Barryccd Posted February 27, 2022 Share Posted February 27, 2022 Hi, is this normal? The Mother of my new born baby still doesn’t want us to live together? Know she likes her own space but still….what do? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 27, 2022 Share Posted February 27, 2022 2 hours ago, Barryccd said: The Mother of my new born baby still doesn’t want us to live together? Know she likes her own space but still….what do? How long have you been dating? Do both of you work? Do either of you still live with parents? Are either of you dating others now? If you wish to live as a family get engaged and get a place together . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barryccd Posted February 27, 2022 Author Share Posted February 27, 2022 Been together about 3 years. We both work. She is on maternity at the minute. I live my own place and she does, she already has a 11 year old. we talked about moving in yet she won’t as she likes her own space to much, even got to the stage of moving in and lasted a week till she said about space and for me to basically go etc. now have a new born but things haven’t changed and won’t commit in that way. I of course want to be there for my baby every night and be her dad but she is not bothered. Yet okay for me to stay 1-3 nights a week and do “family” things together also. Just seems a strange situation and wanted to know what people thought. I should do or what is up Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 27, 2022 Share Posted February 27, 2022 7 minutes ago, Barryccd said: I of course want to be there for my baby every night and be her dad but she is not bothered. Yet okay for me to stay 1-3 nights a week and do “family” things together also. Just seems a strange situation and wanted to know what people thought. It's unusual but not of unheard of. Try to make it the best of both worlds. There's even a term coined for this: Couples living apart together (LAT) have an intimate relationship but live at separate addresses: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Living_apart_together 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 27, 2022 Share Posted February 27, 2022 Are you sure the child is yours? It seems unconventional but this is between you and her. Why do you think she wants space? What was her previous relationship or marriage like? You’re employed. Do you live alone? Do you have a criminal record, do any drugs or smoke or have any addictions? Do you drink or party with your friends a lot? What were her reasons for needing the space? Just because you have a baby together doesn’t mean she may want to live with you or progress the relationship. It’s a valid take but would cause anyone to wonder whether you’re on the same page. Does she want to get married or remarry one day? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 27, 2022 Share Posted February 27, 2022 My guess is that she's not ready/doesn't want a long term commitment with you. Was the baby planned? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barryccd Posted February 27, 2022 Author Share Posted February 27, 2022 Yeah the child is definitely mine. She has never lived with anyone all her adult life for like 15 years. Never been married etc been in relationships of 2/3 years but never got to the moving in stage . yeah I live alone. Don’t do drink/party as I’m in my mid 30’s, work full time make decent money. reason for space is that she doesn’t like being under one and each other feet, I don’t do anything, thats literally it and gets scared etc. has happened few times tbf after us staying together for a number of consecutive days, each time, 1 week later she slowly becomes normal again and happy with us again. that’s the problem now with a baby, I want to be decent father and be there. But unfortunately her mind set hasn’t changed towards what a family home. Yes I could give her the space she requires by going out more go to the gym/friends. But will it forever happen no matter what as it feels like it may Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 27, 2022 Share Posted February 27, 2022 You’ll just have to decide whether this is your idea of happiness. You can still be a loving and dedicated father to your child and find someone else to enjoy a traditional home life with (just not with this person). Speak with her about it one last time as you both seem to be going back and forth on this a number of times already. Don’t place your life on hold for someone who doesn’t want the same things you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barryccd Posted February 27, 2022 Author Share Posted February 27, 2022 Yeah Baby was planned brought up by her and there was discussions of wanting a family home and stable environment for the baby too. Just seems very strange to want it then not be able to commit to it. I’d love to believe there is some underlining issue that makes her push me away I don’t know about. this is not my happiness as I see a baby/family as should be together as one. thank you for your comments appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 27, 2022 Share Posted February 27, 2022 She sounds like she has issues she needs to work out but it’s dishonest and unkind to keep stringing you along like this or telling you one thing, doing another. I don’t think she’s being as forthcoming with you. I wouldn’t rush this either and take a deep breath. Her actions vs her words would make me pause and rethink whether I can rely on someone like this. Step back and figure out if this relationship is for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barryccd Posted February 27, 2022 Author Share Posted February 27, 2022 I think she has issues. But doesn’t mean she needs to put them inbetween me and my child like this as you’d expect it is amplified 1000x with a new born baby, wanting to bond and be there but doesn’t seem to realise the effect it has. I agree to take a step back but each day goes by I’m missing what’s as important as a “us” but the baby too. How long do I wait and see would be the question. Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 (edited) 4 hours ago, Barryccd said: I live my own place and she does, she already has a 11 year old. What is your relationship like with her other child? You only talk on here about your baby. But she has two kids to take care. Perhaps she needs to consider her other child needs before making any life altering decisions like moving in with another man. Just curious, but how do you think it going to affect her 11 year old is she decides to move in with you? Do you think this something that she thinks is worthwhile to uproot her child and move him in with you? Or to have you to move in with them and to change his daily routine? Are you prepared to step up in every possible way and be a full time step-father to her other child? 4 hours ago, Barryccd said: I want to be decent father and be there I am not seeing anything on here that she preventing you access to your bio child. You can be there for your newborn with or without her in your life. Did you two ever discussed what a parenting would be like after a child is born? How come you didn't you move in together when she got pregnant? That would be a most logical thing to do, unless she doesn't want to her other child to be affected negatively. How much were you there for her pregnancy? And to be perfectly honest, you guys are not married. You are just dating, even after creating a child together. If giving birth to your child didn't propel you to put a ring on her finger, don't know what else would. Seriously, being a GF or a BF means nothing. It is a very low level of a commitment, which can end at any time with or without any warning. Perhaps she sees no reason to move in with anybody who is not ready to commit to her and her two children in every possible way. 3 hours ago, Barryccd said: Yeah Baby was planned brought up by her and there was discussions of wanting a family home and stable environment for the baby too. Why were you just taking about it without making an actual step by step plan about how to move in together and becoming a blended family? Now much can you actually talk about it, you either do it or not. Not saying this is all your fault but you need to be a bit more proactive maybe. Edited February 28, 2022 by Alvi Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 One more thing. Go see a lawyer about your rights as a father to this child. Maybe make some legal arrangement that suits you both with your GF. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 It sounds like she wanted the baby more than the relationship, OP. What you see is what you get. I think it's unlikely that if even after having a baby she still doesn't want to live with you, that she ever will. You two are going to need some sort of legal arrangement so that in the event of a break-up, you will have formal custody plan. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 17 hours ago, Barryccd said: I think she has issues. Do some research on "attachment styles" (as they pertain to adults). From what you write, I suspect there is an attachment style issue of some kind with her. Keep in mind not to jump to super-negative conclusions as there are gradations of e.g. avoidant attachment and these things can be much more of a problem in some people than in others. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 23 hours ago, Barryccd said: Been together about 3 years. We both work. She is on maternity at the minute. I live my own place and she does, she already has a 11 year old. Does the father of the older child have a visitation/custody schedule/arrangement or pay child support? It's a tough call because she is not stopping/barring you from visitation/custody nor asking for child support. Unfortunately when someone says "under foot" it means her place is too small and she sees you as being in the way rather than participating in family life/helping her.. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 1, 2022 Share Posted March 1, 2022 My question is not as much - why doesn’t she want to live with you after having your child? As it is - why did you have a child with a woman who wouldn’t commit to living with you/raising your child together as a family? Hindsight is 20/20, but I think if she doesn’t want to bring this together after having a child with you, she never will. I am all for relationships where both partners want to “live apart together” but how is this going to work - she gets full custody and you see your child a few days a week? That doesn’t seem fair to you or the child in any way. That said, good luck trying to change this - Link to post Share on other sites
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