I have a tiny support network compared to my ex - will this delay my recovery?

[bjobrien]

Three weeks since the break up, it has surprisingly been the toughest week. Also realised my support network is very small, minimal family check-ins, minimal friend check-ins, therapy is pricey and too irregular. In contrast, my ex has been showered with support gifts from friends and family (seen from her friends Instagram posts, I have now unfollowed all). This definitely makes me feel worst as I'm barely getting any support and having to deal with all of this almost completely alone unlike her. Question:
1) Will this delay my recovery time compared to hers or will this make my recovery more genuine and more strong the fact that I've had to embrace all these emotions instead of using gifts and materialism to mask the pain?
2) In the short term, this will help her, do you think in the long term she may struggle more compared to me, as I doubt she is fully embracing the break-up like I am.

It's been a tough ride so far, I started a new job 1-month ago too which I'm absolutely hating. I'm 29 and thinking of going traveling again. I have savings and would be motivated to find work whilst traveling. I feel that I need a complete change but also worried that this will be deemed as 'running away'. 

[Wiseman2]

It's hard to tell if the depression caused the breakup or the breakup caused the depression.

You ended it because you didn't love her anymore, she wouldn't change enough for you and apparently has held you back from your dreams because she didn't want to go to Asia.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. First rule out physical causes for the inertia, isolation, withdrawal, indecisiveness and persistent sadness.

Stop comparing yourself to your ex. That's not helping. All you can do is come up with a plan to cut out bad habits, learn better coping skills, develop a healthier lifestyle and get more involved in life.

 

[bjobrien]

@Wiseman2 not sure whether your comment is meant to help. Thinking that me being depressed caused the breakup certainly doesn't make me feel good, nor does it make me happy and only adds to my current sadness. From my previous posts you have seen, you can see it is a lot more than that. Due to my ex's lack of vision, adventurous outlook, and willingness to take risks - I started to resent the routine and the luxuries of life and I felt trapped. Too scared to leave the comfort of the relationship yet too scared travel alone due to the fear of loneliness. The breakup has certainly caused the depression as I am going through an identity crisis. I use to enjoy solitude and loneliness, now I hate it. I moved from the city because my ex refused to leave. It made me resent the city and see it as a prison, like I could never leave. I returned to that city yesterday for work and saw it's beauty in a different way because I knew I wasn't trapped there. However, my current location I am not satisfied with either. I need a completely new environment in a new country because the solitude and isolation I will have there will feel no different to the isolation I feel here. 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, bjobrien said:

@Wiseman2. Due to my ex's lack of vision, adventurous outlook, and willingness to take risks - I started to resent the routine and the luxuries of life and I felt trapped. Too scared to leave the comfort of the relationship yet too scared travel alone due to the fear of loneliness. 

Exactly. That's why a work up for your physical and mental health would help.

You felt trapped in the relationship and now you feel trapped in sadness.

At some point you'll need to address this. You can't keep blaming her when you're the one who ended it supposedly because you were held back.

[glows]

Don’t compare yourself to her. Are you still connected via social media or other means? 

To answer your question, I don’t think it will “delay” your recovery. Everyone is different. What will delay healing is making unsound choices that fall into debt, addictions, etc. Keep your focus on you. 

It’s not unusual to still be thinking about your ex but avoid going too far down this path. You did end it because you felt trapped. You are free now so pursue your goals as long as they’re realistic to you. Know that there will be pain and flashbacks and sometimes you’ll feel like crying. All of this is not unusual. Keep on going and accomplish what you need to do. 

Why do you hate your new job? Be careful here so as not to burn bridges with employers. End the employment or seek other employment in the meantime if you need to work. 

If you can’t focus now in your current locale I’d be concerned that you’re unable to focus or care for yourself in a foreign city. In your case, you do seem to be running away from your emotions. Your savings will only carry you so far. Unless you can prove you do have something lined up, a plan in place where to live, how you’re supporting yourself reliably in a new city or country, the idea of being elsewhere is just an escape. 

Start planning if you want to leave and chart something for yourself. If you can’t do that or don’t have the ability or motivation to carve out a new life for yourself in a foreign country, don’t go. Try not to expect this to be handed to you. You have to start working and searching for contacts if you want to earn an income elsewhere. Talk to others who work in your writing field. Interview other writers and seek connections that way, online or with magazines and other publications. 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, bjobrien said:

Due to my ex's lack of vision, adventurous outlook, and willingness to take risks - I started to resent the routine and the luxuries of life and I felt trapped.

Your ex however is doing well. So it's questionable if she "lacked vision, an adventurous outlook and willingness to take risks".

It seems more like she was simply not restless and felt comfortable, content and stable in the life she led. Nothing wrong with that. But it did seem to make you incompatible.

It's fine to want to take off time to travel and roam and be a nomad for a while. Will it solve your problems? Maybe not, but if a change of scene helps you, consider a plan to do it.

[Happy Lemming]

4 hours ago, bjobrien said:

 feel that I need a complete change but also worried that this will be deemed as 'running away'. 

It's not "running away", it is being nomadic or adventurous.  It takes guts to pull up stakes and "roll the dice" in a new place.

I moved every couple of years for about 25 years.  IT WAS GREAT!!  My mother told the rest of the family that I was on a "wanderlust for adventure".  I was her nomadic child.  Apparently, she had an uncle that was the same way... never content staying in one place to long.

4 hours ago, bjobrien said:

 I started a new job 1-month ago too which I'm absolutely hating.

The time to get out of a bad job is now.  You don't have to explain away a month in your resume'.  You can leave that employer off.  I've done that a few times.

4 hours ago, bjobrien said:

 I'm 29 and thinking of going traveling again. I have savings and would be motivated to find work whilst traveling.

This is a GREAT idea (provided there are no Covid-19 restrictions). 

4 hours ago, bjobrien said:

1) Will this delay my recovery time compared to hers

Who cares about her recovery time...  She isn't your problem anymore.  She made need more support because she is more "fragile" than you are.

If you want to feel better, get off the couch, shower up and go out.  Treat yourself to a nice thick steak and a pint of Guinness.  That is always my "go to" post-breakup meal.  Go talk to people, find a diversion. You need some stimulation, something to get your brain off of your breakup.

4 hours ago, bjobrien said:

therapy is pricey and too irregular.

 

4 hours ago, bjobrien said:

It made me resent the city and see it as a prison,

You don't need therapy, you need to move away from a city you don't like.

And yes... I've made some bad decisions when I moved to a new location, so I packed up and tried again.

Start researching work, places to live, etc. and facilitate a plan to MOVE!!

Just my two cents!!

[ShyViolet]

You seriously need to stop comparing yourself to your ex and keeping "tabs" on how your ex is moving on from the breakup.  That is not going to help you in any way.  It's not a competition to see who has a better support system and who is going to recover from the breakup fastest.  The support system or recovery process of your ex is completely irrelevant to you now.  All that matters is that YOU need to give yourself the chance to move on from it.