Boyfriends, Porn and Sexual Dysfunction

[Joe Tex]

I'm not anti-porn. My wife and I watch it sometimes when we are together and it adds spice to our lovemaking. It's a nice little treat once in awhile.

 

But hearing about these young guys whackin to porn rather than being with their young and available girlfriends is really sad. And the tragedy is that young men who watch a lot of porn and masturbate tend to get conditioned over the years to only being able to get aroused and ejaculate this one way.

 

Sex therapists started seeing these porn and masturbation induced sexual dysfunctions in men a few years ago when internet porn started to be easier to get and the quality of it got better and better. At first it was just older married guys who were bored with marital sex and started getting bad masturbation/porn habits. After a few months or years of regular porn use they started having trouble getting an erection or having an orgasm when they went to make love to their wives. The biggest problem the therapists were seeing was called "retarded ejaculation" where the guy can't ejaculate even after many minutes of thrusting. Seems they were no longer able to get aroused enough to have an orgasm without the porn. During sex with their partners they complained that their penises started to feel "numb"

 

Lately though, sex therapists are starting to see the same problems in guys in their teens and 20's. A lot of these younger men had been watching porn on the computer since they were 12 or 13 years old and instead of learning about sex slowly with a girlfriend, they learned from watching hardcore porn full of pornobabes that didn't look or act like any girl they might take out on a date.

 

After years of this these guys had a lot of trouble sexually when it came time to actually have sex with a real person. Oral and vaginal sex with the girlfriend didn't feel anything like masturbation. And she (usually) wasn't a tall California blond with implants in her boobs who was begging for anal sex. The whole visual aspect of sex (which is very important to male sexual arousal) was completely different than what they had grown used to.

 

In fact the whole sex act for these guys was under-stimulating and they couldn't get aroused enough to come and sometimes they couldn't even get an erection. These problems are really hard to fix and if you get conditioned by porn and masturbation when you are 19 or 20 it going to mess up your sex life for years to come.

 

How sad to think that when these guys are 50 years old and they look back on their lives and realize they spent their best years masturbating to porn every day rather than enjoying the pleasures of young women in their prime. Porn and masturbation will always be there but a young and willing girlfriend will not.

 

So tell your boyfriends to get off the porn and start enjoying the pleasures of a real woman....before it's too late.

[dnm1010]

thank you very much for your post.

i kind of understand how the problem starts and what the problem is.. but the question is, how do you solve the problem? when your significant other is addicted to porn, whether it is at an early stage or later stage, what do you do? where do you go from there? what is the next step after identifying the problem.

[Hot Coco]

I'm not anti-porn. My wife and I watch it sometimes when we are together and it adds spice to our lovemaking. It's a nice little treat once in awhile.

 

But hearing about these young guys whackin to porn rather than being with their young and available girlfriends is really sad. And the tragedy is that young men who watch a lot of porn and masturbate tend to get conditioned over the years to only being able to get aroused and ejaculate this one way.

 

Sex therapists started seeing these porn and masturbation induced sexual dysfunctions in men a few years ago when internet porn started to be easier to get and the quality of it got better and better. At first it was just older married guys who were bored with marital sex and started getting bad masturbation/porn habits. After a few months or years of regular porn use they started having trouble getting an erection or having an orgasm when they went to make love to their wives. The biggest problem the therapists were seeing was called "retarded ejaculation" where the guy can't ejaculate even after many minutes of thrusting. Seems they were no longer able to get aroused enough to have an orgasm without the porn. During sex with their partners they complained that their penises started to feel "numb"

 

Lately though, sex therapists are starting to see the same problems in guys in their teens and 20's. A lot of these younger men had been watching porn on the computer since they were 12 or 13 years old and instead of learning about sex slowly with a girlfriend, they learned from watching hardcore porn full of pornobabes that didn't look or act like any girl they might take out on a date.

 

After years of this these guys had a lot of trouble sexually when it came time to actually have sex with a real person. Oral and vaginal sex with the girlfriend didn't feel anything like masturbation. And she (usually) wasn't a tall California blond with implants in her boobs who was begging for anal sex. The whole visual aspect of sex (which is very important to male sexual arousal) was completely different than what they had grown used to.

 

In fact the whole sex act for these guys was under-stimulating and they couldn't get aroused enough to come and sometimes they couldn't even get an erection. These problems are really hard to fix and if you get conditioned by porn and masturbation when you are 19 or 20 it going to mess up your sex life for years to come.

 

How sad to think that when these guys are 50 years old and they look back on their lives and realize they spent their best years masturbating to porn every day rather than enjoying the pleasures of young women in their prime. Porn and masturbation will always be there but a young and willing girlfriend will not.

 

So tell your boyfriends to get off the porn and start enjoying the pleasures of a real woman....before it's too late.

 

Do you think that if you started watching porn every night with your wife that you would stop wanting her? Or would your sex life have even more "spice?"

 

Do you see my point? I don't think this is really a rampant problem. I think yes, for SOME it has become a problem. But I think if it weren't porn they would have become addicted to something else. It's an addictive type person who gets sucked in (so to speak:p ) to the degree you're talking about.

 

And what the HE!! is wrong with retarded ejaculation!?!? Is this a BAD thing?

[Joe Tex]

>>>>>Do you think that if you started watching porn every night with your wife that you would stop wanting her? Or would your sex life have even more "spice?">>>>>>>

 

Every night? If you were using it with her every night then the important point would not be the porn but rather that you were having sex with your wife every night. Depending on how many years you have been married, porn or not, you have a pretty good thing going. I think that the guys who stop wanting their wives are the ones who watch it alone.

 

>>>>>Do you see my point? I don't think this is really a rampant problem. I think yes, for SOME it has become a problem. But I think if it weren't porn they would have become addicted to something else. It's an addictive type person who gets sucked in (so to speak:p ) to the degree you're talking about.>>>>>>>

 

Not a rampant problem? Well considering it wasn't much of a problem at all before internet porn (so easy to get compared with other types of porn) I'd call it a "growing" problem,. Just google "husband prefers porn" or husband addicted to porn" and you get a pretty good idea of the extent of this thing.

 

>>>>>And what the HE!! is wrong with retarded ejaculation!?!? Is this a BAD thing?>>>>>>

 

Oh yeah, RE is a very bad problem...check it out:

 

http://www.fertilitext.org/ubb/Forum4/HTML/000029.html

 

http://www.psychforums.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=1796&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0&sid=20bcf4db3c267337158a1ee4ec9b36a3

 

here's an excerpt from the Psychforums RE thread:

 

"RE differs in levels of severity and is often situational. The man can have an orgasm with some women but not others. In severe cases the man cannot ejaculate by any means with a partner. In less severe cases the man can attain orgasm in other ways but not intercourse. In the least severe manifestations of RE, the man can attain orgasm during vaginal sex but in takes a very long time.

 

Some men with RE get what are called "automatic erections" which means that during foreplay they can attain and hold strong erections but when they attempt intercourse (or other means of penile stimulation in some cases) the penis begins to feel numb after a few minutes. The origin of this numb sensation is not physical, but rather psychological and is caused by the man not being aroused enough, either because of performance or other anxiety or, in the case of chronic masturbators/porn users, that the reality of partner sex does not match the intense visual and physical stimulation he has grown accustomed to. Lack of attraction the the partner is also a factor in low arousal in long term marriages. This feeling of numbness means that a man with RE does not get sexually aroused enough to reach his orgasmic threshold and ejaculate.

 

What puzzles sex therapists most is the erectile ability of men with RE. In most men low arousal, especially combined with anxiety would prevent them from achieving an erection at all. Men with RE have the ability to hold an erection for up to an hour. And these erections are NOT an indication of a high level of arousal like they are for most men.

 

Although on the surface this might be percieved as a plus. after awhile the woman usually begins to have low self esteem because she believes she cannot make her partner reach orgasm. If she talks to him about this it sometimes increases his anxiety level and makes the situation worse. The man will often stop having sex with the partner out of frustration, guilt, shame and a feeling of inadequacy.

 

Almost all men who suffer from RE can masturbate to orgasm without any difficulty although only about 50% can do this with the partner present.

 

It is the hardest of all the male sexual dysfunctions to cure and because so little research has been done on this disorder, many sex therapists don't have a clue how to treat it properly.

 

Many couples opt for lovemaking that has the goal of bringing the woman to orgasm while the RE patient takes care of himself either at the time if that's possible or later when he is by himself."

[Joe Tex]

thank you very much for your post.

i kind of understand how the problem starts and what the problem is.. but the question is, how do you solve the problem? when your significant other is addicted to porn, whether it is at an early stage or later stage, what do you do? where do you go from there? what is the next step after identifying the problem.

 

dnm1010: From what I have read, if your guy is really heavily into porn- so much so that he doesn't want sex with you or he is having sexual dysfunctions when you do have sex, then it's going to be a very hard problem to fix.

 

There are a few theories about why guys end up like this. One says that by watching porn and masturbating frequently they are doing something called "self soothing" which is something they started doing when they were still very young children in reaction to stresses they felt because of the mother not giving them enough attention or other anxiety inducing situations such as mental or physical abuse. This obviously doesn't mean that as little kids they were masturbating or watching porn, but rather doing both physical and psychological things that made them feel better when they were stressed and anxious. In other words today's act of watching porn and masturbating is a coping mechanism that he is using to lessen feelings of stress and anxiety in his life. Many guys who watch alot of porn find it relaxing and it releives stress. You can see why it would soon become a very bad habit that then starts to effect his relations with you.

 

To get him off it I would check out the two links I gave in my last post and you also might find this one helpful:

 

http://lightwave.proboards48.com/

[tonyp56]

I don't doubt that this happens, however, I have to say something here.

 

I was one of those that masturbated and watched porn at an early age (12-13). I have to say, I would choose sex with a woman any day, any minute, any second than to have to touch myself for pleasure. It feels SOOOOOO much better to have sex than it does to masturbate. And I don't need porn to get aroused, before my wife left me (7 weeks ago), I could have sex with her everyday, I craved her, not porn, not masturbation, but sex with the person that I had a emotional attachment--the person that I loved with all of my heart. For me, when I had sex with her, it connected me to her at such a higher level than just being in the room with her.

 

Now (I'm 28) I could care less if I watch or look at porn, I can go months and months without even watching any. The only time I do, is when I am really bored, with nothing else to do. I'd rather watch a good drama or comedy any day than to watch a porn or look at porn. Now I do get horny, but I don't need porn to fulfill anything. I don't find myself attracted to women that are in porn, in fact, I am totally un-attracted to porn type women. I mean nothing is more un-attractive to me than a woman that weighs 110 pounds, but she has DD breast and you can see her chest bone between them, the typical porn star!

 

Anyways, I don't know why so many men have this problem, I know that when I was younger and before I met my wife, I did it to fulfill my lonelyness. It was something to pass the time, but I never fully enjoyed it, I did it only because it felt good, and because I was lonely.

 

For the ladies out there that have a man like this, I am sorry, I really don't know what to tell you, cause I never had this problem. I guess in a way, I never bought into the porn thing, I knew that it was FAKE, and I knew that it wasn't something that could ever happen in "real" life. I guess some men don't, some get addicted to the "idea" of what porn represents. They grow up to porn, and when life begins, they still are living in a make-believe world.

 

I am truly sorry that so many lives are messed up because of porn.

[k_lily]

And I don't need porn to get aroused, before my wife left me (7 weeks ago), I could have sex with her everyday, I craved her, not porn, not masturbation, but sex with the person that I had a emotional attachment--the person that I loved with all of my heart. For me, when I had sex with her, it connected me to her at such a higher level than just being in the room with her.

 

Don't answer if you don't want to...but why did your wife leave, if you don't mind?

 

Here's my problem with "the porn issue"...

 

My husband and I have been together for just over two years. Yeah, I know that might sound scary, that things moved so fast for us but they just sort;ve happened. He moved in with me after only 6 weeks, and we just got married three months ago.

 

For me, things sort've started from the beginning. I was naive, when he brought up that he liked porn, I didn't think it was a big deal because I didn't know how much he did it, and my exposure had been little so I didn't know that it would make me feel so wrong.

 

At first, it was just videos, he owned some and bought some after we were together. I'd come home from work and he'd be working on his RC car and it would be on in the background. It creeped me out a little, but I saw that as no worse than if he had cartoons or something on, it was just a little "white noise."

 

Sex was a little different at first. I had never been with anyone (through intercourse) so it took me some time to discover myself. It was good sex though, experimentive and just fun. Occasionally we'd watch porn, or rent some, he was convinced he could find a style or genre that I liked. Now looking back on it, I think he needed me to be into it so that he could justify it for himself.

 

This went on for quite a few months (maybe half a year) until I started noticing other little habits. Prior to me, he had been with 8 other women and engaged to another. This always made me uncomfortable, because we'd run into one of them or an old friend of his and they always seemed to have power over me, because they knew things and had had "life stories" with him that I wasn't aware of. So he agreed to let me, we talked about his sex life, their relationships, it all made me nervous but I appreciated him letting me in. But then it came, he filled me in on this internet life, this world where he went to amatuer porn sites and was even able to talk to some of these people. He even showed me a conversation he had just had with one of these chics! In plain as day view, right in front of my face he was showing me how he texted some "friend" of his how her t*ts looked great in that last shot. As calmly as I could, I asked him to stop. That the videos alone were hard enough to deal with, but I wouldn't take that.

 

A couple days later, I couldn't sleep, he'd left for work at 5 in the morn (yeah, his actual job started that early) and I found myself working at the computer. As soon as I logged online, his yahoo messenger logged on to, and it had a saved message from some girl friend of his. Nothing to scary, but it made me look. I found that on MY computer he had saved conversations with girls like this one. Young ones like 18 and down, not that I'm old (23 now), but my mom would have shot me if I was 16 talking to some strange 24 year old. He was saying stuff like "wow, that last site I just visited really got me hard." or "can I see your t*ts" if they had webcam.

 

I got so pissed I called him at work and we ended up crying on the phone for over an hour. I thought it was gone after that. We got engaged and soon after it started happening again. I'd throw out the porn, he'd get more, I'd block him from IM he'd find another way to contact them.

 

I know I'm stupid for having stuck around. And even now that certain things are not as bad, I can't help but wonder why after he sees how upset it makes me, and that the fights are terrible at best from it, why he won't stop. Just this past saturday I found my laptop clustered with history and cookie files and even some text attempts of him trying to talk to these girls.

 

I love him more than life and want to think that our marriage is worth working at, but I guess I just need to know what to do. I'm I handling it wrong or is it him that needs to figure this out?

[Joe Tex]

Whatching porn movies or visiting sites is one thing but chatting is a whole other deal, especially if the women he is chatting with lives in your area. Many women would argue that it's all cheating. But there are guys who want a little sexual fantasy and variety now and then and see porn as a way to get it without actually cheating on their wives. Men do have the ability to seperate sex and love and for most, masturbating to porn is a whole different thing that in his mind doesn't have anything to do with how he feels about his wife/GF

 

But if he's doing it everyday, so much so that he loses interest in sex with his partner, or if he is chatting, that's when you really have to get concerned.

[hardboy]

So let's see here...without anyone asking a question this post appears urging girlfriends to keep their boyfriends off porn, or something. And if therapists said it, well then it MUST be true and apply to everybody, right? I had no idea teenagers had it together so much that they would seek out sex therapists in the first place. OK, I'll bite.

 

If you advocate that teenage boys go out and find the nearest "young and willing" girl to boff as the antidote to masturbation, you get thrown in jail and put on the community's web site for being a "sex offender" by suggesting anything in the ballpark of sexuality to a minor and he gets a lecture from the American Family Association about the dangers of teenage sex and a butt whoopin' from her father.

 

This whole post seems like it comes out of left field. Masturbation is part of life for males and females, so labeling it as some sort of abnormal activity is ill-informed at best. It is certainly no substitute for the real thing, but the real thing is not widely available in most cases.

 

Masturbation also keeps men's plumbing working and reduces the chance of true erectile dysfunction and more importantly prostate cancer. In other words, it keeps the genitals exercised at what they were designed to do.

 

Now, what turns on any given individual varies, but you're not stuck with your partner. Dating different people is the test-drive to find somebody who tickles your fancy as much you fancy her tickle. Just because you hook up with somebody doesn't mean it will automatically be wonderful for both of you. What did Mom say? There are plenty of fish in the sea?

[Malteser]

HEY JOE TEX

 

I am more grateful to you than you can imagine. It is so nice for me to know that there are men out there who still prefer a real live woman to an image of one on their computer screen.

 

I recently found out that my boyfriend checks out IP though he won't tell me how often. Our sex life had gone a bit slack and when I found out about his porn habit it all made sense. I confronted him about it and since then our sex life has improved dramatically.

 

I'm sure he still masturbates to porn but it isn't impacting on our sex life anymore so I suppose I shouldn't mind. It still hurts when I think about it though.

 

I think the tendency is for all women in my situation to feel that they are ugly and that they don't turn their partners on in bed. It makes you feel worthless and unattractive - every pretty woman I walk past makes me feel depressed because I now feel that my partner is obsessed with other women and needs a lot of variety, even if it's only in his fantasy life. Once a woman has had her confidence knocked in this way it's hard to feel that you are sexy and desirable. There are always millions of women around much more attractive than you are and how can one woman ever compete with what the internet has to offer?

 

But you are right, it is a tragedy that so many men now prefer a wank over the internet to the real thing. Let's hope there will be a MALE backlash against the negative effects of too much porn but somehow I doubt it.

 

Thanks anyway.

 

 

 

 

I'm not anti-porn. My wife and I watch it sometimes when we are together and it adds spice to our lovemaking. It's a nice little treat once in awhile.

 

But hearing about these young guys whackin to porn rather than being with their young and available girlfriends is really sad. And the tragedy is that young men who watch a lot of porn and masturbate tend to get conditioned over the years to only being able to get aroused and ejaculate this one way.

 

Sex therapists started seeing these porn and masturbation induced sexual dysfunctions in men a few years ago when internet porn started to be easier to get and the quality of it got better and better. At first it was just older married guys who were bored with marital sex and started getting bad masturbation/porn habits. After a few months or years of regular porn use they started having trouble getting an erection or having an orgasm when they went to make love to their wives. The biggest problem the therapists were seeing was called "retarded ejaculation" where the guy can't ejaculate even after many minutes of thrusting. Seems they were no longer able to get aroused enough to have an orgasm without the porn. During sex with their partners they complained that their penises started to feel "numb"

 

Lately though, sex therapists are starting to see the same problems in guys in their teens and 20's. A lot of these younger men had been watching porn on the computer since they were 12 or 13 years old and instead of learning about sex slowly with a girlfriend, they learned from watching hardcore porn full of pornobabes that didn't look or act like any girl they might take out on a date.

 

After years of this these guys had a lot of trouble sexually when it came time to actually have sex with a real person. Oral and vaginal sex with the girlfriend didn't feel anything like masturbation. And she (usually) wasn't a tall California blond with implants in her boobs who was begging for anal sex. The whole visual aspect of sex (which is very important to male sexual arousal) was completely different than what they had grown used to.

 

In fact the whole sex act for these guys was under-stimulating and they couldn't get aroused enough to come and sometimes they couldn't even get an erection. These problems are really hard to fix and if you get conditioned by porn and masturbation when you are 19 or 20 it going to mess up your sex life for years to come.

 

How sad to think that when these guys are 50 years old and they look back on their lives and realize they spent their best years masturbating to porn every day rather than enjoying the pleasures of young women in their prime. Porn and masturbation will always be there but a young and willing girlfriend will not.

 

So tell your boyfriends to get off the porn and start enjoying the pleasures of a real woman....before it's too late.

[Joe Tex]

Hi Malteser,

 

It's been awhile since I last visited this site. I just wanted to comment on your post.

 

Even if guys don't spend their tender years constantly stimulating themselves to porn, men are men. And men have the uncanny ability to put love and sex into seperate boxes. It's important that the wives and GF's of occasional porn users understand this. In most cases his watching porn (in his mind) has nothing to do with his feelings for the woman. Women shouldn't allow their self esteem to be dragged down by a guy who's seeking a bit of fantasy and variety by himself. This is very common and in most cases, harmless.

 

"Why does he masturbate to porn when he has me!?" is a frequent question women ask. Believe me it is not that you don't turn him on. Yes, in some cases, usually in long term marriages, guys can come to get a nasty porn habit where he ends up preffering the porn because he's bored or no longer sexually attracted to his wife.. And young guys who indulge too much may get so they can't get aroused without it, but once in awhile, is just viewed by the man as a little harmless fun.

 

You should look at it that way too.

[Shawnster]

MEN NEED SEX TO FEEL LOVED

Just like women need to feel loved to have sex.

Ill say this bluntly because it needs to be said:

STOP MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS.

Truth be told honestly, WOMEN do not understand.

Before you jump my case let me state my case.

I have no right to start a movement against PMS, or any other women specific issue that I

dont understand because I am a man. In the same way women do not understand

male masurbation.

I am a masturbator. Like 95% of all men. Really.

I like to masturbate to porn. Why? better orgasm.

I also like to drink alcohol, but I am not an Alcoholic.

I do not smoke but I do not jump a smokers case if they like doing it.

Is smoking bad for your health, yes! And I would do all I could to help

if someone wanted to quit.

My point is:

Just like alcohol can be an addiction and lead to bad stuff doesnt mean it does for me.

Could it in the future, yes!

So why is this important. Because the attention needs to be on the cause and not the effect.

Masterbating to porn is an effect. It is not the cause of relationship problems it is the result

of relationship problems.

Case in point, no relationship at all. Ask single(not getting any)guys if they masterbate.

The answer whether they admit to it or not would be yes. Why?

Because guys are wired to need sex, before alot of other things happen, like feeling loved.

Yes I know you can debate this all day but lets look closer.

IF YOU ASKED ANY GUY ANYWHERE IF HE COULD CHOOSE, PUSSY OR PORN(gay etc. excluded) HE WOULD CHOOSE PUSSY!

Why then is there a problem at all. Because it isnt the problem it is the effect of a problem.

Just the way Drugs and Alcohol are used to offset something else so is porn.

I am married. Sex with my wife involves a 22 step romantic process, and thats only if she is in the mood to start it. This leads to alot of time and effort to pick her emotional lock so she feels loved and we can have sex. Which by the way is really what Im interested in. A couple of hours later(if there is that to spare) she is satisfied. This of course happens on the stipulation that im not pissed at her and she isnt pissed at me, etc. etc. I could have been satisfied in 5 min in the computer room.

I hate to burst your bubble but sex for a guy involves mainly one part. The penis

Women think they understand this, but then they wouldnt be asking the question "WHY PORN".

To put it simply we are either not getting what we want or enough of it. I dont want to spend an hour romancing my wife(every day mind you, romance is still an important part). I just feel like I am filling my taxes every time I want to use money.

I DO WANT A BLOWJOB EVERYDAY. AND WOULD NEVER EVER LOOK AT PORN AGAIN IF I GOT IT.

Bingo.

Also If sex involved more spuratic, "Gee honey since we stoped for gas, how about a blowjob in the bathroom". I would worship the ground she walked on.

Instead I am reduced to self sex with porn.

Lets talk about the porn issue. Pretend we just took all the porn in the world away. HURAY!

Now guys masterbate without porn. Maybe thinking a girl they want to have sex with or the last

time they had sex. Isnt that interesting, the problem isnt solved. Lets take away masterbation.

All the sudden suicides go up,divorce rates rise, REAL DRUG USE HAPPENS!

Why?

Because the problem isnt solved. Just in the way you would yell at a man with a wooden leg for limping. BUT I HAVE A WOODEN LEG, trying to cure the limp isnt going to solve anything.

I am not promoting porn or trying to defend it. I think porn is bad. Why? Lots of reasons you prob.

already know.

I AGREE!

This however does not solve the problem. I need sex. I need a certain kind and amount of sex. Men need sex. Men need sex diffrently than women.

Really ladies would you rather have your man jacking off on the computer or sleeping with the secretary. MEN ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX. How would you like them to have it.\?

One of my friends wife just left him to a guy she never met but just chatted with online. Why?

Because the guy online gave her the emotional fullfilment she needed. In the same way we men

have a physical need we ARE going to get, one way or another.

The next time you find your hubby masterbating on the computer, go and turn off the computer

and help him masturbate. You might be suprised. And before you know it he wont even need to

masterbate.