Am I able to save my marriage?

[So alone]

My now husband and I have been together 30 years.  We have kids who are now out of high school and beginning to start living independently. Only the youngest is still at home. Instead of looking forward to being just the 2 of us in the future my husband wants to separate.  I want to go to counseling/ therapy  but he doesn't  want to. He has a mistrust of professionals  stemming from childhood issues.  To give you some back story, we both came from troubled and broken families. Both of us desperately  wanting a stable family and future. We both had alcoholic parents, sad childhood stories and were struggling  to break free of that past.  I accepted him for who he was and who he wanted to be even though  he did have a drinking issue himself. I  have given everything  I have and am to our relationships , home and family.  Communication tends to be one way though. He did give up drinking 8-9 years ago, but only after getting in some legal trouble.   He has always been one to be on the go, hanging  out with friends, side work etc.  So the home, kids, school stuff, planning holidays was left to me for the most part. I  always looked for time for family to ensure that our kids did bond with him. Unfortunately  whatever decisions  I made seemed to be wrong. I would ask his opinion  on things to be told whatever you want is fine. When things would go perfectly,  it was my fault. My husband hasn't  ever really opened  up to me about things in his past that I think are a reason for his anger issues, reasons for his past drinking problem and trust issues.  He has cheated on me in the past and is emotionally  abusive.  I  do love him and want to help him/us. After 30 years of carrying  the burdens the home, family kids and pleasing him, intimacy has suffered. I  have self esteem  and depression issues.  For me physical  intimacy exists when there is both an emotional  and intellectual  intimacy.   He hasn't  touched me outside of a hug at christmas in 4 years. I  have always been a quiet shy person and not one to initiate anything sexually. Now my husband wants to separate... don't  want to give up on us,a future together or our family and home.  I  plan to see a therapist  atleast for myself  and hope that my husband will to. Am I  crazy? I  don't  have anyone to really open up to and could use some advice  

[glows]

Seek individual counselling and consult a lawyer. Not recognizing that he wants to separate and doesn’t want the marriage is living in denial. You’re still in shock and denial. The sooner you start listening to what he wants (not just what you want), the less complicated this will be. 

He’s also been emotionally abusive and has checked out of the relationship. Don’t hang on out of fear of the unknown. It’s not impossible to start over. You seem to be hanging on because you don’t know any better than what he offers. And it doesn’t sound like much.

[stillafool]

Since your husband is the one wanting the divorce and your description of the marriage it sounds like the best decision for you personally.  I know you love him but it could be because you are just used to him and don't want to change your life.  This may be the best thing for you, as he is NEVER going to change.  When men call for a divorce there is usually someone waiting in the wings.

Edited February 14, 2022 by stillafool

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, So alone said:

 Instead of looking forward to being just the 2 of us in the future my husband wants to separate.  He has cheated on me in the past and is emotionally  abusive.

Sorry this is happening. Separation is an excellent idea. Free yourself from this.

This way you will be free of his betrayals, withdrawal and abuse.

Instead see a therapist on your own and consult an attorney to review your options in divorce.