Is this a red flag?

[emerald86]

I've been online dating on and off for a little while now, and I met someone a few months ago who seems pretty great so far. We see each other regularly, get along very well, and I'm overall very happy when I'm with him. He's consistent, reliable, and treats me wonderfully.

The only issue is that he talks about his ex quite a bit. On the first date, he asked me about my past relationships and I gave him a general overview of what my past looked like. He then talked about his past, focusing specifically on his most recent relationship which ended one year ago. He talked about how they met and why they broke up. I wasn't too bothered initially because at this point, my feelings for him weren't very strong. After that, he didn't necessarily bring up his ex every single time we met up, but I'd say he brought her up maybe every other date. He would casually mention something like "oh my ex used to do that" and another time he talked about how he didn't remove her from his social media right away and it took time for him to do it, but he finally did and then broke off contact with all of her mutual friends. He also said something about how she was the first person he's ever said "I love you" to. I thought it was nice that he was opening up to me about this stuff, but I also felt like those were a lot of details to be sharing about a past relationship.

Most recently, he went on talking about everything that he likes about me, all the qualities he admires, and that this is the happiest he's ever been while dating someone - then he said that his past relationship wasn't like this at all, that the last few months of the relationship were terrible, and he's glad that he's finally with someone that he sees a real future with. Everything he said was great - until he mentioned his past relationship.

This didn't bother me much in the beginning, but now that I'm developing stronger feelings for him, I'm definitely a little bothered. I have sudden anxieties that this relationship might end because he's not over his ex, and I feel like I'm pulling away because of it. But I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable, and I also don't really know what to do about it. If it's worth having a conversation or if I should just move on? There really are no other issues though - he's a great person and I'd be very happy otherwise.

[Ami1uwant]

How long were they in a relationship? How old are you two?

Past relationships are part of life.  If they had a longer relationship and did a lot together you can’t separate it.  If you talk about things he did and places he went, she probably will come up.  If he has memories of these trips and his ex were in pictures, are you expecting him to get rid of that?

 

if he has a favorite place to go and he brought this ex there…if he brings you there are you going to hold it against him?

In all past relationships anyone has had there were some good qualities and good memories about them.

 

people able to talk openly about past relationships is because they are past them.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

people able to talk openly about past relationships is because they are past them

No, this is definitely not always the case. 

Some people who talk a lot about their past relationships do it precisely because they aren't past them. Their ex is still taking up too much headspace and they haven't really let go, and they're still relating all their thoughts and experiences to them. 

OP, how long ago did they break up? The next time he mentions her, I would say something. 

Edited February 24, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[glows]

I’d remind him gently that he’s in a relationship with you now. If he still doesn’t get it, mention that you’d like to focus more on your relationship together and you don’t need to hear details about his ex. 

He likely will not mention her again as most individuals will understand there is a boundary and mutual respect is shared. Just as you won’t go on about the details of your past life, there are limits to what he may share. 

He seems like a good partner to you aside from this so go easy and let us know how it goes.

Edited February 24, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

Make the relationship about the two of you . Stop talking about the past. Give him a clear and precise talk that he's with you now and if he wants to live in the past, you'll need to end it.

He may just be daft talking about it this much or he's still hung up or just neurotic about it.

Either way it's your job to make the relationship about the two of you and not play therapist unless he's paying you $250/ hr. to listen to drivel about her.

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, this is definitely not always the case. 

Some people who talk a lot about their past relationships do it precisely because they aren't past them. Their ex is still taking up too much headspace and they haven't really let go, and they're still relating all their thoughts and experiences to them. 

OP, how long ago did they break up? The next time he mentions her, I would say something. 

And a broken clock is correct twice a day.

 

people unable to talk about past relationships aren’t over them.

[vla1120]

He won't know it is bothering you unless you tell him. The next time he brings up his ex, just let him know you want to focus on the two of you and hearing about her all the time doesn't make you feel secure about your relationship.

[glows]

A person aversive to saying a word when asked a valid question about the past may raise an eyebrow and seem stiff or odd. 

Otherwise, I don’t think it’s necessary. 

 

[smackie9]

Tell him 3 is a crowd....stop talking about his ex.