Are friendly break-ups rare? What do they mean?

[bjobrien]

I spoke with my ex on the phone today after 3-weeks of no contact, just to discuss where to post belongings to, to thank one another and to wish each other good luck for the future. We have a lot of respect for each other after 4.5 years. It's my first ever serious relationship that has ended calmly and amicably. Are break-ups like this rare? I feel lucky because bad and messy break-ups are even more painful. I'm also hopeful because It makes me feel like I've grown up and won't bring any drama/baggage into my next relationship. You've probably seen from my previous posts that my head has been all over the place the last 3-weeks and I hope by breaking the no contact today, this doesn't put me back to square one. It felt like a signing-off call, the final call to discuss the finishing touches to the break-up. There was no grovelling or pleading or asking to be taken back etc, it felt nice to say our final thank yous and goodbyes. 

Thanks for all the comments and responses on my previous posts - I've been really impressed with the advice and feedback on the forum so far. Thanks everyone!

[basil67]

I'm so glad that you have had a clean ending. 

Amicable breakups aren't uncommon, it's just that we hear more about the acrimonious ones.   What they mean is that both parties are mature enough to not bicker over belongings, not go casting blame and picking at old scabs.   This reflects well on both of you.

[Lotsgoingon]

You know, lots of breakups can be civil. And civil is great. But civil does not mean less painful, less devastating.

Half the time in civil breakups, one of the partners if faking like everything is OK. It's a great way to shore up your ego: I'm OK. good luck to you. 

So yes, lots of breakups can be mature and respectful. Doesn't mean they're any less painful and brutal. One of the most painful breakups of my life was incredibly civil. This ex actually gave me some of the most helpful tips about myself I've ever received (she was very positive, but I just wasn't her cup of tea). I thought I was making a smooth transition after she dumped me.

Turns out the pain was just hiding. It eventually came out. The agony came out. So yes, if you can avoid pettiness and cruelty when separating, wonderful. Doesn't mean much though. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, bjobrien said:

Are break-ups like this rare?

Not in my experience, no. 

I have actually only ever had one break-up that ended badly, and it was because the man in question was quite unstable. The others, which we longer-term and more serious, all ended peacefully. That's not to say that they weren't sad or without difficult moments - there were plenty of those. But we were always able to be civil and amicable as we dealt with the logistics and emotions of ending things. 

Calm endings make for a smoother transition in your next chapter, I find. Hanging on to the bittness and resentment of an ugly break-up can delay healing, so you're in a good position to deal with this new phase of your life. 

[ShyViolet]

No, I don't think amicable breakups are rare.  I've had several amicable breakups where things ended calmly and we stayed friends for a while afterwards, talking from time to time.  It's a sign of maturity.  Of course it's not for everyone and not possible with all breakups, and with many breakups it would be  a horrible idea to remain friends.  Every situation is unique.

[robaday]

I think the shorter term the friendlier in my experience. The long term ones I have needed a lot of time away and I am friends with all my exes (apart from one) but it took at least six years post breakup for that to happen.

 

I think breakups normally go ok. They only turn bad when you keep in touch and one or both of you wants more than the other. Clean break and then you can reconnect as friends. Stay in touch and in my experience things get really toxic if there are real feelings involved.