Boyfriend broke up with me due to his mental health issues

[Twinklinglights]

Hi all. I’m suffering a bit right now since my bf broke up with me last week. 

I (28F) met A (30M) on a dating app almost a year ago. The beginning was very “Love is Blind” – we spoke on the phone everyday for the first five weeks before meeting due to me temporarily being in a different city. When we finally met, it was like fireworks and sparks and every cliche you could think of. 

About a month in of dating exclusively, he shared that he was going through some personal issues and wasn’t ready to enter into a relationship. I learn that he is very hard on himself, doesn’t love himself, and is unhappy with many aspects of his life – mainly his career. Every day he wakes up with major anxiety that he has to improve and this plagues him but he compartmentalizes it. He has one main business that he’s had for eight years (that he hates), a contract job, and a new start-up on the side. He owns a rental home, makes decent money (90k), but feels it isn’t good enough, that he’s failing. 

I realize now that he was giving me an out then, but I said we should just take things slow and see where they go. I felt that if I was a supportive and loving person in his life, then that would create a healthy environment where he can heal. Over the coming months our relationship blossomed and our connection grew stronger. We just have so much fun together. He is so generous with me and always treats me to nice dinners, drinks, and tickets to things. I officially become his girlfriend six months in and we finally have sex for the first time. I feel so thankful I didn’t abandon ship. 

Fast forward to the beginning of 2022. I begin noticing he’s acting different, antsy. He stops spending the night when he comes over, his mental health takes a nosedive, and everything in his life seems so overwhelming. I learn he’s no longer in therapy. He begins having panic attacks for the first time, and after his second one last week, he calls me all hazy and confused and breaks up with me. 

He says he realizes he’s not getting better, and that he has to focus solely on himself right now and no one else before it’s too late to make a change. I beg him to reconsider, that I am willing to support him no matter what, but he says our relationship will suffer if we stay together, no matter how much he wants to be with me. He says he won’t have the time or energy for this to be a relationship functioning at 100%. He says I deserve better than what he has to give me right now, and that he needs to be whole first before he can fully be devoted to another person. He tells me not to wait for him. 

I’m shattered. We are so connected, so compatible, and this reason for it ending is hard to stomach. It feels unacceptable because the love and feelings are still there. He comes over the next day and we both cry and hold each other in bed. The day after I receive two dozen red roses from him and a note that says “Thank you for supporting me and loving me unconditionally.”

We don’t speak again for a few days and I get the impression he somewhat regrets his hasty decision but not enough to reverse it. We meet and he says being friends might be a good transitional step for us. I told him that he should be the one to reach out first. 

A few days pass of no contact, and then he calls me. It feels so good to hear his voice. I grew so attached to speaking to him every day for ten months. We speak for about 45 minutes, and he says he thinks about me all day. I could tell he misses me. I was such a stabilizing and constant presence in his life and he doesn’t have many people he can talk to. 

The next day, we spontaneously meet for a coffee. We have another heavy talk about the ending of our relationship. On multiple occasions he reaches out and hugs me. I feel him inhaling so deeply when his face is near my neck and hair, like he was being comforted by the scent of me. 

I leave the conversation honestly even more confused. He said that while we were together, he saw me as someone who he could build a life with, have children with, but he doesn’t know now what our future entails—whether that’s friendship or getting back together. 

On my drive home I realized how messed up this “friends” situation really is. I want to be there for him because I’m genuinely concerned about his well-being, but he threw away the right to be in my life when he ended things with me. He hasn’t had to really deal with the consequences of his actions — me being out of his life — because we’ve still been in contact. 

All I want right now is for him to come back to me when he’s in a better place. I know this is an unhealthy thought and that I should move on, but I feel so strongly that we should be in each other lives. 

It’s been two days since we met up and neither of us have reached out. All I know is that he went to therapy yesterday. 

So… what would you do in my situation?

Attempt to move on but wait for him?

Go no contact?

Does going no contact ever work I’m getting your ex back in this situation? I feel so pathetic even typing that sentence. 

TLDR: ex recently broke up with me to focus on himself, mainly on his mental health and career. We decide to be friends but I still love him. What do I do?

Edited February 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Twinklinglights said:

Attempt to move on but wait for him?

The former, yes. The latter, no. 

He is all over the map and told you himself not to wait for him. That is not something someone who sees a future with you says. Sadly, I think he misses your companionship but he knows this relationship isn't what he wants anymore. All you can do is take him at his word that he can't give you what he wants, whatever the reason may be. 

Don't remain friends with him, much as you want to. It will hurt and confuse you too much. No more chats or meet-ups. I would let him know you cannot offer him friendship since you are trying to heal. If he has any sense about him, he will get that. Maybe someday you could be friendly again, but now isn't the time.  

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. He may be charming, but unfortunately he's too unstable to have a relationship with.

Perhaps he uses drugs, perhaps he's bipolar, perhaps any number of things.

Step way back. Especially from the notion that your love will heal him.

If he is as unstable as you describe, don't play psychiatrist. Just step back so you don't get hurt.