Kate1989 Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 My husband and I (both 32) have been together for 10 years and married for 5. we've always had a very happy relationship but in the last 6 months we have argued a lot over certain topics. Two months ago he told me his feelings have changed but couldn't explain what he meant. His whole personality seems to have changed and all of sudden he's so negative, won't get excited about anything and just wants to be by himself. He's been very stressed at work as well, which doesn't help. More recently he said he loves me. But he doesn't feel in love with me. He can't see a future with me but also can't see a future without me. Last week he left and stayed with his friend to get some space and two days ago I told him I can't deal with this anymore and that we should end this. But I love him so much. I can't imagine ever not being with him. Yesterday he came home and we talked. He still feels like he's not in love with me but he wants to try and see if this changes. Because he still loves me... if that makes sense. I'm so sad and confused... I don't know what to do and what if he doesn't want to be with me anymore... Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 15 minutes ago, Kate1989 said: . Last week he left and stayed with his friend to get some space and two days ago I told him I can't deal with this anymore and that we should end this. .. Sorry this is happening. What exactly happened 6 mos ago? Were there outside stressors such as changes in financial status, jobs, etc? Has he ever done this type of thing before? Does he want a divorce or does he want marriage counseling? Do you think he's having affairs? It's unsustainable to have an on/off, in and out husband. Ask him straight forwardly if there's someone else. He may deny it, but it lets him know you're aware the problem isn't you. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 3 hours ago, Kate1989 said: but in the last 6 months we have argued a lot over certain topics. What are these disagreements about? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 (edited) My first thoughts are either - he is depressed, or he is interested in someone else/cheating. What you do depends on what the problem is - if he is depressed, he needs to see his doctor, make some lifestyle changes, and get some counselling. Personally, I wouldn’t give up until you tried counselling. That said, you can’t force him to attend counselling and it takes two to make a marriage. I’m sorry this has happened to you. Edited March 3, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Canadian Maple Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 That is a typical textbook line for someone who's in an affair, as well as the way that he's acting. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 Dude here. If this sort of behavior is unusual for him - then something significant happened in his life that you don't know about or he's cheating. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 My first thought went to an affair, too. A sudden change in behaviour doesn't come out of nowhere, and while there could be other explanations that he's hiding, this sort of thing is often indicative of cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 On 2/28/2022 at 1:06 PM, Kate1989 said: He still feels like he's not in love with me but he wants to try and see if this changes. Because he still loves me... if that makes sense. I'm so sad and confused... I don't know what to do and what if he doesn't want to be with me anymore... I'm not sure how you're supposed to try while fully aware that he's "not in love" with you. You'll spend the entire time feeling like you're not good enough and he's about to fly the coop. It annoys me when people say this "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. It sounds like absolute tripe to me. And it almost always seems to precede an attempt to keep you in limbo while the other person gets to explore their options. I can't tell you what to do, but if I were in your shoes and depression and other health-related issues were ruled out, I'd set him free to go and do whatever he needs to do and force myself to face the reality of a single life. I would have no desire whatsoever to be in an unequal relationship. And I would rather face my worst fear (the relationship ending) than spend months or years being anxious about it then watching as it inevitably happens. Whatever you do decide to do, I'm rooting for you. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 Check his phone bill now. See who’s he’s in contact with. he’s been cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 If my husband told me this I would gladly open the door and let him go. What is there to work on if he's no longer in love with you? When he says he loves you but is not in love with you he is saying he sees you as a sister or a friend but not his lover. Let him go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 On 2/28/2022 at 5:06 AM, Kate1989 said: Yesterday he came home and we talked. He still feels like he's not in love with me but he wants to try and see if this changes. Because he still loves me... if that makes sense. The whole "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" has never made sense to me. You either love someone or you don't. My first thought went to an affair, if you've seen a sudden change in him and he treats you with malice or acts discontent around you all the time, but who knows? Maybe the stress of his job is the culprit. Either way, it's not you, it's clearly him and perhaps couples counseling will help. I would also take a look at your phone bill and, if you can, confirm that he stayed with that "friend" two days ago. I'm always a bit suspicious when the behavior changes out of nowhere. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 (edited) 13 minutes ago, vla1120 said: The whole "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" has never made sense to me. You either love someone or you don't. Good question - which I think I can help explain. And I hope my explanation will also help the OP I said exactly this when I was debating leaving my ex-h. And contrary to popular advice, there was no affair going on. Thing is, my love isn't binary - instead, it has degrees. When I said this, what it meant was "I care about you, I love you like dear friend, but I no longer love you like I should love a husband" Edited March 3, 2022 by basil67 5 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 3 minutes ago, basil67 said: Good question - which I think I can help explain. And I hope my explanation will also help the OP I said exactly this when I was debating leaving my ex-h. And contrary to popular advice, there was no affair going on. Thing is, my love isn't binary - instead, it has degrees. When I said this, what it meant was "I care about you, I love you like dear friend, but I no longer love you like I should love a husband" That does make sense to me. You're right. You can love someone, but more as a friend than as a partner. I'll remember that the next time I hear this phrase (and probably encourage them to explain it that way!) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 (edited) 10 hours ago, S2B said: Check his phone bill now. See who’s he’s in contact with. he’s been cheating. That’s good advice. Because I also think that he’s either cheating, or has one foot out the door. Or both. You don’t say I love you but I’m not in love with you to a spouse you want to be with. It’s hurtful. He wants to push you away. Find out why! Edited March 3, 2022 by Pumpernickel 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 On 2/28/2022 at 2:06 AM, Kate1989 said: two days ago I told him I can't deal with this anymore and that we should end this. But I love him so much. I can't imagine ever not being with him. Yesterday he came home and we talked. He still feels like he's not in love with me but he wants to try and see if this changes. Because he still loves me... if that makes sense. I'm so sad and confused... I don't know what to do and what if he doesn't want to be with me anymore... It's unlikely you'll ever get to the bottom of this or you'd have to stay long enough for your heart to be ripped to shreds. You haven't come back to describe what those disagreements previously were. Were you arguing for awhile about other issues? His feelings could very well have changed depending on how the both of you handled those disagreements or what was exchanged. If he isn't doing anything to improve communication or work on the relationship with you (meaning being present and willing to commit to it), then no, that's a slipshod, half-hearted and lousy way to treat someone especially a spouse. I don't think you should wait for anyone who can't put more effort into a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 As painful as it is, let him go - in fact you should help him pack. You don't want to be with someone that doesn't love you. You deserve more than that. I'm sorry, but you shouldn't wait around for someone to love you. Love yourself. You will recover from this and there is someday there will be someone that is 'gaga' about you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 File for divorce - life is way too short to stay with someone who isn’t making you their top priority! don’t allow him to waste one more day this way! he should have decided if he was in love with you before he took his marital vows. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 4, 2022 Share Posted March 4, 2022 (edited) Speaking generally, people are serial monogamists. There are exceptions, but you'll note that even many "lifelong" couples often had several prior partners before they met. Part of this is a distinction between the "passionate" love of a new couple/bond and the more "familial" love of a couple in a LTR. This is not to say there can't be passion in a LTR or "familial feelings" in a new one, but I think the tendency is not particularly controversial. There are people who "chase" the thrill of new love, and tend to drop relationships every few years and find new partners. Your husband doesn't sound like that, but I think at least part of what he's saying is that while he's attached to you in a familial LTR way, he's not feeling the "new love" aspect. Really feeling that isn't realistic after 10 years, BUT I think people happy in their LTRs tend to not point this out, at least not in the negative way that "love you but not in love with you" implies. So IMO this is his way of communicating that he's dissatisfied with the relationship. And it may indeed be a prelude to leaving or cheating (people unhappy in their relationships only have so many options). If you (or he) wants to work on the relationship, that would be another (presumably more positive) option. IF you want to do that, it will take "work" and a willingness from both of you to understand where the relationship is not doing well and what to do to substantially improve it, as well as a willingness on both your parts to reinvest in the relationship emotionally. It might be wise to bring in a marriage counselor as it can help a lot to have a third party to "referee" difficult discussions. Edited March 4, 2022 by mark clemson 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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