LD wife is cheating on me

[Happyistogether]

I’m broken.

my LD wife has been cheating on me consistently since she left to another country. On the few times I’ve caught her out, she has lied about it with the dumbest lies. I caught her again, and she again made up the weakest lie. This sent me into another downward spiral; so I made up my mind that I would end our relationship.

previously, she cheated on me with the same guy, came clean about it and told me she would never do that again. I find out it’s been the same guy for months now. I’m heartbroken; not by the sex, but by the fact that she has been so easily lying to me for the past year. (We’ve been apart for just over a year). 
 

I wrote my feelings down on a letter and read it to her. In the letter it highlighted all the problems in our relationship and how she has neglected me. To my utter surprise, she completely glossed over all of that, instead saying how hurt she was, made excuses and tried to justify her actions. I can see that she has had to justify her actions to herself, but that story won’t work on someone else, it’s one of those things that you manage to convince yourself about but when you say out loud doesn’t make any sense. It was made even worse when she made it seem like all of this was my fault because I forced her into making this decision to move country.

admittedly I could have done more to put us in a better position financially and career wise so that she may never have needed to move, but I still feel that given the chance she would’ve still taken the opportunity to move. She’s highly ambitious and driven and relishes in challenges so I don’t see the story changing based on my own position; for her she needs to be doing something highly challenging to feel herself to be valuable.

im at the bottom of this mountain now looking up. We have a child together and he’s here with me. I know I have to keep it together so that his life is not interrupted. I’ve just got no idea where to begin - she was my first real girlfriend, first real partner and then my wife. I’ve never broken up with anyone before. I’ve never been cheated on before. 
 

Is it so much to ask for honesty? Should I have just left the sleeping dogs to lie and never pressed her for the truth? She was pretty angry at me for making her tell me, she wanted it to be her dirty secret, her guilty pleasure and when we got back together, it would all just be forgotten. I just couldn’t live in the lies, it drove me crazy because I knew she was lying and it started to negatively affect my mental health. I felt like I was the crazy one; that I was being insecure and that I was causing problems where there weren’t any. 
 

in some ways, I feel free. Free of the lies and unchained from the torment of always wondering, always doubting myself and always guessing. Now that the truth is out I feel a sense of relief that I’m not crazy and I wasn’t making things up. It doesn’t stem the flow of anger, disappointment and bitter sadness that I feel.

My soulmate has betrayed me and worst of all seems like there’s no remorse. I think the web of lies and deceit has gotten so intense that it became hard for her to live her life normally, so perhaps in that way she too is freed. Free to pursue her cheap thrills without the guilt attached to it, without the fear of being caught and without the worry of tomorrow.

I hope that there is some light in this darkness.

Edited February 19, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarify title

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, Happyistogether said:

 It was made even worse when she made it seem like all of this was my fault because I forced her into making this decision to move country.

To be fair, it sounds like she has a point.  While it doesn't justify cheating, forcing her to move country, away from you and her son is a great way to destroy the marital bond.  And with broken marital bond, there's likely nothing which makes her care whether or not she's faithful to you..  I feel that there is probably a very complex story behind her actions and your choices and it's hard to advise what to do without understanding this history.

What's the background to all of this?  How can you force her to move country?  And why doesn't she have access to her son?

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. How long have you been married? Why did she move to another country? Are you from different cultures/countries? Was she deported?

Talk to an attorney about having the marriage dissolved. It's not working. You're not able to afford to live as a family and she is living her life back in her country without you.

[Happyistogether]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

To be fair, it sounds like she has a point.  While it doesn't justify cheating, forcing her to move country, away from you and her son is a great way to destroy the marital bond.  And with broken marital bond, there's likely nothing which makes her care whether or not she's faithful to you..  I feel that there is probably a very complex story behind her actions and your choices and it's hard to advise what to do without understanding this history.

What's the background to all of this?  How can you force her to move country?  And why doesn't she have access to her son?

 

Na there was no force, but it was a job at a company that she really wanted. I supported her all the way. 

[Lovele]

Nothing justifies cheating and lying to your partner. I completely get how hurt you must be. I am so sorry, this happened. I hope you can feel better soon.

[Happyistogether]

5 hours ago, Happyistogether said:

I’m broken.

my LD wife has been cheating on me consistently since she left to another country. On the few times I’ve caught her out, she has lied about it with the dumbest lies. I caught her again, and she again made up the weakest lie. This sent me into another downward spiral; so I made up my mind that I would end our relationship.

previously, she cheated on me with the same guy, came clean about it and told me she would never do that again. I find out it’s been the same guy for months now. I’m heartbroken; not by the sex, but by the fact that she has been so easily lying to me for the past year. (We’ve been apart for just over a year). 
 

I wrote my feelings down on a letter and read it to her. In the letter it highlighted all the problems in our relationship and how she has neglected me. To my utter surprise, she completely glossed over all of that, instead saying how hurt she was, made excuses and tried to justify her actions. I can see that she has had to justify her actions to herself, but that story won’t work on someone else, it’s one of those things that you manage to convince yourself about but when you say out loud doesn’t make any sense. It was made even worse when she made it seem like all of this was my fault because I forced her into making this decision to move country.

admittedly I could have done more to put us in a better position financially and career wise so that she may never have needed to move, but I still feel that given the chance she would’ve still taken the opportunity to move. She’s highly ambitious and driven and relishes in challenges so I don’t see the story changing based on my own position; for her she needs to be doing something highly challenging to feel herself to be valuable.

im at the bottom of this mountain now looking up. We have a child together and he’s here with me. I know I have to keep it together so that his life is not interrupted. I’ve just got no idea where to begin - she was my first real girlfriend, first real partner and then my wife. I’ve never broken up with anyone before. I’ve never been cheated on before. 
 

Is it so much to ask for honesty? Should I have just left the sleeping dogs to lie and never pressed her for the truth? She was pretty angry at me for making her tell me, she wanted it to be her dirty secret, her guilty pleasure and when we got back together, it would all just be forgotten. I just couldn’t live in the lies, it drove me crazy because I knew she was lying and it started to negatively affect my mental health. I felt like I was the crazy one; that I was being insecure and that I was causing problems where there weren’t any. 
 

in some ways, I feel free. Free of the lies and unchained from the torment of always wondering, always doubting myself and always guessing. Now that the truth is out I feel a sense of relief that I’m not crazy and I wasn’t making things up. It doesn’t stem the flow of anger, disappointment and bitter sadness that I feel.

My soulmate has betrayed me and worst of all seems like there’s no remorse. I think the web of lies and deceit has gotten so intense that it became hard for her to live her life normally, so perhaps in that way she too is freed. Free to pursue her cheap thrills without the guilt attached to it, without the fear of being caught and without the worry of tomorrow.

I hope that there is some light in this darkness.

 

5 hours ago, Happyistogether said:

I’m broken.

my LD wife has been cheating on me consistently since she left to another country. On the few times I’ve caught her out, she has lied about it with the dumbest lies. I caught her again, and she again made up the weakest lie. This sent me into another downward spiral; so I made up my mind that I would end our relationship.

previously, she cheated on me with the same guy, came clean about it and told me she would never do that again. I find out it’s been the same guy for months now. I’m heartbroken; not by the sex, but by the fact that she has been so easily lying to me for the past year. (We’ve been apart for just over a year). 
 

I wrote my feelings down on a letter and read it to her. In the letter it highlighted all the problems in our relationship and how she has neglected me. To my utter surprise, she completely glossed over all of that, instead saying how hurt she was, made excuses and tried to justify her actions. I can see that she has had to justify her actions to herself, but that story won’t work on someone else, it’s one of those things that you manage to convince yourself about but when you say out loud doesn’t make any sense. It was made even worse when she made it seem like all of this was my fault because I forced her into making this decision to move country.

admittedly I could have done more to put us in a better position financially and career wise so that she may never have needed to move, but I still feel that given the chance she would’ve still taken the opportunity to move. She’s highly ambitious and driven and relishes in challenges so I don’t see the story changing based on my own position; for her she needs to be doing something highly challenging to feel herself to be valuable.

im at the bottom of this mountain now looking up. We have a child together and he’s here with me. I know I have to keep it together so that his life is not interrupted. I’ve just got no idea where to begin - she was my first real girlfriend, first real partner and then my wife. I’ve never broken up with anyone before. I’ve never been cheated on before. 
 

Is it so much to ask for honesty? Should I have just left the sleeping dogs to lie and never pressed her for the truth? She was pretty angry at me for making her tell me, she wanted it to be her dirty secret, her guilty pleasure and when we got back together, it would all just be forgotten. I just couldn’t live in the lies, it drove me crazy because I knew she was lying and it started to negatively affect my mental health. I felt like I was the crazy one; that I was being insecure and that I was causing problems where there weren’t any. 
 

in some ways, I feel free. Free of the lies and unchained from the torment of always wondering, always doubting myself and always guessing. Now that the truth is out I feel a sense of relief that I’m not crazy and I wasn’t making things up. It doesn’t stem the flow of anger, disappointment and bitter sadness that I feel.

My soulmate has betrayed me and worst of all seems like there’s no remorse. I think the web of lies and deceit has gotten so intense that it became hard for her to live her life normally, so perhaps in that way she too is freed. Free to pursue her cheap thrills without the guilt attached to it, without the fear of being caught and without the worry of tomorrow.

I hope that there is some light in this darkness.

Quick edit: I did not force her to do anything; she feels like I forced the situation by not having my s*** together. 
 

context: I was studying to be a doctor, due to being scammed and family financial problems I was unable to graduate and started working. I earned more than enough money to support the three of us; money was never an issue, it was more about finding success in a career than the money issue.

[Happyistogether]

34 minutes ago, Lovele said:

Nothing justifies cheating and lying to your partner. I completely get how hurt you must be. I am so sorry, this happened. I hope you can feel better soon.

Thank you.

[BaileyB]

It hurts now, but with a little time and distance you will see that your life is better without this woman in your life. Take care of yourself and take care of your child. Get some counselling if you need it. But - try to look forward, not backward. Deal with her only as it relates to the fact that you will need to coparent with her. Otherwise, this woman is not worth your time or emotional energy anymore. 

[mark clemson]

11 hours ago, Happyistogether said:

 I’ve just got no idea where to begin - she was my first real girlfriend, first real partner and then my wife. I’ve never broken up with anyone before. I’ve never been cheated on before.

I hope that there is some light in this darkness.

Yes, there is but you will have to work for it.

IF you reconcile, there is that. It sounds like divorce is more likely. In that case IF you work on yourself and pull your life together, physically and financially, you will find that "the worm turns" for men later in life and suddenly there are plenty of women chasing the remaining "worthy" men who haven't been snapped up into relationships.

So - (1) take care of your kid, (2) get your finances and career fully in order (and get a beneficial spousal support arrangement, assuming you divorce, if your wife earns more and you legally can), and (3) when you're ready to move on, work on becoming as attractive a man as possible, e.g. physically, grooming, confidence/self-assurance, etc.

This is all easier said than done; however IF you can do this (and it's mostly a matter of steady, consistent, well-planned effort) then you will end up an attractive and financially stable single adult man. As such, you will have many romantic options, particularly in a metropolitan area with a high population, and indeed may have more interested women than you know what to do with. Some will have a problem with the kid, many will not and many single women will have their own so you'll be on equal footing.

So you, there's definitely light, but you have to make your way out of the "tunnel" to get there.

[Bryanp]

A true soul mate would never have done this to you.

Your life will be tremendous in the future. Count on it!

[Happyistogether]

11 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Yes, there is but you will have to work for it.

IF you reconcile, there is that. It sounds like divorce is more likely. In that case IF you work on yourself and pull your life together, physically and financially, you will find that "the worm turns" for men later in life and suddenly there are plenty of women chasing the remaining "worthy" men who haven't been snapped up into relationships.

So - (1) take care of your kid, (2) get your finances and career fully in order (and get a beneficial spousal support arrangement, assuming you divorce, if your wife earns more and you legally can), and (3) when you're ready to move on, work on becoming as attractive a man as possible, e.g. physically, grooming, confidence/self-assurance, etc.

This is all easier said than done; however IF you can do this (and it's mostly a matter of steady, consistent, well-planned effort) then you will end up an attractive and financially stable single adult man. As such, you will have many romantic options, particularly in a metropolitan area with a high population, and indeed may have more interested women than you know what to do with. Some will have a problem with the kid, many will not and many single women will have their own so you'll be on equal footing.

So you, there's definitely light, but you have to make your way out of the "tunnel" to get there.

Thank you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Happy, sorry to see you here. From your OP it is apparent that you are in emotional turmoil. As some others have said, you are better off without the woman who you thought was your soulmate. If, in the short space of a year she could cheat on you so frequently, then she is certainly not marriage material. I have dome questions for you if you would be so kind to answer them. Firstly, how old are you and how old is your wife(ex?). Secondly, how long were you two married and how old is your child? Thirdly, do you reside in the US and work there and is your wife a citizen of a European nation or is she from somewhere else? Lastly, what is the kind of job that you do and does it pay well and do you have good career prospects in it? What about your wife's qualifications and her profession? What kind of a job was available in her home country that was so attractive for her that she was prepared to abandon her family including her small son, and move there. Before she went, what plans did the two of you discuss for your long term relationship and the means to be put in place for it's long term sustainability? 

I am sorry if these questions seem intrusive and you are at liberty to ignore them or answer them in generic terms. However, if you do choose to answer them, a lot of matters will become clearer to the good folk here and enable them to give you specific advice, based on their own experience which may be of great help to you in charting your future course of action. In the mean time I wish you the very best and hope that you are able to cope with this tragedy in your life with courage and fortitude both for your own sake and for the sake of your young child. Warm regards.