Kengne Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 Really & truly.... I tht my days of starting threads on here were over, but here I am again. The guy I've been seeing for 5 mths... R.... broke it off with us this week. It's over. And I'm in semi-shock, semi-pain, semi-anger. (yeah I know that's three semi's but that's what it feels like - all of the above). So much was said... alot of it I still don't understand... but it all boiled down to: He cares about me a lot... he wants to be with me....but he just doesnt feel like he can handle a serious relationship at this time in his life because of all that is going on.... and he needs to be alone. He feels he cannot give me his 100%, his all, be there for me like he feels a bf is supposed to. (btw-yes I asked if there was smo else involved, he flat out told me no and I believe him...) Background story: this guy is a perfectionist & anal-retentive. His biggest fear in life - yup, failure. During our rel'ship he always told me how hated seeing me upset /annoyed/disappointed with him ... he said it stressed him immensely (and I witnessed this myself on numerous occasions). Regarding the things going on in his life:... he's a physio, and his patient load has been severely down these last few weeks... coupled with the recent loss of a lucrative massage therapy contract he had this SAME week... ... i know he's under alot of stress. But more than anything... i think the real underlying issues have more to deal with where he is at in his life... he once told me mths ago that he felt dissatisfied/unhappy/that smth was missing in his life... he felt like he hadn't achieved what he wanted to accomplish at his age (he's 28)... i.e. own his own home etc... he told me he felt the pressure to have smth to show... and he told me he envied my non-chalant/carefree attitude & wished he could be less serious abt life... bcuz I'm younger (i'm 22) All these things I knew... I knew! I knew...and I just sorta prayed he would be able to handle it all. You see, I've been down this road before with my ex-bf M of 4 yrs... and it killed me to watch him be so unhappy... I tht R was stronger/more capable... but I guess men really are the same... unable to multitask. They need to have their own house in order before they can be there for us (females). At the end of the convo.. he of course still wanted to be friends... stay in touch... who knows, down the road, maybe later we could give it another go?... that he didn't expect to NEVER talk to me again.... [insert platitude here].... But I refused. Told him straight up he could have ALL of me, or NONE of me.I also told him I am going to start dating other ppl... WHICH I AM... and of course he wasn't ecstatic about it, *go figure* but like he said he can't be selfish/unrealistic & expect me to wait for him (which I am not going to do). And that's how it went down. Now I'm left to mend the pieces of my heart back together again and I am sooooooooooo angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him I wasn't mad at him (didn't want him to feel bad nor think he could have that much an effect on me)... but I am. I'm angry because I feel like he doesn't care. I'm angry that he's given up on us.. bcuz of what he's going through. I'm angry that he could just let me walk out of his life... like it was nothing. I'm angry that he's going through these issues and there's nothing I can do to help... but give him what he asked ie the being alone. I'm angry that I'm even angry in the first place!! I just want to feel... nothing. And I know it will get to that point (I typically move on quickly)... but I'm angry because it won't be soon enough for me. I want to be at that stage.. yesterday. How do I deal with this? I'm at a total loss. I went through a break-up earlier this year... far more painful... but I feel like this is going to be harder to get thru and I'm even more angrier bcuz I feel like I've lost waaay more... and I'm sooooooooo angry!!!!!!!! Smo please help... I want to erase him from my memory. If there was such a thing as Lacuna Inc (from Eternal Sunshine...?? with Jim Carrey)... I would erase him away, without a second look back. Any thts.. comments.. advice... K. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnJohn Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 He cares about me a lot... he wants to be with me....but he just doesnt feel like he can handle a serious relationship at this time in his life because of all that is going on.... and he needs to be alone. He feels he cannot give me his 100%, his all, be there for me like he feels a bf is supposed to. I give him some credit for being upfront and honest with you. However, I always believe that if a person truly loves you then they would never risk setting you free no matter what is going on in their life. Our lives are rarely in perfect balance and harmony for extended periods of time. That's one of the great things about a loving relationship - you are there for one another in times of need. ... but I guess men really are the same... unable to multitask. They need to have their own house in order before they can be there for us (females). I will have to respectively disagree with this. I've dated women that have said the same thing to me. I think it's healthy advice, for male or female, to have their acts in order before anyone else enters their life. You have to be able to love yourself before you can love another. Your case is different though because you have already dated and then he gives you this as a reason. It'd be different if he gave it to you from the start. At the end of the convo.. he of course still wanted to be friends... stay in touch... who knows, down the road, maybe later we could give it another go?... that he didn't expect to NEVER talk to me again.... [insert platitude here].... But I refused. Told him straight up he could have ALL of me, or NONE of me.I also told him I am going to start dating other ppl... WHICH I AM... and of course he wasn't ecstatic about it, *go figure* but like he said he can't be selfish/unrealistic & expect me to wait for him (which I am not going to do). Good for you. You shouldn't put your life on hold for him. And I know it will get to that point (I typically move on quickly)... but I'm angry because it won't be soon enough for me. I want to be at that stage.. yesterday. How do I deal with this? I'm at a total loss. I went through a break-up earlier this year... far more painful... but I feel like this is going to be harder to get thru and I'm even more angrier bcuz I feel like I've lost waaay more... and I'm sooooooooo angry!!!!!!!! Unfortunately there is no easy, quick way to get over it. You have to go through all the phases of recovery one by one - anger being one of them. And too bad there isn't an "erase button" for the brain. Allow yourself to grieve, be patient, and hang tight. Best of luck. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kengne Posted October 23, 2005 Author Share Posted October 23, 2005 I give him some credit for being upfront and honest with you. However, I always believe that if a person truly loves you then they would never risk setting you free no matter what is going on in their life. Our lives are rarely in perfect balance and harmony for extended periods of time. That's one of the great things about a loving relationship - you are there for one another in times of need.. My point exactly! Whose life is ever in perfect balance? Whose life isn't messed up at times? BUT NOBODY'S!!...And for clarification - it wasn't 'love'. It hadn't got that deep, we hadn't said the words or anything like that... but your point is well taken. It hurts me that he could push me away so.... easily... and in the same breath tell me he cares abt me. I'm going off his actions. Like Maya Angelou said... when someone shows you who they are, believe them! Unfortunately there is no easy, quick way to get over it. You have to go through all the phases of recovery one by one - anger being one of them. And too bad there isn't an "erase button" for the brain. Allow yourself to grieve, be patient, and hang tight. Best of luck. Hope this helps. Well I'm very much in anger... but it's fading away (slowly). I may not be able to erase him mentally.. but physically I can, and I am. I've deleted his contact details from my cell phone. I've deleted all the funny/cute/rinky dinky voice messagees he ever left on my cell phone (which I'd saved, some for mths!) I took any & everything he ever gave me... dumped it in a box & told my cousin to hide it FOREVER (as my cousin refused to let me throw it away, bcuz he stupidly believes that I may one day want to see the things - crazy:rolleyes: ) The last thing I have left to do... is delete all the emails he ever sent me, and vice versa. There's over 50 of them, and I just didn't have the heart to do it today, but shortly they will be gone... all of them, each & every last one... It's funny...i'm doing it all with a very cold & detached mannerism, as if watching from a distance... maybe it's a defense mechanism?... I dunno... I just know I want to feel nothing, and with each reminder of his I get rid of I feel that much better... he's that much farther from my memory... I'm that much closer to being over him... Any other tips/words of advice? They're all greatly appreciated. I'm just trying to deal with this overwhelming anger... it's been boiling beneath the surface of my mind all day... like a persistent ache.... K. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kengne Posted October 23, 2005 Author Share Posted October 23, 2005 Well I just started deleting the emails... I'm 1/5 of the way thru, and I had to stop because my heart was twisting in my chest & I didn't wanna be weak & start crying *heavens forbid!*... i refuse to shed another tear... not one more wasted drop. I will delete the rest during the week... even my favorites ones... ... This is sooo hard and i would really appreciate some support tonite... LS folks... plz help...! K. Link to post Share on other sites
allaboutchoices Posted October 23, 2005 Share Posted October 23, 2005 Oh, sorry you are going through this. I remember the pain just like it just happened. Don't push your self into anything. Delete it when you feel like it. Just put it off, out of your mind. Go for a walk. You won't forget him, but it's better then sitting at home, dwelling... Feel better! *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
JohnJohn Posted October 23, 2005 Share Posted October 23, 2005 I think you are doing some very good things, especially deleting the e-mails and so forth. I have some pictures of my ex in a box hidden away. I wasn't quite ready to trash them but wanted them out of sight. Like they say....out of sight out of mind. Work on yourself. Be with friends/family, take up a new hobby, work out more or whatever else you may like to do. Keep hangin in there. You seem very bright and you are on the right path. Don't derail from it. John Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kengne Posted October 23, 2005 Author Share Posted October 23, 2005 It's literally 4am... and as has been the case for the last few days I can't stay asleep. This time I woke up angry,,, with this achy gnawing feeling in my chest... i cannot remember being so angry for such an extended period of time ever before in my life... not even with my ex-bf of 4 yrs.. i was disappointed/upset with him but not this angry (i was sad & relieved at the same time when we broke up) LS folks... i did a very bad thing yesterday... in my hurt & frustration, I called my ex-bf of 4 yrs... private no, his mom answered... but she must've told him i called and surprise, surprise! he actually called back I dunno why I reached out to him... no, let me not play the fool here I reached out because I was hurt and he's always been the 1st person I've turned to when I'm hurting... I told him abt what happened... and amazingly, he listened... I don't know how he could listen, i couldn't have... but he listened and actually tried to give me advice you know?... i.e. before he started pleading his case to me with declarations of love, and why can't we give it another go.. he's a changed person... what happened was in the past... it just fell on deaf ears... I was sooo mad... mad at R for how I'm feeling right now.. and mad at M for all the jazz he was telling me.. why now? how can he still feel that way after 8 mths post-breakup... when he f*cked it up in the first place!!!!!!!! HOW unfair is that? to expect someone to take you back, after all the hurt & pain you've caused them? he actually tried to get mad at me and compare himself to R... why can't I give him (M) another chance... I was like um, HELLO M... nicca you CHEATED.... I don't TRUST you... ain't no going back in time...it's over... the emotions, for me, just aren't there anymore... now I truly, TRULY, understand what it means to love someone deeply... have love for them... but not be in love with them and not wanna be with them... our time has passed, and it's taken this event to happen for it to REALLY sink in LS folks... I also did... well, not did, but THOUGHT of doing... another worse thing. Having revenge sex... a mindless f*ck.. yup, if guys can do it, why can't females? But as soon as I tht of it, I rejected the idea immediately... i know it was just anger & hurt talking, and i could never actually go thru it anyway... use someone else to make myself feel better? i don't think so... that's negative karma ... and that's also why I finally understand why my ex-bf of 4 yrs cant be friends with me... and bcuz i care abt him so much... i'm going to leave him alone no matter how much i'm hurting now... he's hurting just as deeply (if not much more).... and i don't want to lead him on in any shape or form... EVEN tho a part of me just doesn't give a f*ck.. if I hurt him or not in the process of getting what I want... he didn't give a f^ck abt me when he was out there getting 'attn' from all those chicks!! he wasn't thinking of my feelings then, so why should i be thinking of his?... and thats what hurts even more bcuz no matter how angry i am at the whole situation i cannot stoop to M's level and use him/lead him on.... it goes against every fiber of my being.. i hate hurting the ppl i love and/or care about... I just want this to be over. This type of anger is debilitating, and the negative energy is starting to wear & tear on me. My appetite is non-existant, and I think I'm coming down with the flu... To feel nothing right now would be bliss....... I'm sorry for the rambling i just needed to get these thts out my head... K. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruff Ryder Posted October 23, 2005 Share Posted October 23, 2005 LOVE is PAIN and PAIN is LOVE Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kengne Posted October 27, 2005 Author Share Posted October 27, 2005 It's been 5 days since my last post, and I feel 80% better...almost back to my normal self. :-) The anger is gone... the pain is far less intense... I have stopped trying to understand, control or predict the outcome.. I surrender it all, and let things unfold as per God's will. When I was younger I was much more resilient after a break-up because I believed in 'everything happens for a reason'... and 'and this too, shall pass..." How did I lose sight of that? How could I let my emotions/thts control me so rigidly? It's unhealthy, and I refuse to be a victim to my emotions.. MY emotions dammit which I CAN control! Right now I'm focusing on ME... and doing things to make ME happy... I cannot worry or wonder abt R, bcuz that is beyond my control. It's funny bcuz for the longest while I've been hopping from rel'ship to rel'ship... and now, being back on my own it feels GOOD... .... I feel sorry now for those who are still going through the intense pain of a break-up... but I realize that people need to get a grip! We have to OWN our emotions. It's so easy to fall into the trap of pity ... sadness... despair... but those are feelings we can control (and thats the mistake - ppl forget that they CAN control their emotions)... But more importantly... when you surrender the outcome... and stop trying to control/predict... it's like a weight is lifted off your shoulders! DO YOU! Don't worry about is he/she gonna come back? WHO KNOWS? You don't! But that's life. You fall, get up and keep walking. You shake it off. Good luck to you all! K. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruff Ryder Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Whats up. Im so glad to hear that you doing better. THe pain can drive one insane. So when it gets to much just take a second and remember that you are stronger than you think and you can and will make it threw this difficult time. All the best to you may all your dreams come true.. Ruff Ryder Link to post Share on other sites
Juliet Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 You seem very mature for your age! Your bf is quite a bit older but I bet that did not matter because you do seem so mature. I hate to say it but it sounds like he was feeling overwhelmed by stress and he is an "all" or "nothing" kind of guy. He did not want to disappoint you further by not being able to give you his 100% at this time. He honestly sounds like a great guy! I personally have been there before. I know what it is like. It sounds like he felt keeping you happy was taking up a certain amount of energy he needed to put forth to his business to get ahead. He also knows you deserve the best and if he can't give you his 100% he would feel horrible about that. You should call him back and tell him that you truly feel he is a special person and will be or would have been available to support him with the good and the bad even if that means giving him a lot of space at this time. You will accept and respect his decision and move on but to understand you would have been there for him. Explain you were upset and mentioned moving on quickly because you initially felt hurt and rejected. Make some jokes, lighten up the mood. Be a friend. I promise if you do this. You will be with him again and he will give you his 100% support. I have a strong feeling about this. I think sending an online friendship card with how you feel, along with some encouraging words, may help. You never know hun unless you try. Right? He does not sound like he is making up excuses to end things. He really feels overwhelmed right now and maybe depressed about his life. "We" is stronger than "I" you could always remind him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kengne Posted October 28, 2005 Author Share Posted October 28, 2005 Wow. It's funny... because your post echoes similar sentiments from some *keyword = some* of my friends and family. Everyone is telling me I need to respect his decision & give him his alone time - which I agree with. . Through ALOT of soul searching & meditation, I understand that yes - he is an "all" or "nothing" type of person... and his honesty in this situation is refreshing, when alot of pppl could've simply continued w the status quo, & the sex... while inwardly being overwhelmed with the stress & pressure. I've gotten past the feeling of rejection to understand his decision is not a rejection of ME per se *I'm wonderful! lol* ... but of the rel'ship & rel'ship expectations... which he clearly can't handle right now working on his own issues. And yup... almost everyone is telling me to 'be his friend' and 'be there for him' - which I'm still 50/50 on. Here's the latest: He called me on Wednesday... this is after a back-forth convo over the weekend where I desperately *yup, desperately - isn't that sad* tried to argue my case, as if it were a court case to be won! I tried to persuade him that just dating was ok (and it really was, bcuz I'd be seeing other ppl!) and he was like no - bcuz that still involves emotional involvement/intimacy... eg the cuddling, kissing (NO SEX THO!) and IN HIS WORDS " ... is counterproductive to the headspace I'm trying to get in .... I'm not trying to date ANYone!... " ... and if we just date.... feelings arise etc... get caught up... and he's not trying to put himself in that difficult situation... he wants to be FOCUSED. SO FOCUSED, IMO, as to shut off / dampen whatever feelings we have for another and just act like friends HOW do you do it? He couldnt even give me an answer bcuz APPARENTLY this is the 1st time he's broken up under these specific circumstances *which I dub Life Stress & Disappointment* & still tried to be friends. So after all THAT back & forth over the weekend we finally did agree on JUST being friends, starting over from SCRATCH ... no guarantees, nothing... just seeing how things go....day by day, one day at a time... right?... we can still talk... hang out ... yada yada.... So Monday I called him regarding help with a personal statement for school.. he called me back.. we spoke about it and I told him to forget it (I'll write it myself)... Wednesday he calls... I didn't recognize his number, as you know it's been deleted from my cell phone ... had I recognized it, I wouldn't have answered... but I didnt, so I answered thinking it was my friend D... and so we talked. This is what I basically told him: R ... as you know... when you made your decision... I was mad.. I was hurt, upset etc... bcuz I was really starting to care about you, even fall for you mabye! [insert laugh here]... but I've come to accept your decision ... albeit reluctantly... but it's forced me to step outside of the situation... and looking back, there were things in the rel'ship I was unhappy about... which I didn't acknowledge... and I now know there are things that I feel I need to work on [which I do]... and so I think right now... I need space.. now I am NOT saying we can never talk... or NEVER hang out ... I'm not putting any restrictions/deadlines/timelines... I'm not saying what we CAN'T do... I'm just saying right now I need space... you do what you need to do... and I do what I need to do... He pretty much said Ok... thanks for clarifying (bcuz earlier when I said we needed space he didn't understand whether or not this meant we could talk or not)... and then said "... We talk when we talk... " So for ME .... that is that. I have not shut the door to friendship. But neither is it fully wide open. It is just swinging there. Re: the friendship card... I sent him an email along the similar lines... again over the weekend when I was trying to state my case! ... and yeah, I said I would've been there... thru the thick & thin ... had he chosen to have me by his side (eww, I know, SO cheesy! lol) ... but bcuz he wants to do this solo.. so be it... and then we talked again and I said we could be friends... but then we talked AGAIN on Wed and I said I need space... so ... I'm not sure WHERE we stand ie. friends or no friends... Regarding him being overwhelmed or depressed about his life - I'm sorry Juliet, I just don't buy it. I accept it at face value, but I simply don't understand. How can I? I've never been in that situation. I have been through:- Family deaths... Divorces... Cheating... (both my parents) Cheating... (in my past rel'ships) School Stress... Work Stress... EVERYTHING! And I never, ever pushed away the ppl I cared about in my life -- bcuz it was TOO MUCH. That smacks of weakness Juliet and I am not a weak person - I did it all Juliet !!! - and my mentality is that if I could do it - bcuz I cared - why can't he? My emotions tell me - bcuz he doesn't care, ENOUGH. But logically - I DO understand that that is NOT the case, PPL ARE DIFFERENT! Not everyone can handle stress the same way I can. People have different thresholds for stress. Yes, yes YES!! I understand this all, LOGICALLY... but sadly I am NOT a logical person. A part of me feels like he is weak. Emotionally.. mentally... I don't know! I just feel like his reaction to stress speaks volumes about how he handles stresses in his life... and I'm not too impressed! I've had friends break up over similar circumstances... e.g. school stress made it too hard to keep up a rel'ship... and even as their friend I NEVER, EVER, EVER understood this reasoning! It always seemed like a cop-out to me... like they took the easy road out when the path got a little bumpy. How weak! Ugh. Of course... them being my friends I never ever SAID that to them.. didnt want them to feel bad... but really that's how I felt. And it's how I feel now. I can't understand his decision bcuz it is something I could never do.. but I acccept, and respect it regardless. But Right now Juliet... I have things I really need to work on myself .. namely, why have I jumped from rel'ship to rel'ship the past 6 years of my life? I have never been single for longer than a 3mth period! And that to me is a little, well, VERY disturbing!! I'm not even so sure anymore why I was so drawn to the rel'ship w R in the first place... was it my addiction to rel'ships? Was it a rebound from my ex-bf of 4 yrs? Was it bcuz of true feelings for R? The things I tht I knew... I don't know anymore. I have to work things out for myself. I'm not gonna say I will not be friends w R. I said it earlier.. but I realize now that was anger & hurt talking. I've gotten waay past that now. What I WILL say is whatever happens ... happens. I've stopped trying to control or predict the outcome, and have let it go. R is def very special to me, and he knows that. I've told him numerous times. And if R is meant to be in my life in ANY shape or form... then he will be. I leave it up to the Lord to determine the how, when & where. But if his part or role in the story of my life is over - then it's over! His part is dead. No point trying to resuscitate the dead, feel me? That's that! Life is too good to me for me to be catchin stress & creating emotional turbulence. But I will def keep you posted on the development of our 'friendship'.. should we speak again. K. Link to post Share on other sites
starr3546 Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 hey sweetie- boy are you signing my tune. I am going through exactly the same thing. We have been together since may, so about the same time period. Everything with us has bee amazing. He is a law student and just transferd from MI back to cleveland to finish up school....i am currently living an hour and a half away and i come home every thursday and stay till monday so that we can make this work; and we have been. Things were great. [bAND THEN[/b] out of the blue he starts acting funny, and ultimately he ended up breaking up with me on thursday. He said that he just can't do this any more with me, the distance thing during the week sucks he says and even though i am moving home in 5 weeks for good, he says that in 2 months he is going to start back up with school, and that he isn't going to have the time to give me that he thinks i need. He went through this with his ex last year and she ended up breaking up with him and hurting him because he didn't have time to give her all the attention she wanted. like you i am resilient and understanding I told him that even though he is going to be bartending every thur, fri, and sat and in school, and doing a clerkship that i would take what ever time he could offer me. Even if that be not seeing me at all some weeks....his friends are important to him as well and he is worried tht he might not even have time for them. I like you asked him if there was another girl, he said no and i completely believe him.....He just said that he has to make a sacrafice at this point in his life and i am it, he said if he wants to make money so he doesn't have a huge debt when he is out of school he has to work a lot and if he wants the grades that he wants he has to be completely dedicated to school; which i completely understand and respect his priorities. His drive and focus is one of the things i like best about him....it kills me inside because if he cares about me like he says and is upset about breaking up and mad, and if i am so perfect and the best girlfriend he has had who treatedd him so wonderfully and i am so fun; i keep asking then y am i not worth the chance....he thinks that i am going to get bored and annoyed because i am not getting the attention i need from him and am going to dump him...which i wouldn't he is everything i want in a man, boyfriend. I am completely in love....but my heart is broken.... i am going to move on, but it is harder said than done as for us and our problems i don't know what to say....it is rough the best you can do is go out have fun, date, and maybe he will realize what he lost and come back, but maybe he won't. Then again you have to think that if he even does come back how easily will u take him back....i mean like me i feel like if my ex bf is that fickle with his feelings than maybe he isnt the right guy. But then again i understand the importance of succeeding in school to him...and that by all means should be top priority. I think it is tough for us because there really isn't anything wrong, it is just bad timing for us with the right guys....I am hopefull that both of us will find new guys and be able to move on quickly. And if you want to a couple weeks well probably at least three, give him a call see how he is doing show concern for him, and interest in his life and maybe he will realize that ur the right girl for the moment. But if he does come back u needd to play a little hard ball and not so quick to jump back into things. Sometimes you have to forget your pride if it's really worth it. The loss of power. It is rough, when there is nothing u can do....like i said girl i feel you....just be strong and time will heal, and remember that it is his loss. Link to post Share on other sites
starr3546 Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Unlike you and ur ex we didn't discuss keeping in contact, the conversation was never directed in that area. If you were me would you call him in a few weeks or days to see how he is and stuff...or no, this way, i can see if maybe he wants to keep in touch and maybe get together sometime....i can't imagine just giving up completely on us, i am going to move on, but i don't want to completely cut ties off with him....we have to much fun and way to much in common and are way to similiar in our beliefs and the way we are to just walk away....what do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kengne Posted October 28, 2005 Author Share Posted October 28, 2005 Unlike you and ur ex we didn't discuss keeping in contact, the conversation was never directed in that area. If you were me would you call him in a few weeks or days to see how he is and stuff...or no, this way, i can see if maybe he wants to keep in touch and maybe get together sometime....i can't imagine just giving up completely on us, i am going to move on, but i don't want to completely cut ties off with him....we have to much fun and way to much in common and are way to similiar in our beliefs and the way we are to just walk away....what do you think? Personally... if it were ME... and had my ex R not specifically asked for us to keep in touch... hang out... talk... I was going to, and intended to just walk away completely. There is no half-stepping for me. Why should he have the pleasure of my company? It's either all or none of me, PERIOD. I am just now beginning to meet him halfway on the whole friendship tip... THIS, mind you after numerous ppl urging me to stay friends, be in touch etc.. I am still undecided at this point and will just see how things go. So MY advice to you if I was in YOUR situation - I personally, would not call. That's just me. He broke up with you - if he wants to keep in touch, and stay friends, he should initiate that convo. Wait for his call. Why should you pursue it? But putting myself OUT of the situation - assuming you want to be friends - if you are truly, really truly able to JUST be friends... and are REALLY ok with that... WIHTOUT ANY EXPECTATIONS ... then you should wait a week... let things simmer down.. then call him... and have a friendly chat... and ask him if it's ok to keep in touch from time to time? If he agrees with you... then so be. Good luck on your situation girl! We should deff keep each other posted cuz your story is mine 90% (did he also say how much he cared about you? and still wants to be with you? ) K. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruff Ryder Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Hi there. It all comes down to one thing WHAT YOU WANT... I cut all ties with my ex fiance a few days ago and it hurts like hell. You see i still want to know her and know how she is doing. I think your situwation is simallar to mine. We also have fun and laught together. But sometimes enought is enought and you just need to walk away. you see thats the hard bit Walking away (to love is easy but it aint easy to walk away) Just stay true to yourself and live a long HAPPY life Link to post Share on other sites
starr3546 Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Good luck on your situation girl! We should deff keep each other posted cuz your story is mine 90% (did he also say how much he cared about you? and still wants to be with you? ) ya he said he still cared about me and that he to was hurt and angry about the situation. He said he is just planning for the way he knonws his life is going to be a couple months from now. He said if we keep this up we are both going to develop deeper and deeper feelings, and things are going to be tougher, he said it is akready tough now...and that it isn't fair to me b/c he keeps trying to not let his feelings develop further, but they do.... i asked him how he can go from acting like cares so much to breaking up, and he said K. I cannot act those kind of feelings out, the way things are when we are together are great and i don't fake my feelings, if the situation was different and he wasn't going to be so busy we would be together, it is just that he thinks it won't work out b/c of his busy schedule, he is being very practical....but i hate it. I also agree with you with the all or nothing thing....i am not going to give him even the friends route, i would just like to keep in touch every now and again, maybe get together sometime down the road....who knows...thanks so much for getting back to me, ur a doll! Link to post Share on other sites
starr3546 Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Good luck on your situation girl! We should deff keep each other posted cuz your story is mine 90% (did he also say how much he cared about you? and still wants to be with you? ) ya he said he still cared about me and that he to was hurt and angry about the situation. He said he is just planning for the way he knonws his life is going to be a couple months from now. He said if we keep this up we are both going to develop deeper and deeper feelings, and things are going to be tougher, he said it is akready tough now...and that it isn't fair to me b/c he keeps trying to not let his feelings develop further, but they do.... i asked him how he can go from acting like cares so much to breaking up, and he said K. I cannot act those kind of feelings out, the way things are when we are together are great and i don't fake my feelings, if the situation was different and he wasn't going to be so busy we would be together, it is just that he thinks it won't work out b/c of his busy schedule, he is being very practical....but i hate it. I also agree with you with the all or nothing thing....i am not going to give him even the friends route, i would just like to keep in touch every now and again, maybe get together sometime down the road....who knows...thanks so much for getting back to me, ur a doll Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kengne Posted October 28, 2005 Author Share Posted October 28, 2005 ya he said he still cared about me and that he to was hurt and angry about the situation. He said he is just planning for the way he knonws his life is going to be a couple months from now. He said if we keep this up we are both going to develop deeper and deeper feelings, and things are going to be tougher, he said it is akready tough now...and that it isn't fair to me b/c he keeps trying to not let his feelings develop further, but they do.... i asked him how he can go from acting like cares so much to breaking up, and he said K. I cannot act those kind of feelings out, the way things are when we are together are great and i don't fake my feelings, if the situation was different and he wasn't going to be so busy we would be together, it is just that he thinks it won't work out b/c of his busy schedule, he is being very practical....but i hate it. I also agree with you with the all or nothing thing....i am not going to give him even the friends route, i would just like to keep in touch every now and again, maybe get together sometime down the road....who knows...thanks so much for getting back to me, ur a doll Girl, welcome to the club of 'practical' ex-men. I tht my ex R was the only one who could ATTEMPT to shut off his emotions/feelings so callously and at will... but alas! I was wrong. Don't tell me - is your ex a Gemini? R is... and geminis are known for being (amongst other things such as flakey or 2-faced)... yup you guessed it... EXTREMELY logical. Like I said earlier, he told me the same story about how he needs to be focused... and emotional involvement/intimacy will distract him I guess? It's all jazz to me. I stopped trying to understand it a long time ago... I stopped even being mad. I just learned to accept it, bcuz it would drive me crazy thinking otherwise... and this is not something i can control, so why stress? As for you not being friends... ... Hi Five girl! YOU do YOU! You will make other friends, and truss me... so will he. K. Link to post Share on other sites
starr3546 Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 ahhaha do you want to know something funny he is a Gemini...and his first initial is R. too....can you believe it...this is too weird! I am a gemini too, so you would think that i would be able to understand him, but your right he is a guy an who can figure them out! As for calling him i am going to wait it out about a month and call him maybe over thanksgiving break to say hi and see what is new but that is it. I don't need anymore friends i have plety. It is weird b/c part of me wants to cut off all contact but the other part of me doesn't. I think are timing to be together is just off...he isn't in the right time of his life yet for me...so maybe if when the timing is right and if i am not with someone, we may rekindle our relationship...but then again maybe not. I left part of our story of R. and i out b4.....we dated last summer a little, but he was back and forth with his ex and i was back and forth with someone else; ultimately it didn't work out because he went back with the ex until she finally ended it in January, and i went my own way....so this is the 2nd time he has been back, i wouldn't put it past him to come back again...But until then....and who knows Well tomorrow is halloween, and i am going downtown, and he has his friend chris coming in from MI, so they are going downtown too. I bet i run into him....what should i do if i see him...and what if i am talking to another guy, i don't want him to think that i am fickle and just don't care and quickly replaced him. Should i go up to him and say hi or just wave and see if he comes to me....i know if he does see me talking to a guy it will kill him, and if he does see me i am sure he is going to want to come talk, especially with his friend in town...because he will look good being like ya look at my hot ex...duh duh duh, o i can just see it...should i hang around and talk if he comes up? or make it short and sweet and then say i have to pee or something and walk away....what do i do? how do i act? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kengne Posted October 30, 2005 Author Share Posted October 30, 2005 Wow. Regarding him being overwhelmed or depressed about his life - I'm sorry Juliet, I just don't buy it. I accept it at face value, but I simply don't understand. How can I? I've never been in that situation. I have been through:- Family deaths... Divorces... Cheating... (both my parents) Cheating... (in my past rel'ships) School Stress... Work Stress... EVERYTHING! And I never, ever pushed away the ppl I cared about in my life -- bcuz it was TOO MUCH. That smacks of weakness Juliet and I am not a weak person - I did it all Juliet !!! - and my mentality is that if I could do it - bcuz I cared - why can't he? My emotions tell me - bcuz he doesn't care, ENOUGH. I have to take this back... that was remnants of anger talking, and I don't like it. Sometimes I'm really unable to step outside of myself, and see a situation through another person's eyes. This being the perfect example. I can't sit here and accuse R of being weak... because he was upfront with me re: how he felt. Actually... I respect him because if the situation was reversed I probably wouldnt have been able to acknowledge it. Re: him possibly being depressed... I don't know, but it's possible. And if he is, I'm so sorry... because there is nothing I can do... and I hate seeing the ppl I care about... go through things like this. My dad has suffered from depression & it was heart-wrenching for me to watch. But logically - I DO understand that that is NOT the case, PPL ARE DIFFERENT! Not everyone can handle stress the same way I can. People have different thresholds for stress. Yes, yes YES!! I understand this all, LOGICALLY... but sadly I am NOT a logical person. And there's my problem. I need to learn to step outside myself, and see things from another person's perspective. Not everything is going to go the way I want it to. A part of me feels like he is weak. Emotionally.. mentally... I don't know! I just feel like his reaction to stress speaks volumes about how he handles stresses in his life... and I'm not too impressed! I'm not impressed I even wrote this. What was I thinking? Who am I to judge how another person handles their stress? But Right now Juliet... I have things I really need to work on myself .. namely, why have I jumped from rel'ship to rel'ship the past 6 years of my life? I have never been single for longer than a 3mth period! And that to me is a little, well, VERY disturbing!! This still holds true. I see a pattern here, and I'm not so sure why that is the case. I'm not even so sure anymore why I was so drawn to the rel'ship w R in the first place... was it my addiction to rel'ships? Was it a rebound from my ex-bf of 4 yrs? Was it bcuz of true feelings for R? The things I tht I knew... I don't know anymore. I have to work things out for myself. This I'm still not sure about. I know I care about R., but it seems like the whole world believes it was a rebound rel'ship for me... and I disagree! But am I just in denial? It wouldn't be the first time I refused to hear smth I didn't want to. So I think this time alone will do me good to clear things up. I'm not gonna say I will not be friends w R. I said it earlier.. but I realize now that was anger & hurt talking. I've gotten waay past that now. What I WILL say is whatever happens ... happens. I've stopped trying to control or predict the outcome, and have let it go. R is def very special to me, and he knows that. I've told him numerous times. And if R is meant to be in my life in ANY shape or form... then he will be. I leave it up to the Lord to determine the how, when & where. But if his part or role in the story of my life is over - then it's over! His part is dead. No point trying to resuscitate the dead, feel me? This was the smartest thing I said throughout this whole thread. And this mentality is what allows me to get through the days... without sorrow... anger.... hurt... K Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kengne Posted October 30, 2005 Author Share Posted October 30, 2005 ahhaha do you want to know something funny he is a Gemini...and his first initial is R. too....can you believe it...this is too weird! I am a gemini too, so you would think that i would be able to understand him, but your right he is a guy an who can figure them out! As for calling him i am going to wait it out about a month and call him maybe over thanksgiving break to say hi and see what is new but that is it. I don't need anymore friends i have plety. It is weird b/c part of me wants to cut off all contact but the other part of me doesn't. I think are timing to be together is just off...he isn't in the right time of his life yet for me...so maybe if when the timing is right and if i am not with someone, we may rekindle our relationship...but then again maybe not. I left part of our story of R. and i out b4.....we dated last summer a little, but he was back and forth with his ex and i was back and forth with someone else; ultimately it didn't work out because he went back with the ex until she finally ended it in January, and i went my own way....so this is the 2nd time he has been back, i wouldn't put it past him to come back again...But until then....and who knows Well tomorrow is halloween, and i am going downtown, and he has his friend chris coming in from MI, so they are going downtown too. I bet i run into him....what should i do if i see him...and what if i am talking to another guy, i don't want him to think that i am fickle and just don't care and quickly replaced him. Should i go up to him and say hi or just wave and see if he comes to me....i know if he does see me talking to a guy it will kill him, and if he does see me i am sure he is going to want to come talk, especially with his friend in town...because he will look good being like ya look at my hot ex...duh duh duh, o i can just see it...should i hang around and talk if he comes up? or make it short and sweet and then say i have to pee or something and walk away....what do i do? how do i act? First off - what a might coincidence that your ex is a gemini, with 1st initial R.! WoW:D 2nd - how do you act? Only you can decide. If it were me... I'd wait for him to approach me, and reciprocate. No need to be rude. If he waves, waves back. If he comes over to talk to you, talk to him. 3rd - him seeing you talking to another guy - if he does, so be it. Thats just the way the cookie crumbles. You two are no longer together - you are not accountable to him, and vice versa. If he feels jealous - good! Maybe it will make him realize what he is losing in you. If he's so determined abt his decision of course it will hurt him but you know how gemini's can be FOCUSED!! As far waiting a month to contact your ex - do you! He might even contact you before then. If so, at least clarify whether or not you intend to stay in touch. Don't feel pressured to be his friend if he asks... and don't feel ways telling him thanks, but no thanks. Take care! K. Link to post Share on other sites
starr3546 Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 another coincidence in us is our initial ...both K's...that is just funny any way i didn't see him the other night, but o-well i am sure he went everywhere he knew i prob wouldn't go. I ran into his buddy who works at one of the bars, i went to last night, and he was like where is R. and i am like i dunno; he broke up with me....he was like, what?..r u seriuos. He told me he just talked to him and he hasn't said anything to him about it. They are pretty close so it surprises me that he wouldn't tell his friends. Then he asked why and told him, in short b/c of somehting to do with school and time crap and he was like oooo...then he was like are you upset and ok; i told him that i was doing as good as i can, just trying to get on with my life and move on....then he asks me the strangest question... He is like do you love him, i just looked at him, andd dhe is like o my god u do....i didn't know what to say...so i was like well don't tell him, and he just looked at me funny. So i was like, ur going to tell him aren't yhou and he said ya...i told him to please not to b/c i wished he would spare me my pride....he was like ok i won't tell him. but i know he will. I am so mad at myself!!! Then he goes to me you know he is down here don't you, i was like ya, but i hope i don't see him, i just wanna have a good night. I can't believe he didn't tell his friend...good friend...i wondder why? Not to mention how surprised his friend was to hear that he dumped me...he was like that is so strange? Link to post Share on other sites
starr3546 Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 so i lost my cell phone on saturday...so i sent out a mass email yesterday morning really early to everyone on my mailing list to please send me their cell phone numbers. Well i didn't even think about it but R. email adress was in there. He sent me back an email with his number nothing more. Why would he does this? We never talked about seeing each other anymore...that is weird! Do u think maybe that is a sign that he wouldn't mind if i called him sometime....i mean if he didn't want to talk to me anymore wouldn't he just not respond...i wouldn't have even noticed that i sent him an email too, until he responded.... Link to post Share on other sites
CinderellaElla Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 You sure have been through alot with this guy. Some of your issues i can relate too cause i've been through some of them as well. I think that you 2 will end up being together. It seems it's going to work out that way. But it will only work if u want it too..and he wants it too. In afew years you may not want him but he may want you.... Everything will work out! I know it will! goodluck! Link to post Share on other sites
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