Practical Concerns About Moving in Before Getting Married

[oldgummybear]

4 hours ago, Elswyth said:

I am honestly perplexed that in 2022, there are still so many folks in the "no cohabitation before marriage" camp. While I do respect that everyone has the right to make their own decision in this regard, I hope OP that you at least give some thought to the whys and wherefores, so that it will be your decision alone, and not based on what your parents "allow".

I have known far too many people (normally women) who were burned badly by not living together before getting married. Some found out that their husbands were so badly in debt or so bad with money that they couldn't even pay their share of expenses, putting her in the undiscussed and undesired situation of being the primary breadwinner (this isn't necessarily correlated with income btw - a person can have a high income but still be in debt or terrible at managing their finances). Some found out that their husbands couldn't (or wouldn't) run a load of laundry or cook a simple meal or clean the bathroom. Some found out that their husband would allow the MIL to drop by on a nearly daily basis, or allow her to dictate the running of their household.

You know how people say the first year of marriage is the hardest? Well... that wasn't our experience at all. Because we had gotten all of that adjustment period over with before getting married.

IMO you will never truly know someone, you will never know how they actually contribute to a household or how they behave on a daily basis when you're not around, unless you live with them. And I might be making a mistaken inference here, but my guess is that you might live in a culture where women who file for divorce are highly stigmatized... many of the women I'm talking about do live in such a culture, and most of them stayed in their marriage despite being miserable. So please, just be careful. If you get married and decide that marriage with that person isn't right for you, you stand to lose a LOT more than some furniture and paint.

 

 

 

 

 

You are right, My family is from a culture where divorce in general is stigmatized, and cohabitation before marriage is still relatively frowned upon. I had to work really hard to let my parents accept my partner's situation and see him as he is. It's also my decision to agree to move in before marriage.

Thanks for your advice, I do think an appropriate amount of time of cohabitation before marriage is very helpful. At the same time, my cultural background etc. might make me more anxious/stressed about the situation. 

I love this forum for how many different voices and perspectives I get to hear. Your opinion definitely resonates more with what my friends in real life are doing/saying. Thanks!

[Els]

12 hours ago, oldgummybear said:

You are right, My family is from a culture where divorce in general is stigmatized, and cohabitation before marriage is still relatively frowned upon. I had to work really hard to let my parents accept my partner's situation and see him as he is. It's also my decision to agree to move in before marriage.

Thanks for your advice, I do think an appropriate amount of time of cohabitation before marriage is very helpful. At the same time, my cultural background etc. might make me more anxious/stressed about the situation. 

I love this forum for how many different voices and perspectives I get to hear. Your opinion definitely resonates more with what my friends in real life are doing/saying. Thanks!

I definitely understand the whole cultural background issue, being from such a culture myself. To be perfectly honest, I credit the happy marriage that I have to doing the exact opposite of just about anything that my parents told me to do...

IMO, adhering to "traditional" beliefs are all well and good if a "traditional" marriage is one that you seek. The main problem is that traditional marriages are not about love or happiness or about two equal independent individuals merging their lives... traditional marriages are about fulfilling obligations (to parents, society, and spouse) and about survival and producing offspring.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, oldgummybear said:

You are right, My family is from a culture where divorce in general is stigmatized, and cohabitation before marriage is still relatively frowned upon. I had to work really hard to let my parents accept my partner's situation and see him as he is. It's also my decision to agree to move in before marriage.

Thanks for your advice, I do think an appropriate amount of time of cohabitation before marriage is very helpful. At the same time, my cultural background etc. might make me more anxious/stressed about the situation. 

I love this forum for how many different voices and perspectives I get to hear. Your opinion definitely resonates more with what my friends in real life are doing/saying. Thanks!

Yes, living together may serve as a good test before legally marrying.

However, you can begin now to discuss him hiring contractors to renovate the home. You can also discuss him hiring a nanny and he and the child's mother financing the child's food clothing shelter and needs appropriately.

Don't live together simply to rebel against your family/culture. Do so to get to know him better before you get involved legally with all his unresolved unfinished adaptation to being a single father.

[glows]

19 hours ago, oldgummybear said:

You are right, My family is from a culture where divorce in general is stigmatized, and cohabitation before marriage is still relatively frowned upon. I had to work really hard to let my parents accept my partner's situation and see him as he is. It's also my decision to agree to move in before marriage.

Thanks for your advice, I do think an appropriate amount of time of cohabitation before marriage is very helpful. At the same time, my cultural background etc. might make me more anxious/stressed about the situation. 

I love this forum for how many different voices and perspectives I get to hear. Your opinion definitely resonates more with what my friends in real life are doing/saying. Thanks!

Most cultures stigmatize divorce. And most families will want to protect their children from too much too soon moving and living with someone or investing in a life together if there’s a strong mismatch in values or lifestyle. 

I hope you move in with him in a more comfortable position or at ease/confident about the relationship. The issue isn’t your finances or making a political statement in your culture about living together before marriage. That is easy to do. It’s living, trusting, understanding your partner for a lifetime. You can’t seem to feel at ease about taking that first step in trusting this journey so I’d take more time with this and tread with caution. 

[Lauriebell82]

On 3/2/2022 at 9:52 AM, Elswyth said:

I am honestly perplexed that in 2022, there are still so many folks in the "no cohabitation before marriage" camp. While I do respect that everyone has the right to make their own decision in this regard, I hope OP that you at least give some thought to the whys and wherefores, so that it will be your decision alone, and not based on what your parents "allow".

I have known far too many people (normally women) who were burned badly by not living together before getting married. Some found out that their husbands were so badly in debt or so bad with money that they couldn't even pay their share of expenses, putting her in the undiscussed and undesired situation of being the primary breadwinner (this isn't necessarily correlated with income btw - a person can have a high income but still be in debt or terrible at managing their finances). Some found out that their husbands couldn't (or wouldn't) run a load of laundry or cook a simple meal or clean the bathroom. Some found out that their husband would allow the MIL to drop by on a nearly daily basis, or allow her to dictate the running of their household.

You know how people say the first year of marriage is the hardest? Well... that wasn't our experience at all. Because we had gotten all of that adjustment period over with before getting married.

IMO you will never truly know someone, you will never know how they actually contribute to a household or how they behave on a daily basis when you're not around, unless you live with them. And I might be making a mistaken inference here, but my guess is that you might live in a culture where women who file for divorce are highly stigmatized... many of the women I'm talking about do live in such a culture, and most of them stayed in their marriage despite being miserable. So please, just be careful. If you get married and decide that marriage with that person isn't right for you, you stand to lose a LOT more than some furniture and paint.

 

 

 

 

 

I lived with two previous partners (one of which I married and am now divorced from) and would NEVER live with anyone prior to marriage ever again. 

Personally I do not think living together did anything to "prevent" my divorce. The factors that led to my ex husband asking for the divorce (and he was the one who left) had little to do with anything I did or did not know prior to marriage. And we were together for a long time prior to getting married (4 years). I think the simple fact of the matter IS that I probably am one of those people that need to date someone longer than that to determine marriage compatibility. Plus we were engaged after 2.5 years and then planning a wedding so during "engagement period" I started seeing more troubling behavior but obviously wanting my big fat fancy wedding and had tunnel vision. Hindsight is 20/20. I'm a lot smarter, older, wiser now. I realize that for me, living under one roof is very problematic. Too soon of an engagement is problematic. 

I think the statistic is that the divorce rate drops by 39% for couples who wait 3.5+ years JUST to get engaged (not even marriage!). So that says that living together has zilch to do really with divorce probability. Dating someone enough time and making sure you are compatible is what prevents divorce. There are some things that cohabitation can not prevent or protect from in marital situations. Testing out your relationship was never a thing in the old days and everyone stayed married. It's a lot harder to live seperately and stay together longer then it is to jump the gun and move in together too soon to see if you are compatible. No wonder why cohabitation fails so often!!!!

[Els]

 FWIW, I completely support taking more time to get married or even engaged - that's a separate issue from living together. The OP however appears to strongly believe that 14 months is enough, though, so that's her prerogative.

1 hour ago, Lauriebell82 said:

 Testing out your relationship was never a thing in the old days and everyone stayed married.

Of course you're going to "stay married" regardless of how you feel about your marriage if literally the only thing standing between you and starvation was your husband, because you didn't have the right to go to college, work, or vote... Ditto with being a man and needing to get married to have sex (if you weren't the sort of person to visit prostitutes), and then facing the threat of being ostracized by your family if you left.

Marital happiness and divorce rates are completely unrelated statistics, especially if we're talking about pre-modern times. The focus on personal fulfillment/happiness over and above duty and survival is in fact a modern thing. You can choose to focus on it or not, but you're not gonna have a good time if you're focusing on a modern outcome while trying to use traditional methods to get there.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

To me moving in after one year is kind of early.  It takes a while to really get to know someone and really build that trust..  It is all fine that he proposed but what is the rush in moving in together if you have your own place.  I suggest you slow down and take more time to talk to him about your concerns and come to an agreement prior to moving in.  And only move in when you are feeling happy about your decision.  It is your responsibility to be happy about your decision.  It is not his responsibility to “make” you happy.
‘Your commitment to a shared life with him should not be any different if married or not.  Giving to another is just that, a gift.  
Going into the relationship with all these concerns about what you are paying or whatnot seems calculated.  If things should end, you don’t get to pull out the old calculator…