My Sister Is Coming to Visit Me!

[NuevoYorko]

Mega weird.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Alpaca said:

It's a friend of the man she dated .

Wait. Are you thinking she's inviting this friend to fix him up with you?

That doesn't seem to make sense. It makes more sense that he's in her life in some capacity and she wants him to meet the family.

 You mentioned they're staying at the hotel together rather than her staying with anyone in the family?

It's unclear why you think that she's trying to fix him up with you, when they're together.

[poppyfields]

On 2/24/2022 at 9:56 AM, Alpaca said:

She mentioned a week or so ago that a man who saw my social media profile wanted to meet me, and she asked my mother if I'm okay with him flying in for the weekend with her (it would be an hour flight from where he is to where I am).

@Wiseman2, this does read like the guy wants to make a special trip to meet Alpaca.

However, seeing it another way, your interpretation may be correct too!

And it IS quite bizarre that he, a stranger, would want to put forth so much time, money and effort to meet a woman he's never even spoken with.

As I mentioned previously, why not simply contact Alpaca on SM?  Chat a bit?  Then decide. 

You're right it makes no sense.

 Interesting!

 

 

Edited February 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Wait. Are you thinking she's inviting this friend to fix him up with you?

That doesn't seem to make sense. It makes more sense that he's in her life in some capacity and she wants him to meet the family.

 You mentioned they're staying at the hotel together rather than her staying with anyone in the family?

It's unclear why you think that she's trying to fix him up with you, when they're together.

No, I didn't say that (that they are staying at the same hotel).

She is staying alone in a hotel.

Initially, I thought she was flying here, but she's driving.

He's someone she's trying to set me up with.

At some point, she showed him my social media profile, and he said he wanted to meet me and that he would fly here if I was okay with it.

She contacted me about this a couple of weeks ago.

I initially asked my sister how she was when she told me about him a couple of weeks ago, but she just stopped responding the moment I asked how she was.

Seeing as my sister was now trying to arrange a meeting between me and this guy by going through my mother, I suggested to my mother that she (my sister) speak directly to me about it. 

Doesn't address the question of why someone would fly here to meet someone they've never talked to. Or why would it be at the same time my sister would be here? My sister's reasoning was that it would be fun for all of us to hang out together at the same time.

Anywho, I hope that makes more sense.

Edited February 26, 2022 by Alpaca

[Alpacalia]

On 2/24/2022 at 7:22 PM, glows said:

I think you’re going into this as if you owe your sister or this man something hence why you may be feeling some anxiety or apprehension. From what you’ve described previously about your sister she has been quite estranged from your family and you’ve expressed displeasure about her choices especially where her kids are involved or how she’s left her family while dealing with her divorce.

You both have lost touch so that severs expectations as well you may have of one another. It also means making assumptions about her intentions are a real waste of energy. You don’t know where she’s at at all so why introduce all these negative vibes to your first meet in awhile? It would make me question her proposal to meet him but I know I’d have firmly declined OR agreed to meet out of courtesy but it would have no bearing on level of interest. Interest level is ultra low, non-existent. As a sister I’d like to see her. I wouldn’t let this idea phase me. 

The way I see this is you haven’t seen her in awhile and this is an opportunity to meet with her and catch up. If you find the invitation to meet this person inappropriate just say no. You’re not obligated to please her or him. Please yourself and do what feels good and right to you. You owe neither of them anything. Be firm about your choice or your boundaries and don’t let her get involved with your love life. 

I hope all goes well.

Thank you glows!

I'm really happy to be seeing my sister after so long but I just don't know what to make of this (so a bit anxious).

Maybe she is feeling that way too so maybe that's why she want's this guy to come along.

I don't know. 

Edited February 26, 2022 by Alpaca

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I initially asked my sister how she was when she told me about him a couple of weeks ago, but she just stopped responding the moment I asked how she was.

Alpaca, based on the above quote, I'm wondering now if this is just a big misunderstanding and miscommunication.

I say that because it seems odd she would mention some random guy and then suddenly stop when you probed further. 

Perhaps Wiseman's theory is correct that they are involved and she wasn't ready to discuss their relationship with you yet or at that time.  Which is why she stopped responding when you probed further. 

The way she has communicated all this to you made it appear like she was attempting to fix you up with him when the reality is SHE is the one dating him and they're coming at the same time so he can meet you (her sister), your mom and the rest of your family. 

Your sister checked with your mom to ask if you'd be comfortable with that - her bringing her boyfriend after being estranged from you for so long.

Bottom line is your sister is a very poor communicator, ambiguous and indirect. 

Anyway, just anorher way of seeing this, which seems plausible. 

In any event, again, focus on reconnecting with sis, that's the most important thing. 

Good luck and let us know!  I'm very curious what the final outcome turns out to be.  

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Alpaca, based on the above quote, I'm wondering now if this is just a big misunderstanding and miscommunication.

I say that because it seems odd she would mention some random guy and then suddenly stop when you probed further. 

Perhaps Wiseman's theory is correct that they are involved and she wasn't ready to discuss their relationship with you yet or at that time.  Which is why she stopped responding when you probed further. 

The way she has communicated all this to you made it appear like she was attempting to fix you up with him when the reality is SHE is the one dating him and they're coming at the same time so he can meet you (her sister), your mom and the rest of your family. 

Your sister checked with your mom to ask if you'd be comfortable with that - her bringing her boyfriend after being estranged from you for so long.

Bottom line is your sister is a very poor communicator, ambiguous and indirect. 

Anyway, just anorher way of seeing this, which seems plausible. 

In any event, again, focus on reconnecting with sis, that's the most important thing. 

Good luck and let us know!  I'm very curious what the final outcome turns out to be.  

I think so too.

It's hard because anytime any of us (me or anyone in my family) have tried to communicate with her about how she's doing she just shuts down. So we stopped trying. It's been this way for over a year now.

But then she randomly reached out to me about this guy and that he's such a good guy and all that but when she was telling me this a couple weeks ago I was more interested in how she was doing and that's when she shut down again. Then she started texting my mother about me and this guy and then I got frustrated and told her to stop talking about it with her (my mother).

The thing is, my sister is typically a very direct communicator, she practiced law for most of her life and then went on to open a hugely successful business so she is typically not one to be a poor communicator. That's usually my stick! lol

And, thanks!

Edited February 26, 2022 by Alpaca

[Alpacalia]

I went out to dinner with my sister and my family.

The man that she was trying to set me up with turned out to be legit.

Long story short, my sister no longer seems to be in the right frame of mind. I really feel like I do not know her anymore. She told me so many things and I just started crying at dinner I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Thanks everyone for helping me with this.

I really don't know what to make of all this but it's so terribly upsetting to me that I just can't believe what I am hearing from her. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

The man that she was trying to set me up with turned out to be legit.

Sorry this happened. So who, exactly, is this guy?  What do you mean by "legit"?

He was invited to be set up with you? Or he's what he appears to be on social media?

Clearly whoever she may bring along to meet the family has nothing to do with whether or not you are going to date them. That's up to you, no?

What does the rest of the family think about what's going on with her and what the real reason she dragged him along is?

Unless you're expected to be in an arranged marriage it's still unclear why her dragging him along would have anything to do with who you date.

 

[vla1120]

5 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Long story short, my sister no longer seems to be in the right frame of mind. I really feel like I do not know her anymore. She told me so many things and I just started crying at dinner I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

I'm sorry to hear this, Alpaca. Is there any indication your sister has sought therapy? Would she be open to therapy if suggested? What does your mom think about everything (since she seems open to communicating with your mom.) I wonder if your sister has suffered some type of trauma that she is not addressing. 

5 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I really don't know what to make of all this but it's so terribly upsetting to me that I just can't believe what I am hearing from her. 

Do you have someone YOU can talk to about how this is affecting you? As hard as it is, this is why sometimes we have to distance ourselves from siblings and family members that bring toxicity to our lives (unless they are self-aware and open to reason.) Take care of yourself!

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. So who, exactly, is this guy?  What do you mean by "legit"?

He was invited to be set up with you? Or he's what he appears to be on social media?

Clearly whoever she may bring along to meet the family has nothing to do with whether or not you are going to date them. That's up to you, no?

What does the rest of the family think about what's going on with her and what the real reason she dragged him along is?

Unless you're expected to be in an arranged marriage it's still unclear why her dragging him along would have anything to do with who you date.

 

Thank you. :(

He is someone my sister wants to set me up with.

He is a very close friend of the man my sister is dating. 

I used the term "legit" because at one point, the man I thought she wanted to set me up with might actually be someone she was dating instead. However, he's a friend of the guy she's currently dating.

In any case, he didn't fly out. I mentioned to my sister beforehand that I'd prefer at least to speak to him first if that was okay. He's a teacher, apparently. Hilarious and a really good guy.

What's going on with her does not seem to affect half of my family. 

The extent of my father's knowledge is unknown, but I can't imagine he knows half of it, as it would probably break his heart.

It's like girls gone wild on crack.

Her theme throughout the evening was "oh, you only live once, so I'm going to do x, y, and z."

I just don't feel like I can be around it to such an extent.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

34 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I'm sorry to hear this, Alpaca. Is there any indication your sister has sought therapy? Would she be open to therapy if suggested? What does your mom think about everything (since she seems open to communicating with your mom.) I wonder if your sister has suffered some type of trauma that she is not addressing. 

Do you have someone YOU can talk to about how this is affecting you? As hard as it is, this is why sometimes we have to distance ourselves from siblings and family members that bring toxicity to our lives (unless they are self-aware and open to reason.) Take care of yourself!

Her preferred form of therapy is more 'natural and earthy.'

My mother is deeply upset but I think she's just trying to put on a brave face.

She's going through a divorce (my sister), but a lot of it is a result from some of this other "stuff..."

I agree though with some of your comments...

I think I need to distance myself from it for a bit.

Yes, I reached out to my best female cousin that I'm very close with, so I'll be chatting with her later today.

But I will try my best to take care of myself in the meantime.

Thank you so much!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

He is someone my sister wants to set me up with. It's like girls gone wild on crack.

Does she have drug or mental health problems? Back to this guy, why date someone long distance?

[Alpacalia]

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does she have drug or mental health problems? Back to this guy, why date someone long distance?

👍

Back to this guy, I don't know. My sister and the man she's dating and his friend (the guy she informally introduced me to) asked her if she had a sister when all three of them were hanging out and then she showed him my social media profile, and he was like, "I want to meet her."

It's an hour flight and the flights run pretty much throughout the day. And, my sister is going to be moving to the same city as the guy she's dating and where his friend lives. My sister (before this all happened) has asked me to move closer to her in the past. My initial plan after graduating though was to move back East so it can just be a temporary thing. Not if he's into her type of 'lifestyle' though, then it's a definite NO.

 

 

Edited February 27, 2022 by Alpaca

[glows]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

👍

Back to this guy, I don't know. My sister and the man she's dating and his friend (the guy she informally introduced me to) asked her if she had a sister when all three of them were hanging out and then she showed him my social media profile, and he was like, "I want to meet her."

It's an hour flight and the flights run pretty much throughout the day. And, my sister is going to be moving to the same city as the guy she's dating and where his friend lives. My sister (before this all happened) has asked me to move closer to her in the past. My initial plan after graduating though was to move back East so it can just be a temporary thing. Not if he's into her type of 'lifestyle' though, then it's a definite NO.

 

 

I would not meet with this person and limit the time spent with your sister. Moving east needs to come from your own reasons (ie for work purposes after graduating or a better work opportunity).

The closeness of these ties regarding the man she wants you to meet also means all three of them aren’t thinking objectively or even sensibly. They’re doing it to please one another and not necessarily because they may see you’re a good match in any way. Someone comes up with an idea like this and your sister feels obligated to introduce him to you. 

Edited February 27, 2022 by glows

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, glows said:

The closeness of these ties regarding the man she wants you to meet also means all three of them aren’t thinking objectively or even sensibly. They’re doing it to please one another and not necessarily because they may see you’re a good match in any way. Someone comes up with an idea like this and your sister feels obligated to introduce him to you. 

Agree.

It is the complete opposite of how my sister has always been for most of her life.

I think it's just best if I distance myself from all of this.

It seems an excessive 'party-like lifestyle' and that just doesn't work for me. The man she's dating is a pharmaceutical clinical data manager of some sort. The guy that wanted to meet me is a teacher and does investments of some sort.

Everyone just cuts loose differently I suppose. 

Thank you very much, glows!

[Alpacalia]

Welp, so much for that.

He contacted me earlier, so I'll see what happens.

[serial muse]

All kinds of weird alarm bells - OP, please take care.

If this guy is best friends with the guy your sister is dating, and if your sister is engaging in an unhealthy lifestyle due to (?) her relationship with that guy, then the best friend seems potentially shady too. I also think it's alarming that the reason she contacted you wasn't to get back in touch, but specifically to put you in touch with this man. Because that certainly sounds like someone (her BF?) is putting her up to it, pushing hard for you to be drawn in too. Why else would this person want to fly there to meet you, sight unseen, especially while your sister is driving? What the heck? 

Of course, I have no idea what lifestyle this is - a cult, swinging, drugs - but it sounds like it's something you don't want, whatever it is, and that's all that matters really. So please do be careful. 

[Foxhall]

17 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Long story short, my sister no longer seems to be in the right frame of mind. I really feel like I do not know her anymore. She told me so many things and I just started crying at dinner I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

You may be judging her too quickly,

some of us get disillusioned with being boxed in or prisoners of everyday routines,

her rebellious side is coming through- perhaps it is a phase something along the lines of a mid life crisis,

Personally Im quite close to a cousin, but at times she is overly sensible (lol not saying that about you or anything) but in saying that I always find her a good sounding board or she keeps me in check whenever some of my more unconventional thoughts take hold,

Id say indulge your sister to an extent, be there as that sounding board that she actually is highly likely to need.

 

[Alpacalia]

On 2/27/2022 at 3:59 PM, serial muse said:

All kinds of weird alarm bells - OP, please take care.

If this guy is best friends with the guy your sister is dating, and if your sister is engaging in an unhealthy lifestyle due to (?) her relationship with that guy, then the best friend seems potentially shady too. I also think it's alarming that the reason she contacted you wasn't to get back in touch, but specifically to put you in touch with this man. Because that certainly sounds like someone (her BF?) is putting her up to it, pushing hard for you to be drawn in too. Why else would this person want to fly there to meet you, sight unseen, especially while your sister is driving? What the heck? 

Of course, I have no idea what lifestyle this is - a cult, swinging, drugs - but it sounds like it's something you don't want, whatever it is, and that's all that matters really. So please do be careful. 

No, it's nothing like that (at least according to what I've learned since). Seemingly, the man she's dating has only known her for about 2-3 weeks. For about a year, my sister had been estranged from us. It appears to have spilled over into her children's lives as well. She and the man she's dating aren't serious at all; he appears to want to be, but she doesn't.

She's just going through a phase of experimentation, I suppose...

All I can do is hope that she's happy, healthy, and stays safe.

Regarding the man who wanted to fly to meet me this past weekend, yes, I'm concerned about it.

But I'll be cautious. Thank you so much for your kind words!

On 2/27/2022 at 4:15 PM, Foxhall said:

You may be judging her too quickly,

some of us get disillusioned with being boxed in or prisoners of everyday routines,

her rebellious side is coming through- perhaps it is a phase something along the lines of a mid life crisis,

Personally Im quite close to a cousin, but at times she is overly sensible (lol not saying that about you or anything) but in saying that I always find her a good sounding board or she keeps me in check whenever some of my more unconventional thoughts take hold,

Id say indulge your sister to an extent, be there as that sounding board that she actually is highly likely to need.

 

Thank you, Foxhall.

I get what you're saying.

Things she just wouldn't normally do alongside a complete change in behavior and personality. Not something a sister or even a friend would say, "Oh yes, that's no big deal."  But yes, I'm probably being a bit fussy about it. (lol) It's just hard to stand by and pretend that I can take it lightly. 

Still, it's not something I'll be seeing much of (my sister appears to be traveling for the next six months), but we did talk about meeting up in Mexico for a vacation this summer. So hopefully by then things will chill out a bit.

 

[mark clemson]

Hmm. If your sister is American and going through a yolo/party girl phase, Mexico (at least the touristy parts) isn't likely to bring out her more settled side IMO, more like it will intensify things. That is the tendency I've seen at least. Something to consider if it's already bothering you...

Edited March 1, 2022 by mark clemson

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Hmm. If your sister is American and going through a yolo/party girl phase, Mexico (at least the touristy parts) isn't likely to bring out her more settled side IMO, more like it will intensify things. That is the tendency I've seen at least. Something to consider if it's already bothering you...

Thanks.

I know...

It's not just a 'party phase' it's a bit more than that to say the least.

It's hard because I want to spend time with her and would love to get away when I have some time off but there are things that I just can't be around and I'm not sure how to balance the two without distancing myself from her completely.

[glows]

If you visit her have your own accommodation. Are you talking about visiting her back east?

[Alpacalia]

29 minutes ago, glows said:

If you visit her have your own accommodation. Are you talking about visiting her back east?

She invited me to come visit her in Mexico during the summer (she has property there). But I think it wouldn't be a bad idea for me to stay at a hotel instead if I decide to visit her. Back east is where I want to move back to eventually (that's where I'm originally from).

Edited March 1, 2022 by Alpaca

[glows]

18 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

She invited me to come visit her in Mexico during the summer (she has property there). But I think it wouldn't be a bad idea for me to stay at a hotel instead if I decide to visit her. Back east is where I want to move back to eventually (that's where I'm originally from).

I'd always opt for a hotel or a partial stay at a hotel. You can have your own accommodations and still stay with her a few nights. Just because you have a room or suite somewhere doesn't mean that you can't spend nights over at her place. Having that option to retreat somewhere private or take a break from her would give me a lot of peace of mind.