Cut off my bullying brother - now dealing with the consequences

[NomiMalone]

@Wiseman2 - that’s exactly what my therapist said about the roles - that as an adult, I needed to step out of these roles, and to not engage with the dysfunction anymore. (The fee for that session was some of the best $ I ever spent! That session really liberated me.)

We all claim to be victims because we all are, in a way. My mum was a victim of a terrible marriage to my dad, who was a dysfunctional fringe-dweller. My brother has said he’s a victim because he didn’t grow up in a “happy household” with parents who loved each other. I am a victim of my brother’s bullying. So we all are victims, to put it that way. But that is one perspective of many.

[SingFish]

51 minutes ago, NomiMalone said:

We all claim to be victims because we all are, in a way.

It is often cultural too, look at the way children in schools used to be expected to 'tough it out' when bullied, or the complaints of victims of even the most extreme abuses were dismissed within the Catholic Church. A whole cultural denial exists. I was bullied by my husband, but to everyone else he was a 'great guy' and my wanting to leave him was highly inconvenient, in fact he told everyone later that I made it all up. In a way that was worse than the actual abuse- being accused of dishonesty and being 'crazy'. 

I hope you are doing well @NomiMalone

[NomiMalone]

@SingFish  The “toughing it out” mentality is so effed up. There’s simply no other way to look at it. I can see that mentality in my mum’s own upbringing, so that does reflect on the way she chooses to deal (or should I say NOT deal) with my brother’s abuse. It’s just soooo heartbreaking and wrong. 

That’s awful that your ex-husband said you made up the bullying. Having your reality denied or not validated is enraging and can definitely be more traumatic than the bullying itself. I’m sorry for what you went through. Not that it makes things any better - but when people lie like that, I don’t think it actually makes them happy or relieved like they hoped - because deep down they know they‘re a liar. Good riddance to him!

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

@Alpaca - yes, I’m over explaining my reason to my mum, and won’t be explaining (again) why I don’t want to see my brother. By using a blatant lie (“already have plans”), I’m hoping to convey to her that I’ve moved on from trying to have a conversation with her about this. 

To be fair, she isn’t ignoring me out of any malice. In fact, she also gets bullied horrendously by my brother, BUT she chooses to let it go, and she just genuinely doesn’t understand why I don’t. There’s something to be said about a mother’s unconditional love for her kids. And on top of that, my mum’s just one of those people who’s really forgiving and just lets everything slide. It breaks my heart to see him abuse her, and she just keeps giving and giving to him. The issue is actually really difficult (as a lot of family dynamics are.) I hope that my walking away from my brother will set an example in showing that you don’t have to tolerate abuse just because the abuser is family. 

Having said that - her choosing to tolerate the bullying doesn’t mean her gaslighting of me and her denial of our reality ok. It is not. 

If the circumstances were different, I would say you are not available on that day and not go into details.

"Sorry, I won't be able to make it," for example.

There is still a lot of her involvement in this, so sometimes you have to let things unfold naturally.

"Maybe" down the road, there will be an opportunity to have a chat about your relationship with her, not with your brother and not with him present, at another time and place.

That's your boundary.

She's either on board or she's not.

Edited February 18, 2022 by Alpaca

[vla1120]

On 2/15/2022 at 6:03 AM, NomiMalone said:

Throughout my life, my mum has been contributory to my brother’s bullying of me by turning her back on it and refusing to acknowledge it. Now as an adult, it’s clear she was a huge part of the bullying problem. Even now that I’ve cut my brother off, she doesn’t respect my decision and acts like I never made that decision at all.

I lived through a similar situation when I was younger. My older brother was my mom's favorite. He could do no wrong. My mom found a way to blame ME for how he treated me. Unfortunately, my mom passed away when I was 31, before I learned to set boundaries and stand up for myself.

On 2/15/2022 at 6:03 AM, NomiMalone said:

I plan to tell my mum that I already have travel plans for when my cousin is here, but I know my mum will be unhappy that for the first time, I’m refusing to go to a family reunion. I’m already anxious about having to deal with my mum’s reaction. (Whereas I should be celebrating putting myself first, for a change.) 

Has anyone been in a similar situation and can share how you dealt with the backlash? 

You don't have to explain anything to your mother. She already knows the issue and chooses to ignore your needs. Yes! Celebrate putting yourself first! 

I have not seen my brother for at least 10 years and have no intention of ever seeing him again. Some family members do not understand and give me grief about it, but that's their problem, not mine. Keep your boundaries intact and keep putting yourself first!

 

[Happy Lemming]

6 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

that as an adult, I needed to step out of these roles, and to not engage with the dysfunction anymore.

 

Yes... I very much remember the day that I made that decision with my sister.  I remember coming home from her house, being very upset (that Thanksgiving Day).  I walked in my front door and slammed it shut.  I must have really been upset, as I slammed it so hard dust fell from somewhere (I think it was from the top trim around the door, I don't really know).  

It all felt like a cleansing, the door shut, the dust settled and I was done with my sister.  I never saw her again, never talked to her again and have no interaction whatsoever with her. 

 

[stillafool]

On 2/16/2022 at 1:45 PM, ShyViolet said:

WHO CARES if your Mom is unhappy about that?

I agree.  Maybe you need to get your mother straight also.  My mother was reacting the same as yours and I calmly told her and my dad that I didn't have to see them either if they had a problem with my decision and she quickly reneged because she knew I meant it.

[NomiMalone]

Thanks @ShyViolet - I’m with you on not caring about my mum’s opinion of my decision to never see my brother again. You’re right - she’s been a huge part of the problem. Furthermore - she’s been equally dismissive and uncaring about other traumatic experiences in my life. So although I love her, I no longer include her in any real conversations about what’s going on in my life. In our phone calls I just talk about the weather and Covid. I count her as an “unsafe” person that I can never let my guard down around.

I’m so sorry to hear about your experience with your dad - it sounds  like an extremely difficult situation. But it seems like you’ve got some good boundaries in place. Good on you for sticking to your guns!

@glows - I relate to your perspective on stress and ill feelings being destructive. For me, it’s more about fear than ill feelings. Like, although I live thousands of miles from my brother and mum, I’m terrified of them both. And it’s the fear that has a hold on me 100x more so than any ill feelings.

@Happy Lemming - thanks for sharing your experience about your sister. It sounds like you’re in a good place not having her in your life anymore and it really shows. I’m happy for you! 

Edited February 19, 2022 by NomiMalone