what the heck? is wrong with me!

[flitzanu]

On 2/28/2022 at 6:00 PM, skyliner34n said:

No because I wanted to wait like she wanted me to. I did try advancing like rubbing against her and I even had try some other sexual advances but she just said she’s not ready yet because due to our age difference and I did respect that. 
 

We were dating like we would French kiss etc…

 

this part does not make sense.  if you were together that long and not even having sex, are you sure this was a relationship?  it sounds more and more like she just used you as a crutch and in your mind you were dating.  

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

it sounds more and more like she just used you as a crutch and in your mind you were dating.

I was thinking the same thing. 

This whole situation is so lopsided, and nowhere near what a true relationship looks like. OP, it sounds like this woman yanked on your chain for a long time and never really took you or your "relationship" seriously. 

[skyliner34n]

2 hours ago, flitzanu said:

 

this part does not make sense.  if you were together that long and not even having sex, are you sure this was a relationship?  it sounds more and more like she just used you as a crutch and in your mind you were dating.  

Even at her age she said we need to get married before we can official live together so that way it will be right in the eyes of her family so gossip doesn’t go around and I’m like okay. That’s where this whole marriage thing started because she wanted me to stay with her but now I’m just more confused then every because she went back on her words. 
 

I did sleep at her house more then a couple times but we never slept today. I would either sleep on the couch or the extra bedroom.

Edited March 2, 2022 by skyliner34n

[glows]

32 minutes ago, skyliner34n said:

Even at her age she said we need to get married before we can official live together so that way it will be right in the eyes of her family so gossip doesn’t go around and I’m like okay. That’s where this whole marriage thing started because she wanted me to stay with her but now I’m just more confused then every because she went back on her words. 
 

I did sleep at her house more then a couple times but we never slept today. I would either sleep on the couch or the extra bedroom.

All the more reason to shut the door on this and thank your lucky stars you are not in a relationship with her or married to her. 

[skyliner34n]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I was thinking the same thing. 

This whole situation is so lopsided, and nowhere near what a true relationship looks like. OP, it sounds like this woman yanked on your chain for a long time and never really took you or your "relationship" seriously. 

Like she didn’t even mind that she was peeing and then I was on the bathroom talking to her while she was peeing and even then we would kiss each other and I got used to it to that I left the door open when I was peeing to.

 

For some reason we need to be married to have sex which I didn’t mind. I have touched her to and everything you can think of but sex is something we can’t do because she wanted it to be right in the sight of GOD which I get and I was like okay. She introduced me to her daughter, her whole family basically. I don’t know what went wrong with anything. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, skyliner34n said:

She introduced me to her daughter, her whole family basically.

How old are her kids? Did you primarily stay at her place?

[skyliner34n]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old are her kids? Did you primarily stay at her place?

Her daughter is 29 so 2 yrs older then me and she approves of us and so did the rest of her family so this doesn’t make any sense with what has happened. I tried texting her this morning and my messages get delivered but no response. If I was blocked then message won’t be even delivered because she also had an iPhone.

[skyliner34n]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old are her kids? Did you primarily stay at her place?

I would go on and off like staying at her place a couple days and staying at my house etc...

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, skyliner34n said:

Her daughter is 29 so 2 yrs older then me.

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do. With respect, kissing and using the bathroom together, doesn't necessarily make it a lasting romantic relationship.

Since she's moved on, focus on getting your physical and mental health in good shape.

[skyliner34n]

56 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do. With respect, kissing and using the bathroom together, doesn't necessarily make it a lasting romantic relationship.

Since she's moved on, focus on getting your physical and mental health in good shape.

I was just saying I don’t know why this happened  this sucks balls and I want her back even though there is a very little chance it may happen  

[glows]

1 hour ago, skyliner34n said:

I was just saying I don’t know why this happened  this sucks balls and I want her back even though there is a very little chance it may happen  

You do know why this happened. She’s not interested anymore. We’ve gone over the reasons why. Treat her as an ex.

[skyliner34n]

57 minutes ago, glows said:

You do know why this happened. She’s not interested anymore. We’ve gone over the reasons why. Treat her as an ex.

Yeah I get it but life is not fair and that bites. I do know there are people worst of then me. I know it may seem like I’m complaining but because I am and this s*** still burns. I still do everything I need to do though but life seems pointless when a piece of your body hurts and what hurts still is my feelings which won’t go away. It may fade eventually but I will never forget her and she will always be stuck in my head.

[glows]

6 minutes ago, skyliner34n said:

Yeah I get it but life is not fair and that bites. I do know there are people worst of then me. I know it may seem like I’m complaining but because I am and this s*** still burns. I still do everything I need to do though but life seems pointless when a piece of your body hurts and what hurts still is my feelings which won’t go away. It may fade eventually but I will never forget her and she will always be stuck in my head.

What are you doing for yourself besides work? Get out of this rut. You’re going around and around in circles over a lady you dated 6 months ago and she didn’t even seem very with it. Why are your standards so low? You’re 27 not 107 so go out and enjoy your life. You’re adopting a lot of issues from this previous short relationship. Time to let go of the baggage. 

Be in new places and physically leave the house. Take yourself out to dinner after work or call a friend and do something new. Buy or rent a boat. Have a barbecue. Join a club. Go golfing. Golf a different course. Get a haircut. Try new things. 

[skyliner34n]

11 minutes ago, glows said:

What are you doing for yourself besides work? Get out of this rut. You’re going around and around in circles over a lady you dated 6 months ago and she didn’t even seem very with it. Why are your standards so low? You’re 27 not 107 so go out and enjoy your life. You’re adopting a lot of issues from this previous short relationship. Time to let go of the baggage. 

Be in new places and physically leave the house. Take yourself out to dinner after work or call a friend and do something new. Buy or rent a boat. Have a barbecue. Join a club. Go golfing. Golf a different course. Get a haircut. Try new things. 

I do go and run after work. I tend to sometimes hang out with people but at the end of the day when I’m in bed I can’t stop thinking bout her even though I want to.

[glows]

1 minute ago, skyliner34n said:

I do go and run after work. I tend to sometimes hang out with people but at the end of the day when I’m in bed I can’t stop thinking bout her even though I want to.

That’s good. Keep on track with your other commitments or goals. Enjoy your time with your friends. Let this fade out and you’ll have to put aside the questions about why she is a certain way. All this will fade once you stop giving it meaning to your life. Move forwards.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, skyliner34n said:

she will always be stuck in my head.

This is your inexperience speaking. 

It is very unlikely you will never move past her. It is also very unlikely that this is the best you will ever have. You admit that this was your first relationship, so you have nothing to compare this to yet. You've got no frame of reference for the pain. But very few people stay stuck on their first boyfriend or girlfriend forever. 

You are still processing and it will take time to emotionally detach. But there's no real reason why you won't get there. And take the lessons learned here moving forward: don't become someone's lap-dog and lose yourself so much next time. 

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, skyliner34n said:

I do go and run after work. I tend to sometimes hang out with people but at the end of the day when I’m in bed I can’t stop thinking bout her even though I want to.

I am going to propose something most people don't ever consider, but why is it so important that you stop thinking about her?  Why not simply allow yourself to think about her, feel those feelings (missing her, longing for her), give your feelings time to rise up to the surface, and then you can release them, forever!  But you have to FEEL those emotions first before that will happen.

By doing things to distract yourself from experiencing those emotions, all you're doing is suppressing them, burying them which is to your detriment because it doesn't allow you to release those emotions and ultimately HEAL.

It's been said that suffering leads to healing and I believe that.   Speaking for myself, when I have had breakups and still loved my partner, I allowed myself to feel all those emotions - sadness, hurt, joy, happiness, sorrow, missing and longing. With one particular breakup, I even contemplated suicide.

It's all part of healing and moving on.  Which I always did.  Some breakups took longer than others to heal from but I always did.

I realize I am different but I don't mind feeling pain, at least I know I am alive and can feel!  

I embrace that pain and again eventually it rises up to surface and gets released.

Once that happens, you are healed and free to love again versus carrying all this negative baggage with you that you most likely will take with you into your NEXT relationship, wreaking havoc on both you and your new partner.  

Lack of trust, fear of abandonment, fear of getting hurt, fear of closeness and intimacy, fear of commitment, among other fears.

Be patient with yourself, it will be okay I promise you.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 3, 2022 by poppyfields

[vla1120]

5 hours ago, skyliner34n said:

when I’m in bed I can’t stop thinking bout her even though I want to.

You were in a co-dependent relationship with her. She did all the taking and you did all the giving. At no point in time would I EVER have expected someone to stay up all night with me, or go to work with only a couple hours of sleep, as you seem to have done many times. She is clearly a thoughtless person. 

Right now, you think this woman is God's gift. She's not. Trust me. Give yourself a little time to recover. You are young. You will meet someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, then you will wonder why you ever put up with this woman's nonsense. 

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I am going to propose something most people don't ever consider, but why is it so important that you stop thinking about her?  Why not simply allow yourself to think about her, feel those feelings (missing her, longing for her), give your feelings time to rise up to the surface, and then you can release them, forever!  But you have to FEEL those emotions first before that will happen.

I don't think we suggest this often enough.  Yes!  Most of need to process grief and sadness and wallow for a bit before the sun starts to shine again.

 

[poppyfields]

35 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I don't think we suggest this often enough.  Yes!  Most of need to process grief and sadness and wallow for a bit before the sun starts to shine again.

I think it's really important.  Otherwise, as I said, those emotions get suppressed, buried. 

Problem is, they are still there lurking within and WILL re-appear eventually, most likely when you enter into another relationship.

I mean how many threads do we have to read to know that's true?   People in new relationships who haven't fully healed from their previous one.

It almost always starts with "I have trust issues from my previous relationship."  Or "I can't be vulnerable or allow myself to be close as I am too afraid of getting hurt."

If I were to venture a guess, that person didn't take the time necessary to experience the painful emotions from their breakup, they may have immediately started dating again to distract themselves which is what typically happens.  Or knocked themselves out trying stay busy with other endeavors (which is fine) but many use a method to distract themselves from feeling their grief. 

Some use drinking or drugs or even promiscuity to distract themselves.

None of those things lead to healing, you're actually hindering it.

Anyway, something to consider.  A good therapist may be able to help you process your grief as well.

 

 

Edited March 3, 2022 by poppyfields

[skyliner34n]

I still haven't even deleted her pictures of my phone or any of her emails that she sent me  Last email I got was 1/26/22 and I still haven't deleted her voicemails. UGG. I know I should but I can't! I am holding onto something for no reason and I still have cards from her and I still... I just miss her so much. I don't really know what to do at this point in my life. 

 

I just wish I can turn back time and make everything right.

Edited March 5, 2022 by skyliner34n

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, skyliner34n said:

. I don't really know what to do at this point in my life. 

Yes you do. Make an appointment with a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.

Discuss the suicidal ideation and inertia and ruminating. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

The focus needs to be on you your life and your health. Unfortunately it seems more as though she was a nurturing mother figure, but with support from the appropriate health professionals, you can get through it.

[glows]

10 hours ago, skyliner34n said:

I still haven't even deleted her pictures of my phone or any of her emails that she sent me  Last email I got was 1/26/22 and I still haven't deleted her voicemails. UGG. I know I should but I can't! I am holding onto something for no reason and I still have cards from her and I still... I just miss her so much. I don't really know what to do at this point in my life. 

 

I just wish I can turn back time and make everything right.

Do you keep looking at the photos? I don’t think I’ve ever deleted anything weeks after a break up. I just let them be until the phone ran out of space or I got a new one. I’ve not deleted emails either. You’re struggling quite a lot. Have you perhaps considered seeing a doctor to deal with the distractions? Break ups are difficult but stay busy with your after work routine and stay very busy at work. 

Do you have plans like learning a new language or playing an instrument? Or where do you see yourself in your career several years from now? Feelings don’t just drop off like that. They fade and take time and are replaced by other emotions. Keep a level head and find other things you can really get into or feel passionate about. 

[skyliner34n]

6 hours ago, glows said:

Do you keep looking at the photos? I don’t think I’ve ever deleted anything weeks after a break up. I just let them be until the phone ran out of space or I got a new one. I’ve not deleted emails either. You’re struggling quite a lot. Have you perhaps considered seeing a doctor to deal with the distractions? Break ups are difficult but stay busy with your after work routine and stay very busy at work. 

Do you have plans like learning a new language or playing an instrument? Or where do you see yourself in your career several years from now? Feelings don’t just drop off like that. They fade and take time and are replaced by other emotions. Keep a level head and find other things you can really get into or feel passionate about. 

Well I had gotten the job I wanted but I had quit because she told me to but now she’s not here:( it was to become a cop and now I probably can’t go back because I have suicide record Back in March of 2020 because she had left me then also. I got emitted to the er for almost committing suicide. 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, skyliner34n said:

it was to become a cop and now I probably can’t go back because I have suicide record Back in March of 2020. I got emitted to the er for almost committing suicide. 

Sorry this is happening. This is why it's important to follow up with your physicians and therapist.