Trying to be a friend and understand.

[Old Aussie]

My friend (female) has had it tough of late.  She keeps reaching out to me, and I keep trying to be supportive, but feel that I'm floundering.

There are a few issues that I just can't get my head around, and I really don't know how to provide support.

I realise that as a man, my instinct is to try and "help," to "fix" things.  I know that's often not what's required, and am trying to just be "supportive" but really struggling.

1)  Late last year she lost her job in very unfair circumstances.  
I arranged an interview for her, and they were happy to have her as she was a very good candidate.  (Salaries in our industry are usually expressed as a base plus a 35% uplift)  She told me that they only offered her a total package (including uplift) of 12 "units".  That's still a very good salary, and above the average salary, but would be at the lower end in our industry in the current market.  She turned it down because she had "better offers".  She was adamant about the amount offered, and that there was no extra uplift.
When I next spoke to the agent who arranged the interview, he said that he'd been told that they offered her 14 units PLUS the uplift.  I tried to get a straight answer from her, and she conceded "oh maybe it was 14 not 12" and then "oh maybe there was uplift on top, she couldn't remember."  So she's gone from being very precise about what was offered and her reasons for rejected the offer, to being incredibly vague.  
Now maybe she just didn't like the job, and maybe she didn't want to tell me straight out.  That would be fine, it's her career, and her life, and we are just friends.  Except that 3 months later she still hasn't got another job, she is flat broke and selling off possessions, and constantly whinging about having no job and no money.  She even tried to get me to buy some of her new furniture she was selling.
I think that now I'm just struggling to know what to say when she complains about not having a job or money.  I tried the "I'm sure you'll find a good job soon" reassurance, but it seems to fall flat.

2)  Despite having good jobs, in a high-paying industry, she has been left with nothing.  She says that her previous BF owes her $XXX a HUGE sum of money.  She claims that whilst they were in a relationship, she spent this huge amount of her money on him, his family, legal expenses to get custody of his children from their drug-addict mother.  (She also claims that a previous BF stole a large sum of money, a car, and a motorcycle.)
She tells me that this relationship ended a couple of years ago, that she has exhausted all possibilities of getting in money back, and that she want's nothing more to do with this low-life.
Yet she keeps contacting him.
She will tell me how horrible she is feeling because she has received more abuse from this guy.  When I ask how, she'll say that he's been sending her messages, that then turned nasty.  
When I ask how, (considering that she has supposedly blocked him on all formats) she says that she sent him messages about selling her car.  And this isn't the first time.  She has nothing but extremely bad things to say about this guy, and maintains she wants nothing to do with him, but then keeps initiating contact which inevitably turns bad.
I've tried to sound sympathetic, but that seems to backfire.
 

3)  She needs to buy a cheap car, just to get around whilst she gets back on her feet.  But she'll tell me she has $X cash to spend on a car, then inundate me with post after post of cars twice that price.
Then tells me that it as to be automatic SUV, and again hits me with a flurry of ads.  After I go through them all and give advice, I hear nothing.  
Then I find one, a real bargain by the look of it, and perfect for what she is looking for.  And her response is "oh yeah, I'll have to have a look at that" and of course it sells overnight.

I don't mind, I have time on my hands, and I'm happy to support (and help if possible.)  I just want to know how.
In all honesty, at time I feel that all she wants is somebody to listen to her complaints.  And if that's what she needs, then fine I'm happy to do it, but it's not much of a friendhsip.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Old Aussie said:

  but it's not much of a friendhsip.

Do you want more than friendship? She seems to not want help or advice,just someone to complain to.

[ShyViolet]

You are way too involved in this woman's life and her problems.  It's not your job to find cars for her to buy or arrange job interviews for her.  Stop doing things like that.  Stop thinking that you need to come up with solutions to her problems.  It sounds like this woman has a tendency to make bad decision after bad decision and is rather irresponsible.  Is that really the type of person that you want as a friend?  How is this friendship benefiting you in any way?  Or is she just using you?

[basil67]

I don't know how you have the patience for all of this.  If I were in your shoes, I'd be giving her some tough love.

1. If she complains about lack of money, remind her that you went out of your way to find her a good job and she refused it.   

2. If she complains about the ex, tell her that she's bringing it on herself by contacting him.

3. If she wants you to look at cars, tell her that you can't help her more than you already have.

[basil67]

I didn't mean to make you mad @Old Aussie, it's just that I have little time for people who repeatedly make bad decisions and then complain about it.  I'm afraid that I can't give advice on how to support a person who does this.

[Old Aussie]

I realise this a very complex issue, often with many factors contributing.  And I'm not trying to insinuate that all women "go back".

I am trying to support a friend.  Yes we're just friends, but I'm trying to wrap my head around her behaviour.

Her last two relationships have been extremely toxic.
She seems extremely angry with her ex, and accuses him of owing her a huge sum of money.  Yet she has given up any change of recovering any of the money, and at times seems genuinely scared of the guy.  Anytime they communicate, he ends up being insulting and verbally abusive (either via phone or text.)

She's told me that she is completely over the guy, and has been for over a year, and that she want's nothing more to do with him.
 

But this is the part I can't get my head around:  She keeps re-opening communication with him.  
It always ends the same way, him being nasty and abusive, her in tears and on the verge of a break down.  Yet she keeps doing it.

She will have him blocked on all social media, and blocked all his phone numbers.
But then she will unblock him, and start up communication again.  Ostensibly this is to ask him to repay some of the money, etc, but she already knows what the result will be.  

Plus (and I know this sounds unkind) she opens herself up for more of the same.  Once she has re-established contact, she'll message him something like "if you ever really loved me or cared for me, you'll pay me back some of the money".  And of course that just draws the same nasty shithead responses she's always gotten.

End of the day, I'm not trying to "save her," nor "fix" her life.  I'm a friend, and I'll support her, but I would like to try and understand this behaviour.

Edited February 16, 2022 by Old Aussie