do You Ever Wish You Could Have a 'Do-Over' with a Parent Who Passed Away?

[poppyfields]

I am really feeling this now, more than ever.  That I could have a “do-over” with my mom who passed away eight years ago.

I have posted this previously but my mom abused me growing up, however as an adult I did forgive her.  She did the best she could with what tools she was provided herself growing up (long story).

But the abuse (mostly emotional, some physical) was so bad while growing up, I still felt underlying resentment and as such, I don’t think I was a very good daughter.  I was very distant and cold, I rarely visited her, including when she got sick with cancer and emphysema. 

I also wasn’t there for her during other medical surgeries when I KNOW she could have used my help.

My mom was very beautiful when younger, she modeled professionally and her looks and appearance were very much of part of who she was her entire life. 

And when she began losing her looks due to her illnesses and became severely depressed, I paid little if any attention to it; even once when she was looking in the mirror and crying (which is causing me to tear up now just thinking about that moment), I disregarded and ignored her feelings.

I was shut down, I just didn’t care, I was HORRIBLE, now that I think back. 

I wish now I would have given her a (((BIG HUG))) and told her “you are still beautiful mom, don’t ever think you’re not”!

But it’s too late now, she’s gone.

That's just one example, there are so many things I wish I could do over, have just one more chance.  

I don’t know why this is all coming up now, she’s been gone eight years.  But I feel so badly about it, I KNOW I need to forgive myself, I just don’t know how.

Church, prayer, more therapy?

Thanks for listening, this may be more of a vent, but if anyone has experienced this, I would love to hear your story and how you resolved your feelings of tremendous guilt, which is what I am feeling now.

Thanks in advance guys.  xo

[Alpacalia]

No one says you have to feel remorse or to mend a broken relationship in your heart and mind when one parent dies.

Especially after she was so unkind to you...

The context in which you feel does not matter. You feel exactly as you do. Things are just as they are.

I find that choosing forgiveness is such a very personal choice and getting there (if at all) is quite different for everyone.

But I've also found that forgiving helps one to feel lighter. Whatever your relationship with the other may be, whether you must forgive them or whether you choose to forgive yourself, you deserve to be freed from anger's heartache.

Do not worry about it. Take whatever steps you need to take in order to move forward in peace and confidence.

[FMW]

My guess is that you did the best you could in dealing with her.  Sometimes we are not able to be selfless and attentive to someone else's situation and needs when we have suffered because of their behavior toward us.  Emotionally distancing or shutting down is an automatic self protection mechanism that's very difficult to override, and most of the time it shouldn't be put aside.  Particularly in a situation where a parent not only doesn't protect a child but actually causes emotional harm, it's understandable that you didn't have much to give her.   

[poppyfields]

Thank you so much Alpaca and FMW, your responses were very kind and helpful. 

What you wrote makes sense, logically, but what I'm realizing now is that even with the abuse, I always loved her.  But I was shut down, so those emotions were suppressed

Now for some reason, they're surfacing and I'm left feeling like I somehow I failed her.  I wasn't there for her at all in the end. 

I am feeling better today, my guilt comes and goes. 

I am not a religious person per se but am a believer in a higher power, so I may reach out to my late dad's priest for guidance.  I've met him a few times when I attended Church services with my dad. 

My dad always encouraged me to do that, his priest got him through many rough times, including when he was at war (he was a U.S Marine), his divorce from my mom, etc. 

Anyway, I realize this was a bit of a heavy topic so thank you again for taking the time to respond.  💛

 

Edited February 26, 2022 by poppyfields