Am I wrong ?

[stillafool]

Maybe if you had said exactly what it was that you said to him that caused him to block you we may see this different.  To say you said some things you shouldn't have leaves a lot to the imagination.

[Annama]

My bday was during the week, busiest week for him as he had to finish project by Friday. We agreed we will meet on the weekend to celebrate my bday. On a day I was gutted I didn't see him. When I heard he is going for a bite with his guys, I got upset. Shouldnt really but I did. I said so you dont have time to see me but you have time to socialise? I also need to eat and would be delighted to have that bite with my man on my actual bday. 

He then said...ooook lets do it. I said, now dont worry,  do your thing. I made plans already anways. He asked with whom, and i said " with someone who actually care" and that was it. 

I didnt lie as my best friend said she will get me a cake when she heard me and bf are not meeting. She was telling me...I bet he will surprise you...but when we learned that he wont,  we meant to grab pizza and eat cake.

I was going to tell him that after work but was blocked then.

So I know he got mad. I got mad.

He returned his project on Friday but called me on Monday.

Here it is.

[Annama]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

He didn't care where you had to go but wasn't offering for you to be with him.  There is a LS member whose gf had lost her place and he immediately stepped up and offered her to live with him.  This is what a man who actually cares about you would do and vice versa.  Yours could care less about your living arrangements.

This is painful. But his friend said after last relationship failed, he is more cautious to live with someone again. He wanted me to live 15 min away from him. Looked at some properties. I could not afford it so left it. So he wanted me close but not too close.

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Annama said:

He then said...ooook lets do it. I said, now dont worry,  do your thing. I made plans already anways. He asked with whom, and i said " with someone who actually care" and that was it. 

Really Annama?  That's it?  You're allowed to be somewhat pissed that on your b-day he's supposed to be working but has time to have dinner with his friends.  You're right that you needed to eat and he could have asked to get dinner with you just to see you on your b-day for a short while and celebrated in style over the weekend.   He knew you weren't going to go out with another man but used your statement as a way to punish you on your b-day weekend.  This man is cruel not just this but the other thiings you've said he's done to you.  If you stick around this guy he's going to treat you much worse.  He seems to lack respect for you or is acting that way.  You seem like a sweet person and you deserve someone who cherishes that.

[Weezy1973]

14 minutes ago, Annama said:

I was going to tell him that after work but was blocked then.

So I know he got mad. I got mad.

As many have said before, this was just an unhealthy relationship. And both of you were active participants. The problem that I can see on both sides is that when issues come up, they're blown completely out of proportion. I had an ex that did this. A grievance that was maybe worth a "2" on the reaction meter would inevitably end in a "10" reaction. And that's what you're both doing. I don't even see the problem with what he did on your birthday at all. You both had made an agreement that you would celebrate your birthday the next weekend after his project. He had gotten you a gift, and called you on your birthday. He went out for a quick bite to eat with his friends - and it's not a bad idea to take a mental break when you're immersed in a project - so no big deal. And then you reacted devastated as if he did some horribly thing. Something that was a "2" you reacted as if it was a "10". And then his reaction to block you and over the weekend you had agreed to celebrate your birthday was also a massive overreaction. Be glad it's over. 

[Annama]

Thank you All. Yes, I think I got frustrated cause even that bday weekend had to be almost negotiated by me. As he wanted to go to his club meet a new member. I felt like he goes out of his ways for others and I have to squeeze in. Thats why I got annoyed he found time for that bite with friends , even on my bday I was not a priority. Dont get me wrong, we both seen our friends, had life besides together.

Yes, of course he knew I wouldn't never see any other man. Never made him jealous. He knew he was loved. Where would i even get any man lol out of the wood all of a sudden? So its true, he just used this as a great excuse. Told our friend he couldn't deal with me and project,hence he blocked me. But project was handed on Friday AM. 

He later said he actually unblocked me that Friday as he thought I will call. Since I did not, he called on Monday after all was over. I didnt sleep these 3 nights. 

When he causally asked me on Monday what happened as he didnt hear from me, I got even more upset. What an audacity!

  It is very true when he was upset, he would overreact so much that wont speak for a week. He would sulk. 

But when things were good, there were amazing. Thats why it is hard. 

 

[basil67]

While his actions were very thoughtless, your response was rude and aggressive.  I can see why he's waiting on an apology from you.  Being mad does not give us a 'get out of jail free card' to say whatever we please.

Our partners can and do make mistakes, but if we are to address them in a positive manner and keep the relationship healthy, the words we use need to thoughtful.   Something along the lines of "When I said that it was OK if we didn't see each other on my birthday, it was because I was under the impression that you needed to work. Had I known that you actually had time for a quick bite, I would really have wanted to spend that time with you.  Perhaps I wasn't clear and I accept that, but I'm feeling really hurt right now"    If he had any empathy at all, this approach would likely have brought the apology you need from him and you would never have been blocked.  

Alternately, had he not apologised you should have just dumped him on the spot.

Edited June 19, 2022 by basil67

[Annama]

47 minutes ago, basil67 said:

While his actions were very thoughtless, your response was rude and aggressive.  I can see why he's waiting on an apology from you.  Being mad does not give us a 'get out of jail free card' to say whatever we please.

Our partners can and do make mistakes, but if we are to address them in a positive manner and keep the relationship healthy, the words we use need to thoughtful.   Something along the lines of "When I said that it was OK if we didn't see each other on my birthday, it was because I was under the impression that you needed to work. Had I known that you actually had time for a quick bite, I would really have wanted to spend that time with you.  Perhaps I wasn't clear and I accept that, but I'm feeling really hurt right now"    If he had any empathy at all, this approach would likely have brought the apology you need from him and you would never have been blocked.  

Alternately, had he not apologised you should have just dumped him on the spot.

I was more shocked and very quiet rather then aggressive. My voice was wobbly like I am giving up. I didnt raise my voice. But agree my reaction was poor. Hence I wanted to speak with him after work. It was too late. When I realised I was blocked, I got heartbroken. By the time he called me( Monday) i think total 6 days later,  I felt nothing but anger. 

    I get he got upset. But if he would call on the weekend,  perhpas we would be fine today. Extending till Monday when my birthday weekend was over, was too painful. He would rather be stubborn than do the noble thing and keep his words about weekend.

It wasnt a guy I only just met. But it feels like this.

 

Edited June 19, 2022 by Annama

[basil67]

A statement doesn't need high volume or sharp tone be aggressive.  

If you really want to get him back, you could apologise for your response.  And as part of that conversation, clarify that while it doesn't excuse your choice of words, you were so very hurt by his choice.  If he gives you an honest apology for his part in this and wants to make it up to you, then you could perhaps have a re-start.  Of if he gives you no apology, you then have what you need to know you've done the right thing by walking away.  

But while you're both at an impasse of wanting the other to apologise first, no healing can begin to happen

[Happy Lemming]

I know I'm a little late to the party on this one, but your thread caught my eye.

I understand having to work and getting stuck on a project.  Personally, I feel if he had time to go out with his friends on your birthday, he had time for you.  If he got finished with the project earlier than expected, he should have called you up and tried to salvage the evening. 

"Hi Anna, it seems I finished this project earlier than I expected.  I still want to take you out this weekend for your birthday, but since it is still somewhat early, how about an ice cream sundae to celebrate your birthday??" 

I also think it is somewhat immature to block you.  I'm 56... just a few years older than your guy and I've never blocked anyone on my phone. 

[glows]

Annama:

Are you genuinely interested in this man now that several weeks have passed? Or just speaking out loud about the situation and how you’re feeling? It’s one thing to feel like you need to talk things out and get this off your chest and another to do anything to ever be with him again. I agree with all the comments which have underlined his poor treatment of you. The entire time I was rereading from the first page it seems appalling that a 50 year old man is blocking and unblocking a person he has dated for three years after a recent argument. I do think he could have made more of an effort on your birthday. 

[Happy Lemming]

7 hours ago, stillafool said:

There is a LS member whose gf had lost her place and he immediately stepped up and offered her to live with him.  This is what a man who actually cares about you would do and vice versa.  Yours could care less about your living arrangements.

Yes... this is me.  My girlfriend did lose her apartment and now lives with me (in my home).  I don't want to derail your thread, but if you want the details, I'll be glad to share them. 

There are some similarities and differences from your situation. Again if you want to hear more, let me know and I'll be glad to share.

[NuevoYorko]

Please.  Let it go already.  You are rehashing details from something that happened half a year ago.  Nothing has changed, and he never wanted the kind of relationship that you did anyway.

Continuing to rehash it and talk about the details is hindering you from healing and moving on.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

Please.  Let it go already.  You are rehashing details from something that happened half a year ago.  Nothing has changed, and he never wanted the kind of relationship that you did anyway.

This is my take, too. 

The birthday incident was just a symptom of the bigger problem, and apologzing for that one comment now isn't going to change the fact that he didn't want what you wanted, OP. You finally spoke up about how you felt, and your truth is that you didn't feel valued or prioritized by him. 

It's time to move on, so you can find a man who doesn't make you feel as though he's squeezing you into his life. 

[Beachead]

I agree with the others. Don't let undeserving people rob you of you becoming your best self.

You believe you miss him and your relationship with him but I say it's not really him or the relationship that you miss but more so, what could have been.  You must remember, he cannot transform into what you want him to be.  He is who he is, and who he is, is someone who wasn't right for you which is why you two are broken up. Trust this process.  Also,  sometimes, we look back at the past favorably and hold onto it because the future is scary because it's unknown.  It takes energy and a lot of risk to walk in its direction and face whatever it brings and when we've lost confidence in ourselves, we don't believe the future will be good for us.  We fear it.  In that fear, living in the past is just..easier.  Don't let the Fading Affect Bias distort the reality that you were unhappy in your relationship.  Allowing this will prevent you from concentrating your mind and your efforts to becoming your best self to embrace all the potential in your future.  Potential to bond with the people who are still present in your life, that you care about and who care about you.  Potential to be your best self to develop new relationships.  Potential to be your best self to land a new job and hold it down that might take you to better places etc.

Healing takes time and we go at our pace but just keep these things in mind, so that you remain grounded.  

- Beach

 

 

Edited June 20, 2022 by Beachead

[Annama]

Thank you All for all your input. Beachhead this was beautiful. I truly appreciate these warm words of wisdom. 

I normally dont dwell on past like this but this is grieving. 

I wont contact him. I will let go. If he will ever contact me, I will apologise for my part. 

He hardly apologises. He is more of waiting it out kinda person. Where time just helps to conceal what was the argument about.

True is, I was driving this relationship. I did most of the calling. Apologising. I told him once that when I will take my hands of the wheel we will crush. We did.

He was playing along. Happy with the weekends together.

I need to let go. It is ridiculous that it has been 6 months.

Thank you All and apologies for being so repetitive.

Happy Lemming really wanted to know your story but cannot find anywhere

 

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Annama said:

Happy Lemming really wanted to know your story but cannot find anywhere

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 years.  When we met, we were both in agreement that we didn't want to get married, as she had been through an awful divorce earlier in life and never wanted to go through that again.  I've never been married, so we were both in agreement there. 

We also didn't want to live together, she liked having her own apartment; which was fine with me.  For some reason, rents skyrocketed in our area, first we moved her from a 1 bedroom to a studio and she was fine there for a couple of years.  Then rents jumped again about 20% in one year (here).  She couldn't absorb that increase, it was just too much. She had to give up her studio apartment.  We looked and looked but couldn't find her another unit, so she moved into my home.  There is plenty of room here and she has her own bedroom and bathroom.  (We can't sleep in the same room as she has a CPAP machine and I'm a light sleeper.)  I don't need the money, so I don't charge her anything to live here.  We do share in the cleaning of the house. 

We've been living together about 8 months.  Initially, it was a bit of adjustment for both of us, but now we seem to have settled into a routine.

Edited June 20, 2022 by Happy Lemming
spelling

[Annama]

I doubt anyone would believe me as I am in disbelief. After I posted on here yesterday that I am accepting and moving on, he sent me " hello, how are you " message.

I was truly surprised. I responded I was fine etc he asked about my course he encouraged me to take. That was it.

Really odd. I reckon he was bored or a date didnt work or something....still found the timing odd. Exactly when I tried to close that chapter for good. 

Hope he can apologise. If not than i will be fine anyway.

[Beachead]

@Annama

It doesn't mean anything of value.  Like you said, could be a bad date.  Boredom.  Loneliness.  Maybe he's just checking to see whether you're still hooked onto him and whether he can lure you back in.  Usually messages like this after breakups, are self-serving in nature.  If you find yourself thinking about it, just remember, should you go back, your relationship would  return to what it was; one sided.

[Alpacalia]

Right.

One time a man came back and friend requested me. Then I saw him dating another woman. Then he tried to make nice and I deleted his butt.

You need to ignore it.

[Happy Lemming]

5 hours ago, Annama said:

Hope he can apologise. If not than i will be fine anyway.

It appears that this guy really means something to you.  The fact that you are hoping for an apology means (to me) you want this person back in your world.

If he really is that important to you, ask him to meet you for a drink and just talk.  You can make the first move and explain how you were hurt by his actions.  Personally, I try not to be stubborn in my thinking...  I don't always need to win.

A quick little story... My mother taught me a few items about women.  Among them, never show up empty-handed when picking a woman up for a date and a woman's birthday is very important.  A woman should always have something to unwrap the morning of her birthday, it can be small, but it should be pretty and wrapped (not a last minute idea).  My girlfriend's birthday is in October, but I started shopping this week (on-line) and am bidding on new watch for her.  I always make her a cake (with a few candles) and her favorite meal.  My mother's words were 100% true and I listened.  Perhaps, your guy didn't have the same talk with his mother.  It is possible that he was never taught this.  I'll admit by 50 he should have learned that, but I do think life is a constant learning experience.

Good luck... whatever you decide.

[glows]

5 hours ago, Annama said:

Hope he can apologise. If not than i will be fine anyway.

He wasn't able to apologize in the three years you were together and you were doing all the apologizing so it's not likely that he'll start now. The main issue is you put up with him for that long and all it did was affirm that he could act or behave exactly like this while you were wishing/wanting something else out of a man or partner. This was you being the driving force behind your relationship, also hoping he was someone else. It was unfair to both of you to hang on this long to each other. He's not going to change. I think it's damaging and works against your healing to keep in contact or let him reach out to you.

[Annama]

Little update:

We are back together and things are better, calmer, mature. There were apologies on both sides and realisation of each other faults. He has given me keys to his home.

Time will show how things will unfold.

There is one thing that is disturbing my mind i.e. he purchased months ago holiday in exotic destination which I cannot afford. He did not offer to contribute in any way and I find myself feeling disappointment. He cannot cancel. He said he would like me to join but understands if I cannot make it due to finances. He seems relaxed about it and said we can make plenty memories next year.

I picture myself in a freezing country alone in Christmas and he will be on the beach sipping cocktails? 

 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Annama said:

I picture myself in a freezing country alone in Christmas and he will be on the beach sipping cocktails? 

What is stopping you from making the most of the situation?

Make plans with your family or friends to do something fun.

Put an end to organizing your life around his.

[stillafool]

On 6/20/2022 at 3:33 PM, Annama said:

True is, I was driving this relationship. I did most of the calling. Apologising. I told him once that when I will take my hands of the wheel we will crush. We did.

 

7 hours ago, Annama said:

There were apologies on both sides and realisation of each other faults.

Were you the one who first reached out to him and apologized?

7 hours ago, Annama said:

There is one thing that is disturbing my mind i.e. he purchased months ago holiday in exotic destination which I cannot afford. He did not offer to contribute in any way and I find myself feeling disappointment.

Oh no, don't be disturbed now because you already knew he wasn't about to pay for you to go on holiday with him.  As you can see nothing has changed because you demand nothing from him; and he will just go back to treating you like he always has because you won't find the self respect to finally leave this guy alone for your own good.