Why does it hurt so much? Please help!!

[billskrill]

My situation isn't too much different than what you all are going through. I'm 23 M and my ex gf who is 21 has a 20 month old son. The father to her son is now a part of her son's life but make no mistake about it my ex and this man have no kind of relationship except one that involves their son. They never dated it was just kinda a one night deal that ended up with a child. So anyways the father to her son wants to be a part of the son's life and this was causing stress on her. Her son was her #1 priority and the one thing in her life she cares the most about. Now she realizes she won't be around him as much and it's going to be harder to raise him in two different households. She also has been getting slammed with schoolwork on top of all of this and has very little free time. She broke up with me after 7 months saying that at this point in her life she isn't ready for a relationship. We had even talked about marriage which makes this so much more difficult on me. I truely love her and want to be a part of her life. I understand she's going through a tough time and I think that's the main reason she broke up with me. There is no other guy I know for sure and we are somewhat still friends in that we talk a couple of times a week and sometimes meet up. It's pretty awkward as we don't get into any discussion of our relationship, I try to keep things light and on a friend level. You know "how's your son, how's school, etc..." We do talk about the past but mostly bring things up that were either fun or funny. Anyways last Saturday she calls me while drunk and I meet up with her where she tells me "I love you...you do know that don't you?" And she repeated "I love you" about 6 more times and we kissed. Like I said she had been drinking so I don't make much of it and this was 5 days ago and I hadn't talked to her since. I just hope there is still hope for us and maybe she can see that I will be there for her even if she doesn't have the time to give me with just her. If she has 5 minutes to talk on the phone fine, if she has 0 mins I'll wait til the next day. I am willing to be flexible with her and am wondering if I should let her know how I feel, or keep things the way they are and hope for the best????

[Kengne]

My situation isn't too much different than what you all are going through. I'm 23 M and my ex gf who is 21 has a 20 month old son. The father to her son is now a part of her son's life but make no mistake about it my ex and this man have no kind of relationship except one that involves their son. They never dated it was just kinda a one night deal that ended up with a child. So anyways the father to her son wants to be a part of the son's life and this was causing stress on her. Her son was her #1 priority and the one thing in her life she cares the most about. Now she realizes she won't be around him as much and it's going to be harder to raise him in two different households. She also has been getting slammed with schoolwork on top of all of this and has very little free time. She broke up with me after 7 months saying that at this point in her life she isn't ready for a relationship. We had even talked about marriage which makes this so much more difficult on me. I truely love her and want to be a part of her life. I understand she's going through a tough time and I think that's the main reason she broke up with me. There is no other guy I know for sure and we are somewhat still friends in that we talk a couple of times a week and sometimes meet up. It's pretty awkward as we don't get into any discussion of our relationship, I try to keep things light and on a friend level. You know "how's your son, how's school, etc..." We do talk about the past but mostly bring things up that were either fun or funny. Anyways last Saturday she calls me while drunk and I meet up with her where she tells me "I love you...you do know that don't you?" And she repeated "I love you" about 6 more times and we kissed. Like I said she had been drinking so I don't make much of it and this was 5 days ago and I hadn't talked to her since. I just hope there is still hope for us and maybe she can see that I will be there for her even if she doesn't have the time to give me with just her. If she has 5 minutes to talk on the phone fine, if she has 0 mins I'll wait til the next day. I am willing to be flexible with her and am wondering if I should let her know how I feel, or keep things the way they are and hope for the best????

 

Hey you!

 

Sorry it took a while... I've been AWOL, getting on with my life in the real world. I will still check in from time to time, to give advice where I can.

 

Personally ... I think that by continuing to see her... talk to her ... etc ... you are giving her everything she wants - but what are you getting in return? Are your needs being met?

 

I'm sorry hun but this right here: " If she has 5 minutes to talk on the phone fine, if she has 0 mins I'll wait til the next day. "... is what I call a Doormat Mentality. Don't be her doormat - you are better than that! How is she going to respect you & value you if you are there, 24/7, at her beck and call? She will not. And what's worse - right now talking & seeing is only keeping your hopes up - you are not moving on. And moving on is for YOU.

 

Moving on doesn't mean you and the girl will NEVER be together down the road. Who knows? If she is meant to be in your life - she will be, soooner or later down the road. And if not, that is life!

 

But clearly right now she's going through stuff and is not in a position to give you what you want. OK cool - respect that, give her space to work out her things - but you need to do YOU. You need to heal & move on. You cannot heal & move on while simultaneously talking & seeing her. How do I know? Because you are still thinking about reconciliation. You need to stop thinking about reconcilation - FOR NOW. IMO, that door needs to be closed & locked - FOR NOW.

 

Yes it'll hurt - but you WILL get over it!

 

And more importantly - you need to release control of what you can't control i.e. her feelings, her actions, her coming back to you... and focus on the things you CAN control i.e. your feelings, your actions, your healing.

 

I know it hurts to imagine NEVER being with that person, so perhaps an easier way (at least for me) that I've used to deal with my past breakups is to look at it like this:

 

Me and X [name of ex-bf/ex-gf] are not together right now for X reason [reason of breakup]. This is not in my control, and I cannot worry about things that are not in my control. If X is meant to be in my life in any shape or form, he/she will be. But that is not within my control, and I cannot worry about the future or things not in my control. I will focus on the here and the now i.e. ME. I will move on. And whatever happens, happens. But whatever DOES happen, will be for the best because what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. There is a reason why I am going through this, and sooner or later that reason WILL be revealed to me. I just need to be patient, and focus on the HERE and the NOW and the things I can control.

 

It is so much simpler to get through a breakup when I stop worrying about what happened in the past... or what's going to happen in the future. I literally force myself to not think about those things and I feel 100% better. I focus strictly on the here and now - and thats how I go on!

 

My advice to you would be to practice NC until you can talk to her - without getting your hopes up. You may find after doing NC that you DONT even want to talk to her, or have her in your life! But you will not get to the point with contact. You will be stuck - and stuck ppl do not heal.

 

TRUSS ME - I have been thru 2 breakups this year already! And it DOES get easier w time. The first was AWWWWWWWWWWFUL - like a crackhead I could not keep from talking to my ex of 4 yrs (I initiated the breakup).We have alternated between periods of C and NC - at his request.

The 1st period of NC helped me get over him IMMENSELY, and I recommend NC (at least initially) to Everyone!!

 

Right now we are in contact - I'm seeing him today - but I do not know how long that will last as he is very flaky, and I know he still has feelings for me. His problem - he has not been consistent with NC.

 

The 2nd breakup (most recent) - the guy I was seeing for 5 mth initiated the breakup. We are supposedly doing this "Friends" thing which to me still works out to NC bcuz I am a bad friend (i'm always busy, and i rarely check my voice msgs or call ppl back unless I'm Extremely motivated) - and so is he. I unintentionally started NC last week - he didn't call, I didn't call. I've no real desire to, or not to speak to him. We talk when we talk.

 

The point is - for both breakups NC helped me to clear my head, logically look at the things that were good or bad, logically look at whether my needs were being fulfilled or not and make mental notes to myself of the things I will change for the next rel'ship I get into - WHETHER WITH AN EX OR A NEW PERSON.

 

Yes - I've started dating again. Some would argue I'm moving fast - but this time I will not make the same mistake twice - jump into a rel'ship freshly out of one. I'm dating for the fun of it, but taking this ME time to clear my heart of any & all past feelings & baggage. I don't want the next person I'm with to have to deal with any of my emotional baggage, esp if it's Mr Right.

 

Last - I don't know if I will ever get back with any of my ex-bfs. Who knows? The future is untold. But RIGHT NOW I am not with either of them, and that is fine with me . I am exactly where I need to be in my life.

 

Good luck to you!

 

K.

[billskrill]

Thanks for the reply, seriously it has helped me see things differently. You're right I dont need to be her doormat or be there when she needs me to be there. I have been good to her, maybe too good, and I will be good to the next girl I meet. I am no longer going to be in C with her. It's only been 1 day so far and my goal is to make it to day 60 and see how I feel then, see if I can be in C with her without feeling how I do now. You're right I have the best thing possible right in front of my eyes...the future. The future is untold but I'm no longer going to let my past hold me down from the future. It still hurts like hell but I will recover. Thanks and glad that things sound good in your life.

[Kengne]

Thanks for the reply, seriously it has helped me see things differently. You're right I dont need to be her doormat or be there when she needs me to be there. I have been good to her, maybe too good, and I will be good to the next girl I meet. I am no longer going to be in C with her. It's only been 1 day so far and my goal is to make it to day 60 and see how I feel then, see if I can be in C with her without feeling how I do now. You're right I have the best thing possible right in front of my eyes...the future. The future is untold but I'm no longer going to let my past hold me down from the future. It still hurts like hell but I will recover. Thanks and glad that things sound good in your life.

 

THAT IS THE ATTITUDE TO HAVE!!!

 

I hate to say this, but from the things in your other posts IMO it sounds like you have been too nice, too accessible, too available for her.

 

And nobody wants what they can have. BUT NOBODY!

 

She has given you... just like my ex-s have given me... a 2nd chance... YOUR FUTURE!

 

You WILL like someone else again.

The pain WILL go away.

You WILL meet someone as good (if not BETTER!) than her.

You WILL fall in love again.

You WILL move on from this.

Bigger & better things WILL happen to you.

 

THESE THINGS ARE A FACT! C'mon - statisitically speakly, how likely is it these things DONT happen?? Damn near impossible!

 

Lemme tell you sumthin else I've learnt... Hun, for every bad rel'ship thing that has ever happened in my life... smth better has ALWAYS....ALWAYS come along - WITHOUT FAIL!!!

 

From bf to bf I have learnt so much abt rel'ships.. what I WANT vs what i NEED... what HURTS vs what HELPS.... I could go on and on.. but the point is just when I think - OMG, this hurts SO MUCH, how am I EVER gonna get over X [insert bf/gf name here]?... I stop, reflect and remember back to a previous time when I tht the EXACT same thing... and then I remember how things changed, FOR THE BETTER.

 

I can safely say now... that the next person I get involved with ... is going to be one lucky ass man. WHY? Because he will have the pleasure of ME.

Because I know my worth - I am a prize, a treasure, STRAIGHT UP! AND THATS HOW YOU SHOULD VIEW YOURSELF - YOU ARE THE PRIZE!

And more importantly, he will have the pleasure of ME without:

 

A. emotional baggage.

B. emotional immaturity.

 

I thank all my ex-bfs. Cheaters and noncheaters.

 

Because they have given me a priceless gift - the gift to move on, the gift of experience. I take what I've learnt from each rel'ship, and apply it to the next so as to not make the same mistakes.

 

And I know that one day... one of those rel'ships will be THE ONE ... and HE will be extremely lucky because I will have grown so much as an individual... and all the pain.. the heartbreak I have gone thru (and I've been thru ALOT hun!)... all of it would have been worth it, because it will bring me to 'him'.

 

Thats how I look at it.

No pain, no gain.

You have to go through these low lows, so we can enjoy & appreciate the high highs.

 

Back off from that girl billskrilll...

 

Focus on you. Get your life & emotions straight. YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU, because she is not looking out for your needs - she's looking out for hers. It's time for you to get selfish. Yes she may cry and say "Why can't we talk? Why can't we be friends?" (I know bcuz I've done it - TWICE - to two exbfs I broke up with - and no, we never got back together but ALL THE INVOLVED PARTIES are so much better off!! - well, except my cheating ex-bf)

 

Anywho... she might do all this but you gotta be strong and say NO. Don't talk to her, until you are that emotional zone where you can. And when you get there ... you may not even want to talk to her anymore.

 

Take care, and best of luck!

 

K.

[billskrill]

Thanks. I know all of what you say is true but you know how it is when you're in my situation, you sometimes don't see what is so clear to everyone else. I'm starting to see that now and honestly this has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through, harder than relatives I've had passing, harder than one of my best friends dying at the young age of 18. It has literally taken my life over in that I can't seem to function BUT this is normal and I WILL end up a better and stronger person from this experience. One day I may be thankful it happened, actually one day I WILL be thankful this happened to me. I can't help it that I am a nice guy. I'm that type of guy...the type that will put her before me, the type that will go out of my way to make her smile, I'm just that type of person and I don't want to change for anyone but I have been told by many that I do need to have some mystery with me. I can't just let the girl know she's got me, I have to be a little harder to get than that. I don't know, but I do know that right now things are working out how they should, She IS giving me a 2nd chance like you said Kengne, a 2nd chance on life and a new chance to learn from my mistakes and try not to make them with the next girl. Anyways sorry to vent here but it feels good talking about it and getting things off my chest.

[Kengne]

Well here is an update:-

 

I did a show this past weekend (it was amazing!)

 

R called and left a voice msg on Sat to wish me good luck. I was crazy busy getting ready for the show that night & alot of other things. I did not call him back right away as I have in the past.

 

Sunday came & went ... day after the show, I'm dead tired.... the day is crazy hectic again ... alot of drama happening in & around me which I'm trying to deal with .... so I didn't get a chance to call him back... I made a mental note to send an email him early in the week to acknowledge receipt of his good luck msg. *remember, we're doing this whole 'Friends' thing*

 

Monday comes... I'm on my way to work. Ladies & Gents - I've made a lifestyle change and I'm actually ON TIME for work!! *this is a BIG thing for me as I am always late EVERYWHERE*... anywho.. he calls while I'm on my way to work... I missed the call, but saw he left a voice msg... my phone battery is almost dead so I decide to check it at work...

 

Get to work... WORK IS CRAZY *as I was away on Fri to prepare for the show, so my desk is PILED UP* .... around 10am or so?...I'm on the phone

with a Client... guess who calls? Yup....R ... with his no blocked (WHY?)... the first thing out of his mouth "Why have you been avoiding my calls?":rolleyes: ... As if the world revolves around him.

 

I tell him I'm on the phone with a client... and that I will call back ...

 

The day goes by... busy at work... drama w the other things happening in my life... I dont get a chance to call him back. I have plans right after work so I head out ... my phone is now dead folkz and off....

 

I'm busy doing my thing.... sometime in the evening I pick up my voice msgs... hear quite a few blank msgs from a BLOCKED NO ... then a msg from him ... "I don't know what's going on... you havn't called me back ... I wanted to tell you something but since u can't pick up your phone forget it!... i'll talk to you when I talk to you..."

 

Ladies & gentleman... let's give him a round of applause. This is what I call the Manipulation Tactic, which he is quite fond of. Countless times he has left me a voice msg...saying "I wanted to tell you smth but oh well!"... only for me to call back to hear "Oh, I just wanted to say the sky was blue" or some other foolishness! I think he does it to manipulate me (or ppl) into calling him back... just so he can say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

 

When I heard that last msg... I was tired as hell.. on my way home & quite simply did not have the energy or desire to speak with him at the moment.

 

So I go home... straight to bed... In the morning I see that 2 calls came thru from a BLOCKED NO at 1AM...HM:rolleyes: ... i slept thru it.

 

At this point I figure this is getting ridiculous. He clearly thinks I'm intentionally avoiding him, EVEN AFTER we had the talk where I told him we could be "friends"... and I even called him after that!! But now all of a sudden bcuz I'm not jumping to return his call... he thinks I have a problem with him.

 

SO I wake up extra early to send him an email saying Hey, I'm sorry...yada yada...only to find he has beat me to the punch.

 

He sent me an email... basically calling me childish bcuz I'm ignoring his attempts to speak with me... and saying how he always put up with my funky spells w/o hangin up on me... and all he wanted was to tell me X [recognize the manipulation technique at work again?]... and how I should at least give him that respect to hear him out like he heard me out (i assume in the past)... and after that if I choose not to speak to him after fine...

 

I almost lost it.

 

His email, IMO, was uncalled for & smacked with overwhelming hostility. I found the things he said hurtful, and out of proportion to the events that transpired.

 

I called him on my way to work... OF COURSE HE DIDNT ANSWER... tit for tat AS always... told him I rec'd his email, and left a curt voice msg for him to call me back.

 

I got to work... re-read the email... and replied to it.

 

I basically said: 1) thank u for wishing me good luck, the show was great 2) I apologized for not calling him back as I'd been busy, and I asked him if it ever even crossed his mind for ONE SECOND! that my not calling back right away had NOTHING to do with him 3) I let him know that his comments re my funky spell & childishness were unappreciated & hurtful and 4) I advised him that I preferred to address his last few comments re: us speaking & whatever he had to tell me...over the phone, and that when he was ready to speak to me he could give me a call. But if not, FINE.

 

I think I handled it well. There was ALOT MORE that could've been said about HIM and all his imperfections, but I refuse to sling dirt with him over how I am/ how he is. It's petty & I just don't have the energy for it.

 

Right now I'm just annoyed at the whole situation. I'm annoyed that he can't see past himself to think that maybe I have other things on my plate, and that he would send that stinking email to paint ME as the bad guy.

 

Being 'friends' shouldn't be this hard!!!

 

I'm starting to feel animosity towards him, and I'm scared. I'm scared because it reminds me of my 2nd ex-bf whom after we broke up the 2nd time (my call)... things just got sour REAL QUICK. We used to be good friends! He broke up with me - no problem. I broke up with him the 2nd time - hell hath no fury. He gave me the cold shoulder, threatened me... it was ugly. My feelings for him turned sour, curdled and died.

 

This is what I feel is beginning to happen. By R making this BIG STINK over me not calling him back right away... when my tolerance is down to ZERO... I feel like he is pushing me over the edge. I'm not having it!

 

When we were together - me not calling back right awy (or calling him period) was a BIG issue. I tried, for the sake of the 'rel'ship', to remedy that. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. For that, I'm truly sorry. I would have liked the opportunity to try harder as I realize now it REALLY bothered/frustrated him... but situations changed.. circumstances changed... we are not together. I've accepted it... see where I went wrong... and will not make the same mistake with the next person.

 

That being the case - NOW he has dropped down to Friend Status. Which means to ME, he is no longer a priority for me and vice versa. It just boggles my mind that he fails to realize this, and has tried to pull a guilt trip on ME.. calling ME childish? Acting like he's frigging perfect.

 

I could go on for days. But I won't.

 

I just know this negative energy is destructive & harmful.

 

I don't know if he will call or email back, but I'm almost at a point where quite frankly I don't care. Friends should not be stressful. I am not obligated to deal with a stressful friend. If you are adding stress to my life as a friend - that is stress I don't need, and thus a friend I don't need.

 

If he calls or emails... I will gladly hear whatever he has to say. I would like to clear the air once & for all. If that means we no longer speak - so be it. I'm not begging for ANYTHING.

 

WHew - glad that's out. Thanks for listening y'all!

 

K.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

It has literally taken my life over in that I can't seem to function BUT this is normal and I WILL end up a better and stronger person from this experience. One day I may be thankful it happened, actually one day I WILL be thankful this happened to me.

 

i don't think it does make you stronger, all my breakups and especially the last one have left me a cynical nervous wreck, i am perhaps a better person as I have discovered depression in the past and I have understood and advised people on this

 

i wished to god none of it happened to me, it has more of less dampened my life since i was 25

 

and i'm not sure i can go back to my young age happiness, I have thought of this for years

[starr3546]

Kengne~~~

 

I just wanna say that i am so proud of you and the way you handled the situation with him. It is so funny how when he thinks he is loosing you tht he comes running back, trying to turn it around on you....that is so gay he is the one acting immature.

 

It is hard to be so strong, i decided last night to not take R. back even if he does come back. Then this morning i wake up, go to class, and then come home, only to see that R. has been checking my pictures on line through aim.... I have a spy link, and he knows about this. He checked it 3 times today, when he knows there are no new pictures up b/c he checked them on saturday....however the funny thing is, is that he is is checking them under a screen name he doesn't think i know about....

 

so this just gets me thinking maybe he misses me..

 

then i think again about it, and wonder am i willing to give him my feelings again and run the risk of him hurting me again....

 

I want him so bad but i think i need to walk away....i find myself crying a lot today...i think it's maybe cuase i know what i have to do and that is forget about him, even if he does come back....

[Kengne]

GIRL PLEASE BE STRONG!

 

I know it's hard - it has been hard for me too. What has helped me TREMENDOUSLY is letting go and letting God.

 

I do not think about tomorrow, and try hard not to think about yesterday. I, for one, have closed & locked the door on reconciliation - right now. What that means to me is RIGHT NOW - we are not together, PERIOD. I don't know how long 'RIGHT NOW' will last whether it be 2 weeks, 2 mths, 2 years or forever! The important thing is that I am focusing on the HERE and the NOW, and I REFUSE to worry about the things beyond 'RIGHT NOW'.

 

In the first few days *TOUGH* yeah I tht alot about - are we gonna get back together? Should I take him back IF he does come back? It drove me nuts!! In the first few days after the break-up, my ego imagined 1001 scenarios of when & how he was going to come back - and precisely & exactly how I was going to punk his ass! Girl I had it planned down to the location, what I'd be wearing, what I would say, what he would say .... LOL.... thinking back now all I can say is - CRAZY.

 

But that was my ego talking - immature as usual.

 

And thats when I realized THE ONLY WAY to get through this was to STOP LETTING MY EGO CONTROL MY THTS and STOP THINKING SO DAMN MUCH!! and only focus on the things I could control i.e. my feelings, my actions.

 

My friends asked me before what would I do if he came back. A few days ago I would've said FUCC HIM! (that was my ego of course)

 

NOW if they were to ask (but they won't since I do not talk about him anymore) - but if they DID, l'd tell them 1)I'm not concerned about whether he comes back or not - I don't need a man in my life and I will be just peachy W or W/O him and more importantly 2) I don't know what I'd do and I refuse to think about it unless that situation arises. Why think about an event that has yet to happen & may very well never happen?

 

That is me causing myself stress. Do you understand? WE CAUSE OURSELVES STRESS! ANd just as easily as we cause it, we can stop it.

 

I have chosen to stop it by not thinking about it.

 

I won't lie - I also have a close knit network of friends who are simply amazing. My friends V... J....T....E... all of them have been there for me 150%... we've had countless conversations, we've gone out clubbing, we've laughed, we've had dinners.... they will not let me be down! They're really too much. They help remind me that all of this I am going & have gone thru - WILL PASS! And that I have SO much going for me, and that I will be stronger bcuz of this, and I WILL go on to meet Mr Right - or at least another Mr Right Now

 

See what I'm saying hun?

 

I just really believe in a higher being - leave it in His hands. He will choose the best course of action for me - and put the right people in my life, when they need to be there and for the duration they need to be there. I do not worry, because I know He is looking after me.

 

Girl.... when I was 17... before I got into my 2nd long-term rel'ship... before I had a large network of close friends... this is what I believed in... and this is what got me through 2 failed rel'ships... I always just looked forward to the future, & bigger & better things... coming out of a 4 yr rel'ship my thinking was warped bcuz I'd planned my future with my ex-bf.... and was stuck in that mindset... so I've had to re-wire myself to think that anything is possible... I am not going to derail my future by erroneously thinking that my ex-bf M of 4 yrs is the only one for me... nor the recent ex R.... right now I don't know who 'The One' is... but I know the Lord does... ... and sooner or later He will put that person in place... I just have to be patient.

 

Feel me?

 

I hope this helps somewhat!

 

Take care, & be strong!

 

We are thinking of you.

 

K.

 

Truss me - it will get easier

[Kengne]

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....

 

After the back & forth of yest...

R replied to my email with a LOOONG one of his own... basically dissecting how & why he felt i was avoiding him... and asking me to be straight with him... it was SOOOOOOO MUCh to absorb...

 

I emailed him back asking him to call me to discuss it... he called this morning... and we talked on & off for more than an hour..

 

The first part of the convo was disgusting... he was interrupting me 24/7... I was yelling... i basically told him he was no longer a priority for me & vice versa, and that his actions of the previous week proved that (his marked absence from my show)... he said he wasn't sure if he was still invited or not, and since i never said anything he just assumed i no longer wanted him to come...

 

Clearly there was alot of miscommunication on BOTH our ends...

 

After that... the convo went alot smoother... I told him my dating other ppl... he's not happy about it, but what can he say? (NOTHING)... he's still claiming to not be dating other ppl, that this time is for him...

 

The one main thing I got out of this conversation... and I am so happy & thankful for it... is resolution to the break-up.

 

I JUST DID NOT UNDERSTAND! I did not.

 

The topic of our rel'ship & the break-up came up... NOT RIGHT AWAY tho... and I calmly asked him flat out - WHY? Why couldn't he just be straight with me? If US together was not working out, if we just didn't click anymore, if we're not right for each other - SAY SO! Don't sugarcoat it with "I need time and/or space".

 

Guys... the reason I asked him this is bcuz in the past... when i broke up with someone... I have flat out lied and said it was me, when in reality it was smo else! I did this ONLY because I didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings - but I certainly did not mention anything about revisiting the rel'ship down the road. I just didn't want to hurt that person's feelings.

 

I told him this... asked him to just be straight with me... Was it really time alone he needed - to deal with his issues & sort his feelings out? Is it really THAT simple? Does it really have little to do with me & mostly to do with him & his issues? OR.... is he tryna sugarcoat it for me... as I have sugarcoated it for others (and which he has done as well).

 

If he really sees us not working out - please just SAY SO NOW and not try to spare my feelings... I'm a big girl, I will understand....and he said he understood me completely & my P.oV.... he'd done it too in the past (i.e. lying abt breaking up)... but he said he understood ME...and that he was being honest, and he understood I wanted his complete honesty... but that the situation is not as black/white as I would like to make it...

 

This is what he told me.

 

Basically... he still cares Alot about me... he just needs this time alone to sort out things with himself, and get himself straight and his feelings, and find out why he is unable to give me his 100%, his all... before continuing [if at all or ever] in the rel'ship.. he said he still feels we click... and that he misses me... he's not happy with me dating other ppl... he actually didn't believe I would and is surprised, but now that he knows he's a lil frightened & scared to lose me... but at the same time he knows he needs this time alone to sort things out for himself, and doesn't think its fair to me or him to jump back into a rel'ship out of fear of losing me to someone else [as opposed to being with me bcuz he WANTS and is READY to be with me, and NOT just bcuz he doesn't want someone else to have me]... and that he can't tell me what I want to hear and say there is NO hope or future for us because that would be a lie for him.... that's NOT how he feels... he understands my P.o.V. abt wishing it was black or white .... but that's not the case... he just needs this time alone to sort things out for himself...

 

The conversation was pretty much a repeat of what we already discussed... but the difference this time is - I understand. And I believe him. The sincerity in his voice - either he's a damn good liar or he's really telling the truth.

 

This is my first time ever being in this situation... where someone can care about you, but not be able to give you their 100% all... be upfront with you about it... and want to take the time out to deal with their issues... as opposed to leading you on in the rel'ship... and on top of that, still possibly want to reconnect somewhere down the road...?? WTF?

 

He also mentioned to me that he felt it was unfair...after what my ex-bf of 4 years did to me... cheating & got someone pregnant... I was willing & able to remain friends with him... but bcuz he tells me upfront where his head was at... I'm ready to write him off?

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!! Sooooo much was said...

 

But the main point IS: I got something alot of ppl never get after a break-up. CLOSURE.

 

I understand now that this is NOT about me, or a rejection of ME... or that he DOESN'T care about me or DOESN'T see things between us EVER working out... this is about HIM, and HIM needing to work out HIS issues & feelings...

 

And if that REALLY is the case - and I really believe him NOW - then of COURSE he needs to work them out on HIS OWN - and NOT in a rel'ship!! You have to have yourself in order before you can be with someone else.

 

Now don't get it twisted - he's not giving me any false hope. He did not say we'd get back together, or how long he woud take to sort out his issues, and I did not ask! Why - because I really have no expectations. I am moving on with my life - without him. If he re-enters - fine. If not - that's fine as well. Our conversation today closed & locked the door on us getting back together. I have closed the door to reconciliation. I am no longer focusing on that, or wishing for it. And it feels GREAT to feel this way!

 

I can honestly say.. I don't know what's gonna happen in the future. But I don't have any hopes of us getting back together either - because I don't know! Who knows how I will feel weeks from now, or him? Neither of us! Things change... ppl change.... feelings change...

 

But more than anything I honestly believe this break-up was for the best, and was the right thing for him to do NOW - as opposed to 10 mths into the rel'ship! . I'm glad he was honest with me - honest enough to set me free and give me a second chance - my future - with or w/o him.

 

I'm feeling on such a high right now - if I could bottle this feeling and give it to you all, I would.

 

The only way to get over someone is to let go... of the past and of the future... both things you cannot control... and to focus on the present... which you can control.

 

I believe in God - things happen for a reason. There is a reason behind this. And it will soon be revealed - I'm so excited!

 

Thats it for now!

 

More later!

 

K.

[Kengne]

How are things with you hun?

Are you feeling better?

Have you spoken to R at all?

 

I hope all is well with you! Please holla.

 

As for me - nothing new w regards to my ex R.

 

HOWEVER - remember my OTHER ex, M? The cheater.

 

Can smo plz explain to me WHY IS HE STILL IN THE PICTURE?

[Kengne]

If y'all recall - we are currently in C. I called him up a few days after R & I broke up - DONT ASK ME WHY - I was a complete mess that first weekend. There has always been something about M - even when we are in a shouting match or on non-speaking terms - NO MATTER WHAT - I've always felt able to call him up, no matter what is going in my life, and just talk to him. He's a good listener - AS LONG AS IT ISNT ABOUT US - bcuz then things tend to get ugly.

 

So I called M up.... we get to talking and so forth and of course he asks abt R.... I tell him we're not together... he's silent at first but then he asks for the details and two twos later the whole story comes out...

 

It was just a complete mess. The whole conversation. M started telling me how much he missed me... and how it kills him that I'm missing R... and he said he was sure R was missing me too... it was just too much emotions.

 

And then I started to cry.... because M is telling me all this jazz eg how he loves me, he never stopped loving me, he hasnt been with anyone else... and I'm crying for 2 reasons... what I lost with R more recently ... and what I lost with M...

 

I was soooooooooooo MAD that nite!

 

Mad at R ... Mad at M ... mad at myself ...

 

It's so weird. Even after all M did to me ... the cheating, the arguments, everything! ... I just CANNOT bring myself to hate him or despise him. I feel... relieved that I found out abt the cheating earlier this year... and MAD that he still tries to act like he made a mistake...UHM HELLO:rolleyes: ... cheating with 20+ diff ppl over a 2 yr span is NOT a 'mistake'!!! And to top it all off, he wants me to believe he still loves me and wants to marry me?

 

All I can say is HM. Two tears in a bucket. Cry me a river.

 

Actually - he HAS cried! Early October... we were talking late one nite (why do ppl always get emotional late at nite?? )... and then he started bawling on the phone to me... yes, BAWLING... ... about how much he missed me... how he f*cked up (DAMN RIGHT)... how he's so sorry... and OMG ... he asked me if he would one day find somebody else and be happy?

 

GUYS - it killed me to listen to him that night. It just KILLED ME. Because no matter how much he has hurt me -I cannot and do not want to hurt him. I just do not. I want him to be happy. I do not wish on him the pain he put me through.

 

I cried as well that night with him... because I've known that awful pain... wanting desperately for things to work out, be a certain way... I shed MANY a tears for my ex M over the years... MANY... so when he cried that nite... for the first time EVER... in the 4 yrs I've known him!!!...Over ME and what we had... it was SURREAL... like a reversal of roles...

 

But at the same time I couldnt feel TOO sorry for him - as I told him - bcz WHERE THE HELL WAS HE WHEN I CRIED? My tears fell on empty & uncaring ears. He did not care when I cried. When things b/t us were good they were good. But when they were bad, they were REALLY BAD. And all I seem to remember is the bad times.

 

I think that... if and when I found out abt the cheating... the situation had been different... eg if he told me he was in love with the other girl (the one he got PREGNANT!) ... I would have felt different. I think... I think I would have hated him. I KNOW it.

 

Because then our WHOLE REL'SHIP would have been a lie. Not just the exclusivity portion... but the emotions along with it. He would have lied to me ... emotions / exclusivity... EVERYTHING a bald faced lie.

 

I think that I survived that whole ordeal because at the end of the day... I never once doubted that M was IN LOVE WITH and DID love me. That core belief has never changed, even now. But I always tht that if YOU CHEAT - you don't love the person you cheated on right?

 

But it's not that black & white. You can love someone to DEATH - and still cheat on them.

 

It was a hard lesson for me to learn... but I am thankful, bcuz it couldve been so much worse...

So what puzzles me now is WHY? Why do I still feel the need to keep in touch with him?

 

Ppls first reaction is: I'm still IN love with him.

 

I don't buy it. I know I still LOVE him - but I also love my friends. It's the same - but different. Looking back on my rel'ship with M I dont know if I was ever IN LOVE with him. It was beyond love. It was a crazy DESIRE maybe even at times unhealthy? I dunno. It's so confusing.

 

I feel like he is a part of my past... but a part of me also. How do you just cut someone off like that? HOW do you stop caring? DO you ever stop? Will I always feel like this?

 

Sometimes I wonder how I'd feel if smth *KNOCK ON WOOD* was to happen to him. And then my chest gets all achey and I just know... I know I'd go crazy. I would lose it. What does that mean?

 

During my rel'ship w R there were times where M asked me to stop contacting him. And I DID - for a while.

 

But sooner or later... I always call M up... boredom, curiosity, desire to know how he's doing? I dunno... I just do. And then when he gets mad at me for contacting him I get even madder!

 

He has claimed talking to me - he says he can't focus on moving on.

 

And I DO want him to move on - but at the same time it feels SOOO UNJUST.

 

HE cheated.

HE got someone pregnant.

HE caused the rel'ship to end.

I FORGAVE him.

I still wanted to be FRIENDS.

But now that he can't be with me - he doesn't wanna talk to me?

 

HOW UNFAIR!!

 

Call me selfish... call me uncaring.... but I don't give a f*ck! I think he has to suck it up. He f*cked up - we're not together, I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG - and so he better damn well be able to be friends!!!

 

OK OK OK... I know I'm talking crazy here lol... but at times that IS how I feeel. And yes - I know life isn't fair.

 

It just burns me because I know the MINUTE I meet smo else... and bcuz I'm dating now it'll only be a matter of time ... our so-called 'friendship' is going to go down the drain... and it hurts. He refuses to date ppl - as he claims his feelings for me make that pointless. I think he should date other ppl - for his sake and for mine. I don't want it to be one-sided.

 

AAAAAAAAAARGH - this is so messed up.

 

K.

[Kengne]

This website is turning into my very own live journal lol.

THANK HEAVENS you ppl don't know me - so I can just rant & rave at will lol.

 

I tried re-reading my last post from an outsider's P.O.V. - and it makes absolutely NO SENSE why I am still in touch with my ex M after all the bull**** he put me thru - NONE.

 

Shouldn't I be angry at him? Furious? Upset? Mad? Deceived? Bitter?

 

I should feel smth... but I don't. I just have no strong negative feelings towards him and it PUZZLES ME.

 

I remember the day I found out - I just felt SOOOOOOO ... RELIEVED. GLAD. Like OK - NOW I can walk away. This is my way out. I did EVERYTHING I could to make the rel'ship work - and it DIDNT. This is not my fault. I am free.

 

But with R - I can't say the same thing. I care about him alot. But after taking a LONG hard look, I KNOW I didn't do EVERYTHING I could to make things work. I KNOW, NOW, I didn't try my hardest. Why? I'm not sure. But I do know a part of me was scared of getting hurt - AGAIN - and in a way it held me back. And I'm sorry for that. Thats the one thing I regret. But I also KNOW now that ULTIMATELY - things happen as they do for a reason.

 

This break-up is making me into a better person. Because this ME TIME is forcing me to re-evaluate EVERYTHING -> my emotional maturity... my communication skills... and esp my interactions w ppl close to me.

 

For example... I've discovered that I have been a SELF-CENTRED FRIEND in the past! OMG I never realized how many things go ON around me, in my friends lives that I just NEVER paid attn to bcuz it had NOTHING to do with me. It was all part of the background to me... nonconsequential...

 

EVEN my CLOSE CLOSE friend J... He was ALWAYS there for me... listened to me time and time again... given me countless advice...

 

We stopped talking shortly before my break-up - because in his words he simply did not 'have the energy for me' . OMG IT WAS SO HARD! It was the first time in our friendship he was not there for me... in MY time of need... BUT I SURVIVED!

 

I did not break down and call him - while he was going thru his issues.

 

I gave him his space... and about 2 weeks post break-up, he contacted me again and we started talking. We're VERY VERY cool now ... but things are different.

 

BCUZ FOR ONCE - it's no longer abt ME, ME ME and whats going on in MY life.

 

I REALLY listen to his stories & trials & tribulations - because I actually CARE and want to be there for him as a friend like he's always been there for me.

 

I am learning to give of myself & my time to others - without expecting anything back. I'm trying to not focus on me & what I'm dealing with - but focus instead on others and what they're dealing with, and how I can help them.

 

It's not always easy - but I'm learning now how to be a better friend and a better person, and hopefully one day a better girlfriend.

 

My life somehow is more fulfilling ... now that I'm putting more energy into developing & maintaining my friendships.

And making life less about ME.

 

OK that's enough rambling for now.. gotta go eat, I'm STARVED!

 

K.

[Kengne]

It was buggin me today.

 

I could not understand how when M and I broke up - I was upset/hurt/relieved but not really angry with him. I was VERY DISAPPOINTED... but not really angry.

 

However when R & I broke up - hell hath no fury!! Initially I was soooooooooooooo MAD! My overwhelming anger didn't make any sense to me.

 

I think it's 2 things.

 

1. I realize now... that a good portion of the INITIAL anger was ego-based. Yup, my ego was bruised. I mean DAMN I've never been dumped before (except ONE TIME in high school but then he came back and I dumped his trifling a$$ so that cancels out ). But my ego is only part of the story.

 

I think the larger portion of the anger was for the 2nd reason:

 

2. With M... the rel'ship had reached its full potential. It had climaxed, and we were at the anticlimax. I felt no anger because really, there was no where to go. Our rel'ship was heading absolutely NO WHERE. I felt relieved.

 

But with R... I felt like the rel'ship never really got a chance to blossom properly. It happened REAL fast, it was real intense & honestly it seemed longer than 5 mths.. But the point is, I felt/feel there was potential... potential that has not been fully explored and may or may not ever be explored. I'm not concerned abt that now, but I know back then I was SOOOOOOOOOO angry because in a sense I felt CHEATED out of what COULD have been ... does that make any sense??

 

I knew this break=up was different bcuz I found myself wanting to RID my world of ANY and ALL reminders of R... smth I never did with M, bcuz quite simply I was never that angry at him.

 

OFF TOPIC SIDE NOTE ---> OMG I am sooooooooooo horny.....! Times like this I wish I could do the casual sex thing ... but that is NOT my cup of tea UGH this is frustrating ....

 

BACK TO TOPIC

 

Talked to M today again ... we've been talking quite often lately ... and for the moment our 'friendship' is very stable ... and very comfortable & comforting for me ... ... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

 

I wonder at times if I'm using him ... intentionally or unintentionally ... ? ... wow I will have to sleep on that one ... more thts on that later...

 

OK OFF TO BED FOR ME!

 

K.

[Kengne]

HERE GOES:

 

As you all know I last spoke with my ex R on Tues... when we got into a scuffle re my 'ignoring' or 'avoiding' him... and we decided to give this friends thing a go while he was 'working on his issues'.

 

So on Sunday he calls me private no. I miss the call. He calls back from his cell. I again missed the call, but picked up a voice msg he left me. He said he wanted to ask me smth. WHY NOT just ask me in the voice msg then?

 

Anywayz... I was busy running around doing some errands & chilling with some frenz... so I made a mental note to call him back - in a day or so.

 

But within the next 3 hrs ... he called abt 3-4 more times. Left a few blank messages, and then one saying "I really want to speak to you abt smth. I need to get smth off my chest."

I decided to call him back sooner than later.

 

So I called - he answered the phone and then launched into how he wants to speak with me - IN PERSON. I asked him to tell me over the phone- but he would not. He insisted he wanted to speak with me IN PERSON, and then went on to say how we hadnt seen each other in a while (not since before our breakup).

 

Over the phone he DID tell me as a side note that he wanted to apologize re: our scuffle on Tuesday... cuz both he & I were yelling at each other at one pt in time... he then also asked me if I felt he had ever pushed me in the rel'ship, to which I said yes but I did not get into the specifics about it.

 

At that pt he reminded me that he still wanted to speak to me in person. I was reluctant to meet with him - IMO, what is the point? We haven't seen each other since the break-up, why start now? But after some persuasion - I agreed. I had a date that night, so I told him he could come down that night (he did not want to see me later in the week) but it had to be sooner than later as I was going out later on.

 

So he gets to my house abt 45 mins later. He asks for us to go walking, in a park near my house *SIDE NOTE: we havnt gone walking together in weeks, so I found his request a little odd but whatever*So we're walking.... and end up by the bleachers at a football field.

 

He started off by saying how he wanted to come clean *my face -> * bcuz he hadnt been COMPLETELY honest about the circumstances surrounding our breakup. Internally I was furious, but I kept a cool face. I asked him, AGAIN - to just be straight with me!! WAS there a 3rd party involved? To which he paused and then answered "Yes. Sort of."

 

 

At then point I just lost it!

 

My cool face came off and I snapped at him "So you LIED to me. Who is the third party? Who is the person?"

 

He then paused again and said "It's difficult... it's not just abt the 3rd person. I just felt our rel'ship was too crowded -"

 

I just cut him off and said "SO who is it R??"

 

He then turned to me, looked me straight in the eye and said "It's M."

 

M = MY EXBOYFRIEND of 4 YEARS, the CHEATER

 

I said "Excuse me? M" and he said "Yes." So then I said "No, LET ME clarify. I'm asking who is the 3rd person, that you had feelings for and were busy taking time out to clarify your feelings.. who is THAT person"

 

He then re-stated "I know what you're trying to say, and again that's NOT the case. The third person I'm talking abt is M."

 

:eek:

 

Sheer & utter shock.

 

He then started talking... ALOT was said but the gist of it is as follows:

 

From Day 1... he's always questioned me regarding my feelings for my ex M. He has questioned me several times abt whether or not I had unresolved feelings for M. R and I got together abt 3 mths after the end of my 4 yr rel'ship with M. R says that during the course of our rel'ship, esp the last few weeks he always felt like there was 3 ppl in our rel;ship - Me, R and M. And R said he felt, OVERWHELIMGLY SO, that he was the 3rd wheel, the outsider, the sore thumb. He didnt and doesn't understand why M continued to creep back into my life, as we alternate b/t periods of C & NC. He then started listing a series of events surrounding M that just made him become even more & more frustrated with our rel'ship...

 

i.e. our NUMEROUS fights (b.t M and me) regarding our 'friendship' (M still has feelings for me and wants to be more than friends)... me writing M an "I Miss You" letter after 1.5 mths of NC (our longest period of NC EVER!)... me visiting & hanging out w M.. me spending time w M and the BABY he had with a girl he CHEATED on me with... guys the list goes ON and ON... alot of it is ridiculous & I have ceased trying to explain to my friends why I still feel the need or desire to have M in my life..

 

So anyways... R told me how he didn't understand why I could not or would not let go of M, esp. after M had repeatedly asked me to stop contacting him - but I still did. R told me he saw all these things happening, and the frustration & resentment towards M and me just built up within him.

 

He felt like he already pointed out to me that he was not cool abt me & M's friendship (WHICH I MUST ADMIT HE DID SEVERAL TIMES ), but since I made no effort to end the friendship & always tried to justify it with "Oh M has been there for me all my adult life... I care abt him etc ...".. and displayed this NEED to talk to M (even after he told me Not to contact him)…or run to M when I have a problem (as opposed to R)… he felt it was pointless to talk to me abt M, as it wouldn’t have a made a difference. So he said nothing… his frustration grew internally, and he started flying off the handle at all sorts of things e.g. me not calling him, or answering phone calls etc…He said nothing, bcuz he felt he couldn’t talk to me as far as M was concerned, since I had him ‘allegedly’ on this pedestal. He felt like he couldn’t come to me and say “Kengne, your rel’ship w M is unhealthy for you and for our rel’ship – please stop talking to M.”

 

That’s the gist of it. I tried to counter back with “But you still talk to your ex gf” (WHICH HAS NEVER BOTHERED ME)… and he of course was quick to tell me, as is true, the situtation is different. 1)He wasn’t in love with her 2) They ended on amicable terms…. No cheating…… and 3) unlike M he said, his ex N is not calling him down professing her undying love for R, nor asking to get back with R. So yes – their friendship is different.

So basically this explained… to me… the emotional withdrawal I had noticed from R in the last few weeks. He said the frustration just grew to the point where he knew if left unchecked, it would’ve ruined our rel’ship and he doesn’t want that. He felt that the only way he could deal with his frustration & sort out his feelings was to take a time out. He said, as he said before, that he didn’t WANT the breakup but he felt he NEEDED it – to be alone & clear his thts & frustration & resentment etc... And since neither of us believe in “breaks” he felt the only option was to break up.

 

He did mention to me how very hurt he was also… when he asked for time alone to sort out his feelings/issues etc… how I wouldn’t be friends with him… we barely spoke these last few weeks… but yet after ALL the M did to me… I was willing to be friends with M, and he felt that it was unfair bcuz he hadn’t done anything wrong…other than ask for space (WHICH I GAVE).

 

But as he said to me when we broke up, he didn’t stop wanting to be with me. He said his feelings for me have grown deeper… and that I’m a very special person to him…and that he missed me … and he basically wants us to work things out. I.e. start from scratch… get to know one another again… hang out…. Enjoy each other’s company… date… and hopefully be more, and better than friends… and better than before. He said like he said before, that he still feels there is so much potential for us… and he wants us to work things out. Basically… he wants us to start over… he wants a second chance.I was speechless.

 

He said he understood that I couldn’t give him an answer right now… and that he’s sorry beyond sorry for hurting me… but that he didn’t know how else to deal with the frustration that was mounting within him… he said he just NEEDED to do this.. NEEDED to be alone… he thanked me OVER AND OVER for giving him his space, and said that he understand I need space now to make my decision… i.e. as to whether there’s hope for us, or if its completely over for me… he asked me if I still had feelings for him, as he said I’d been so cold to him these last few weeks (EG by GIVING HIM SPACE and doing NC)…

 

I didn’t lie. I told him I still have feelings for him… but I am confused… and hurt… by his actions. I do understand with regards to M (EVERYONE HAS BEEN TELLING ME I SHOULD STOP TALKING TO M, as it WOULD RUIN ANY NEW RELSHIPS – AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!)

 

I just feel so.. overwhelmed. To know that I’ve been going through pain these last few weeks… bcuz of my ex M!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

 

Right now I don’t know what the hell I am going to do. This is what I wanted, but not how I expected. [/b]I would’ve NEVER EVER EVER guessed in a million years that his needing time alone to deal with his issues - had to do w M, even tho my friends & family HAD WARNED ME before that it was only a matter of time before my SUPPOSED ‘unresolved’ feelings for M, or M himself – would become an issue in R and I’s rel’ship.

 

I am just at a total loss. I asked R for time… time to sort things out with myself, and make a decision. He says he understands, and that its NOT in his control but that he will give me the time I need. He asked me again tonight if I feel its completely over for us, and I told him No.

 

I don’t know.

 

Any thts/advice greatly appreciated….

 

K.

[starr3546]

Hey Kengne~

 

I saw ur follow up posts asking me how things are going with my ex R. and i didn't respond, because frankly i have just been very sick of talking about all of it. But i have decided to move on, and not even contact him. I don't think that we will ever get back together, maybe one day a few years from now, if i am not with someone else that is, but no time soon. I have gone out on a couple dates, nothing to write home about. I think i just need to take this time for myself rightn ow and think about what i want and focus on school. What will come next who knows and for some reason i feel ok about that. I still think about R. and miss him soooo much but there is nothing i can do. I see his friend M. all the time, when i am out with my friends. I talk to him, but we dont' talk about R. He always asks if i have talke to him or if i have called him, i tell him no. Sometimes i wanna call him, but end up not, i just feel if he wanted to talk he would call but then he never does.

I might call him somewhere down the road, but i don't see that happening anytime soon. I might one day stop up at the bar he works at for drinks b4 we go out but that would be the extent of it.

 

AS FOR YOU...DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA

 

I can't believe R. said it was b/c of M.; i mean it just seems strange, if it was such a huge problem y didn't he mention it to you.... that he ws upset about it. I think communication with him is a definite problem. I think both of you need to sort out yourselves and then see where you stand. As for M. a x of 4 years ago, i understand your remaining connection with him. I still talk to my x A. we dated forever, 1st love and everything. I always talk to him about heart ache and stuff, he is the only one who can truly make me feel better. Y that is i have no clue. When R. and i were breaking up, A. was the one who made me see the light, he really made me feel good, and helped me through it all. I still love A. and think that i always will, however the love isn't that as a bf and gf, it is more a love of his person, who he is, what he has meant to me in the past. He has seen me in my worst, and at my best, and for that i love him. He knows me and i always feel comfortable putting myself out there infront of him, even though i am extremely vulnerable and unable to fully think clearly, he stands by me and helps me see things for what they are better than anyone else. So i understand what you feel for M.; sometimes it is confusing to try to understand those feelings, isn't it? But in the end you know that if you loved him still in those ways you guys would be together. R. needs to get over his insecurities about him, and until he can do that and trust you there is nothing you can do.

 

 

Not to mention your incredible screwy past with M. the cheating, the baby, the hard break up. The fact that R. knows that you and M. probably wouln't have broken up if M. wouldn;t have cheated are all factors to the way R. feels.

 

R. knows M. knows he made a mistake and R. knows also that M. wants you back. But he cheated on you, and i think that R. is underestimating the strength within you to stick to decisions; especially those that have to do with M. Keep me posted....

[J dub]

This is exactly why ex's should not be friends until theyre both over eachother and have moved on from the emotional drama. WAAAY too much overanalyzing going on here when you could be focusing on your life...

[Kengne]

This is exactly why ex's should not be friends until theyre both over eachother and have moved on from the emotional drama. WAAAY too much overanalyzing going on here when you could be focusing on your life...

 

I agree... but I'm already in the situation NOW, and there's nothing I can do to change how my ex M feels.

 

But I have decided... for his sake and mine... to do NC. I will not call him, and I know that he most certainly will not call me.

 

Starr - I will address your post later, but right now I am just tired. There are other things going on in my life that require my attn.

 

K.

[regrets]

Kenge-

 

I'm so sorry you are going thru your own turmoil and all the while you try to help everyone else.I was surprised and saddened to find a thread started by you and to read you are experiencing your own heartache. Big hug to you.

 

And-- I also have NO words to offer you as advice. I'm sorry-I don't have enough experience with this to even try.I just wanted to say something to you since you have been there for me trying to help me out with my situation. First and foremost-THANK YOU!!! I mean that.

 

I was floored to find out how old you are-you are incredibly wise beyond your years and I feel like a fool because Im 11 yrs OLDER THAN YOU and don't know jack$hit!!!

 

I will give you credit for this-you are an amazing young woman and after reading as many of your posts as I can (yes I'm cyber stalking you:p ) I must say you are very fair in opinion and give very sound advise! Your common sense is truly admirable.

 

I'm waiting for your book to come out-you should start writing a "Relationship and Break-Up Guide for Dummies" you'd do some serious bank!

 

And to be honest-I just read this thread with a bag of popcorn in my lap!!!

I can't wait to find out what happens next!

 

Just know I'm in your corner with whatever happens and whatever decisions you feel are in your best interest. You will be just fine!!

 

Take care sweetie!

[Kengne]

If I could blush, I would. Lol.

 

Truss me… age ain’t nothing but a number. It’s funny because I see a lot of males on here heartbroken by girls around my age – and everyone keeps on saying “Yup – she’s 21. She’s lost/confused etc…” I’m like WTF? Where are they finding these crackerjack girls? I know what the hell I want.

 

When I was in university (I was 17 when I started) – I never went through that ‘lost’ stage everyone speaks of on here! I stayed with my long-term bf for 4 yrs – all during university!! I did all my ‘exploring’ in high school because after 2 failed high school rel’ships I knew what the hell I wanted.

 

I think my ‘wisdom’ is just common sense & life experience. But as you know – common sense is not all that common.

 

And you know what – I AM going to write a book one day. Maybe I can even get it onto Oprah’s book club!! *smile*

 

As for my situation – the jury is still out. I have not yet contacted R regarding whether or not I am willing to ‘start over’. Right now there is just SOOOOOOO MUCH stuff going on in other areas of my life – that is literally the least of my worries.

 

As for me trying to help others – honestly, I love to give advice …. AND.. posting on here helps me to not worry about my own damn problems. Why? Because no matter how bad I think I have it – someone else always has it worse! There have been threads on here that have literally had my jaw on the ground in sheer & utter amazement. After reading those threads, my problems seem like peanuts in comparison.

 

Well – back to the real world! Hopefully I will reach a decision sooner than later & be updating.

 

K.