I just found out that I'm in love with someone else's husband.

[Greener world]

We met each other in law school from the age of 18, and now we are in our 20s. He never tells anybody that he is married, and he always acts like he is single all the time. I've always had the feeling that he is hiding something, and I found out that he was married by the end of last year. I tried to move on right after I found out that he was a married man as I kept blaming myself and felt terrible for his wife. But the problem is he kept calling me, and I didn't dare to block him as it would make things awkward as we are still classmates and we are in the same assignment groups, so I think blocking him will only spoil the atmosphere in the group. He always looks so stressed and says that his parents are very controlling. He even lost so much weight and became so much thinner than he usually does. Even though he has been telling and acting like he is under a lot of stress, I still act like I don't care and ignore him. But only God knows how much I am still concerned and worried about him. I've never fallen in love in my life, and I think he is my first love. Unfortunately, I have to let him go. I love him so much until I don't have any tears for him anymore, and I feel numb with all the feelings. I've told my family about him, and they told me to forget him no matter what it takes. But nobody ever really understands the way I feel and act like I can forget all my feelings towards him in the blink of an eye. I've been under so much stress lately as I need to forget him. At the same time, I still need to complete all of the assignments with him. I even told my family that I would like to drop out of school and further my study elsewhere, and they all supported me to do so as long as I could forget him.

I was still in a dilemma. I wanted to leave him, but I still loved him and seeing him made me happy, so I decided to stay and love him from afar. Surprisingly, after submitting all the assignments, I heard that he had dropped out of school. Once again, he didn't tell anybody about it, and he broke my heart again. Now I am deeply hurt by him. The next day he called me using another phone number, and that was his last call. I guess we need to end this. I have decided that he will forever be my love, and it's okay for me to hurt as long as he is happy. I wish for him that I hope he is happy and has a fulfilling life with his wife, and I would like to tell him that he makes the right decision to leave us behind, and I hope that you know that I've loved you with no regret. The reason why I wrote this here is I have something to ask.

1. Is it okay for me to close the door of my heart to anybody else as I know he is the one I love, and I never will meet someone like him. 

2. Can you guys give me some tips to move on? I've tried keeping myself busy with things that I enjoy doing: drawing, gardening, going to the library, and even jogging…but everything that I do still reminds me of him and makes me feel lovesick.

[Wiseman2]

Talk to trusted friends and family. Were you ever involved with him romantically or was it more of a crush on a classmate?

 

[glows]

Please don’t close your heart off or make promises to yourself that are damaging in the long run. If anything I’m here to tell you that life does indeed go on. You will find love again with someone else and fulfillment in new relationships. 

Continue keeping busy and don’t ascribe to ideas about closing your heart to anyone else. Are you almost finished with school? Stay grounded and be realistic about what you need to do with finding work and starting your career.

There’s a major problem in the way you’ve handled this issue with this married man as you made him the center of your universe. When you had the opportunity to block him or end it you told yourself reasons for not doing so. Please realize your own mistakes and don’t make any more excuses for yourself. I hope you’re no longer in contact and have blocked and deleted him for good. 

If you find yourself having trouble concentrating or depression speak with your doctor. I think you’re living in a fantasy world but that will end soon once you start working so remain focused on your career and finishing school. 

[Greener world]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Please don’t close your heart off or make promises to yourself that are damaging in the long run. If anything I’m here to tell you that life does indeed go on. You will find love again with someone else and fulfillment in new relationships. 

Continue keeping busy and don’t ascribe to ideas about closing your heart to anyone else. Are you almost finished with school? Stay grounded and be realistic about what you need to do with finding work and starting your career.

There’s a major problem in the way you’ve handled this issue with this married man as you made him the center of your universe. When you had the opportunity to block him or end it you told yourself reasons for not doing so. Please realize your own mistakes and don’t make any more excuses for yourself. I hope you’re no longer in contact and have blocked and deleted him for good. 

If you find yourself having trouble concentrating or depression speak with your doctor. I think you’re living in a fantasy world but that will end soon once you start working so remain focused on your career and finishing school. 

Yup, I think you are totally right. I've been living in a fantasy, and I was blinded by how compatible he is with me. I'm an introvert who hardly find someone retable with me during conversations. I think the fear of losing someone who is relatable and enjoys the same hobbies makes me feel miserable when I have to let him go. Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it. I didn't know that sharing my problem here could feel so relieving. Back then, I only read others' writings, and it never once crossed my mind that I would share my story here. I did share my story because no one will judge me for the mistakes that I've made. I'm an Asian, so being in a relationship with someone else's husband is a total disgrace in the family. I hope that my study will go smoothly and I will live my life to the fullest and enjoy my study years before I have to swallow the harsh realities of adulthood. Thank you once again for your advice.

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, Greener world said:

 I know he is the one I love, and I never will meet someone like him.

It's a bit early to decide he's "the love of your life" or what have you. Sometimes the love of your life turns out not to be the person you met when you were young and had such strong feelings for, but instead the person you met later on, with a bit of a cooler flame, and spent 30 happy years with and raised a family together.

You might want to research limerence (wikipedia would be fine) as you may have that. It is a bona fide altered state of consciousness and one thing that can happen is you keep having intensely "poignant" high-drama thoughts about your "relationship" to the person you can't have.

Although it's uncommon, you can have limerence multiple times in life; however it tends to NOT be a characteristic of well functioning, "healthy" relationships, but instead a characteristic of "kept apart" and/or dysfunctional ones. Just another fun trick our psychology/biology plays on us...

Edited February 28, 2022 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Greener world said:

1. Is it okay for me to close the door of my heart to anybody else as I know he is the one I love, and I never will meet someone like him. 

You are entitled to do this if you chose, but what a waste it would be. Are you really prepared to give up the opportunity to find love, have a family, and experience a life filled with joy and happiness? 

6 hours ago, Greener world said:

Everything that I do still reminds me of him and makes me feel lovesick.

I’m sorry, but this is just sad. Nobody is that special that you should be wasting your time and your life in this way. 

The thing with feelings is - you can feel them, but they don’t require action. Ie. you can think of this person with fondness and still make another decision - to live your life, to focus on starting your career, to find another relationship for yourself. 

6 hours ago, Greener world said:

He never tells anybody that he is married, and he always acts like he is single all the time.

And this is the man you would chose as your relationship partner? A married man who lives like a single man and disrespects his partner. 

Kindly, you would have to be pretty love struck to decide that this is the man you love because this - is a man you should avoid at all cost. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Greener world said:

Yup, I think you are totally right. I've been living in a fantasy, and I was blinded by how compatible he is with me. I'm an introvert who hardly find someone retable with me during conversations. I think the fear of losing someone who is relatable and enjoys the same hobbies makes me feel miserable when I have to let him go. Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it. I didn't know that sharing my problem here could feel so relieving. Back then, I only read others' writings, and it never once crossed my mind that I would share my story here. I did share my story because no one will judge me for the mistakes that I've made. I'm an Asian, so being in a relationship with someone else's husband is a total disgrace in the family. I hope that my study will go smoothly and I will live my life to the fullest and enjoy my study years before I have to swallow the harsh realities of adulthood. Thank you once again for your advice.

Keep posting if it helps. You're not alone in anything. There are plenty of people who are in the same boat and struggling or have struggled like you. What does help in the long run is having realistic expectations of yourself and staying true to your own aspirations and goals.

It may be nice that you knew someone like him but telling yourself that you were compatible is incorrect also. You weren't compatible because he wasn't even available to start and he lied about his marital status or withheld this information from you and others. Not only was he dishonest with himself if he was flirting with you or engaged in an extramarital affair he also deceived those around him by portraying himself as single, not to mention his wife if she doesn't know about his behaviour. Take the love blinders off and heart rimmed glasses. It may take a few days or a few weeks to readjust your thinking but this was a fantasy. 

Put some distance between the two of you and don't keep in contact with him even though he dropped out of school. You have your entire life ahead of you. Don't hold yourself back with this. 

Edited February 28, 2022 by glows

[pepperbird2]

7 hours ago, Greener world said:

We met each other in law school from the age of 18, and now we are in our 20s. He never tells anybody that he is married, and he always acts like he is single all the time. I've always had the feeling that he is hiding something, and I found out that he was married by the end of last year. I tried to move on right after I found out that he was a married man as I kept blaming myself and felt terrible for his wife. But the problem is he kept calling me, and I didn't dare to block him as it would make things awkward as we are still classmates and we are in the same assignment groups, so I think blocking him will only spoil the atmosphere in the group. He always looks so stressed and says that his parents are very controlling. He even lost so much weight and became so much thinner than he usually does. Even though he has been telling and acting like he is under a lot of stress, I still act like I don't care and ignore him. But only God knows how much I am still concerned and worried about him. I've never fallen in love in my life, and I think he is my first love. Unfortunately, I have to let him go. I love him so much until I don't have any tears for him anymore, and I feel numb with all the feelings. I've told my family about him, and they told me to forget him no matter what it takes. But nobody ever really understands the way I feel and act like I can forget all my feelings towards him in the blink of an eye. I've been under so much stress lately as I need to forget him. At the same time, I still need to complete all of the assignments with him. I even told my family that I would like to drop out of school and further my study elsewhere, and they all supported me to do so as long as I could forget him.

I was still in a dilemma. I wanted to leave him, but I still loved him and seeing him made me happy, so I decided to stay and love him from afar. Surprisingly, after submitting all the assignments, I heard that he had dropped out of school. Once again, he didn't tell anybody about it, and he broke my heart again. Now I am deeply hurt by him. The next day he called me using another phone number, and that was his last call. I guess we need to end this. I have decided that he will forever be my love, and it's okay for me to hurt as long as he is happy. I wish for him that I hope he is happy and has a fulfilling life with his wife, and I would like to tell him that he makes the right decision to leave us behind, and I hope that you know that I've loved you with no regret. The reason why I wrote this here is I have something to ask.

1. Is it okay for me to close the door of my heart to anybody else as I know he is the one I love, and I never will meet someone like him. 

2. Can you guys give me some tips to move on? I've tried keeping myself busy with things that I enjoy doing: drawing, gardening, going to the library, and even jogging…but everything that I do still reminds me of him and makes me feel lovesick.

You sound so young! You'll soon learn that you can and will get past this. Besides, you didn't really love "Him", you loved what he allowed you to see-much of which wasn't really the true him. The one truth that he did show you is that he feels a-okay with cheating on his wife, otherwise, he wouldn't do it. Do you really want to hitch your star to someone like him?  You can do so much better! You're educated, intelligent and have a big heart. Don't waste your emotional energy on this loser.

[Greener world]

On 2/28/2022 at 9:20 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Talk to trusted friends and family. Were you ever involved with him romantically or was it more of a crush on a classmate?

 

We are not in a committed relationship nor just a crush of classmates.

Three years ago, he confessed his feelings towards me. He told me that he had been keeping his eye on me during our orientation day, and he didn't know that I was in the same course as him.

I told him that I was not ready to be in a relationship as I was sceptical, and I didn't believe in love. I told him that I enjoyed being alone as I found that getting involved with someone just made me physically and mentally exhausted. He insisted that it's okay for me not to be ready to get into a serious relationship with him, but he asked me to give him a chance to prove that he is really serious about his feelings towards me. So, I gave him a chance, and we became a sort of platonic friendship. We've spent all of our time in the University together, working on the same group assignments and even enjoying our hobbies with each other. Until one day, his wife DM me on Instagram and asked me to stay away from him, and she called me a homewrecker.

I've told my friend who used to hang out with us about his marital status. My friend was shocked when I told her, she didn't believe that he was married as he is 24/7 available for me. She advised me to confront him and asked him why he lied to me (he did not lie to me, but he never told or talked about his status). He told me that he had made a mistake in the past that makes him regret and he told me that he had ruined his teenage years. He always told me that no matter what happened in the future, he wanted me to remember that he loves me sincerely. That was the day I doubted him, and I knew he was hiding something from me.

We did not involve in a physical relationship as it is prohibited in our religion, and I'm pretty religious and conservative. I confronted him and asked whether it was true that he was a married man, and he answered yes. He told me that he was dying to tell me about his marital status, but he was afraid that I would walk away from him. He told me that he was sexually involved with her wife during his high school days, and he didn't know that his parents would force him to take the responsibility and forced him to get married to her after their break-up. He told me he wanted to divorce his wife, but his parents forbade him from divorcing her.

He convinced me that he only loved me and would divorce his wife right after I decided to get into a committed relationship with him. After hearing his explanation, I told him that he and I were a mistake. I will never accept him in my life ever again. I told him that whatever decision he takes on his wife has nothing to do with me, and I was very disappointed in him as he knew how afraid I was to fall in love, but he broke my heart just like that. After that, I never answered his calls or text until he dropped out of school. I didn't like the fact that my first love was so much drama, and even I don't know whether to laugh it off or wail on my stupidity.🥲

Edited March 2, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Greener world said:

 we became a sort of platonic friendship. 

Ok, then you've done nothing wrong hanging out with him. 

[glows]

7 hours ago, Greener world said:

We are not in a committed relationship nor just a crush of classmates. Three years ago, he confessed his feelings towards me. He told me that he had been keeping his eye on me during our orientation day, and he didn't know that I was in the same course as him. I told him that I was not ready to be in a relationship as I was sceptical, and I didn't believe in love. I told him that I enjoyed being alone as I found that getting involved with someone just made me physically and mentally exhausted. He insisted that it's okay for me not to be ready to get into a serious relationship with him, but he asked me to give him a chance to prove that he is really serious about his feelings towards me. So, I gave him a chance, and we became a sort of platonic friendship. We've spent all of our time in the University together, working on the same group assignments and even enjoying our hobbies with each other. Until one day, his wife DM me on Instagram and asked me to stay away from him, and she called me a homewrecker. I've told my friend who used to hang out with us about his marital status. My friend was shocked when I told her, she didn't believe that he was married as he is 24/7 available for me. She advised me to confront him and asked him why he lied to me (he did not lie to me, but he never told or talked about his status). He told me that he had made a mistake in the past that makes him regret and he told me that he had ruined his teenage years. He always told me that no matter what happened in the future, he wanted me to remember that he loves me sincerely. That was the day I doubted him, and I knew he was hiding something from me. We did not involve in a physical relationship as it is prohibited in our religion, and I'm pretty religious and conservative. I confronted him and asked whether it was true that he was a married man, and he answered yes. He told me that he was dying to tell me about his marital status, but he was afraid that I would walk away from him. He told me that he was sexually involved with her wife during his high school days, and he didn't know that his parents would force him to take the responsibility and forced him to get married to her after their break-up. He told me he wanted to divorce his wife, but his parents forbade him from divorcing her. He convinced me that he only loved me and would divorce his wife right after I decided to get into a committed relationship with him. After hearing his explanation, I told him that he and I were a mistake. I will never accept him in my life ever again. I told him that whatever decision he takes on his wife has nothing to do with me, and I was very disappointed in him as he knew how afraid I was to fall in love, but he broke my heart just like that. After that, I never answered his calls or text until he dropped out of school. I didn't like the fact that my first love was so much drama, and even I don't know whether to laugh it off or wail on my stupidity.🥲

Give yourself more time. You will probably realize this was a chapter and nothing but a short one at that in regards to him. Your own values and morals or ideals were tested when you turned him down so be proud of that instead of trailing behind someone with a boatload of issues. 

I agree with you that whatever he chooses for himself is best without the involvement of you or anyone else. He was looking for an escape and a distraction which is human nature but also selfish and unbelievably harmful to others and himself in the long run. If he is unhappy in his marriage he’ll have to resolve that issue on his own.

You’re a lot stronger than you seem to give yourself credit for. Onwards. 

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, Greener world said:

Three years ago, he confessed his feelings towards me.

This matters not if he is married to someone else. It was very unfair of him to do this to you. 

9 hours ago, Greener world said:

He insisted that it's okay for me not to be ready to get into a serious relationship with him, but he asked me to give him a chance to prove that he is really serious about his feelings towards me.

This all sounds nice but he is married to another woman. As such, it’s kind of ridiculous for him to say “it’s okay for you not to be ready to get into a serious relationship with him” because HE is not available to be in a serious relationship with YOU. 

9 hours ago, Greener world said:

She advised me to confront him and asked him why he lied to me (he did not lie to me, but he never told or talked about his status).

That’s called lying by omission. 

9 hours ago, Greener world said:

He always told me that no matter what happened in the future, he wanted me to remember that he loves me sincerely. That was the day I doubted him, and I knew he was hiding something from me.

You doubted him because this was a such a stupid line - it’s such drama.

9 hours ago, Greener world said:

He told me that he was dying to tell me about his marital status, but he was afraid that I would walk away from him.

That is a basic truth - most women won’t spend time with or engage in an inappropriate relationship with a married man. He had to lie to you if he wanted to spend time with you. 

9 hours ago, Greener world said:

He told me that he was sexually involved with her wife during his high school days, and he didn't know that his parents would force him to take the responsibility and forced him to get married to her after their break-up. He told me he wanted to divorce his wife, but his parents forbade him from divorcing her.

It’s his parents fault. it’s usually not the fault of the married man. They usually have no control over the decision to divorce. 

9 hours ago, Greener world said:

He convinced me that he only loved me and would divorce his wife right after I decided to get into a committed relationship with him. After hearing his explanation, I told him that he and I were a mistake.

Good for you! This is a very common thing for a married man to do - he will divorce, at some point in the future… he’s just not sure when… he just needs to be sure about you. That’s not a fair thing for him to ask you. 

9 hours ago, Greener world said:

I didn't like the fact that my first love was so much drama, and even I don't know whether to laugh it off or wail on my stupidity.🥲

I think you learn from this. Be proud of the fact that you kept your boundaries and you did not go down the path of believing his empty promises. With time, this will be but a memory in what I hope is a rich and full life. That can only happen if you look forward, not backward. Don’t waste more time on this fool - he is not worth it. You are better than this and you are better than him.
 

Edited March 1, 2022 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

As time passes, you will no longer feel what you are feeling now...yes it goes away..dissipates into thin air. I guarantee you when you look back on this you will realize how foolish this all was. And you go on with life meeting someone you will have feelings like you have never felt before. It's a cycle.