My friendship with my best friend has changed ever since she has gotten a boyfriend.

[Valor]

Let's call my best friend Lisa. We met last year around April via tinder, we matched and hit it off but I wasn't feeling any sexual or romantic attraction and the second day of us talking I came clean to her and told her I don't really feel anything romantic, but if it happens it happens and I would at the very least like to be friends and she agreed and felt the same way. So we just begin talking, and brought up other people we were talking to(her boy issues, my girl issues) and just advise each other and get really close in a platonic manner - lots of joking and good vibes and we hang out and it's a lot of fun. We revisit our relationship stance later on and agree we are just friends and that's that. Fast forward to around November of last year and she begins getting really close with this one guy she's been talking to since May of '21 so I ask to meet him. So me, her, this dude she likes, and two of our other friends(both girls) all hang out and the guy she likes and I meet and hit it off, we vibe and converse and connect on many similar shared interests. After a quality night together, I told Lisa the following day I liked him and would be interested in getting to know him as a friend and think he's a good fit(so far).

 

Just another bit of information, Lisa and I live an hour and a half away from each other. How we met via tinder IDK since my distance was at like 15miles but, yeah, we don't live close to each other. Figured this is important to include. Still, when we first became friends we met half way, drove one way and took turns, etc.Effort was there from the get go. 

 

Around Dec 2021 he kinda breaks up with her, if you wanna call it that, because he feels like that she takes him for granted. I notice around this time she begins ignoring me a bit, and is not asking me to hang and such. Still, once he strained their relationship she suddenly answered my texts instantly and was calling me and was asking to see me because he was out of her life. Fast forward to Jan 22 and Lisa and this guy are getting very close, I haven't had a chance to see him again but I'm happy for my friend but then she tells me he came clean to her as to why he cannot commit and make her his girlfriend and it's that it bothers him that she has another male close to her(referring to me). He said it's inappropriate that I am that close with her, that I only want to keep her close so I can have sex with her if my other "leads" fall through. Again, never once did anything sexually with her. He "breaks up" with her and she's crying and hysterical and blowing up my phone and I do my best to be there for her and tell her that i'm completely surprised and that his behavior is toxic. Our other two mutual friends agree, and they say he's a walking red flag.

 

Eventually they make up, and she tells me he admits he was being insecure. But now she doesn't talk to me the same, she doesn't ask to hang out ever like she used to, she takes days to reply, and sometimes half interested. I started not replying to her and I noticed her replies are more a bit more full of effort but still we don't hang out and our convos are just dry and lack the emphasis they used to contain. We hung out for each other bdays, which was in January. I went to her for hers, the day her "boyfriend" dumped her and ignored her. She was present for mine but like...distant. She left early and seemed not eager to talk to me.

 

I dont know how to feel. I mean like I get she has a bf(after his comment and assumptions about me, I really don't like him) and idc if she has a new focus in her life, like good for you I only encourage the best for my friends so why would I be angry or upset about that? But I almost feel used because when he breaks up with her she comes to me full force but then when things are good between them she just disappears and focuses on him and seems to neglect our relationship and not make any effort to hang out - as if our friendship cannot coexist with her being in a relationship. I haven't asked to hang out with her because she keeps mentioning she asks our other two mutual friends to hang but never me...so obviously I know she's avoiding me if she tells me she's asking others to hang but not me. It seems like she caved to her "boyfriend's" demands, who still hasn't made any commitment to her. We did have a talk about this in past, Lisa and I like 3-4 months ago, about the state of our friendship and she mentioned she's trying to figure out how to balance both relationships.... and sometimes the way she mentions it almost sounds like she had feelings for me. I personally cannot relate, because I never had issues balancing friendships and relationships and generally had more friends that were girls and it was never an issue. Never had to change a friendship I shared with a girl because of a current GF...

 

Not sure how to really handle this. Am I overeating? Or am I okay to feel like my friend has totally withdrawn and that I should consider her more as a casual friend than a best friend? I'm not trying to be petty, and I get relationships are fun and exciting but I never isolated my friends out of my life... I was always excited to introduce them to my partner and have their opinion voiced to me as and including my partner as a part of the group. Just feel she ran to him and apparently I can't be close with her anymore 😕

 

Hope that was clear, there's a lot I omitted but I wanted to keep it short and sweet as possible. Thank you for reading

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, HurtByLove223 said:

. We met last year around April via tinder, we matched and told her I don't really feel anything romantic 😕

Well, yes. Tinder is for dating, not making friends. So it's natural that she would seek out a BF.

The best thing to do is keep talking to and meeting women for dating.

Leave her alone now that she found someone who does fit her criteria of a romantic relationship.

[Sun Seeker]

Why are you making a random woman you met on Tinder your 'best friend'? When things did not work out romantically that was the time to drop her from your life for good, not try to become friends. That comes across very desperate.

And you are right, your friendship cannot exist while she is in a relationship, which is why it was such a bad idea in the first place.

She is doing the right thing by putting distance between you. Stop talking to her, contacting her and move on with your life.

[Foxhall]

 

this is pretty normal behaviour for most girls,

they will keep you on standby or in that type of brother/sister zone while it suits them or is convenient,

but ultimately the "boyfriends" get priority when they come along and they dump you like a hot potato,

in saying that , while I was once bitter about same, you know in the cold light of day everyone looks out for themselves and no point getting annoyed about it,

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Foxhall said:

 ultimately the "boyfriends" get priority when they come along and they dump you.

Agree. Now that she has a BF, it's pointless for her to talk to someone who rejected her romantically in the first place.

Try other ways to make friends. Tinder is generally for a dating situation.

[Valor]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well, yes. Tinder is for dating, not making friends. So it's natural that she would seek out a BF.

The best thing to do is keep talking to and meeting women for dating.

Leave her alone now that she found someone who does fit her criteria of a romantic relationship.

But we agreed that we saw each other as friends, and she has never attempted to make a move...? We have been friends for almost a year..?

[salparadise]

8 hours ago, HurtByLove223 said:

But we agreed that we saw each other as friends, and she has never attempted to make a move...? We have been friends for almost a year..?

You seem to have a precise definition of the word "friends," and by extension some pretty fixed expectations. The actuality is that there is hardly a more ambiguous word in the English language. I grew up in a neighborhood in small town, so I have friends that I spent my entire childhood with and have  known for decades. I can also shoot a few games of pool and drink a couple of beers with someone in a bar and refer to him or her as my friend. So let's be real about what this was –– a tinder match that did not generate any sparks, but since you were both single and needed socialization you hung out and sort of filled that void for each other, for awhile. Which is fine. But it's pretty naive to believe that this was the kind of association that would supersede the new boyfriend. Even solid same-sex friendships take a back seat to romantic interests, and sometimes dissolve completely.

From the new boyfriend's perspective, you look a lot like an orbiter. I don't blame him for not wanting to have a three-way with you (figuratively speaking of course). I wouldn't invest in a relationship with a woman who was hanging out and communicating daily with a guy she matched on tinder and refers to as a "friend." It doesn't matter if they're not having sex –– one hundred percent of the energy she would be committing to that would be at the expense of the primary relationship... which is the boyfriend. I think that's it, you expect to remain primary since you were there first, or something like that. There is a order to all of this that you don't seem to be tuned into.  

[NuevoYorko]

On 2/22/2022 at 3:27 AM, Foxhall said:

 

this is pretty normal behaviour for most girls,

they will keep you on standby or in that type of brother/sister zone while it suits them or is convenient,

but ultimately the "boyfriends" get priority when they come along and they dump you like a hot potato,

 

 

 

Whether you're a man, woman, or otherwise, it's pretty common to have much less time to hang out with your besties once you find yourself falling into a committed relationship.   

[glows]

I say this kindly - you both seem very naive. Step back and let the relationship take its course. You’re a friend and nothing more. You’ve only known one another for one year and that is not long. 

Also know that most do not recycle non-matches on Tinder into friends unless they are FWB and her boyfriend’s concerns are not so off the mark if you’re insisting on remaining in this woman’s life. It seems your intentions are platonic but they’re just gravely unrealistic and as I said naive. 

Be happy for her and move on to other matches too.

[Wiseman2]

On 2/22/2022 at 9:50 AM, HurtByLove223 said:

But we agreed that we saw each other as friends, 

Ok. Just step back and give the right of way.

Get busy on the dating apps and find a GF of your own.

[SingFish]

On 2/22/2022 at 6:31 PM, salparadise said:

The actuality is that there is hardly a more ambiguous word in the English language.

especially since social media!!!

[dramafreezone]

So you are a man, dating a woman who is dating another man.  If that's correct, then out of respect for the BF she is distancing herself from you.  Or maybe it's not even out of respect for him, maybe she just likes him that much to where she wants to give every free moment she has to him. 

I know some believe that a woman can have a heterosexual male best friend while she also have a BF but I am not one that believes that is a good idea.  Most BFs are not going to feel good about that setup, and if she respects him, then she will distance herself from the male best friend.  But women even will ditch their female friends when they get a BF if they *really* like the guy, so you're not unique in this regard.  It makes sense, the more time she spends with you the less she can spend with him.

Edited February 24, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Els]

On 2/22/2022 at 9:27 PM, Foxhall said:

but ultimately the "boyfriends" get priority when they come along and they dump you like a hot potato,

Not prioritizing your partner sounds like a very quick and effective way to kill your relationship, regardless of your gender.