No Contact Day 2, I miss him. When will I feel better?

[ILuvSunshine]

Today is the second day no contact. I told him I can't be in his life anymore. I love him but I have to let him go. I had been texting and talking every day since we met each other over an year ago and went through some rough together. 

I miss him and miss his daily check in messages, but I know it is the best for us not to be in each other's life.  However, the thought of him dating other girls is tearing me up.

When will I feel better? How long does it take so that I will feel indifferent toward him?

[salparadise]

No way for anyone to know. It's different for every person, circumstance and relationship. You say you've been texting and talking every day... was this a virtual romance, or an actual, physical, in-person relationship? If the former I'd give it a few weeks. If the latter, perhaps a year or two. Why did you decide to terminate, if I may ask? That probably has a lot of bearing –– it's usually harder for the dumpee. 

Edited February 26, 2022 by salparadise

[ILuvSunshine]

Salparadise - Thanks for the reply. It is in person. We use to live in the same city but he moved away for a job opportunity . He said he would be back eventually but he wanted to spend some time alone and live in difference places and travel. He wants us to be each other's life but I can't do it anymore. It would be to hard for me to be in his life as friend. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Everyone's timeline is different, but I would expect you'll need a couple months to really start moving past it. 

It's all very fresh given that it's just been 2 days of no contact, so give yourself time to adjust to this new "normal" without him in it. It will feel totally disorienting at first, but I've always found it gets better as you develop a new routine and habits that aren't centred around an ex. 

Stay strong, OP. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, ILuvSunshine said:

 wanted to spend some time alone and live in difference places and travel. 

Sorry this happened. LDRs rarely work out, so don't feel bad. It was over when he moved. Don't stay friends or provide company at your experience.

In fact now you're free from this trap and can get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local single men for a low-key coffee.

Don't date long distance or date restless nomads. They simply won't be there for you in the way you want.

[glows]

15 hours ago, ILuvSunshine said:

Today is the second day no contact. I told him I can't be in his life anymore. I love him but I have to let him go. I had been texting and talking every day since we met each other over an year ago and went through some rough together. 

I miss him and miss his daily check in messages, but I know it is the best for us not to be in each other's life.  However, the thought of him dating other girls is tearing me up.

When will I feel better? How long does it take so that I will feel indifferent toward him?

Personally the fog/sadness usually clears two weeks after I’ve decided to move forward from someone or a situation. Everyone is different. I don’t have that as a timeline. It’s what appears to be the case for me.

It doesn’t sound like you treated each other badly or there were major issues. He moved away to pursue other interests and goals. I’d respect that and yourself and do as you’re doing taking more of a step back. 

Replace the time you would have spent on daily check ins doing something else. Try getting back into your other hobbies and things you’ve always wanted to do. Don’t sit around idly waiting for the sky to clear. It will eventually but why wait? Life is short - be present now and go about all the things you need to do or have always wanted to do. I like being grateful for everything I have also and the people close to me. I think this may also help.

[ILuvSunshine]

8 hours ago, glows said:

Personally the fog/sadness usually clears two weeks after I’ve decided to move forward from someone or a situation. Everyone is different. I don’t have that as a timeline. It’s what appears to be the case for me.

It doesn’t sound like you treated each other badly or there were major issues. He moved away to pursue other interests and goals. I’d respect that and yourself and do as you’re doing taking more of a step back. 

Replace the time you would have spent on daily check ins doing something else. Try getting back into your other hobbies and things you’ve always wanted to do. Don’t sit around idly waiting for the sky to clear. It will eventually but why wait? Life is short - be present now and go about all the things you need to do or have always wanted to do. I like being grateful for everything I have also and the people close to me. I think this may also help.

Thank you so much, Glows. He is a good person, but he couldn't give me what I want -  A  partner.  I tried staying a friend, but gradually adding distance between us. I never initiated any contact, but he would text me almost every day or say things that would give me false hope. When I asked him to clarify, he would back off and apologize for being confusing and that he should wait to say things until he knew more concrete stuff in his life.  

Before he moved away, he got really sick, I was the first person he called. I took care of him. We kind bonded over that experiences, at lease that is how I felt. the Weekend before his departure, he came over. I cooked dinner and we ate together. We didn't talk much that night. He left pretty soon after the dinner. I walked him to his car. He hugged me very tight and then just walked home. The moment I got back home, he texted me and said he cried in his car while me walking back home. He said I always made him feel very special and that he was sorry he couldn't be more. I don't know why I am writing this. It just feel better.

 

[ILuvSunshine]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. LDRs rarely work out, so don't feel bad. It was over when he moved. Don't stay friends or provide company at your experience.

In fact now you're free from this trap and can get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local single men for a low-key coffee.

Don't date long distance or date restless nomads. They simply won't be there for you in the way you want.

Thanks so much. Things are quite completed. He and I are also have significant age differences, so he kinda made that very clearly as well. He told me he would date and marry me but he felt he was no mature enough to be a husband and father of my child. and that he might want to have his own kids so our age difference also make that difficult.

[ILuvSunshine]

17 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Everyone's timeline is different, but I would expect you'll need a couple months to really start moving past it. 

It's all very fresh given that it's just been 2 days of no contact, so give yourself time to adjust to this new "normal" without him in it. It will feel totally disorienting at first, but I've always found it gets better as you develop a new routine and habits that aren't centred around an ex. 

Stay strong, OP. 

Thank you so much. This morning, I was on a weekly support group virtual meeting that he invited me to join a couple of weeks ago. He was on.  shortly after the meeting started I got a text from him " oh you are at the meeting" , a text doesn't really solicit a response from me I guess. I didn't response. I went to gym and worked out. Maybe I should stop attending the support group virtual meeting that he goes every week although it has been giving comfort going to those meetings although it is for people with the issues he has. 

[ILuvSunshine]

Day 3 No Contact. Got a text from him this morning that I feel doesn't necessary solicit a response. I didn't respond. Today seems feel slightly better than yesterday. Tomorrow will be no contact day 4. like the song said, I know I can get there over time, I just wish it is sooner. 

"When the heartache is over
I know, I won't be missing you
Won't look over my shoulder
'Cause I know that I can live without you"

[ILuvSunshine]

14 minutes ago, ILuvSunshine said:

I accidently quoted a wrong response. Can you remove this response?

 

Edited February 26, 2022 by ILuvSunshine
I accidently quoted a wrong response. Can you remove this response?

[ILuvSunshine]

16 minutes ago, ILuvSunshine said:

Thanks so much. Things are quite completed. He and I are also have significant age differences, so he kinda made that very clearly as well. He told me he would date and marry me but he felt he was no mature enough to be a husband and father of my child. and that he might want to have his own kids so our age difference also make that difficult.

I meant to say things are quote complicated between us. 

[glows]

I don’t think attending that support group for his issues is a good idea either. Keep writing if it helps you with not contacting him. He doesn’t seem to be respecting your space.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, ILuvSunshine said:

Maybe I should stop attending the support group virtual meeting that he goes every week although it has been giving comfort going to those meetings although it is for people with the issues he has.

There is no reason to keep attending these meetings, no. It will only prolong your pain and keep you stuck. 

I would search out different groups of people who are in no way connected to him. 

[ILuvSunshine]

Glows and ExpatInItaly, thank you for your response. I think I should stop attending or maybe attending one or two using a different zoom profile that he wouldn't recognize. He invited to me join the group meetings as it is for people with issues he and my ex both have and family and friends of people with the issues.

Today is day 4 of no contact. I wasn't able to sleep in as my kid was hungry and woke me up at 7AM.  I woke up feeling a little depressed. am going to the gym this morning and take my son to library this afternoon. I just need to keep myself busy and no to think about him I guess. 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, ILuvSunshine said:

 He invited to me join the group meetings as it is for people with issues he and my ex both have and family and friends of people with the issues.

Focus on yourself and your child. There's zero reason to attend any virtual meetings for other people's issues.

[glows]

57 minutes ago, ILuvSunshine said:

Glows and ExpatInItaly, thank you for your response. I think I should stop attending or maybe attending one or two using a different zoom profile that he wouldn't recognize. He invited to me join the group meetings as it is for people with issues he and my ex both have and family and friends of people with the issues.

Today is day 4 of no contact. I wasn't able to sleep in as my kid was hungry and woke me up at 7AM.  I woke up feeling a little depressed. am going to the gym this morning and take my son to library this afternoon. I just need to keep myself busy and no to think about him I guess. 

I found the swiftest way to getting over someone is exploring a new world (new interests and hobbies) without that person in it. It’s a mental reprieve and a break.

While you’re surreptitiously and quietly using a different profile so that he doesn’t know you’re there or incognito, you’re not necessarily doing yourself any favours as you still see him, perhaps volunteering his problems or asking for support. Know that if you participate your voice will be recognized also. You’re not fully participating in the support group. How effective is that for your healing or support/needs? 

Be brave and let go. Avoid attending the same groups and scout out new resources. Try new methods and perhaps also consider whether you still need this kind of support. You seem to have dated two men now with the same issues. And you’re drawn to being around this pattern of thinking. Break all that. Move out, break out of this pattern.

Edited February 27, 2022 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, ILuvSunshine said:

maybe attending one or two using a different zoom profile that he wouldn't recognize

Since you are no longer together, why would you continue to join these meetings at all? 

[ILuvSunshine]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Since you are no longer together, why would you continue to join these meetings at all? 

you are right. I should stop going to the meetings from now on.

[ILuvSunshine]

I hate myself now. I gave in and responded to his message today and told him that think it would be best that we give each other some space. He never responded.  I feel so stupid. now I am back square one. I just feel so helpless and hopeless and have no control of the situation. I guess I will just have to pick myself up and reset the NC.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, ILuvSunshine said:

I hate myself now. I gave in and responded to his message today and told him that think it would be best that we give each other some space. He never responded.  I feel so stupid. 

Why do you feel stupid?

You drew a definitive boundary with him. You should pat yourself on the back instead of beating yourself up. 

[glows]

12 hours ago, ILuvSunshine said:

I hate myself now. I gave in and responded to his message today and told him that think it would be best that we give each other some space. He never responded.  I feel so stupid. now I am back square one. I just feel so helpless and hopeless and have no control of the situation. I guess I will just have to pick myself up and reset the NC.

He’s respecting that boundary about space. For your sake don’t reach out again if what you’re doing is to get a response. Be glad that you’ve drawn that boundary and now adhere to it too. Keep focused on your life outside of this. 

[ILuvSunshine]

After the no contact reset, today is day 2 of no contact again. I have decided to start to focus on myself. I have been going to gym every day. Start to explore new career opportunities. Hope every day would be better than the day before. 

[ILuvSunshine]

Day 3 no contact today. Today is not a good day and I feel worse than yesterday. I had to stayed up late and didn't sleep well. Woke up a little depressed and then my kid was sick so couldn't go to school. I am ending up working from home while caring for my kid and helping him with school work.

Had to go out sitting in the car for my session with my therapy. Therapist continues asking me to focus on myself. I am just overwhelmed by the emotions. I haven't heard anything from him for three days, it never happened since he and I met each other. I know no contact is what is best, but I wish he would have reached out especially after what the messages he sent me on Monday. 

[glows]

Can you express your emotions somewhere? Here or in a private journal? Keeping it in never works quite as well. I think you're doing great. Hang in there.