Lost in life

[AJ D]

Hey everyone out there. Hope everyone is doing well. I never thought I would be posting on a forum like this but I am not doing that great with a recent breakup. I have been single for 10 years prior to this situation.

I’ve been involved with a girl for two years. We “met” on a dating app February 2020 right before covid hit. We kept it cool and friendly to start. Then we kept talking more and learned more about each other. Around December 2020 I knew i started feeling more behind this friendship and by February of 2021 I expressed my love to her.

She felt the same and we pursued a relationship together. We would speak every day from the minute i woke up to the minute she fell asleep. Anywhere from 3 hours to even 16 hour phone conversations. In June of 2021 we were finally able to meet and things were just so magical. I was able to spend 3 weeks with her and her children and it was just such a perfect time.

When i got back home it was hard. Obviously we had to continue our relationship on WhatsApp and things just got hard. We started getting into arguments and bickers and there were even times where i said i didn’t know if i wanted to be with her or broke up with her because i am someone who needs space during an argument and my first move is to run when i don’t get it. I understand that isn’t the way to handle anything.

December 2021 i went over again. We were a little rocky but things were ok to begin. We had several fights again. I broke up with her again and tired to fix it the same day.

When we fight it’s something that scares me a lot. My whole life was me fighting with my father and i try to be non confrontational at 31 now. It got bad one night and i left for the airport. She ran to the airport after me and pleaded for me to stay. I was so checked out i still got on a plane and left. I have not regretted anything more in my entire life.

When i got home we tried to repair things but of course things were still hot and fresh and not settled. There were arguments and yet again i broke up with her. She has always been the one to fight for us. After thinking about everything and thinking about how i handle things i realize that i do not handle much very well. I have been trying to rekindle something but she doesn’t believe me with anything i say.

The other night we spoke about what we want in our lives. She wants a relationship that isn’t based on someone’s timeline. She wants a relationship where she can see the person more than a couple of times a year for a month at a time. She lives in Scotland and i live in New Jersey. She has 3 kids (13, 9 and 3). I’m still in college graduating with my degree next May.

We’ve spoken about getting married in the past but it doesn’t seem like that is a reality anymore. When we were on good terms and not arguing  said she would move here because the qualifications for me to live there and the visa process in the UK is much harder than the USA. She told me the only way it would work between us is if i moved there. Her two oldest daughters don’t really like me anymore and she said she doesn’t want to wait till she’s old to have a life.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose her and i don’t want to say goodbye but at the same time i know right now i can’t give her what she wants. I want to be able to but i don’t know how i can or if she would even want me to try. 

I’m sorry for this long post but if there is anyone out there for some advice please share it. Thank you everyone. 

Edited February 27, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Wall of text

[glows]

It seems like a very painful situation to be stuck in. What gave either of you the idea that chatting with someone overseas was a good way to begin a friendship or romance? I’d say be more honest with yourself and kind too. This is not working and very unkind and unrealistic to place these kinds of demands on one another relocating or moving. Do you have kids? 

Ultimatums and threats to end a relationship, on/off and heated arguments, not enough solutions and prolonging this are all part of why it’s just not working. You’re drawn in with your heart and hurt but I hope you can also see how your involvement created this mess too. 

LDRs work when there’s some plan to eventually come together and the individuals involved are both realistic about the options. It’s disrespectful to pursue this knowing her family (her kids) disagree or dislike you. Put this behind you and meet local women. Reduce your stress and live your life well. 

Edited February 27, 2022 by glows

[AJ D]

@glowsthank you for your advice. We are still messaging and talking. Granted it’s not the same but it wasn’t always fighting. My mom says I’m looking through everything with rose colored lenses but it’s hard to know and feel that things can’t be repaired. Is it stupid to consider moving there one day? If there’s a way to repair the relationships with her kids is it worth it? I don’t have kids myself which is why we have different lives. 

[glows]

3 minutes ago, AJ D said:

@glowsthank you for your advice. We are still messaging and talking. Granted it’s not the same but it wasn’t always fighting. My mom says I’m looking through everything with rose colored lenses but it’s hard to know and feel that things can’t be repaired. Is it stupid to consider moving there one day? If there’s a way to repair the relationships with her kids is it worth it? I don’t have kids myself which is why we have different lives. 

You both need solutions to being a couple in person. She already told you what she needs: 

“The other night we spoke about what we want in our lives. She wants a relationship that isn’t based on someone’s timeline. She wants a relationship where she can see the person more than a couple of times a year for a month at a time. She lives in Scotland and i live in New Jersey. She has 3 kids (13, 9 and 3). I’m still in college graduating with my degree next May. ”

You can opt to stay in contact with one another but be prepared to see her date and be involved with other partners. You’re putting your life on hold for someone who wants more than what you both share currently. There’s also no guarantee that this will work even if you do move to Scotland. I would be concerned for you if I were your mother as you seem preoccupied with this a great deal, possibly even heavily influencing your education and career with the potential to really screw up your life. I’m being quite blunt.

May I ask what are your ages? Are you a full time student or part time, and employed? What’s your degree in or what are your plans after school? Are you living with your parents? It’s challenging staying focused when you have time and a student. Do it though and ask those harder questions of yourself about your future.

[AJ D]

@glowsno i greatly appreciate the bluntness. I love the honesty and feel like an outside perspective is what i have been needing too. I understand the risk factors. We still are talking. Like i said not the same but also not entirely ended communication. We are both 31 years old. I’m part time now because i start student teaching in September. I work as a substitute teacher but looking for a job where i can earn more money to be able to see her more often and be able to try to make this work some how. I plan on teaching elementary aged students. I live with my mom currently until i graduate college. I have been handling school and the relationship well before. I’m an A student and committed to school and her. She understands that and we worked around it before. 

[glows]

Then I’d research everything about Visas and moving to Scotland to pursue a teaching position. I suggest you do so on your own terms and rent a flat or space of your own, be completely self-sufficient and don’t move in with her just because she invites you to. As with all moves, do it for your own reasons and should the personal aspect of it fall through you still have a roof over your head and a stable job to continue life there and experience living in the new area. 

I would not stay in contact though with someone on the fence or lukewarm about me. I think your priorities are all upside down. Move to Scotland to teach , not for her. If your paths cross that’s fine. If not you’ll be building on your resume. 

Should this not work out moving to Scotland I don’t think it’s realistic to expect a mother of three to move to the US. Is she separated or divorced or ? Where is the father? 

[AJ D]

@glowsYeah i have been doing the research right now regardless of what happens if it’s something we eventually repair. And i understand i can’t ever expect her to move with 3 kids like that. I wish it was something we discussed more in depth before. I guess we were living more in a fantasy world for it to even be as smooth as we originally pictured it. They are not involved. It’s 3 different guys which is something my mom says to me that they didn’t stay for a reason. I don’t feel that way because i don’t judge her for it. It’s something i respect and just want to be that one to make her happy. I’m being sappy I’m sorry. 

[glows]

I strongly suggest keeping it light and the contact limited. You’re placing a great deal of stress and pressure on yourself just to make this work with someone you’ve only met twice. 

Since she needs more in a relationship, again, be prepared that she dates others. You’ll learn eventually that it is your job to judge. It doesn’t mean being unkind or crude to someone but you may want to shift your thinking a bit and be a little more critical about the people you meet. Know when to step back and let go.  

[AJ D]

@glowsi understand and i greatly appreciate your advice. I’m going to see how things go and i feel like whatever is bound to happen will happen. I just know if it doesn’t I’ll have a hard time coping. I just don’t know how to consistently distract myself you know?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, AJ D said:

It got bad one night and i left for the airport. She ran to the airport after me and pleaded for me to stay. I was so checked out i still got on a plane and left.

Sorry this happened. Sounds very volatile and conflicted. Not to mention an unrealistic distance. You can still talk as friends, but focus on your education and work. 

[AJ D]

@Wiseman2when we argue it is/was. There were so many great memories of course. I just want there to be more. I understand the distance is something that isn’t ideal but it worked before and i would want it to be something that still can. However, i understand it doesn’t always work that way and there needs to/can be compromising, i hope. I’ve been focusing on my education and job because i need it not only for myself but wanted to be able to have her come here. But that’s not the case and if it were to work long term i would have to move there. I haven’t fully thought about that yet as it is something fresh but something i may consider. 

[SingFish]

1 hour ago, AJ D said:

I’m still in college graduating with my degree next May.

This is your priority then you can think about moving to Scotland later? You are not lost in life, just mixed up with this romance's intensity. 

Stay calm, you will be okay- things will work out or you will get over it. 

[AJ D]

@SingFishit is my priority, but at the same time i want her to be my priority too. She has been for the past year and even though i haven’t been able to see her as much as i would like to i still want to be there as much as i can. I’m trying to be calm. I’m a seesaw of emotions. One minute I’m ok the next I’m a wreck. It’s fresh and it’s new but i felt like if it didn’t hurt so bad was i really in love? 

[chillii]

l'm amazed it's not mentioned.  But you haven't has a relationship 10 yrs, so even when you did, you were very young. Your use to being alone acting any way, walking away from anything , anytime you want and doing what you want that's all very very obvious. Bc you never stick around to work through anything you just take of, or dump it or run or break up with her again. Anyone that's left something that often in just a few yrs has emotional maturity problems bc your not standing,staying, and working through things, that's what you've gotta do if you really want the relationship, that's maturity. Or you except this is not for you and depart properly once and for all especially with children involved. Jezuz they don't need some manchild that just runs when it gets tough or seeing their mum go through this. They need to see and feel stability, either in, or out, she's already made enough of a mess for them. So that's one very big and obvious part of your thing and a problem you have. No way you could handle 3kids if that's how you handle the relationship bc believe me 3 kids are about 10 times harder than your relationship with her.

But all the fights, why, what are they over , why do they keep happening ? That's the relationship and the two of you . Most people don't fight that much, and anything lasting def' doesn't break up that much. Sounds like your just plain incompatible tbh. But then we don't know how it all starts or whether the relationship itself, her situation, yours, pressure of it all like this or what's messing it up , or if it's just about you two at the core, All things you need to talk to yourself about and work out, as well as could you handle whatever moves and everything involved later on top of it.

Edited February 27, 2022 by chillii

[SingFish]

57 minutes ago, AJ D said:

i felt like if it didn’t hurt so bad was i really in love? 

Only you can decide that, but I tend to think the opposite- if things are too hard they aren't meant to be. 

I hope you finish your education before you take on a family though. That's important for your life whatever happens.

[Foxhall]

Is it not easier for you to find a single lady with no children, that you can build a new life with,

Do you really want the baggage of three kids, and will that diminish your chances of having your own kids?

maybe at 40 plus it would be ok scenario,

but at 31, Id be holding out/moving on for a more attractive option 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think this one is over, OP. 

There is way too much drama and you have to learn to better cope with your anger. Repeated break-ups and fleeing to the airport when you don't get your way is toxic and so damaging to a relationship. She will never trust you not to ditch her when conflict arise, and she won't forget the hurt you caused. And all of this when you two have barely spent any time together in person.

The romantic fantasy was fun for a while but you can see that in reality, it doesn't work. You two aren't a match and she's pulling away. It sounds as though reality has set in for her too and she is fading out. I would forget researching visas and relocation, since you and she are not on the same page anymore and the damage of repeated fights and break-ups is done. Moving closer to her now is not going to fix it. 

Take this as a learning experience, and try to be better and more realisitic in your next relationship. 

[Sun Seeker]

You two are clearly not compatible, the only thing you should be doing is ending it for good. Not just for your sake but for hers too.

Not sure why you are going for a single mum with 3 kids who lives on the other side of the ocean, couldn't think of anything worse. Find someone with less baggage.

[mark clemson]

I have read that these high-intensity, high-drama type relationships have a tendency to burn out, unfortunately as the strong emotional "energy" tends to work both ways (attracting AND pulling apart). That certainly seemed to be the case for you.

It sounds like you're at a point where you can get women interested in you again, and past your 10 year dry spell. Hopefully that is so and you can find someone else.

Every couple has their own "chemistry" and I suspect that for better or worse you will want to seek for a more stable relationship for the long term.