14, 2022 by Beachead

[AsonUnique]

20 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I doubt she is sociopathic, though I can see why it felt it came out of the blue for you.

I wasn't trying to diagnose her as a sociopath, it just felt that way to me. As I've had time to process I can see the signs that she was distancing and should've spoken to her a month ago when I first noticed. 

19 hours ago, Yosemite said:

Next time, don't assume exclusivity. Communicate and make sure that you're on the same page. 

One thing I did learn from this was to communicate our status. Since high school I've always gone by feel, can't recall the last time I asked someone I was dating if we were exclusive.  After 2 months of dating I assumed wrong with this one...

19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is there a recent ex or on off BF? A 180 like this is often not about you. Maybe someone from her past reappeared or they've been talking all along.

I did say it felt like she met someone else and she said it wasn't that at all. I believe her.

I wish that I knew what made the switch flip because for 4.5 months she seemed as into it as I was. Now I'm trying not to think about her and let her float away to a memory that doesn't effect me when she pops up in my head. Of course since it's been just a couple weeks, I really struggle to get her out of my mind. 

Thanks Beach and everyone for letting me bounce my thoughts off you. V-day is over with thankfully.

[bjobrien]

On 2/14/2022 at 9:28 AM, AsonUnique said:

I met a great woman on a dating app. Our personalities were the same, we enjoyed getting out and doing things together. Took a trip to Vegas in December and saw a UFC event. 

We first met end of July, in early November I introduced her to some friends as my girlfriend and she was surprised because we hadn't "discussed that." Well 2+ months of talking everyday, dating and sleeping together I thought it went without saying we were in a committed relationship. 

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I'd noticed in the past month she'd become a little distant. If I don't suggest and make plans, it feels like we just wouldn't see each other. I finally address it, and she says she's just not emotionally ready for a relationship... we're on different pages.  6 months into a relationship she tells me this. 

We never had 1 fight/disagreement. We stayed at her mom's 2 nights during our trip to Vegas, met each others friends and family...then 2 weeks ago it just...abruptly ended. She said when I assumed we were "together" back in November she just "went along with it and gave it a try but she's just not emotionally ready." I was falling in love and thinking we were building something this whole time and told her I'd MUCH rather she corrected/talked with me back in November than just "go along with it."

Usually you can see a break up coming. I knew we needed to talk about where this is going but had no idea she was leaning towards a total split! She gave no indication she wasn't into it until this past month. I couldn't picture what could break us up before this.

She was one of the sweetest women I'd ever met, let alone dated. So seeing her get cold/distant in a matter of weeks and break it off so seemingly easy made her come off a bit sociopathic to me. She said she can't apologize for her emotions but is sorry how it ended up. This is true about emotions, but she saw how devoted I was to this relationship and I feel she shouldn't have let it go on for 6 months.

I'm getting over the shock of it now. Valentines Day is tomorrow (actually today as it's 3am here) and a month ago I'd never imagine I'd be single for what would've been our first V-day. 

Feels bad man...needing to vent to someone other than my boys who at best just want to go party it off. This was a different experience from anything I'd dealt with before. 

Sorry to hear this dude. I also just came out of a relationship in the last week, 4.5 years long. It hurts don't get me wrong but it was on the cards for the last year but I couldn't really see it. The sayings ''love is blind' or being 'love stoned', maybe there were signs it was due to end soon but you couldn't see them, or weren't paying closer attention? My brother, similar to you, also came out of a 6-month relationship recently. He was really hurt and it ended abruptly, I'm hoping for you that you will get over it quickly. You were together for 6-months so didn't experience the life events that happen over 12-months or multiple years. Hopefully you will move on soon my friend you will definitely meet someone better with a less irrational personality. Best of luck.