Am I wrong ?

[stillafool]

So if he never apologizes you will forget about him and move on?

[Annama]

What do you think am trying to do every single day for 6 months now?

As you may or may not appreciate,  heart feels what it feels. Not easy.

[LeoEnki]

1 hour ago, Annama said:

I do have to admit that a few arguments across 3 years ended with me saying something along we don't have to be together,  we can part ways any time.

Well its clear that you caused this.

He has done the right thing. You initiated the mind games. Its all over. Let him be in peace.

[stillafool]

39 minutes ago, Annama said:

As you may or may not appreciate,  heart feels what it feels. Not easy.

I've been there and learnd that the heart does not always want what is best for us.  It's better to depend on your brain.

[NuevoYorko]

Was it ok with you to just go forward in a noncommittal relationship?  You wanted a future together and he was not going to give you this.  I think it's really weird that he blocked you, and blowing you off for your birthday etc. but even if these things had not occurred, you might really have been selling yourself short by remaining in a relationship that was never getting past a basically casual dating situation.  

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, Annama said:

Why would you say that? Overall it was a good relationship with deep friendship and a passion. 

Precious relationships were nothing out of ordinary. Run its course.

I struggle with this one cause I love him. He said to me and to our friend he still loves me. But because I broke up he wont contact me. It has to come from me. On many posts here we see that men say, they wont contact their women cause women initiated break ups. 

All I see in your posts are descriptions of his off-the charts passive aggression, his going out of the way to do things that would hurt any normal human being (e.g. pretending to be too busy on your birthday but somehow finding time for his buddies, blocking you for no reasonable reason), his insisting that you apologize and make the effort to reconnect whenever his violations are bigger than whatever you're supposed to have done. This last one helps to ensure that he has more "power" than you in the relationship dynamic.

Unfortunately, you empathize so much with him that you prioritize his point of view over your own, but he has close to zero empathy for you. Also, on the occasions when you have gotten angry at being mistreated and stood up for yourself, you seem to have allowed him to convince you that you were being rude/crazy. Then you have ended up backtracking. You've also allowed him to convince you that your normal emotional needs are "neediness." On those occasions in the past when you snapped and considered ending the relationship, you were doing the right thing. You should have followed through and blocked him and moved on. I hope you will find the courage to block him this time. And then I hope you will go for counselling because you sound to me like someone who has a background of being mistreated by people and who has never questioned that mistreatment. 

[Annama]

Thank you Acacia, your assessment is very accurate. I am quite shocked how you could sense that. I recall one time, I asked a front of his friends if he could swap seats with me as I was uncomfortable. He refused as he said it was my choice to seat there. I was sad but let go. At home however, I said I was embarrassed and he got mad. We didnt talk for a week after that.

He said i treat him like a child. He also added that he is not my waiter when I hoped he will top up my drinks while being at the dinner at his friends. He said other women poured themselves drinks and I am waiting for him. Apparently his friends made jokes about it. 

I know him as a massive gentleman...he hold an umbrella for a female friend for long hours when we had picnic the other day and started to rain. He is always first to open door etc

I am gutted as he also has million other wonderful sides. 

But still cant get my head around the fact he rather be alone than apologise to me and be with me.

All his friends and their partners attended wedding abroad. He was alone. He could easily fix it all and we could be there together. Yet, he tells friends he has no idea why we broke up and is shocked about it 

 

[stillafool]

43 minutes ago, Annama said:

He said i treat him like a child. He also added that he is not my waiter when I hoped he will top up my drinks while being at the dinner at his friends. He said other women poured themselves drinks and I am waiting for him. Apparently his friends made jokes about it. 

I know him as a massive gentleman...he hold an umbrella for a female friend for long hours when we had picnic the other day and started to rain. He is always first to open door etc

So he treats you like dirt but is a massive gentlemen to other women?  Why in the world do you allow yourself to be treated this way and are pinning for this man?  Why aren't you more important to yourself than him?  I doubt he even cared that he was alone at the wedding abroad and probably had the time of his life.

[Annama]

17 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Was it ok with you to just go forward in a noncommittal relationship?  You wanted a future together and he was not going to give you this.  I think it's really weird that he blocked you, and blowing you off for your birthday etc. but even if these things had not occurred, you might really have been selling yourself short by remaining in a relationship that was never getting past a basically casual dating situation.  

Thank you for your input. I appreciate it. He thought he gave me enough evidence to demonstrate his comittment. He was not rushing into living together as he was burned by long term relationship that ended badly. Perhaps you are right. It was time to exit.

[ExpatInItaly]

23 hours ago, Annama said:

I left because he blocked me after an argument. I left despite being deeply in love. 

Yes, with a man who was never very invested in you. 

My point is that if you get your self-esteem to a  better place, you won't stick around with chumps like this in the future. Here, you hung on even when he wasn't treating you well, and only left when he cut you off. 

[Annama]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, with a man who was never very invested in you. 

My point is that if you get your self-esteem to a  better place, you won't stick around with chumps like this in the future. Here, you hung on even when he wasn't treating you well, and only left when he cut you off. 

Trust me he wasnt a bad partner. I never was desperate to have one. He introduced me to all family and friends. Included me in his life and plans. Great passion, deep friendship and enjoyment of each other company. There were times when he was out of order and there were times where I was. I am sure in every relationship are such moments. 

I think the thing that hurts me is the fact he let me go easily. Also when my lease was ending last year, didnt offer to live together.

I rented a room and he lives alone in a large house. Way to large for him alone. My mum said this was very telling. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Annama said:

when my lease was ending last year, didnt offer to live together. I rented a room and he lives alone in a large house.  My mum said this was very telling. 

Your mother is correct, he didn't see a future with you.

[basil67]

11 hours ago, Annama said:

All his friends and their partners attended wedding abroad. He was alone. He could easily fix it all and we could be there together. Yet, he tells friends he has no idea why we broke up and is shocked about it 

Yes, you'd be together, but he'd be grumpy because he had given a fake apology and you'd be criticising him for not switching chairs or pouring your drinks and probably unhappy because he doesn't want you to move in.  This is not a match made in heaven.  

To me, it sounds like both of you owe apologies for stuff but neither of you think you did the wrong thing and neither of you is prepared to suck it up.  And I'm a firm believer that one should never apologise if they have reviewed their actions and believe their behaviour was acceptable. 

With the full story given, I think he was wrong about your birthday night and he should have apologised for not being more thoughtful and certainly for blocking you.  That was so childish!  But you're sounding nitpicky too.  What's with criticising him for not pouring your drinks when you were socialising in a group?  Assuming that you weren't incapacitated in some way, if everyone was pouring their own drinks, there's no reason why he should have been expected to serve you. When in Rome....and all that.    His comment when you asked to switch chairs was rude, but did you talk with the waitstaff to see if they could find a better chair for you?   Were you actually in serious pain?  If you'd done all you could to try and solve the issue and were in pain, he was wrong to not at least take turns with the bad chair. 

His lack of having you move in with him is one of the biggest things of all.  If he was happy just seeing you on weekends, it doesn't make any sense that you'd be thinking he could have asked you to share his place.  That's not to say that you were wrong in wanting a relationship where you see your partner more, but the two of you wanted very different things and it was the kind of thing where compromise wasn't going to be an option.  

This six months apart should have been for you to grieve the relationship and move on.  Not for you to be waiting on an apology in order to rekindle a relationship which was going nowhere and not meeting your needs. 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Annama said:

There were times when he was out of order and there were times where I was. I am sure in every relationship are such moments. 

I don't think what you descibe here is typical of a healthy relationship, no. 

It was pretty clear that he didn't want what you wanted, and was not as invested as you. You say he included you in his life and plans, and yet this whole thread started because he blew you off on your birthday. 

You are talking out both sides of your mouth, OP. 

[Annama]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yes, you'd be together, but he'd be grumpy because he had given a fake apology and you'd be criticising him for not switching chairs or pouring your drinks and probably unhappy because he doesn't want you to move in.  This is not a match made in heaven.  

To me, it sounds like both of you owe apologies for stuff but neither of you think you did the wrong thing and neither of you is prepared to suck it up.  And I'm a firm believer that one should never apologise if they have reviewed their actions and believe their behaviour was acceptable. 

With the full story given, I think he was wrong about your birthday night and he should have apologised for not being more thoughtful and certainly for blocking you.  That was so childish!  But you're sounding nitpicky too.  What's with criticising him for not pouring your drinks when you were socialising in a group?  Assuming that you weren't incapacitated in some way, if everyone was pouring their own drinks, there's no reason why he should have been expected to serve you. When in Rome....and all that.    His comment when you asked to switch chairs was rude, but did you talk with the waitstaff to see if they could find a better chair for you?   Were you actually in serious pain?  If you'd done all you could to try and solve the issue and were in pain, he was wrong to not at least take turns with the bad chair. 

His lack of having you move in with him is one of the biggest things of all.  If he was happy just seeing you on weekends, it doesn't make any sense that you'd be thinking he could have asked you to share his place.  That's not to say that you were wrong in wanting a relationship where you see your partner more, but the two of you wanted very different things and it was the kind of thing where compromise wasn't going to be an option.  

This six months apart should have been for you to grieve the relationship and move on.  Not for you to be waiting on an apology in order to rekindle a relationship which was going nowhere and not meeting your needs. 

Thank you Basil, I agree with all you said. 

Drinks? Hmm where I am from, man looks after his woman at a party he invites her. She does not pour herself wine but maybe I was over the top. 

Chairs situation happened at friends house so no staff was present. I was in a pain hence I asked him to swap at least for a bit. He said he was super comfortable. This were minor issues but caused massive argument later. Over a week of not talking.

As for living together, yes he was happy with the weekends. But I thought after 3 years it will be a natural progression to live together. I never pushed or complaint about it. I was hurt when my lease ended he suggested I looked for 1 bed flat not so far from him. One thing he forgot, with my salary 3 times less than his, I could not afford it.

  So I rented a room while he lives alone in a large home. I felt resentment as being weekend girlfriend was tiring. Especially that during the week i barely heard from him. Maybe once twice a week. But he always said- i can call anytime!

My needs were silenced slightly.

[Annama]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think what you descibe here is typical of a healthy relationship, no. 

It was pretty clear that he didn't want what you wanted, and was not as invested as you. You say he included you in his life and plans, and yet this whole thread started because he blew you off on your birthday. 

You are talking out both sides of your mouth, OP. 

We agreed he will focus on very important project and we will celebrate my bday on the weekend. He had 3 days to finish and was so behind. But when I found out he is popping out to grab a bite with friends,  I got upset. We argued. I said things i shouldn't. I returned to office with no signal where he thought I put phone pn him.

When I tried to call back after work when I was calmer, I was blocked! Including over my bday weekend!

So its not like he completely ignored my bday. But all went wrong and from wrong to bad.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Annama said:

We agreed he will focus on very important project and we will celebrate my bday on the weekend. He had 3 days to finish and was so behind. But when I found out he is popping out to grab a bite with friends,  I got upset. We argued. I said things i shouldn't. I returned to office with no signal where he thought I put phone pn him.

When I tried to call back after work when I was calmer, I was blocked! Including over my bday weekend!

So its not like he completely ignored my bday. But all went wrong and from wrong to bad.

That's a different story to the one you started with.   You said "Later I called him and he announced he is going to have a bite with a few friends. I was gutted as I would love to have a bite with him on my birthday.   We argued. He explained it was meant to be quick bite. I lost signal getting to a train and he thought I dropped phone on him. So he blocked me a moment later...for 4 days. Then contacted me on Monday after my birthday was over. He did not apologise. He was sure we will just carry on as normal. I said this is it"

Just how long did it take you to call him back?  What things did you say that you shouldn't have?   I wonder if there is a good reason he's waiting for your apology.  Perhaps you both owe the other a genuine apology?

Edited June 17, 2022 by basil67

[Beachead]

@Annama,

At the moment, you're still thinking about how you lost the love of your life and how things could have been different.  You are seeing him as who you wanted him to be rather than who he is.  There were problems in the relationship and you had problems with him because he wasn't being who you wanted him to be.  Now that could be his fault, or yours, or both, I'm not sure, but ultimately you two were incompatible.   

Focus on what your relationship actually was, rather than what you wanted it to be and who he is rather than who you wished he could be. There were obviously reasons that caused the end.  Focus on that.   Make a list of these things on paper and stick it someplace that you'll see everyday.  When your thinking regresses, it'll be that piece of paper that will help ground you and get you focusing on the direction you need to be focusing on.  Simple, but yet very effective technique that worked for me.

If your relationship was going to last into the future, you'd be together and you would be happy together.  Not unhappy, and certainly not apart.  Things happen as they are meant to.

- Beach

Edited June 19, 2022 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/17/2022 at 7:56 AM, Annama said:

When I tried to call back after work when I was calmer, I was blocked! Including over my bday weekend!

Exactly. 

This doesn't happen in decent relationships. You're in denial about how crummy all of this was, and all the ways in which he was not a good partner. 

[Annama]

4 hours ago, Beachead said:

@Annama,

At the moment, you're still thinking about how you lost the love of your life and how things could have been different.  You are seeing him as who you wanted him to be rather than who he is.  There were problems in the relationship and you had problems with him because he wasn't being who you wanted him to be.  Now that could be his fault, or yours, or both, I'm not sure, but ultimately you two were incompatible.   

Focus on what your relationship actually was, rather than what you wanted it to be and who he is rather than who you wished he could be. There were obviously reasons that caused the end.  Focus on that.   Make a list of these things on paper and stick it someplace that you'll see everyday.  When your thinking regresses, it'll be that piece of paper that will help ground you and get you focusing on the direction you need to be focusing on.  Simple, but yet very effective technique that worked for me.

If your relationship was going to last into the future, you'd be together and you would be happy together.  Not unhappy, and certainly not apart.  Things happen as they are meant to.

- Beach

Thank you so much. I will follow this advice! I do feel like I lost love of my life. It is sad that something that could be squashed in a few min, caused break up. So final.

On 6/17/2022 at 6:40 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think what you descibe here is typical of a healthy relationship, no. 

It was pretty clear that he didn't want what you wanted, and was not as invested as you. You say he included you in his life and plans, and yet this whole thread started because he blew you off on your birthday. 

You are talking out both sides of your mouth, OP. 

We agreed he will focus on very important project and we will celebrate my bday on the weekend. He had 3 days to finish and was so behind. But when I found out he is popping out to grab a bite with friends,  I got upset. We argued. I said things i shouldn't. I returned to office with no signal where he thought I put phone pn him.

When I tried to call back after work when I was calmer, I was blocked! Including over my bday weekend!

So its not like he completely ignored my bday. But all went wrong and from wrong to bad.

Edited June 19, 2022 by Annama

[stillafool]

On 6/16/2022 at 3:44 PM, Annama said:

I rented a room and he lives alone in a large house. Way to large for him alone. My mum said this was very telling. 

He didn't care where you had to go but wasn't offering for you to be with him.  There is a LS member whose gf had lost her place and he immediately stepped up and offered her to live with him.  This is what a man who actually cares about you would do and vice versa.  Yours could care less about your living arrangements.

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, Annama said:

So its not like he completely ignored my bday.

I'm not understanding how you don't see that he did ignore your bday.  He kept you blocked the entire weekend of your bday thus ignoring you.  He didn't want a chance to hear from you, work it out, and then go on to celebrate your bday, that's why he left you blocked.   Whatever you said to him I'm sure wasn't so bad that you guys couldn't talk about it.  He didn't want to work it out so he left you blocked.

[NuevoYorko]

On 6/16/2022 at 7:10 AM, Annama said:

 

But still cant get my head around the fact he rather be alone than apologise to me and be with me

 

I can't get my head around how you would want to be in this relationship.   You've described him in a pretty unflattering light - I certainly wouldn't want to know him.  You also describe your own behavior (passive aggressive) and the relationship in general as being quite unhealthy.  

An apology from the guy would not change any of it.

Move on.  

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, Annama said:

When I tried to call back after work when I was calmer, I was blocked! Including over my bday weekend!

I know. You already posted the exact same thing. 

It just wasn't the relationship you wanted it to be. No matter how much you try to convince yourself now that it was generally alright, your first posts on this thread tell the real story about how bad this made you feel. 

I think you need to set your standards a lot higher. 

[Beachead]

53 minutes ago, Annama said:

I got upset. We argued. I said things i shouldn't. I returned to office with no signal where he thought I put phone pn him.

When I tried to call back after work when I was calmer, I was blocked! Including over my bday weekend!

The argument and him blocking you came from some kind of pre-existing underlying problem/problems in your relationship.  By this point, things were not okay.  It might seem like he got upset over you not picking up the phone, and thus blocked you, when it was really about other things in the past.    Most people who feel good in a relationship, would have given you the benefit of the doubt.  He on the other hand, assumed the worst about you and jumped to a conclusion. 

Edited June 19, 2022 by Beachead