Emmylou_H Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 Hello. So I have been dating someone for about a month now. We talked for about a month and a half before meeting up. Initially I liked him-has a lot of qualities I really admire in a partner that I haven’t been able to find up until now. We have already told each other we are in love and things seem to be going well. The issue is that we live a little over an hour from each other and can often only meet up every other weekend due to our schedules. When I don’t see him for a while I feel really lonely and vulnerable. I guess I find myself missing him and it takes a few days after seeing him to recover from that feeling. I am not skilled in LDRs and I am wondering what I can do to maintain the relationship with him. I do think he’s worth it and each time we hang out we get closer to each other. I’m planning on finding a job closer to the city where he lives-something I was planning on doing before we even met. I am just wondering if anyone has some good advice out there for me. I would hate to lose the connection with him. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 Hmmm, I used to date a couple of guys who lived an hour away from me and we still saw each other a few times a week. We didn't mind the sacrifice. Drive to my place, spend the night, get up an extra hour early and drive to work. On weekends I would drive to his place, spend the weekend and drive the hour home. How old are you guys and do you each have your own places and cars? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emmylou_H Posted February 21, 2022 Author Share Posted February 21, 2022 @stillafoolwe are 36 and 37, both have our own places and our own cars. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 21 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said: we are 36 and 37, both have our own places and our own cars. It's going well. Let things unfold. After 30 days dating you shouldn't need to worry about resuscitating things to "keep it alive". Are you worried that he's not communicating between dates? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 Having previously been in a LDR that took multiple long haul flights to get to each other, it's admittedly difficult for me to view an hour's drive apart as a LDR. I suppose I could understand it if the people involved were young and had no transport (an hour's drive can quickly turn into 3 hours of public transport if you are unlucky), but if you're both in your 30s with cars, not so much. Why are you only able to meet once every other weekend? Is there really no way to get a day in each week? 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 If you've only been dating for a month ... and you meet every other weekend, how often have you spent time in person? I don't mean to be a buzzkiller, but how can you know you are in love already? Regardless, I really do think that you need to spend more time together in real life, and since you live an hour apart, this seems like it is quite do-able if you both prioritize it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 You could do an online course together one evening during the week 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 22, 2022 Share Posted February 22, 2022 4 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: @stillafoolwe are 36 and 37, both have our own places and our own cars. Well there you go. You guys have to make the sacrifice to drive. An hour isn't that long. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 22, 2022 Share Posted February 22, 2022 An hour really doesn't qualify as long distance. Heck, it takes longer than that to drive from one side of my city to the other. I think the bigger problem is that neither of you are making time to see the other. If you really want to give this a good go, you both need to clear some time in your schedules. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emmylou_H Posted February 22, 2022 Author Share Posted February 22, 2022 @NuevoYorkowhen we do spend time together, it’s for the whole weekend and we don’t get sick of each other. I feel kind of exhausted at the end of the day during a regular work week to drive to the cities and back in sometimes crappy weather. One thing I have worked out with my employer is to WFH Thursday and Fridays, considering doing that from his place if possible. He has offered to come see me during the week but we haven’t worked out the logistics of that yet. Also, he has children from a past marriage and he has them every other week. Suppose I should have included that in the mix. I don’t visit him when he has his kids, haven’t gotten to the point where he would introduce me to them yet, and that makes sense. I wouldn’t be ready for that anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emmylou_H Posted February 22, 2022 Author Share Posted February 22, 2022 @Wiseman2 I have some insecurities because of past relationships and I started out trusting him and the process but I’m always worried I’ll get ghosted out of nowhere or something. He is really an open communicator but he also has some concerns with commitment in the past that he has shared. I’m a little worried I’ll get hurt so I suppose the distance does leave me a little uneasy. He sends me texts and videos throughout the day. We also have agreed that the time apart isn’t always a bad thing because it allows us to not get too wrapped up in each other, which is something we are both inclined to do in relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 22, 2022 Share Posted February 22, 2022 (edited) I don't see an hour as long distance at all. Not even close. My ex lived about an hour away. We saw each other a lot and saw each other sometimes at the spur of the moment. (Speeding, we could make the trip outside rush hour to be about 45 minutes.) Now I will say this: when we weren't getting along, the hour-long trip seemed long. At the time I thought it really was the distance. Looking back, distance was never the problem. Our fights and disagreements were the problem. Why can't you guys see each other more frequently? Are you both raising kids still living with you? If you are really into each other it's actually hard to stop yourself from going to see each other. What's the problem here? Edited February 22, 2022 by Lotsgoingon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted February 22, 2022 Share Posted February 22, 2022 If you've only been dating for one month and you're already worrying about "keeping the relationship alive", and "losing the connection" then perhaps this isn't the guy for you. I'm wondering how it is that you've already told each other you love each other when you've only been dating a month. That's way too fast. Lots of things in this relationship sound unbalanced. It would be a good idea to stop rushing things. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emmylou_H Posted February 22, 2022 Author Share Posted February 22, 2022 @ShyVioletwe are both pretty passionate people and we think love can be defined in different ways. We definitely have had pretty deep conversations on the subject, especially how lust can feel like love. I agree slowing down would be good, mainly for me because I do tend to get lost in another person…which is something he confessed he does as well. I don’t think things are unbalanced, it’s just hard to start something new because there are some unknowns and also it takes being vulnerable to start something new. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emmylou_H Posted February 22, 2022 Author Share Posted February 22, 2022 @ShyVioletI should add again that my insecurities are showing up, mainly because I have had a lot of bad relationships in the past with emotionally unavailable people. I have been burned so much and I don’t want to go through that again. I am into this guy because he tells me/shows me I’m worthy of love. That’s something I’m so not used to. And he is super caring and very communicative, and holds really deep conversations with me. I feel in my head that maybe I should pull away to not get hurt before it even happens…I’m just always disaster planning because typically the worst case scenario happens to me in relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 22, 2022 Share Posted February 22, 2022 @Emmylou_H Him having kids on weekends certainly makes it more difficult, but you making work a bit more flexible could help. I hate to say it, but getting hurt is always a risk when we open our hearts to someone. But avoiding a good man out of a need to protect yourself only means that you'll never get to have a chance at love. Have you considered that a better way to manage the risk of getting hurt would be to work on your resilience? The power to know that even if it all goes bad, you will be OK. That you will recover and learn from the experience. It seems you've noticed a pattern in that the guys from your past were emotionally unavailable. Hopefully you can now you use that pattern to your advantage and weed out guys where there are warning signs of it happening again. That you'll look for guys who are open, and who's words match their actions. Again, this all helps reduce risk. It is still very early days. I think it's great that you're aware of the confusion between love/lust, but keep in mind that lust and endorphins would be at the forefront now. It's far, far too early for love - I mean, you've barely scratched the surface on getting to know each other. You obviously can't take the words back now, but do take them with a grain of salt until you get to know him better. Continue moving forward, letting the fledgling relationship develop at it's own pace. And honestly, if it doesn't stay alive by it's own accord then it's just not meant to be. And you will be OK. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emmylou_H Posted February 22, 2022 Author Share Posted February 22, 2022 @basil67Thank you for your response. I agree working on resilience would be a great idea.I’m happy I met someone who very likely won’t ghost me, rather if things start to not work out he will very likely voice those feelings to me. So you are right, there is a risk it won’t work out and I’ll get hurt, but I’m going to work on being OK if that happens. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emmylou_H Posted February 22, 2022 Author Share Posted February 22, 2022 @basil67Also, I don’t think there is a “too soon” to say you love someone if you really feel it. And we seem to be on the same page with that. I think love means something different for everyone. But I do agree with you that just seeing how this grows/pans out and moving slow for now would be a great idea. I would like to just move slow to ensure I don’t get these “in over my head” kind of feelings when I can’t be with him. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 22, 2022 Share Posted February 22, 2022 How many times have you been in the same place at the same time? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 22, 2022 Share Posted February 22, 2022 6 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: @NuevoYorko, he has children from a past marriage and he has them every other week. I don’t visit him when he has his kids, Ok for 30 days dating there are already so many logistical problems regarding distance, his custody schedule,etc. Do not take a job closer to his city. Then you're commuting to work a long distance for no reason. Especially given that you can't stay at his place when he has his kids half the time. 30 days dating is to see if you are a good fit. It's not to map out your future with him. As far as communication between visits, that too will be difficult if he's a single dad with 50/50 custody. Try to slow down and observe if this is working rather than trying to force it to work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emmylou_H Posted February 22, 2022 Author Share Posted February 22, 2022 @Wiseman2thank you. Just again for clarification I have been looking for a new job in the city and that is why I would be moving. It’s something I have been working on doing months before even meeting him! Just thought I would clear that up. But you are right, 30 days is a test period and I do think we are both aware of that because we have been having conversations surrounding the feasibility of me dating him when he has custody of his children every other week. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emmylou_H Posted February 22, 2022 Author Share Posted February 22, 2022 @NuevoYorkodo you mean how many times have we been on the same page so to speak? Or physically in the same place at the same time? My apologies for the confusion. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 22, 2022 Share Posted February 22, 2022 The trick to protecting yourself, as much as you can (there is risk in every relationship, including with friends and family) is to gradually open up. You don't go from 0 to 100 in revealing yourself. You share a little. Wait for a response. See if the response is one that feels good. Then you share more ... And you catch yourself. You make clear that you cannot really know someone well until months in. So you don't let your mind fantasize all day that two good dates means you have found a heavenly eternal soulmate. Two great fantastic dates = two fantastic dates. That's it. Also you have to know your own level of infatuation. Just because you feel all amazing after two dates or five dates doesn't actually mean anything. So you have to just be aware that your feelings aren't great judges of whether you should fall madly in love with someone. Sounds like you would benefit from finding a way that you don't just leap and give away your power in relationship. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 22, 2022 Share Posted February 22, 2022 2 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: @NuevoYorkodo you mean how many times have we been on the same page so to speak? Or physically in the same place at the same time? My apologies for the confusion. Physically together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emmylou_H Posted February 22, 2022 Author Share Posted February 22, 2022 @NuevoYorko I would say we have hung out around 10 days so far? We spend the entire day together, often long weekends. So I suppose this has actually been going on for a little over a month now? I’m giving him/this space. Haven’t spoken to him at all today and I’m trying my best to focus on things in my life. Also looking into how to build resiliency as well. Link to post Share on other sites
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