Cut off my bullying brother - now dealing with the consequences

[NomiMalone]

My brother has bullied me incessantly since we were young teens. 6 months ago, I officially cut him out of my life and went NC with him. Life is so much better now and I no longer have to live in fear of him. I feel so safe and secure and  relieved. I wish I’d cut him out sooner! We live in different states so I can avoid him easily.

However. My mum has just let me know that our cousin (who lives overseas) will be visiting our country in a month, and I’ll be expected to travel to meet up with the family (including my brother) during the course of our cousin’s visit.

Throughout my life, my mum has been contributory to my brother’s bullying of me by turning her back on it and refusing to acknowledge it. Now as an adult, it’s clear she was a huge part of the bullying problem. Even now that I’ve cut my brother off, she doesn’t respect my decision and acts like I never made that decision at all.

I’m terrified of my brother and there’s no way I’ll be travelling to meet up with the family when my cousin arrives. I don’t want to put myself through the bullying anymore, like I did when I was younger, just to “keep the peace”. It was terrible for my health. I’m happy to forgo the relationship with my cousin and even all our relatives if it means I’ll never have to see my brother again.

I plan to tell my mum that I already have travel plans for when my cousin is here, but I know my mum will be unhappy that for the first time, I’m refusing to go to a family reunion. I’m already anxious about having to deal with my mum’s reaction. (Whereas I should be celebrating putting myself first, for a change.) 

Has anyone been in a similar situation and can share how you dealt with the backlash? 

Edited February 15, 2022 by NomiMalone

[Wiseman2]

Tell them you'll be very busy during that time and can't make it.

[Pumpernickel]

3 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

Even now that I’ve cut my brother off, she doesn’t respect my decision and acts like I never made that decision at all.

So she's aware of it, but ignores your decision, right? In this case, you can calmly repeat it to her. "Mom, you know I cut all ties with X (brother), because of Y (reason), so please accept my decision to not meet up with the whole family to welcome our cousin." Done.

If your cousin and whoever is traveling with her/him is close to you, you can contact them directly while they're in the country, and make separate plans with them. If you're indifferent towards these visitors, or if you dislike them anyway, just don't see them. 

I also had to cut out a (close) familiy member from my life, and I had to "endure" the occasional family member's well-meaning advice to "make an effort", "they're family after all", "you can't just cut ties...." etc. etc. After years of sticking to my guns, all of them have finally accepted my decision. It'll take time, but if you're firm, they'll eventually accept what you want for your life. I think you have a good reason for doing what you're doing, and nobody has a right to downplay what you went through as a child.

Edited February 15, 2022 by Pumpernickel

[stillafool]

I understand.  I'm the youngest and my older brother gets on my last nerve to the point I don't like being around him and his wife.  So I don't.  Simple as that.  My Dad and his wife get angry about it but I don't care I do what makes me feel comfortable.

[glows]

3 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

Has anyone been in a similar situation and can share how you dealt with the backlash? 

Declining invitations or finding work-arounds are part and parcel of developing and maintaining your boundaries. You’ve established them already so maintain them now. There will always be push back from bullying or aggressive individuals like your mother or brother but remain firm in your decisions. 

In terms of the relationship with your cousin, is it possible to find your own way there and stay at a hotel for one night? Make a brief appearance for an hour or two and then leave. 

You don’t have to cut everyone out but make sure you limit your interactions where necessary. The more you do this the easier it becomes and you will know exactly how to temper and deal with people who keep pushing you or disregard you. 

 

[NomiMalone]

I want to thank all of you for your thoughts and ideas - every one of them has been helpful and relevant and has given me a lot to think about. 

@Pumpernickel @stillafool - wow I didn’t think this kind of family dynamic was very common - sorry to hear you’ve both had to deal with it too. But happy to know you persisted with doing the right thing for yourselves even though I’m sure it couldn’t have been easy with all the pressure from family. 

@glows - I’m really glad you brought up boundaries and how important it is to maintain them. This perspective has helped me a lot. Boundaries really are key to handling this situation.
 

I really like this cousin but we’re not close, so I’ll just email to say I’m sorry I have plans, but I’ll catch up with him next time I’m in his country. None of our distant relatives are aware of my brother’s bullying of me (he actually bullies my mum too, but she just accepts it, which is her choice, and not my problem.) And there’s an unspoken rule in our family to keep the bullying a secret. My brother acts like a completely different person in front of these relatives - he’s charismatic, accomodating and very, very nice, so no one would ever guess, and it’s ME who’s going to look rude for not showing up to see my cousin. But if that’s the price I’ll have to pay to protect myself from my brother, then so be it. 

Edited February 16, 2022 by NomiMalone

[SingFish]

1 hour ago, NomiMalone said:

I’ll just email to say I’m sorry I have plans, but I’ll catch up with him next time I’m in his country

Sounds good.

Can't please everyone and people have a blind spot towards the bullies of this world, that's how they get away with so much.

Take care of yourself.Be happy!

 

[NomiMalone]

@SingFish - Thank you. And you’re right - many bullies get away with their behaviour because people who witness it don’t want to get involved for various reasons - like not wanting to become the next victim. And many victims themselves are scared to rock the boat or scared that the bullying would get worse if they call it out, and so they don’t. 

In my case, I let my brother get away with it as an adult because the family unit means everything to my mum and I didn’t want to upset her by causing a rift in the family. And because I lived in a different state to them, I only had to see them a few times a year, which made the bullying easier to grin and bear during my brief visits, and the other 350 days of the year I was free to live my “real” life thousands of miles away without fear of him. And that’s how he got away with it for so long. 

[Alpacalia]

I think you're taking all the necessary steps to protect yourself.

So, good for you!

If your mother inquires as to why you're opting out of spending time with family members or gives you grief, "I'd rather not discuss that" or "I prefer that we not discuss X" will suffice. Then you can shift the focus to one of the decidedly more positive topics.

Your mother, or anyone else for that matter, does not need to agree with your reasons.

It's how you feel. And they're your boundaries.

That's all there is to it.

Edited February 16, 2022 by Alpaca

[NomiMalone]

Thanks @Alpaca for the validation. It honestly means a lot. I agree - the topic of my brother is no longer up for discussion with my mum. She’s had plenty of chances in the last few decades to acknowledge his bullying, and in recent months, to respect my decision to cut him off, but she just won’t. I don’t need her to take sides, or to reprimand him, I just need her to respect my decision. It’s clear she’s never going to, so there’s simply no point trying to explain, again, why I want to avoid him, at all costs.

[ShyViolet]

On 2/15/2022 at 6:03 AM, NomiMalone said:

I plan to tell my mum that I already have travel plans for when my cousin is here, but I know my mum will be unhappy that for the first time,

No, don't make up some excuse.  Tell your mom the REAL reason, and be firm and unapologetic about it.  Tell your mom that you will not see your abusive brother, and if it means that you don't go to this family event, then you're choosing not to go.  WHO CARES if your Mom is unhappy about that?  Then let her be unhappy.  Honestly it sounds like she was part of the bullying and part of this whole problem.  You are an adult now and you need to do what is best for your mental health.  You are not obligated to do anything by your family.

I have been in a similar situation, I have had to go no-contact with my father for periods of time, the longest being about 6 months, because he was psychologically abusive to me my whole life and he tends to be a bully also.  When I finally was able to leave home I decided that I will not tolerate it, and any time he starts getting abusive again, I block him on my phone and I absolutely will not allow him in my life.  When things calm down, I unblock him and I see him again on a very limited basis.  And anyone who tells me that I shouldn't do this or that I'm obligated to see him just because he's my parent, well their opinion means absolutely nothing to me.  I'm an adult and I do what I feel is right for me.

[SingFish]

31 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

WHO CARES if your Mom is unhappy about that?

Well, most people I am guessing! Parents have the biggest blind spots of all over their children, unfortunately.

[ShyViolet]

26 minutes ago, SingFish said:

Well, most people I am guessing! 

Don't live your life based on other people's opinions and other people's "expectations".  Do what you know is right for you, and be confident and unapologetic about those choices.  

[SingFish]

9 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Don't live your life based on other people's opinions and other people's "expectations".  Do what you know is right for you, and be confident and unapologetic about those choices.  

100%? Really? Good on you if you can but I never could.

I always had 'issues' with my family and most people seem to. On balance I'd rather we all get along. In the OP case the cost would be too high. But she already said her mother doesn't get it. 

My dad's dead now, I'm glad I didn't spend my life arguing about the stuff we could never resolve. 

 

[ShyViolet]

32 minutes ago, SingFish said:

100%? Really? Good on you if you can but I never could.

Notice that I said "do what is right for you"... if you honestly feel that staying in contact with a family member is right for you, then do it.  Do whatever makes you happy.  But my point is that no one should ever feel guilty for cutting off a family member if that's what they really do want to do.

[SingFish]

1 minute ago, ShyViolet said:

Notice that I said "do what is right for you"... if you honestly feel that staying in contact with a family member is right for you, then do it.  Do whatever makes you happy.  But my point is that no one should ever feel guilty for cutting off a family member if that's what they really do want to do.

I agree.

The problem is, as here, the mother wants everyone to get along, not accepting that's not going to happen. I expect she will periodically push to get everyone together, and the OP will have to ignore her.

My family was easier us kids all basically agreed, there was no animosity between us. 

In families there's often a whole network of dysfunction and denial covering up abuse. And bullying is something a lot of people still refuse to recognize in any situation. 

[glows]

OP, I’m wondering if you’re willing to share examples of situations where you’ve felt bullied by your brother. Maybe writing it out anonymously on a forum or elsewhere in a journal may be freeing for you. 

I’ve been on the receiving end of this also from one particular family member whom I’ve limited interactions with. You may find some opinions are more aggressive than others but stating your point is part of maintaining your boundaries also. The demeanour of some individuals may be just plain offensive and derogatory to others. I’m sorry if that’s the way your brother is.

If your mother asks you why you’re not going, tell her the truth and end the call shortly or appropriately. There is no reason to even agree to a phonecall if you cannot have a respectful conversation with her. Simply write her an email or text that you will not be attending. Do not respond to any brutish or demeaning messages for example. End the conversation there. 

After limiting your interactions and making up your mind that you’re not going to this event, do you feel better or more at peace? 

[Alpacalia]

17 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

Thanks @Alpaca for the validation. It honestly means a lot. I agree - the topic of my brother is no longer up for discussion with my mum. She’s had plenty of chances in the last few decades to acknowledge his bullying, and in recent months, to respect my decision to cut him off, but she just won’t. I don’t need her to take sides, or to reprimand him, I just need her to respect my decision. It’s clear she’s never going to, so there’s simply no point trying to explain, again, why I want to avoid him, at all costs.

You're welcome.

I am going to take a contrary position of some of the other posts and say I believe you do not need to explain anything to your mother.

Your mom doesn't have to respect your decision if she doesn't like it.

It's not your job to make her like it.

She sounds like she's been a part of the problem.

 

 

[NomiMalone]

@glows - I’m sorry to hear you’ve also had to deal with this kind of family dynamic. One of the things I’ve learnt about bullies is that their behaviour says everything about their personality and really nothing about the people unlucky enough to be picked on. Often times the only thing the victims (I hate this word but I can’t find an alternative!) can do is set boundaries or walk away altogether.

I’d be happy to share more about my experience with my brother. It’ll take me awhile (a few days - maybe weeks) to put it into words (I’ve always found it almost impossible to articulate the decades of bullying and trauma into words), but you’re right - I think doing this would be liberating and healing.

Likewise, if you’d like to share more about your experience I’m more than happy to listen!

Re how I feel having cut contact with my brother: I feel grateful that I’ve escaped my life-long bully, that I can live life free of fear, abuse and toxicity. I’m so appreciative of the new sense of calm, safety, relief, and lightness I feel. No matter what comes my way in life, I know I can face it because I no longer have any thing to be scared of, and because now I make sure I only have kind, caring people in my life. I know how over dramatic this comes across but this is the way I genuinely feel! 

[NomiMalone]

Just a little note to you all - I’m really grateful for all the replies, and for the conversation we have on here. Thank you so much! 

I’m going to be away for 24 hours or so, but I’ll write more replies when I’m back. 

[Happy Lemming]

On 2/15/2022 at 4:03 AM, NomiMalone said:

Has anyone been in a similar situation and can share how you dealt with the backlash? 

I haven't talk to my sister in over 25 years.  My life has been better for it.  I really don't care about any backlash from anyone.  My sister always poked jokes at me and put me down at every family function (it doesn't really rise to bullying), but I got my fill and walked out in the middle of a Thanksgiving dinner (one year), never to return and never to see her again.

My mother made a couple of attempts to get me to call or contact my sister, but I refused.  I assume my sister's reaction was the same, as my phone never rang with her on the other end.

I am so much happier NOT having my sister in my life.  I don't miss her in the least, don't care what is going on in her life and don't care what happens to her.  I'm sure the feeling is mutual for her (in regards to me).

If you have any questions about severing relationships with a sibling, I'll be happy to answer them.

 

[glows]

40 minutes ago, NomiMalone said:

Likewise, if you’d like to share more about your experience I’m more than happy to listen!

My solution is simple. Limit interactions over the years and maintain mutual respect from a distance. I do what I’ve suggested to you and limited in-person time as well. I don’t discuss personal info at length with this particular person. While we don’t have a close relationship, I also find it’s a wasted life and energy spending angst or feeling stressed about that person. 

Personally speaking, for myself here, giving anyone the satisfaction of being a “bully” in the first place goes against my character. I don’t agree with being a victim or perceiving myself as bullied. I do acknowledge differences, however vast, and prefer keeping things neutral. That kind of angst or ill feeling towards anyone doesn’t exist in my life. That’s an active choice on my part. Don’t have a care for it and find it more destructive than useful. 

[SingFish]

9 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

My sister always poked jokes at me and put me down at every family function (it doesn't really rise to bullying),

Yes, that is bullying, belittling. 

[NomiMalone]

@Alpaca - yes, I’m over explaining my reason to my mum, and won’t be explaining (again) why I don’t want to see my brother. By using a blatant lie (“already have plans”), I’m hoping to convey to her that I’ve moved on from trying to have a conversation with her about this. 

To be fair, she isn’t ignoring me out of any malice. In fact, she also gets bullied horrendously by my brother, BUT she chooses to let it go, and she just genuinely doesn’t understand why I don’t. There’s something to be said about a mother’s unconditional love for her kids. And on top of that, my mum’s just one of those people who’s really forgiving and just lets everything slide. It breaks my heart to see him abuse her, and she just keeps giving and giving to him. The issue is actually really difficult (as a lot of family dynamics are.) I hope that my walking away from my brother will set an example in showing that you don’t have to tolerate abuse just because the abuser is family. 

Having said that - her choosing to tolerate the bullying doesn’t mean her gaslighting of me and her denial of our reality ok. It is not. 

Edited February 18, 2022 by NomiMalone

[Wiseman2]

A lot of dysfunctional families have roles. Black sheep, golden child, good parent, bad parent, etc. Everyone claims to be the victim.

However, singling any one member out makes no sense. Family functioning is like driving a car. If one tire is flat the entire car won't work. Everyone contributes to the dysfunction.

So, the best way to heal is to step out of the role playing and distance yourself from the whole group. Therapy can also help you break some habitual interaction patterns with them.