Contact my friend/crush after blocking him?

[Jessica241]

Ok so first of all.. you can be as mean as you want in the comments, I might need a virtual slapping here, but it really helps to express my feelings by writing or speaking out loud, so bear with me. 

So: met a guy online about 3 years ago. We were intimate up to a point from the very beginning, and I say up to a point because we couldn't really have sex because of what seems a problem of his. That was about 1.5 years ago, and since then we haven't discussed what seems to be a sexual dysfunction on his side, but he mentioned some severe problems with his back. After that, we continued talking almost daily about common interests,  with him sometimes (very rarely) referring to sexual encounters which I knew would only end with satisfaction on his side so I passed the offer because I would have felt used. I would have met him as friends if he wanted, but he did not seem interested in seeing me just for a chat or a walk. we had some long periods of not talking in the beginning and it was me who was reaching out again after a few weeks or months, but after that it was  him the one who would initiate contact online almost daily.

During the last 2 years I developed a very severe case of psoriasis which together with the pandemic limited greatly all the social interactions that I had and put me in a huge depression. During this period,  the daily interaction with him became the highlight of many of my days  and made me  develop feelings for him, although almost never feeling validated as more than a friend. He was always kind and friendly, would appreciate my smartness, my wit, etc, give me peptalks to keep going through my day, but he would tell me that he is not interested in more than a friendship at the moment, that he loves me and I am important to him and maybe one day.. you know the discourse.

He knows that I was in love with him, never promised me that there would be something between us but also kept me hanging and continued to insist staying in touch even when I told him I would prefer to get some distance because of my mental state and how the interaction with him was affecting me, making me feel unwanted. I would get mad at all the things he would do or rather not do. I was mad because he did not want to see me, ignoring my texts sometimes or talking mainly about himself.. The thing I was rarely in a bad mood when talking to him and never . I was a "good friend", always being nice instead of my depression, if I would have a bad day I would blame it on myself when talking to him, never calling him out on his hot n cold behaviour because I considered I didn't have the right to do so, although I know that he loved to keep me that way only to get  his daily validation out of something. After all I considered that what was disappointing me was my expectations and not him really. 

And now because you kind of get the main picture.. so a crush who knew he was my crush but insisted on keeping me in the friendzone... after one year of just talking, during which I thought we did have a connection as friends, he told me he would like to see me if I was down for some fun. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with casual sex where there are no feelings involved from any of the sides, but in this case some fun would have meant maybe a blow job for him, so not a lot of satisfaction for me. Because I was not in my best physical and mental state, his proposition was extremely upsetting. I was hoping for a friend who understood the state I was in, I thought we have a connection and when we would eventually meet we would be able to behave as friends. So initially I joked about it, but the following morning I realized I was feeling hurt and I wanted to get down from that rollercoaster of emotions. So I blocked him on everything.

It was 3 months ago and he did not try to reach out afterwards. I know he would say he just chose to respect my decision to mask his lack of interest. In these months I started a treatment that did wonders on my skin, I started going out again and having more interesting interactions, feeling really good about how I look and about how people perceive me. I can say that I feel like I love myself again and love more the people around me.  I travel, doing sports, feel motivated to study more for advancing my career and investing, so a lot of things that help me growing. When I was around him I was extremely insecure because of my condition,  in a very bad state although I was not gloomy all the time. And I feel like what it was transmitted through my blocking was actually a lot of anger for not meeting me half way, which I don't feel anymore towards him. I never hold a grudge against someone especially when I am not hurt intentionally. So I felt like reaching out again, let him know that I am in a really good place right now, that he is still someone that made a great impact on my life which I appreciate and let him be someone who I wish happy bday from time to time or ask if they are well. I don't know if this makes sense and I should let more time to pass in order to be sure  that my feelings for him faded for good before contacting or if I should even think of contacting him again . Part of me wants him around in the background just so he can witness how cool I actually am with my life right now and that I actually don't carry with me a lot of resentment for what happened, part of me is scared to go back to making him an important figure in my life. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jessica241 said:

he would tell me that he is not interested in more than a friendship. who knew he was my crush but insisted on keeping me in the friendzone... he told me he would like to see me if I was down for some fun.

Sorry this happened. It's best to block and delete him. As nice as the friendship seemed, he was too selfish. An iceberg all along.

Take care of yourself first.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.. There are many new treatments for psoriasis as well as depression. Ask for a referral to a dermatologist as well as a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

You can find dates and relationships but avoid emotionally defective damaging men like this..

 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Jessica241 said:

He knows that I was in love with him, never promised me that there would be something between us but also kept me hanging and continued to insist staying in touch even when I told him I would prefer to get some distance because of my mental state and how the interaction with him was affecting me, making me feel unwanted. I would get mad at all the things he would do or rather not do. I was mad because he did not want to see me, ignoring my texts sometimes or talking mainly about himself.. The thing I was rarely in a bad mood when talking to him and never . I was a "good friend", always being nice instead of my depression, if I would have a bad day I would blame it on myself when talking to him, never calling him out on his hot n cold behaviour because I considered I didn't have the right to do so, although I know that he loved to keep me that way only to get  his daily validation out of something. After all I considered that what was disappointing me was my expectations and not him really. 

Kindly you are blaming him for keeping you in this situation when you kept yourself there.  He was rejecting you at every turn and not even wanting sex with you, but only a blow job.  Why would you even want to see this guy again after the way he has treated you; but to be fair he has been nothing but honest with you.  Of course he's going to let you hang around feeding his ego but how could he stop you?  You weren't his friend you are a girl who wants a relationship with him but he is not interestedin anything from you but head.  Don't go back for more rejection from him.  Use your new skin to find a guy who expresses his desire for you.  This one will tear your heart to shreds.

[Jessica241]

11 hours ago, stillafool said:

He was rejecting you at every turn 

Thank you, I'll let that sink in :)) 

Thank you both for taking the time to read, send me your thoughts, and help me reinforce my position. I am glad that instead of reaching for the phone I reached for your support. 

  Of course it would be very stupid from my side to risk willingly going back to a situation I tried so hard to get out of after  I finally found the strength to put a stop to it and see it for what it was (not a friendship anyway).  

 

[glows]

Don't contact him again. I don't think he has any business knowing whether you are alive or doing well. He chose to make you an option and then abused the friendship by proposing an fwb situation knowing that you had deeper feelings for him. Come on, lady. Have some strength and reserve to walk away from this low down example of a "friend". He was no friend at all and is likely struggling with his own issues and demons. 

Leave him alone and carry on.

[ILuvSunshine]

On 2/23/2022 at 2:13 PM, glows said:

Don't contact him again. I don't think he has any business knowing whether you are alive or doing well. He chose to make you an option and then abused the friendship by proposing an fwb situation knowing that you had deeper feelings for him. Come on, lady. Have some strength and reserve to walk away from this low down example of a "friend". He was no friend at all and is likely struggling with his own issues and demons. 

Leave him alone and carry on.

 

Edited February 28, 2022 by ILuvSunshine