She only texts me when we are arranging to meet.

[AndyLFC26]

I (26M) like this girl (22F) from the local pub I play darts for and she works so I see her a few times a week. In person we speak quite a bit and we’ve been out a couple of times - one time for a meal and one time for drinks. But, when it comes to texting she doesn’t even read my messages (iMessage) for days and when she does respond it’s solely to arrange the time and place we are meeting. She has two jobs, she goes to college twice a week and sometimes I know that she goes out with her friends. I never see her texting people on her phone and when we are out she never uses her phone.

I know that she has a busy life outside of work (the pub where I play darts), but how come she doesn’t want to engage in small talk via text messages?

She sleeps a lot as well because of her general lifestyle, but it doesn’t take that long to send a message to someone!

I’m not a needy person so I would never feel like sending her lots of messages or try to ring her, but in a way it makes me feel slightly unwanted or at least not really a priority. But, on the day we are meeting she’ll send even a couple or a few messages in a row.

Is this normal?

What should I do?

[glows]

She may be different from the other women you’ve dated. Yes, it’s fine.

Some individuals don’t like or won’t engage in small talk because it’s unnecessary. It sounds like not only does she lead a busy lifestyle she also sees you in person regularly. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, AndyLFC26 said:

I know that she has a busy life outside of work (the pub where I play darts), 

You've been on two dates. Are you dating or just hanging out?

Texting is not dating. She seems to busy to waste time on nonsense chitchat.

Try not to text-tether anyone out of boredom or loneliness. It gets annoying.

If you like her, just set up dates.

 

[AndyLFC26]

28 minutes ago, glows said:

She may be different from the other women you’ve dated. Yes, it’s fine.

Some individuals don’t like or won’t engage in small talk because it’s unnecessary. It sounds like not only does she lead a busy lifestyle she also sees you in person regularly. 

My ex never stopped texting me.

I feel like going days without even reading a text message (we use iMessage) is kind of rude and kind of makes me feel distant and a slightly cold feeling about us. But yet when we are person it’s like my heart is racing and I feel happy. 
 

She obviously does use her phone because she goes out with her friends and her two sisters so how can she be in contact with them and yet not get in touch with me unless it’s the day before we are going out just to verify things?

[AndyLFC26]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You've been on two dates. Are you dating or just hanging out?

Texting is not dating. She seems to busy to waste time on nonsense chitchat.

Try not to text-tether anyone out of boredom or loneliness. It gets annoying.

If you like her, just set up dates.

 

I’m not 100% if we have just been hanging out as friends or we have been on a couple of dates.

I built up the courage and asked her out for a dinner and she said “yes” so we exchanged numbers during our dinner break. I enjoyed our time together so I asked her if she fancied going for a few drinks - even though she doesn’t really drink heavily - and she said “yes” and so we went out for a few drinks on a Saturday at dinner time. 
 

I don’t want to put her on the spot and ask her if we are going on dates or just hanging out as friends, but I’m not sure how to approach the situation and find out for certain. What should I do? 

[glows]

3 minutes ago, AndyLFC26 said:

My ex never stopped texting me.

I feel like going days without even reading a text message (we use iMessage) is kind of rude and kind of makes me feel distant and a slightly cold feeling about us. But yet when we are person it’s like my heart is racing and I feel happy. 
 

She obviously does use her phone because she goes out with her friends and her two sisters so how can she be in contact with them and yet not get in touch with me unless it’s the day before we are going out just to verify things?

Is your ex still texting you? This is a problem as you’re comparing your ex to this woman. 

The person you’re seeing now is showing you rather than telling you that you’re not a priority. And that’s also ok because you’ve only just started seeing each other.

I usually call someone if the person starts texting in a conversation unless I can’t get any time to do so or in meetings. 

I think you’re realizing unfortunately that not everyone is like your ex. If this is a real problem for you date someone who matches your texting frequency. I don’t think it’s particularly healthy either if you’re still in regular contact with your ex girlfriend.

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, AndyLFC26 said:

My ex never stopped texting me.

I feel like going days without even reading a text message  is kind of rude.

Sorry to hear that. How long ago did you break up? What was the breakup about? 

This young woman is working, going to school, etc. etc. She is not "being rude". She's not there to babysit a phone.

You've hung out twice. She is not your GF. Don't expect this very busy young woman to jump in and take over where your ex left off. 

She obviously doesn't want to text all the time the way you and your GF were used to.

If you like this woman, just ask her out again, but not hanging around her workplace.

 

[AndyLFC26]

28 minutes ago, glows said:

Is your ex still texting you? This is a problem as you’re comparing your ex to this woman. 

The person you’re seeing now is showing you rather than telling you that you’re not a priority. And that’s also ok because you’ve only just started seeing each other.

I usually call someone if the person starts texting in a conversation unless I can’t get any time to do so or in meetings. 

I think you’re realizing unfortunately that not everyone is like your ex. If this is a real problem for you date someone who matches your texting frequency. I don’t think it’s particularly healthy either if you’re still in regular contact with your ex girlfriend.

I have not been in contact with my ex for years and years. But, I do remember how often she used to text me and at times it used to annoy me because I felt kind of obliged to text her back instantly. 
 

Thus, the way I’m interacting with the girl at the moment is very different.

So if you think she’s showing me that I’m not a priority, what is the point in me trying to chase her or whatever you want to call it by trying to arrange us meeting up, etc?

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, AndyLFC26 said:

 she’s showing me that I’m not a priority, what is the point in me trying to chase her ?

Well after hanging out 2x you certainly are not a priority nor should expect to be.

You're not chasing her. When you text about something worthwhile like meeting up for a date, she responds.

Why do to her what your ex did to you since you know how annoying it is?

 

[AndyLFC26]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. How long ago did you break up? What was the breakup about? 

This young woman is working, going to school, etc. etc. She is not "being rude". She's not there to babysit a phone.

You've hung out twice. She is not your GF. Don't expect this very busy young woman to jump in and take over where your ex left off. 

She obviously doesn't want to text all the time the way you and your GF were used to.

If you like this woman, just ask her out again, but not hanging around her workplace.

 

Years ago. She’s history.

I understand that she has a life outside of work also I’m not the only thing in her life, but it baffles me that she can obviously be in contact with other people to go out and yet I don’t hear from her for days and when I do it’s only before we have arranged to go out i.e. she last sent me a text message telling me to meet her at the bus station at 11.45am and that was it. After we had been out for a few drinks and I was home at say 3pm I never heard from her. 
 

I understand that she’s not my girlfriend, but wouldn’t you feel that only using texting as a form of communication to verify meeting up as being slightly distant? Especially when I know that she’s obviously using her phone to arrange meeting up with other people. I also don’t even want to think that she’s messaging other guys, but I’ll just never know. 

[AndyLFC26]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well after hanging out 2x you certainly are not a priority nor should expect to be.

You're not chasing her. When you text about something worthwhile like meeting up for a date, she responds.

Why do to her what your ex did to you since you know how annoying it is?

 

I’ll be a bit more clearer: I don’t expect us to be messaging each other every day for hours and hours on end. 
 

I don’t expect to be her #1 priority or to come across as needy, but it would be nice to think that she’s thinking about me from time to time. 
 

In person at the pub she will go out of her way to talk to me every chance she gets, so why should it be so different when it comes to texting? I feel like it’s hot and cold. 
 

If I’m not chasing her, what do you want to call it? I’m the one who suggests the meeting up away from her workplace.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, AndyLFC26 said:

 it would be nice to think that she’s thinking about me from time to time.

Ok well she's not thinking about you. 

If it's too frustrating, then just don't ask her out anymore.

Certainly there's more compatible women out there for you, no?

[AndyLFC26]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok well she's not thinking about you. 

If it's too frustrating, then just don't ask her out anymore.

Certainly there's more compatible women out there for you, no?

Does the fact that she isn’t messaging me an indication that she’s not thinking about me? Why do you think she’s not thinking about me?

Or, are you just trying to wind me up by taking what I am saying deliberately out of context?

Edited February 27, 2022 by AndyLFC26

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, AndyLFC26 said:

Does the fact that she isn’t messaging me an indication that she’s not thinking about me?

Who knows what or who she is thinking about?

All you do know is that she doesn't respond to texts except for meeting up.

Of course it's up to you to decide if this is worth your while.

[AndyLFC26]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Who knows what or who she is thinking about?

All you do know is that she doesn't respond to texts except for meeting up.

Of course it's up to you to decide if this is worth your while.

You posted, “Ok well she’s not thinking about you”, why did you post that when you don’t know what she is thinking?

You've just contradicted yourself.

Do you know anyone who rarely uses his/her phone? If I send someone a message then isn’t it common courtesy for that person to reply at some point?

As I’ve stated, in person she initiates talking to me and is really chatty and we can talk for hours and hours.

Edited February 27, 2022 by AndyLFC26

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, AndyLFC26 said:

.Do you know anyone who rarely uses his/her phone? 

Ask your trusted friends and family what they think. Especially people at the bar who know both of you.

[vla1120]

8 minutes ago, AndyLFC26 said:

Does the fact that she isn’t messaging me an indication that she’s not thinking about me? Why do you think she’s not thinking about me?

She is the only one who would have the answer to this. I agree with you that her not texting you back can seem rude, but if she's the type of person who simply does not text unless it is to firm up plans, then maybe she does not mean this to be rude. If you ask her out for drinks and dinner, and she keeps accepting, then clearly she's thinking about you and/or is into you, but maybe she's just not the type to text unless it's necessary. I am a firm believer in open communication. The next time you are having drinks, ask her.

[vla1120]

By the way, my daughter's boyfriend, who lives in my house, NEVER responds to texts and neither does his family. It drives me insane. It is a fact of life that I have come to terms with. If I need an answer from him, I either text "911" with the question, or I call him. Some people just don't feel the same way we do - that not responding to a text is a bit rude.

[glows]

Clarify it with her. No one here can tell you what she feels or thinks. 

It appears she’s interested in meeting you. But she’s not interested in texting. 

I can only add what I would personally do. I call if someone texts me with a question. Frankly I dislike that people think it’s ok to go on and on asking about how my day has been without a decent phone call. It’s quite rude actually, in my opinion. I prefer a phone conversation hearing a voice. Conversely there are plenty of people who dislike calls also and prefer to text. This is very individual to each person but regardless of how a person returns a message I think it’s basic courtesy to respond in some way even if it takes a few hours or awhile. 

Why she’s not responding at all is something you’ll have to find out from her and also figure out whether it’s a dealbreaker as it also means your communication isn’t great.

Edited February 27, 2022 by glows

[Beachead]

@AndyLFC26

Hey OP,

For some perspective,

I'm someone who doesn't like to be glued to my phone, messaging all day.   I prefer to have a phone conversation or meetup in person.  I largely use messaging as a means to just make plans or convey some quick information about something.   The only exception for this is when I speak to family and friends overseas.

Preferred conversational styles can vary amongst people.  She's not your ex.  Don't compare. Treat her as her own person.

Also, when I was working and going to school, I didn't have a lot of time to chitchat.  Just working or just going to school is one thing. Doing both is a completely different animal.  For one, as a student, you will be bombarded by the continuous downpour of assignments, projects, tests and exams and you need the time and energy to study.  That time is severely limited because it's being taken up by work, which also requires you full concentration and full energy.  Commuting between places can suck up a lot of energy as well. When you make room for studying, you're exhausted because your brain has been on at 100% all day, all night.  It never turns off.  So, in the end, you don't have much energy left or may not even be in a fully conscious state to converse with anyone properly, let alone have some time to yourself.

This girl works double jobs, goes to school and still has to satisfy all her OTHER social obligations so it sounds like this is what she's going through.  Expecting her to regularly chitchat with you, might be a lot to ask for in this case.  It sounds like you need more which is okay, but given what you've described about her, it doesn't sound like she's able to give that.  This is the best she can do.  I would try to direct my focus on the fact that despite her schedule, you two have great conversations in person and she doesn't pass up an opportunity to hang with you.   As little as that might feel to you, it might take a lot more effort to even give that, given her situation vs someone not having much going on in their life, but still not really texting you.

But, if it continues bothering you, you can speak to her on it or perhaps you may need to find someone who does have a style that agrees with you.

- Beach

 

Edited February 27, 2022 by Beachead

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, Beachead said:

 

I'm someone who doesn't like to be glued to my phone, messaging all day. She's not your ex.  Don't compare. Treat her as her own person.

Also, when I was working and going to school, I didn't have a lot of time to chitchat. 

Agree. It's great there's a pushback lately from people being addicted to their phones, especially for nonsense chitchat. There are more important things to do in life, such as getting good grades and earning money.

So if you you feel she is incompatible on this level, just step back. Someone who texts too much eventually gets put on mute, it's that simple.

[AndyLFC26]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

By the way, my daughter's boyfriend, who lives in my house, NEVER responds to texts and neither does his family. It drives me insane. It is a fact of life that I have come to terms with. If I need an answer from him, I either text "911" with the question, or I call him. Some people just don't feel the same way we do - that not responding to a text is a bit rude.

Does your daughter’s boyfriend go out often with his friends?

Has your daughter ever mentioned it to him?

[AndyLFC26]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Clarify it with her. No one here can tell you what she feels or thinks. 

It appears she’s interested in meeting you. But she’s not interested in texting. 

I can only add what I would personally do. I call if someone texts me with a question. Frankly I dislike that people think it’s ok to go on and on asking about how my day has been without a decent phone call. It’s quite rude actually, in my opinion. I prefer a phone conversation hearing a voice. Conversely there are plenty of people who dislike calls also and prefer to text. This is very individual to each person but regardless of how a person returns a message I think it’s basic courtesy to respond in some way even if it takes a few hours or awhile. 

Why she’s not responding at all is something you’ll have to find out from her and also figure out whether it’s a dealbreaker as it also means your communication isn’t great.

Well that’s the thing that is bothering me. It almost feels like the hot and cold feeling. Is it really possible for one to be so chatty in person but to only use his/her phone to clarify meeting up with people unless there’s a specific reason to get in touch with someone? I’ve never tried to call her, but I do wonder if she would pick up.

[AndyLFC26]

46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. It's great there's a pushback lately from people being addicted to their phones, especially for nonsense chitchat. There are more important things to do in life, such as getting good grades and earning money.

So if you you feel she is incompatible on this level, just step back. Someone who texts too much eventually gets put on mute, it's that simple.

According to you it means that she’s not thinking about me…

[AndyLFC26]

1 hour ago, Beachead said:

@AndyLFC26

Hey OP,

For some perspective,

I'm someone who doesn't like to be glued to my phone, messaging all day.   I prefer to have a phone conversation or meetup in person.  I largely use messaging as a means to just make plans or convey some quick information about something.   The only exception for this is when I speak to family and friends overseas.

Preferred conversational styles can vary amongst people.  She's not your ex.  Don't compare. Treat her as her own person.

Also, when I was working and going to school, I didn't have a lot of time to chitchat.  Just working or just going to school is one thing. Doing both is a completely different animal.  For one, as a student, you will be bombarded by the continuous downpour of assignments, projects, tests and exams and you need the time and energy to study.  That time is severely limited because it's being taken up by work, which also requires you full concentration and full energy.  Commuting between places can suck up a lot of energy as well. When you make room for studying, you're exhausted because your brain has been on at 100% all day, all night.  It never turns off.  So, in the end, you don't have much energy left or may not even be in a fully conscious state to converse with anyone properly, let alone have some time to yourself.

This girl works double jobs, goes to school and still has to satisfy all her OTHER social obligations so it sounds like this is what she's going through.  Expecting her to regularly chitchat with you, might be a lot to ask for in this case.  It sounds like you need more which is okay, but given what you've described about her, it doesn't sound like she's able to give that.  This is the best she can do.  I would try to direct my focus on the fact that despite her schedule, you two have great conversations in person and she doesn't pass up an opportunity to hang with you.   As little as that might feel to you, it might take a lot more effort to even give that, given her situation vs someone not having much going on in their life, but still not really texting you.

But, if it continues bothering you, you can speak to her on it or perhaps you may need to find someone who does have a style that agrees with you.

- Beach

 

Hi Beach,

I also prefer to talk to people in real life rather than to use my phone. So I certainly don’t really want more communication using our phones as in to be texting each other pointless crap, but I have not experienced being blanked (is that the right word?) for a few days at a time and/or to only arrange meeting up somewhere. 
 

Also, given her age, I would assume that she would be more prone to preferring to using her phone. However, saying that, she has told me that she prefers traditional things. 
 

Our work schedules and overall life commitments are quite different. I work permanent day shift and after I finish work at 2pm then I can do whatever I want. So I do understand that her life is different in that sense. 
 

I would be content with just using our phones to clarify meeting up, but I don’t want to ask her how often she wants us to communicate via text messages because I don’t want to appear desperate or needy. I also like to do my own things so I don’t want to be pestered all of the time. 
 

She definitely gets tired because I’ve seen her looking shattered at the pub plenty of times. 
 

How can I even be sure that we are going on dates? My understanding was that generally speaking you hung out with several people and one to one things tend to be forms of dating. 
 

I am going to the pub tonight and she will  be there working until 10pm. What should I say?