Married to a person who probably has (NPD) Narcissist Personality Disorder and am deciding 'why' to stay.

[weddingdoubts]

I’ve just realised that I am married to a person who probably has (NPD) Narcissist Personality Disorder (or at the very least is an ‘extreme’ narcissist) and the saddest part is I cannot trust them and ‘connect’ to them, and when I saw the following bullet-points in one of the descriptions of what to expect when living with a partner with NPD, I realised I need help dealing with it.

    •    Set boundaries
    •    Don’t get caught up in their way of viewing you
    •    Be prepared for the relationship to change
    •    Don’t take it personally
    •    Let go of any need for approval from the person with NPD
    •    Look for other people who will support you
    •    Look for other sources of meaning and fulfilment in your life

Sadly, it all seems to tell me to ‘draw the line’ when getting involved with the person, not to get to ‘personal’ with them, and look for other people and sources of meaning and fulfilment in life.

So, my question is - what is the point of staying with a person with NPD if I have to find trust, meaningful connection and support from other people or sources (which to me, is the heart of a relationship), so why stay with a person who doesn’t provide anything I am looking for in a relationship?

Thanks for your help!

 

ps. I also just saw this in my 'research' on Google  which also begets my question about 'why' to stay... 

 

"Relationships that survive will rely on the partner having good self-esteem, strong boundaries, resources that are valued by the narcissist, patience, an even-tempered personality, and a reason to stay. Over time, this sort of self esteem will need good reinforcement from other parts of your life, like work or friends, to be maintained."

Edited February 16, 2022 by weddingdoubts
additional info

[glows]

Are you seeing a therapist or seeking individual help? I’d focus on your low feelings instead of attempting to diagnose your partner. Focus on you and what you need to do for yourself to survive or move past this relationship. 

I went back to read your earliest thread and concerns during your engagement or how she seemed to be unsympathetic and rude to you. While I didn’t comment on the thread I agree with the majority of comments which identified her behaviour as lacking empathy or even quite weird. I’d say abrupt. 

You mentioned she said she may be autistic. What came of that discussion? Was it just forgotten? How did you go from autism to NPD in four years? 

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been married? How long did you date before marriage? Weren't the warning signs present before? 

Are you unhappy in the marriage or are there other problems? Do you get along with her and her friends and family.

The best thing you can do is see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss your distress, anxiety and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Is divorce or annulment allowed in your culture? If so also consult an attorney for information about your options in divorce.

You can Google and apply labels, but that won't help you or your unhappy marriage.

[weddingdoubts]

Yes, I did post earlier… I actually tried to find them (to re-read my concerns back then), but couldn’t... I actually search for posts by my username, and it didn’t show any, but I just clicked on my username now, and could see them  Thanks!

Anyway, to answer you questions - the autistic spectrum was actually her self-diagnosis, which makes sense in some ways, but from my viewpoint, I am seeing more of the NPD, or at least vey high on the narcissistic spectrum. I have told her this, but have no idea how to get her into therapy to recognise it. I am looking at joining a support group for partners with NPD, and see how that goes… I’m afraid it will be mostly women with male partners, but hopefully I can learn from them as well

Yes, I am focusing on myself, but that is where my dilemma arises - if I am just taking care of myself in a relationship, why be in it? I am losing a little bit more ‘love’ for her every time we have a major incident, and we don’t have kids (although she wants them), don’t own a house, or even a car together, so I feel like less and less is there for me in this relationship

We’ve only been married a few years, and together a couple before that, so it’s all happened rather quickly, but yes - divorce is an option, (I think we’re past the annulment time period) and there is no stigma or problems with getting one. I am not super-close to her family or friends, so no great loss there either.

Anyway, thanks again for all your help & support  

Edited February 17, 2022 by weddingdoubts
correction

[stillafool]

So you never recognized symtoms of BPD for a whole 2 years before you married her?  Now after being married a few years what do you mean it happened so  quickly you're thinking of divorce?

Edited February 17, 2022 by stillafool

[weddingdoubts]

Well, I've always known something was a bit amiss... I posted before we got married looking for advice as well, but now it seems to have become more evident. I'm sure it takes some people a little more time to be certain of what is happening?

[glows]

I can see you’re at the end of your tether and struggling to decide what to do or where to go from here. Maybe this is it or maybe you’ll decide to stay awhile longer.

Whatever you choose, know that’s life is exceedingly short and if you’ve forgotten what a loving, supportive or compatible relationship looks like, reflect awhile and have your own idea of what that might look like. It’s very easy to believe that this is all there is in life especially with a commitment like marriage. I’m sorry you’re filled with so much doubt. 

[Wiseman2]

Is this an arranged marriage? You were worried she was autistic during your engagement.  Now you think you're autistic and she's a narcissist?

Do both of you work? Do both of you have health insurance? 

At your ages, the best thing both of you can do is get an evaluation from your physicians about your physical and mental health.

Playing guessing games about each other's supposed mental health labels won't help your marriage or either of you.

 

 

[BaileyB]

On 2/16/2022 at 4:40 PM, weddingdoubts said:

So, my question is - what is the point of staying with a person with NPD if I have to find trust, meaningful connection and support from other people or sources (which to me, is the heart of a relationship), so why stay with a person who doesn’t provide anything I am looking for in a relationship?

I wouldn’t. Quite seriously, I would rather be single than be in a bad marriage. 

[Lauriebell82]

My ex husband has NPD. I recognized there was something "off" about him but chalked it up to him being a control freak and of course his behavior didn't escalate to the extreme until after we were married (which is super common for narcissists to not take off their "masks" completely until after marriage). 

He ended up divorcing me..I never would have left given we had two young children and I was raised in a home with strong family values and stigmatizes divorce. Plus at the time I had no clue what a narcissist was until after the divorce took place and I learned that in reality his behavior (and him blaming me for most of what he had ironically caused) I had internalized and actually believed. Narcs are really good at projection and manipulating you into believing that you are responsible for all the problems and they are the innocent victims. Since our divorce I have been in therapy continously and gotten a lot stronger in order to learn to coparent with him and it has proven very successful. He has not changed, but what HAS changed is not only the way I deal with him, but the way I think about myself and I don't internalize what he says or does. It's about our kids after all. 

I think if you are going to deal with a narc in any capacity (marriage, coparenting, ect) you have to have a very strong sense of self, strong support system, and be able to understand that their behavior is NOT about you. It's about their own insecurities that they project onto you. Good luck! I think therapy would be very useful for support for you.