Aftermath and Moving Forward

[SS2855]

It’s been about 4 months since the end of my affair with a MM. It was a mutual decision to end it as there were coworkers getting suspicious and also MM had moved- it was all also just taking a large toll on me. We were in this relationship for 3 years. He told me he loved me all the time and how he believed me to be his perfect match. We spent a lot of time together with work travel making it very easy. It all felt so real- dinners, overnights, concerts, walks, music, etc. A whirlwind romance that’s over now and I can’t seem to move forward. I was doing well and a couple weeks ago nothing in particular happened but I fell back into the despair and depression. I’m seeing a therapist which is helping but I can’t seem to feel like I’ll get better. It’s not even the pining at this point but the abandonment grief and intrusive thoughts that I didn’t mean as much to him as maybe he lead me to believe. I don’t contact him anymore but he will contact me as we still work together. I think that is why I’m struggling. I can’t go a few days without having to connect with him for work (either joint client call or meeting). He is trying to be friends and I just can’t do it. My only saving grace is that he is leaving our organization for a new job within the next month or so. I am praying this will make the difference as I’m struggling and I think it’s because we aren’t completely “no contact” because of work. I am hoping there are stories here of people that have come out and been able to fully heal. It’s incredibly painful and I realize I’ve done it to myself. 

[glows]

First of all, congratulations to you for ending something that no longer serves you or betters your life. That takes guts and courage and now it seems you just need a gentle talking to about remaining firm in your boundaries. If you're feeling a bit weak one day, tell yourself that it's just one day and try to get to the end of that day. If you have to be firm then be firm and polite stating that you do not wish to make small talk and prefer to discuss work-related items only. That should get the point across not to contact you to try to be "friends". You already know that's inappropriate given your history and the break up. 

You will heal as soon as you know where you went wrong, forgive yourself and learn to put this behind you. Reliving it or fantasizing won't help so stay productive with your time and true to your beliefs or convictions. He wasn't the man for you so let him go. He is not the "perfect match" and rethink the narrative that he abandoned you. You ended the affair so take more credit for ending it instead of maintaining a victim's role. 

Onwards.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, SS2855 said:

My only saving grace is that he is leaving our organization for a new job within the next month or so.

This is your answer. You can’t move in if you are still in contact with your affair partner. 

There is a reason why people don’t stay friends with their former relationship partners. It’s too hard. No contact exists for a reason. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, SS2855 said:

I am praying this will make the difference as I’m struggling and I think it’s because we aren’t completely “no contact” because of work.

I think you are probably right. 

As long as you need to be in contact with him, it will be much more difficult to move on. But when he finally leaves, I imagine you are going to feel like a weight has been lifted and you'll really see progress in your healing. 

[vla1120]

2 hours ago, SS2855 said:

He is trying to be friends and I just can’t do it. My only saving grace is that he is leaving our organization for a new job within the next month or so.

I think it's near impossible to remain friends with an affair partner. The good news is that he's leaving. That is when your healing will really begin. Hang in there. If he continues to try to remain friends until then, put the hammer down and tell him not to contact you unless it is work-related. Also, make sure you send a clear message that you want NO contact with him after he has left the company. 

[mark clemson]

^^ yeah, I agree that if there are lingering emotions, the best way is to go NC until you've "emotionally recovered" - really that's with relationships generally IF there's painful feelings about it ending. And his leaving will make this much more possible.

If you're serious about ending it then dodge any attempts by him to re-start things. The less re-triggering the better, and I'd suggest you try to avoid "poignant" thoughts about the situation as well. Eventually you'll be over him, just like you're over any/all other past lovers and ex's. It just tends to take longer than we'd like.

Edited February 16, 2022 by mark clemson

[Ashes84]

Just to reiterate what others have said. Once you've had 3 or 4 months of total NC you'll feel more like your old self again. But be careful with social media. Even looking at pictures can be very triggering. I've just spent 3 weeks yearning after peeking and I've been in NC for 10 years.

[SS2855]

On 3/8/2022 at 11:12 AM, Ashes84 said:

Just to reiterate what others have said. Once you've had 3 or 4 months of total NC you'll feel more like your old self again. But be careful with social media. Even looking at pictures can be very triggering. I've just spent 3 weeks yearning after peeking and I've been in NC for 10 years.

Wow 10 years? Did something drive you to  “peeking”  after all these years? Or have the feelings lingered after all that time? This may be one of my worse fears- that I’ll still be thinking about him years from now.

[SS2855]

It’s been awhile since I’ve checked back in but really appreciate the sentiments. He’s still at my work but from what I hear it’s any day now that he will be leaving. I think it’s true that I really won’t start the process until we actually go no contact. We haven’t spoken intimately in some time but still need to communicate about work (though not as much). Once he leaves there really won’t be any reason for us to talk, and I’m hoping it just all stops even though I know it’ll hurt. I’ve gotten so used to him just being there. I know it’s the right thing though and really the only way I can ever hope to be free of him. I still think about him every day, multiple times a day, but it doesn’t feel as painful as it did before. But it’s still there.

[glows]

8 hours ago, SS2855 said:

It’s been awhile since I’ve checked back in but really appreciate the sentiments. He’s still at my work but from what I hear it’s any day now that he will be leaving. I think it’s true that I really won’t start the process until we actually go no contact. We haven’t spoken intimately in some time but still need to communicate about work (though not as much). Once he leaves there really won’t be any reason for us to talk, and I’m hoping it just all stops even though I know it’ll hurt. I’ve gotten so used to him just being there. I know it’s the right thing though and really the only way I can ever hope to be free of him. I still think about him every day, multiple times a day, but it doesn’t feel as painful as it did before. But it’s still there.

Is he still attempting to call you or trying to be friends?

Edited March 12, 2022 by glows

[Ashes84]

13 hours ago, SS2855 said:

Wow 10 years? Did something drive you to  “peeking”  after all these years? Or have the feelings lingered after all that time? This may be one of my worse fears- that I’ll still be thinking about him years from now.

I didn't mean to worry you. I'm talking about someone I was in a relationship with at 16 - 40 years ago. I'll have lingering feelings for the rest of my life. But it doesn't have to be painful. See "gratitude" thread. Keep away from obvious triggers, put it down to an episode in life, dont think in terms of moral "shoulds" and I think it can be alright sooner than you think. A lot of things happen in a lifetime and some of it can be very painful. I think you'll be fine if you end it cold turkey, live through the pain and accept it as a lesson learned. Good luck.

[SS2855]

On 3/12/2022 at 7:19 AM, glows said:

Is he still attempting to call you or trying to be friends?

He does but really only during the week and he’ll only reach out when he needs to for work as we share a client. But definitely is friendly and likes to just catch up too. Sometimes we’ll go a few days without “needing” to talk for work and that’s when I obviously miss him the most. When we do connect here and there for work the missing isn’t as intense in between (obviously right). I’m anxiously waiting now for him to leave the company because I know it’s my only shot at moving on emotionally. I still have very strong feelings for him (not as intense as before but still there). While I miss him though, I do not miss the agony of when we were in it, living for that next message, next business trip, next reach out to do lunch. I cried on a very regularly basis and was a shell of myself. Nothing else seemed to matter but him.