Feeling just used by my friend of 10+ years

[josi334]

Hi Guys,

I have been friends with K for more than 10 years and I always considered her a best a friend - we do a lot together, even go to trips, etc. We have had our issues but we talk about it and move on. She is also part of a small group of friends that she met through me and whatever any of these friends make plans, she is invited, so basically she became their friend too.

Anyways, I said I am feeling "just used" because she does not seem to really want to spend much time with me when we hang out.  We always meet to have food either at restaurants or occasionally I invite her over and cook for us. So, she asked me last week for us to go this Sunday to get mexican food and I said ok. We both like mexican food. The restaurant where we were going was close to where I leave. I said I would be available after 2pm and asked her what time she want to meet she said 4pm. I then told her I was making a berry crumble and if she wanted to have some we could go back to my place and have desert/coffee at my place after the restaurant. She said ok.

So we met at the restaurant, had dinner and then came to my place and just after the desert she said she was leaving, even though she didn't have to work today. So it felt like she was rushing and it is not the first time it happens. So our get together didn't even last 4 hours.

She complains often to me of friends/people who wants to meet for a short period of time saying that it feels like a doctor's appointment. K has another friend L that she meets sometimes that she complains about - K gets annoyed with L easily, so I asked K why do you keep hanging out with L and K tells me " She asked me to meet and I guess because I am a social person and I need to socialize", so now I really feel like K just uses because she needs to socialize and I go to eat Mexican food since I am always up to go.

The thing is I am reluctant to bring it up because I know she will get defensive and say that no, its not that, that I am wrong. Also, I don't want her to maybe try to do something, like hang out for longer, just because I am asking, but it is bothering me this situation. I really want to feel that the person is enjoying spending time me. Another thing that is happening is that when I ask her questions, when we are talking, sometimes she answers me in an "annoyed" tone. So, I brought this up once, and she was very defensive and said that no, that she was not annoyed at my question, and said " sorry that I sounded annoyed to you" in a defensive annoyed tone, even though I was trying to ask her if my question had bothered her and make sure I would apologise if it did. Hence, I notice that with other people she does not use that tone.

Anyway, thank you for reading.

Edited February 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

I feel that wanting more than four hours to catch up is a bit needy.   In my circles, all the women are generally comfortable with two or three hours.  Or a 45 minute coffee meet.   I've got one friend who I drive for an hour and a half to meet, and even then, three hours together is ample. 

With her responding in an annoyed tone to questions, what kind of questions are you asking?   Could it be that she finds them too personal or isn't in the mood to rehash the topic?   Remember that you don't have to probe as to what was wrong with problem - just make a mental note to not ask that question again and only discuss the topic if she raises it.  

All in all I would suggest you adjust your expectations of how much time she should spend with you - in both length of time and frequency of catching up.   And know that she'll always be around for a good chat when there's a group event.

[josi334]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I feel that wanting more than four hours to catch up is a bit needy.   In my circles, all the women are generally comfortable with two or three hours.  Or a 45 minute coffee meet.   I've got one friend who I drive for an hour and a half to meet, and even then, three hours together is ample. 

With her responding in an annoyed tone to questions, what kind of questions are you asking?   Could it be that she finds them too personal or isn't in the mood to rehash the topic?   Remember that you don't have to probe as to what was wrong with problem - just make a mental note to not ask that question again and only discuss the topic if she raises it.  

All in all I would suggest you adjust your expectations of how much time she should spend with you - in both length of time and frequency of catching up.   And know that she'll always be around for a good chat when there's a group event.

I don't think I am being needy. It is just I am noticing a change in her behavior with me. When we meet with the group, we spend almost a whole day sometimes, and she stays the whole time. She has another friend that she meets and they spend long hours, almost a whole day too. And in the past we would hang out for longer. 

I am asking questions that friends will ask each other, we are friends for over a decade - we went through a lot things together - we have closeness. Well, that is why I tried to clarify with her if my question had bothered her so I could apologize but she got defensive and said that no, my question didn't bother her. But like I said, the tone in her response was that she was annoyed by it. And I notice with the other members of the group or some of her other friends she does not use that tone.

[basil67]

Ok thanks for clarifying.  Friendships do come and go in our lives - perhaps the closeness of this friendship has simply run it's course. 

[ShyViolet]

I think you're jumping to conclusions and being unfair by saying that she "used" you just because she only stayed four hours and not the whole day.  Since when do friends have to stay the whole day when they hang out?  Why is she not allowed to leave a little early?  It can be exhausting to hang out with friends for an entire day.  Maybe she just wanted to have a shorter visit, maybe she had something else to do.  For me personally, if I go hang out with a friend, a couple of hours would be enough for me and then I'm ready to go home. 

[Wiseman2]

Round out your circle of friends. Get more involved in groups, clubs, sports and fitness, volunteer, get a side hustle, make new friends, take some classes and courses.

There's no need to be this overinvolved with her in particular. Just step back and breathe.

Is this the same friend:

 

[stillafool]

I think you're relying too much on her friendship.  People grow apart and maybe she doesn't feel she has as much in common with you as before.  So make new friends and hang out so you aren't waiting on her.  Of course she will stay longer when there is a group of friends to hang with because there's more people to interact with.  I've always grown uncomfortable when one of my girl friends become too possessive of me.  Maybe she's feeling that from you.

[glows]

Her leaving sounds abrupt but that could be the way it was described in your post. My read on this is that she senses you need her and may be looking for more time spent together and she doesn’t like that you place so much emphasis on this friendship. She may also feel tired after four hours or finds you’ve talked about all you need to talk about. 

Also, it was very nice of you to invite her over later but also seems extraordinarily planned in advance. Why not meet for dinner and then suggest she come over for crumble if you’re both feeling like it after dinner for example? Give yourselves that opportunity to raincheck or end the evening early.

In future keep the hang outs shorter and see whether things improve. I don’t think she’s using you in any way but your expectations and hers are very different. You have to give people some room to change their mind or go home early if they’re not feeling up to a second part or going some place else.

 

[stillafool]

28 minutes ago, glows said:

I don’t think she’s using you in any way but your expectations and hers are very different.

I don't see anything in what you wrote that suggests she's using you.

[SingFish]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I don't see anything in what you wrote that suggests she's using you.

I don't either. 

I get very anxious at times, and project that onto other people and my interpretations. 

[josi334]

14 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I think you're jumping to conclusions and being unfair by saying that she "used" you just because she only stayed four hours and not the whole day.  Since when do friends have to stay the whole day when they hang out?  Why is she not allowed to leave a little early?  It can be exhausting to hang out with friends for an entire day.  Maybe she just wanted to have a shorter visit, maybe she had something else to do.  For me personally, if I go hang out with a friend, a couple of hours would be enough for me and then I'm ready to go home. 

 I never said I expected her to hang out with me the whole day - what I am sensing is that she does not seem eager to hang out for longer as we did before or like she is eager to do with the group or some other people.  Actually, our hang out lasted almost 4 hours because I told her that I had made the desert and if she wanted to have some of it then we could do it after the dinner at my place, otherwise she would have gone home just after we had the dinner. Also, we had another friend of mine, whom she met before, to join us for the dinner and hangout, so me and her didn't even get to talk much about our week and other things we talk. Also, the fact the answers with an annoyed tone when I ask her questions, while I don't see her doing that with some other people, except her other friend who I mentioned in my first post, bothers me and it does not make me feel good to have this nagging feeling that I am often stepping in her toes. 

[josi334]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Round out your circle of friends. Get more involved in groups, clubs, sports and fitness, volunteer, get a side hustle, make new friends, take some classes and courses.

There's no need to be this overinvolved with her in particular. Just step back and breathe.

Is this the same friend:

 

No, it is not the same friend. Thank you for the suggestions, and yes, I am doing that - I have other people that I meet occasionally, I have been attending meet up events. But how this would help to resolve the issue I am having with this particular friend? 

I can distance myself, and I am, because honestly I am tired of the feeling that I annoy her just by trying to be a friend, but I know she will notice that I am distancing myself, and she will come ask me if everything is ok, what's wrong. 

[josi334]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

I think you're relying too much on her friendship.  People grow apart and maybe she doesn't feel she has as much in common with you as before.  So make new friends and hang out so you aren't waiting on her.  Of course she will stay longer when there is a group of friends to hang with because there's more people to interact with.  I've always grown uncomfortable when one of my girl friends become too possessive of me.  Maybe she's feeling that from you.

Yes, she is my closest friend at the moment but I do not think I am possessive of her at all - she does not spend a lot of time here - she goes and stays in Canada often( her husband lives there). She also travels often, she just spent 15 days in Mexico last month and we exchanged some texts while she was there, but didn't even talk on the phone. When she is here, we talk on the phone once a week for like an hour maybe and we meet on the weekend ( saturday or sunday) for a few hours to have food and if the weather is nice take a walk. And this past weekend it was her who asked me to go out for food.

[josi334]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

I don't see anything in what you wrote that suggests she's using you.

Well, the fact that she just wants to eat and leave, makes me wonder that - I am one of the few people she hangs out, if not the only one, who is always up to go to Mexican restaurants often. Also, she agreed to come over after the restaurant to eat the desert I had made, but as soon as we got to my place, we started talking and she kind interrupted us and asked if we could have the desert, so after we ate, she stayed maybe for half an hour more and decided to leave. Also, the fact that she told me that she hangs out with this other girl, whom she is always annoyed by, just because she needs to socialize, makes she think she that it is also the reason she hangs out with me.

[glows]

3 minutes ago, josi334 said:

Well, the fact that she just wants to eat and leave, makes me wonder that - I am one of the few people she hangs out, if not the only one, who is always up to go to Mexican restaurants often. Also, she agreed to come over after the restaurant to eat the desert I had made, but as soon as we got to my place, we started talking and she kind interrupted us and asked if we could have the desert, so after we ate, she stayed maybe for half an hour more and decided to leave. Also, the fact that she told me that she hangs out with this other girl, whom she is always annoyed by, just because she needs to socialize, makes she think she that it is also the reason she hangs out with me.

That’s why I suggested in future not over planning like this. You have very rigid expectations of your friends and it comes across as inflexible. You’re setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment. 

I think this boils down with your unhappiness with her in general and you’re finding all kinds of fault with this person. Spend more time with your other friends if her company is so lousy. Your life, live it well.

[josi334]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Her leaving sounds abrupt but that could be the way it was described in your post. My read on this is that she senses you need her and may be looking for more time spent together and she doesn’t like that you place so much emphasis on this friendship. She may also feel tired after four hours or finds you’ve talked about all you need to talk about. 

Also, it was very nice of you to invite her over later but also seems extraordinarily planned in advance. Why not meet for dinner and then suggest she come over for crumble if you’re both feeling like it after dinner for example? Give yourselves that opportunity to raincheck or end the evening early.

In future keep the hang outs shorter and see whether things improve. I don’t think she’s using you in any way but your expectations and hers are very different. You have to give people some room to change their mind or go home early if they’re not feeling up to a second part or going some place else.

 

Ok - not sure what you are really trying to tell me. Inviting her after it was not really planned, I actually told her about the desert I was making the morning of the day we were meeting - I was honestly making it for myself and told her about it. Also, we are longtime friends, if she is not feeling like coming over after, she is free to tell me and I will understand - we kind always go somewhere to get desert after dinner, or we go to either my place or her place after. I actually did not even get to talk much because we had this other friend with us, so the conversation was distributed among the tree of us. I say I feel used because her behavior is showing me that is not very eager to be in my company but still, she asks me to go to the restaurant because she knows I am always up to go to.

[ShyViolet]

48 minutes ago, josi334 said:

 I never said I expected her to hang out with me the whole day - what I am sensing is that she does not seem eager to hang out for longer as we did before or like she is eager to do with the group or some other people.  

Ok,, if you get the vibe from her that she doesn't enjoy spending time with you, and if you seem to be drifting apart, then just stop trying so hard to maintain this friendship.  Accept that you two are drifting apart, and make other friends.  I'm not sure what else you want us to tell you.

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, josi334 said:

 I actually did not even get to talk much because we had this other friend with us, so the conversation was distributed among the tree of us. I say I feel used because her behavior is showing me that is not very eager to be in my company but still, she asks me to go to the restaurant because she knows I am always up to go to.

It sounds to me like your problem is a bit of jealousy about her friendship with the other lady (excuse me if I'm wrong).  I don't see why you couldn't get your conversation in even with this other woman there unless she was constantly interrupting you.  If you had an issue that you needed to discuss with your friend privately you should have told her that.  Also did your friend invite herself over for the dessert?  I didn't think so, so I still don't understand how she used you.

[josi334]

I think you are missing the point I am trying to make - the other person who joined us is a guy friend of mine, kind new friend, and no, I am not jealous of him or of any other friend. I said I didn't get to talk much, as someone here suggested that maybe I had talked too much about me, because we had this other person and we all talked equally. And no, we didn't have anything in particular to discuss about - we were just hanging out like we usually do. And I do understand that she did not invite herself and she did not have to stay or even come, but my point is that her behavior with me is different than her behavior with other people, except with this other girl whom she complains about.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, josi334 said:

Also, we had another friend of mine, whom she met before, to join us for the dinner and hangout, so me and her didn't even get to talk much about our week and other things we talk.

I didn't realize this friend was a guy but that isn't the friend I was referring to.  If you wanted to talk to her why did you invite him?

20 minutes ago, josi334 said:

her behavior with me is different than her behavior with other people, except with this other girl whom she complains about.

This is the girl I was referring to about the jealousy.  You seem to be jealous of her relationship with her other friend.  If you do feel like she's treating you differently since she became friends with the other girl maybe your friendship has run it's course or it could be time to take a break from each other.

 

Edited February 22, 2022 by stillafool

[josi334]

52 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I didn't realize this friend was a guy but that isn't the friend I was referring to.  If you wanted to talk to her why did you invite him?

This is the girl I was referring to about the jealousy.  You seem to be jealous of her relationship with her other friend.  If you do feel like she's treating you differently since she became friends with the other girl maybe your friendship has run it's course or it could be time to take a break from each other.

 

I invited him because he asked about my plans for that day and I told him I was going with K ( they've met before) to eat Mexican food, so he said it would be nice to catch up with her too, so I told him he was welcome to join us, then I told K that about it and she said she was ok with it. I am not really complaining that she didn't talk to me - I am noticing, after our Sunday hang out, and even before, that she does not seem eager to spend much time with me alone. And she was the one who asked to go for food on Sunday.

The other girl L, who is her friend, is the other person whom she complains about to me - K complains L annoys her - she basically does not accept L how she is. I hang out with the two of them few times and my friend K shows her annoyance with L, to L herself. And L asked her what was wrong on few occasions and K says, its nothing.  And I am not jealous of L at all, but my friend K, complains a lot about L , so I told my friend that perhaps they should not be friends. My friend though says she is not " gonna throw away people (they know each other for a while) and she also said one time that she needs to socialize, that's why she keeps meeting L. What makes me think she "tolerates me" like she "tolerates L" because she needs to socialize, or in my case to go with her to eat Mexican food. 

 

[introverted1]

 

3 hours ago, josi334 said:

Actually, our hang out lasted almost 4 hours

That's a lot of time!  How much time are you expecting to spend together over a simple dinner + dessert? 

[josi334]

2 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

 

That's a lot of time!  How much time are you expecting to spend together over a simple dinner + dessert? 

Thanks but I think you are missing the point of my post.

[SingFish]

47 minutes ago, josi334 said:

Thanks but I think you are missing the point of my post.

I am too. What happened?

[basil67]

I think we're all missing the point....

@josi334 how exactly is she using you?  Yes, she doesn't hang out with you for as long as she used to, but  I can't see that she's taking advantage of you in any way. 

Edited February 22, 2022 by basil67