Practical Concerns About Moving in Before Getting Married

[oldgummybear]

My fiance and I have been together couple months over a year, and he proposed early January this year. We are happy and excited to start our life together, but there are practical things that I'm worried about with the imminent moving-in.  For example, due to family beliefs, my parents don't allow me to live with partner prior to engagement, so he will be the first partner that I ever live with.

The number one thing: we both own properties, so it's not like we are signing a lease together or buying a new place together; I'm moving into his place. I just finished remodeling and decorating my 1B1B last summer by myself(he barely contributed labor or financial wise); he has a much bigger house, but a lot still needs to be done (for example, bathrooms need to be completely taken down and redone). Since I'm moving into the house, I feel like I need to share the remodeling/decorating responsibility now. For example, I spent the past weekend painting the living room walls, and I pay for some of materials and furnitures that we buy for the house.

To be clear, he is doing his own remodeling work too, and is paying for the majority cost of remodeling & grocery & us going out, and I'm happy with how we share responsibility as of now if we're married. BUT, right now I feel a little unsafe, as I'm putting time and money into his property, but if god forbids things go wrong, I would not only suffer emotional lost, but also more financial lost than in normal situations(normal situations meaning two ppl renting together or buying a property together, in our case, my labor and investment in the property won't be recognized).

The second thing is, my fiance has a toddler who will be living with us half of the time. So far, my fiance's parents have been able to alternate each time to come and help whenever the child is here. I love the child, have spent continuous weeks with them and everybody gets along with everybody(in-laws and child).

My fiance also have healthy expectations of me (that I don't need to help with the child, my career comes first, but of course I love playing with and reading to the child). HOWEVER, moving in into a situation like this still seems a daunting commitment. I'm worried about the sudden change of lifestyle from a single woman to mother figure (only in the sense of work and responsibility, no intention to replace anybody), when the commitment between my fiance is only engagement, not yet marriage, and not yet the decision to have children.

I've talked to my fiance about my feelings of fear and and overwhelming responsibility, and we came up with no better solution than me making sure to always do my work first. So I'm seeking advice about how to watch out for myself in situation like this? And how do I deal with the feeling that the situation is asking more commitment and contribution from me than from my fiance?

Edited February 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, oldgummybear said:

I feel a little unsafe, as I'm putting time and money into his property, but if god forbids things go wrong, I would not only suffer emotional lost, but also more financial lost than in normal situations

The second thing is, my fiance has a toddler who will be living with us half of the time.

Yes, do not perform labor or pay for materials on a property that is not in your name.

Also make sure you do not perform unpaid nanny duties. He, the child's mother and his family is solely responsible for her care. 

[FMW]

Since you have serious concerns, I would NOT move in with him unless and until you are married or have similar legal rights established.  Do not provide labor or purchase materials that you are not willing to see as a gift to him.  The same goes for your time and money with his child.  

If you are absolutely committed to moving in with him, keep your money separate and keep track of your contributions (maintain check/credit card/bank statement records).  You might consider having some sort of legal document drawn up that establishes your agreement, especially if you are paying substantially unequal amounts toward all the expenses.  

I think you should pay attention to how you are feeling.  To me it doesn't sound like you are going to be comfortable with the living situation prior to marriage.  

[basil67]

I'm afraid that before I can answer, I have a whole lot of questions:

Will you pay him rent for living in the house?  

If you're moving in with him, will you be renting out your place?

Will you be contributing your fair share towards groceries and going out when you move in?

It sounds like you're already buying furniture for his place. If you break up, will he compensate you or will you take the furniture?

 

The situation with the child is alarming...that he needs help to care for the child.   Does he need help because of the remodeling project?  If so, how long is this likely to continue for?   While it's nice for the child to see their grandparents, they are there to visit with their father.   What if there was no remodeling....would he still want/need help?   You don't want to end up with a guy who is unable to care for his own child without help 

 

 

 

[glows]

Having an agreement in place for any expenses is an option. While a lot of this reads to me as cold feet, some of the issues are too large to overlook. You'll have to dig deeper at what's causing so much of your uneasiness about moving in with him. Why don't you move in when you're married instead of engaged? Ie. after you have your place sorted and turned into a rental for example if that's what you're aiming for. Your partner seems understanding of your work and he's agreed that you "don't need to help with the child" and "your career comes first".

I didn't understand this part below in bold. Could you clarify? Have you both talked about having your own children? How do either of you feel about more kids? 

Quote

I'm worried about the sudden change of lifestyle from a single woman to mother figure (only in the sense of work and responsibility, no intention to replace anybody), when the commitment between my fiance is only engagement, not yet marriage, and not yet the decision to have children.

 

[oldgummybear]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm afraid that before I can answer, I have a whole lot of questions:

Will you pay him rent for living in the house?  

If you're moving in with him, will you be renting out your place?

Will you be contributing your fair share towards groceries and going out when you move in?

It sounds like you're already buying furniture for his place. If you break up, will he compensate you or will you take the furniture?

 

The situation with the child is alarming...that he needs help to care for the child.   Does he need help because of the remodeling project?  If so, how long is this likely to continue for?   While it's nice for the child to see their grandparents, they are there to visit with their father.   What if there was no remodeling....would he still want/need help?   You don't want to end up with a guy who is unable to care for his own child without help 

 

 

 

I will not be paying rent.

I will be renting out my place.

I already contribute to groceries and going out, but not as much as he does. I would say it's probably 35% me, 65% him at this point. (I should also mention that he makes about 5 times what I make at this point, as I am still doing my Ph.D., but he is working). Him having a child makes contributing to grocery tricky, as diapers and baby food are often purchased together with items we need. I suggested that when we move in, we should open one shared bank checking account to which we both put certain amount of our income(my income at that time will include rent from my property) to cover daily expenses like grocery and bills. He agreed but is procrastinating on actually doing it. 

I am already buying furniture for his place and doing work outside the norm (painting walls for example). But it's tricky to just not do those things as suggested by others because other than the legal aspect, he is treating his place like our home, asking my opinions and considering my preferences for living spaces. Like we are making decisions about how to build office desks, what colors to paint the walls, what tiles to go for etc. together, so it feels weird to just say I'm not contributing to the realization of our ideas/plans.  I really wonder what would be a good solution for this scenario? I'm essentially just worried that we are not married but are acting like we are... if that makes sense, and that put me at risks if things go wrong. Should we somehow have an agreement about what happens to my financial contribution to the house project if things go wrong?

I didn't go into the child care part as I was focusing on the living situation. That shouldn't be a problem soon, the current situation is because of the funky childcare schedule due to COVID. His parents only help during work hours, not in the evening when he's off work. 

[oldgummybear]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

Having an agreement in place for any expenses is an option. While a lot of this reads to me as cold feet, some of the issues are too large to overlook. You'll have to dig deeper at what's causing so much of your uneasiness about moving in with him. Why don't you move in when you're married instead of engaged? Ie. after you have your place sorted and turned into a rental for example if that's what you're aiming for. Your partner seems understanding of your work and he's agreed that you "don't need to help with the child" and "your career comes first".

I didn't understand this part below in bold. Could you clarify? Have you both talked about having your own children? How do either of you feel about more kids? 

 

Oh, I meant, in typical dating/getting married scenario, the responsibility and work associated with having a young one/having a family comes when both partners are deeply committed to each other and feel like their relationship is stable and strong enough for having children together. But in our case, I feel like we are only committing to being engaged right now (we talked about having more children, but also agreed that should happen after at least 1 year from now), not committing to a marriage, let alone having our children. But at the same time, I'm already sharing some responsibility and work and lifestyle associated with having a child. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, oldgummybear said:

Oh, I meant, in typical dating/getting married scenario, the responsibility and work associated with having a young one/having a family comes when both partners are deeply committed to each other and feel like their relationship is stable and strong enough for having children together. But in our case, I feel like we are only committing to being engaged right now (we talked about having more children, but also agreed that should happen after at least 1 year from now), not committing to a marriage, let alone having our children. But at the same time, I'm already sharing some responsibility and work and lifestyle associated with having a child. 

It seems you’re having trouble with investing too much during the engagement. Thanks for clarifying the part about children.

I had asked why you’re thinking of living together while engaged but I think you missed the question or might not have seen it. Are you rushing into this? Why not have a longer engagement and move in when you’re married? You’ve only dated this man for 14 months. How are you supposed to get comfortable with being a step mother and wife in such a short time? 

This is not to say that there’s anything wrong with it and of course there are happy couples still married for decades who have done the same but many more whose marriages or relationships have failed because of too much too soon. 

It’s always good to be cautious but there’s a lot of hesitancy and anxiety here and I think it may boil down to how much you trust your partner and why this is moving so quickly at a pace that would cause some to balk. I think you should pay more attention to your uneasiness. Start being smarter about your money and how you spend on the new home and don’t move in so quickly. Take your time.

Edited March 1, 2022 by glows

[basil67]

3 hours ago, oldgummybear said:

I will not be paying rent.

I will be renting out my place.

<snip> Should we somehow have an agreement about what happens to my financial contribution to the house project if things go wrong?

Thanks for the clarification.  It would seem like the above is the only thing left to address.  

If you'll have an income from your own home but are not paying rent to your partner, I would say that the financial contribution to the renovations would be offset by what you didn't pay in rent while you lived there.   Either that, or just pay him rent and don't put any money into the house.  

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, oldgummybear said:

 For example, due to family beliefs, my parents don't allow me to live with partner prior to engagement, 

How long has he been divorced?  You stated you've only been dating about a year and he has a toddler?

Is this their marital home?  

Stop buying groceries together. He and the child's mother are responsible for the child's food clothing shelter and all her needs.

Stop providing free labor on the house. If he makes 5x what you do, let him hire contractors.

Getting engaged and moving into his place to pay for his child, provide babysitting and house remodeling is not a commitment.

Stay in your place until you are legally married. Moving in after only a year of dating seems rushed and only to his advantage. Especially if you are babysitting and remodeling. Do not furnish his house either.

 

[clia]

Honestly, it sounds like you are getting the better end of the deal here, financially.  He isn't charging you rent, you are getting more income by renting your own place, and the the split is 35%/65%.  At this point, you shouldn't be paying for major renovation/remodeling or repairs (e.g., things like roof, appliances, furnace, etc.)  But I'm not really getting the impression that he's asking you to pay for this kind of stuff.  Am I wrong?  Have you had a discussion with him about his expectations with respect to the house?

Quote

I am already buying furniture for his place and doing work outside the norm (painting walls for example).

Furniture doesn't count.  You are living there, too, and can take it with you if things go poorly.  Painting walls seems like nitpicking.  Again, you are living there, too, and I assume would like to  live in a nice place.  Big deal, you spend a few days painting a room.  Let it go.

Quote

But it's tricky to just not do those things as suggested by others because other than the legal aspect, he is treating his place like our home, asking my opinions and considering my preferences for living spaces. Like we are making decisions about how to build office desks, what colors to paint the walls, what tiles to go for etc. together, so it feels weird to just say I'm not contributing to the realization of our ideas/plans.

It's great that he's treating it like your home and wants your input.  You can give him your input, but generally shouldn't be paying for things that stay with the house (like the tile, etc.)  I say generally here because you should also choose your battles.  It's fine to want to protect your self financially, but you are also (I presume) planning to build a life with this man, and this home is going to be where you reside.  So, if you are nitpicking and worried about every little expense/work that goes to the house (e.g., furniture, decor, etc.), I just can't see that being healthy for the relationship. 

[oldgummybear]

13 hours ago, glows said:

It seems you’re having trouble with investing too much during the engagement. Thanks for clarifying the part about children.

I had asked why you’re thinking of living together while engaged but I think you missed the question or might not have seen it. Are you rushing into this? Why not have a longer engagement and move in when you’re married? You’ve only dated this man for 14 months. How are you supposed to get comfortable with being a step mother and wife in such a short time? 

This is not to say that there’s anything wrong with it and of course there are happy couples still married for decades who have done the same but many more whose marriages or relationships have failed because of too much too soon. 

It’s always good to be cautious but there’s a lot of hesitancy and anxiety here and I think it may boil down to how much you trust your partner and why this is moving so quickly at a pace that would cause some to balk. I think you should pay more attention to your uneasiness. Start being smarter about your money and how you spend on the new home and don’t move in so quickly. Take your time.

I think these are fair questions. 

We are thinking about living together now for multiple reasons 1) Most of our friends/ppl we know and his family would move in within a year, even before getting engaged. So moving in now seems a pretty obvious and actually a delayed choice. 2) We've been spending a lot of time together, we live 5 minutes away, and have been spending basically all waking hours other than work hours together for couple months now. 3) We have our respective cats, not living in the same space but spending so much time together makes it hard for us to spend enough time with our respective pets. 4)We do want to make sure that we don't hate each other when actually living together before getting married. 

 

I think different ppl may have different timeline when it comes to dating/getting married. I personally wouldn't consider 14 months short in a situation where partners see each other a lot (yes, 14 months would be short if it's a long distance relationship or partners can only meet once per week or sth). But you are right, "too much too soon" seems to be what I'm dealing with now. I don't necessarily want to slow it down, but want to see how to mitigate risks more and feel more comfortable(like having contracts or sth) in this situation. 

 

But yes, I think you are right, I should at least figure our my uneasiness and feel comfortable with how we distribute contributions etc. before actually moving in. 

 

[oldgummybear]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long has he been divorced?  You stated you've only been dating about a year and he has a toddler?

Is this their marital home?  

Stop buying groceries together. He and the child's mother are responsible for the child's food clothing shelter and all her needs.

Stop providing free labor on the house. If he makes 5x what you do, let him hire contractors.

Getting engaged and moving into his place to pay for his child, provide babysitting and house remodeling is not a commitment.

Stay in your place until you are legally married. Moving in after only a year of dating seems rushed and only to his advantage. Especially if you are babysitting and remodeling. Do not furnish his house either.

 

His past is another story that we've already dealt with and I'm comfortable with at this moment. I have seen proof of divorce, and proof of the story he told me that explains the divorce(I would have filed for divorce too if I were in that scenario). So good on that front. This is their marital home. But divorce is finalized. The house is his. I've made peace with the fact that another woman has lived here before. We are probably going to sell it and buy a new place after we fix it up. 

Thanks for your advice! I think that's the general consensus in this thread right now. But it's hard to not contribute entirely when we are trying to build a life together. I'm still trying to figure out what makes sense based on advice I got from here. 

[ShyViolet]

Do you feel like you are rushing into this?  Because a lot of your concerns sound like you feel a little uncomfortable with all these changes so fast.  Maybe you should slow down and not move in together yet.

[Els]

I don't think marriage is the magic bullet that you perceive it to be - all of the concerns that you state having while engaged, will not magically disappear when you get married. 

For instance, you are concerned that he may break the engagement and then all the "investment" you are putting into his house (really just furniture and time spent on remodelling) will be a loss. But how does that change after you get married? I suppose it does depend on the laws of your country, but if he leaves after, say, one month of marriage and the house was not purchased during the marriage or with joint funds, in some countries you would still not be entitled to it.

Perhaps more importantly, should you really be marrying this man if you can't trust, at this stage, that he won't leave? Surely it would be worse if he left you 5 years into the marriage with 2 kids?

The step-kid situation is a completely valid concern, but again that doesn't change with marriage.

[Lauriebell82]

I am in your same situation, although I am not engaged yet. My boyfriend and I are both divorced, both own our own houses, both have kids. We have been together a significant amount of years and are looking at engagement in the next year or so. We do not plan to move in together for the reasons you specified. Even during engagement it would be a no-no. Too many variables. Engagement and marriage are not "technically" the same thing legally speaking. When kids and property are involved it's a whole different story in my book. However to me it's not about trust or that I'm afraid he'll break an engagement or leave. It's just more about (like it or not) marriage is more stable then cohabitation. And that's the truth of the matter. 

The current plan for my boyfriend and I is to keep his house as a "transitional house" as we will be looking at engagement/marriage after his son goes to college (his son is almost 17). So that will help him to have a house for his son to come back to periodically if he wants to visit and then eventually we would then sell it. My house is bigger and my kids are much younger (plus we are in a different school district) so he would move to my house. But no "official" moving in until marriage is in place. After being married and divorced and now having kids and owning my own house I feel this is a very very good policy to have. 

Edited March 1, 2022 by Lauriebell82

[Wiseman2]

On 2/28/2022 at 7:48 PM, oldgummybear said:

 I will be renting out my place.

I already contribute to groceries and going out .he makes about 5 times what I make 

It's understandable that you are concerned. There are a lot of "ifs"  right now.

You're still legally living at your place. So don't move in or rent your place until you are married.

Your brewing resentment is also understandable. He makes 5x what you make so let him hire contractors to renovate. He also needs to hire a nanny.

The cost of his divorce, run down house, lack of furniture, etc. and child arrangements are his responsibility, not yours.

He needs to buy his own furniture. He can afford it.

Another big "if" is selling the house. Why isn't it sold/on the market already? It's unclear why you are cast in the role of house painter or nanny in a situation that is this tenuous.

If he makes 5x what you make and much of the groceries is for him and his child, you need to stop buying groceries together.

The uneasiness you feel is acting married and having these tasks but not actually owning the home together or actually being married.

After one year dating and his recent divorce, it would be best to slow things down. That would alleviate a lot of the anxiety, "ifs" and understandable resentment.

Right now you don't need a contract. You need to stop overinvesting your money and labor until you have gotten to know each other better and have a solid commitment.

 

Edited March 2, 2022 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

19 hours ago, oldgummybear said:

I think different ppl may have different timeline when it comes to dating/getting married. I personally wouldn't consider 14 months short in a situation where partners see each other a lot (yes, 14 months would be short if it's a long distance relationship or partners can only meet once per week or sth). But you are right, "too much too soon" seems to be what I'm dealing with now.

I waited three years to move in with my partner and his son. His child is a teenager now and does not require the same care. That said, it has required a lot of sacrifice from all of us - be prepared, it’s a huge commitment and your life will never be the same. I say take your time - be sure you are ready - before moving in together. 

[BaileyB]

18 hours ago, oldgummybear said:

But it's hard to not contribute entirely when we are trying to build a life together.

When I moved in with my partner, I did not pay rent (it was his home). I paid expenses and the profit from the sale of my home when toward the down payment of “our” home together. We now split the mortgage/home expenses for our new home, and he pays a little more for expenses because of his son. We went to a lawyer and drafted a cohabitation agreement that spells it all out - including what will happen if we were ever to separate or pass away. We both had considerable assets and other people that we wanted to inherit - his son, my family. All the money couldn’t just go to the surviving “spouse.” 

[Starswillshine]

As a mom, and as a person who lost their mom at a very early age... 

I suggest anyone who is planning to marry someone else with a child, especially when you do not have any of your own, consider how you might feel being a full time parent. My step-mom went from being just a step mom every other weekend, to a full time mom really quick. Bad things happen... 

How would you feel if all of a sudden, you found your future husband having 100% custody? 

[Els]

I am honestly perplexed that in 2022, there are still so many folks in the "no cohabitation before marriage" camp. While I do respect that everyone has the right to make their own decision in this regard, I hope OP that you at least give some thought to the whys and wherefores, so that it will be your decision alone, and not based on what your parents "allow".

I have known far too many people (normally women) who were burned badly by not living together before getting married. Some found out that their husbands were so badly in debt or so bad with money that they couldn't even pay their share of expenses, putting her in the undiscussed and undesired situation of being the primary breadwinner (this isn't necessarily correlated with income btw - a person can have a high income but still be in debt or terrible at managing their finances). Some found out that their husbands couldn't (or wouldn't) run a load of laundry or cook a simple meal or clean the bathroom. Some found out that their husband would allow the MIL to drop by on a nearly daily basis, or allow her to dictate the running of their household.

You know how people say the first year of marriage is the hardest? Well... that wasn't our experience at all. Because we had gotten all of that adjustment period over with before getting married.

IMO you will never truly know someone, you will never know how they actually contribute to a household or how they behave on a daily basis when you're not around, unless you live with them. And I might be making a mistaken inference here, but my guess is that you might live in a culture where women who file for divorce are highly stigmatized... many of the women I'm talking about do live in such a culture, and most of them stayed in their marriage despite being miserable. So please, just be careful. If you get married and decide that marriage with that person isn't right for you, you stand to lose a LOT more than some furniture and paint.

 

 

 

 

 

[oldgummybear]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

As a mom, and as a person who lost their mom at a very early age... 

I suggest anyone who is planning to marry someone else with a child, especially when you do not have any of your own, consider how you might feel being a full time parent. My step-mom went from being just a step mom every other weekend, to a full time mom really quick. Bad things happen... 

How would you feel if all of a sudden, you found your future husband having 100% custody? 

Thanks for your advice! If you don't mind me asking more, I think your advice would be really helpful for me living with my future step-son.

At this moment, his toddler is the only child in the household. But the current plan is to have 2 more in the upcoming 5 years. The child is so young that he probably doesn't remember his parents being/living together (they split when the child was 4 months old), or even understand the situation as of now. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of bad things happen when our step-mom moved in? What kind of situations would hurt a child without the parent/step-parent necessarily knowing that the child is not comfortable. (For example, I know the obvious things, like not to argue in front of the child, express love towards the child etc., what are some things that I might not know but you might based on experiences?)

In your last question, do you mean the scenario if we get a divorce, I will never see the step-kid again? If so, we are definitely trying our best to not let a divorce happen. If that happens, I've always understood that that's his kid, any emotional or other investment in the child is just like any investment in my partner, which will all be sunken cost if things really don't go well. 

I'd really love to hear your opinion about how to avoid bad things though. Thanks!

[Starswillshine]

9 minutes ago, oldgummybear said:

In your last question, do you mean the scenario if we get a divorce, I will never see the step-kid again? If so, we are definitely trying our best to not let a divorce happen. If that happens, I've always understood that that's his kid, any emotional or other investment in the child is just like any investment in my partner, which will all be sunken cost if things really don't go well. 

I mean, if something happens to the mom of your soon to be step child. For instance, my dad only had visitation every other weekend after my parents divorced. Then my mom died, which meant, my dad had me 100%- no breaks. So in the case of your fiancé', it seems he shares 50/50 custody. So right now, every other week (or whatever the breakdown is), you guys have a break from parental responsibilities. The bad things happening comment was meant as if... how would you feel if your stepson's mother dies (or something else happens where she is no longer capable of taking care of her son) and their son has to live with you full time? Which was the issue for me. 

In my case, my step-mom was young (much younger than my dad), and we had lots of issues. I needed my dad because I had lost my mom. I was only 5. I remember being 7ish (I remember age only because of the house we were living in at the time) and my step-mom telling me, that I was trying to get all the attention and not allowing my dad to give her attention by always crying about my mom at night and sitting between them while watching tv. I remember being so confused because the sitting between them was so that I could be with BOTH of them. She made me feel a lot of guilt about being sad. She told me I was horrible for using my mom's death as a way to garner attention. I remember trying to figure out when I was sad if I was just missing my mom or wanting attention. The attention thing was often... I had pain in my side once, and my dad freaked out and ran me to the hospital after I told him that I didn't need to go to the hospital, it was just a sharp pain. (Again, 7ish). She went to my teachers and told them that I faked it for attention. I had meetings with my teachers who told me that it was wrong to fake pain to get attention. Anyway... you can see the problem. She wasn't ready to be a mom. We ended up having a good relationship for awhile once I hit my late teens and adulthood. And now it is strained again for unknown reasons (she just simply forgot I and my kids exist). 

Anyway, just consider how you would feel if you have to step up to be the child's mother in the event mom can no longer take care (whether she has passed or some other horrible issue). I think most step-parents should think about it. I have kids and am engaged to be married soon, and my fiancé is amazing with them. I have full custody of my kids; my ex only sees them every other weekend, so in a way, my soon to be husband will be more their dad (have more to do with their upbringing) than their father will. After a recent surgery where I had major complications, it led me to ask my Ex-husband that if something happens to me, that he allows my fiancé' at least some visitation. But I am concerned that if something should happen to me, that my ex-husband's current girlfriend will be an issue with my children. 

[oldgummybear]

21 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

I mean, if something happens to the mom of your soon to be step child. For instance, my dad only had visitation every other weekend after my parents divorced. Then my mom died, which meant, my dad had me 100%- no breaks. So in the case of your fiancé', it seems he shares 50/50 custody. So right now, every other week (or whatever the breakdown is), you guys have a break from parental responsibilities. The bad things happening comment was meant as if... how would you feel if your stepson's mother dies (or something else happens where she is no longer capable of taking care of her son) and their son has to live with you full time? Which was the issue for me. 

In my case, my step-mom was young (much younger than my dad), and we had lots of issues. I needed my dad because I had lost my mom. I was only 5. I remember being 7ish (I remember age only because of the house we were living in at the time) and my step-mom telling me, that I was trying to get all the attention and not allowing my dad to give her attention by always crying about my mom at night and sitting between them while watching tv. I remember being so confused because the sitting between them was so that I could be with BOTH of them. She made me feel a lot of guilt about being sad. She told me I was horrible for using my mom's death as a way to garner attention. I remember trying to figure out when I was sad if I was just missing my mom or wanting attention. The attention thing was often... I had pain in my side once, and my dad freaked out and ran me to the hospital after I told him that I didn't need to go to the hospital, it was just a sharp pain. (Again, 7ish). She went to my teachers and told them that I faked it for attention. I had meetings with my teachers who told me that it was wrong to fake pain to get attention. Anyway... you can see the problem. She wasn't ready to be a mom. We ended up having a good relationship for awhile once I hit my late teens and adulthood. And now it is strained again for unknown reasons (she just simply forgot I and my kids exist). 

Anyway, just consider how you would feel if you have to step up to be the child's mother in the event mom can no longer take care (whether she has passed or some other horrible issue). I think most step-parents should think about it. I have kids and am engaged to be married soon, and my fiancé is amazing with them. I have full custody of my kids; my ex only sees them every other weekend, so in a way, my soon to be husband will be more their dad (have more to do with their upbringing) than their father will. After a recent surgery where I had major complications, it led me to ask my Ex-husband that if something happens to me, that he allows my fiancé' at least some visitation. But I am concerned that if something should happen to me, that my ex-husband's current girlfriend will be an issue with my children. 

Thanks for your clarification. Yes, right now it's 50/50 custody. My partner and I are actually both hoping that we can get the child for more time especially when he starts going to school(better school districts, we are both more available and capable to tutor). So having him 100% won't be a burden, but a bless. Parental responsibilities are tiring but also very fulfilling and rewarding. 

I'm really sorry for what you went through as a child. No child, or even adult should ever be told to feel less because their emotions are taking up other people's attention, especially since you had more than legitimate reason to feel sad at that time. I am not super young myself, and would think that I'm ready to be more family-oriented than purely focusing on romance(I actually do miss my soon-to-be step kid when he's not with us, and love it when he sits between us on the sofa). But I'm sure from your step-mom's perspective, the situation she stepped into was not easy for her at her young age either. I'm glad you guys had good relationship later on, and hopefully you guys can regain that. Do you mind me asking if your dad and step-mom have more children? If so, were there any problems there? One worry that I do have is what if I can't make every kid happy/feels equally loved after going through pregnancy and having my own biological children. 

If anything, I might be in your fiance's shoes. God forbid if anything happens to my partner down the road, I'd really wish to be allowed visitation or something.

[Starswillshine]

18 minutes ago, oldgummybear said:

My partner and I are actually both hoping that we can get the child for more time especially when he starts going to school(better school districts, we are both more available and capable to tutor). So having him 100% won't be a burden, but a bless. Parental responsibilities are tiring but also very fulfilling and rewarding. 

This is great and encouraging. Many women can step into that role, but there are some women who are ok with just being a part-time step- mom and don't understand how things can turn on a dime. It is good that you really love having him around!

 

19 minutes ago, oldgummybear said:

But I'm sure from your step-mom's perspective, the situation she stepped into was not easy for her at her young age either.

I can see it now, as I am much older, how hard that was for her. She was only 20 and all of a sudden became a full time mom. My dad did dump a lot of responsibilities onto her which wasn't fair. And she was far too young to really understand the full ramifications. 

20 minutes ago, oldgummybear said:

Do you mind me asking if your dad and step-mom have more children? If so, were there any problems there? One worry that I do have is what if I can't make every kid happy/feels equally loved after going through pregnancy and having my own biological children. 

Yes, they had 2 children together. The biggest difference I noticed was when they were born, she was really affectionate with them. My bio mom was HUGELY affectionate which is something that I missed greatly once she died. My step-mom definitely was not with me. At all. A lot of that was her age and other circumstances (I understand it but...). Once she had my brothers, I was too old to be wanting to be snuggled up with and stuff, but I do remember being happy that she loved up on them but also sad that she never did with me. As I got to my later teens, we became really close. After I had kids of my own, there really was zero difference in the way she treated me versus her bio children. She considers me as her own, and sometimes it is hard to think that she isn't my bio-mom. For a long time, she was amazing with my kids, so I always just considered that as her way of making up for the earliest years of my life. I'm unsure what is going on at the present time. It is probably/likely her own thing and nothing exactly to do with me. But who the heck really knows. 

As far as having them feel completely equal, I think it is hard because kids will always try to compare. My situation was different, but my fiance was raised by a step-dad, and he never felt he treated him any differently than he treats his own kids. Anyway, just treat them the same, love them the same, expect the same for all, etc.