Secret Love? Need help figuring this out.

[Moonsuponmoons]

Hey, so Ive never posted on here before so I have no idea what the community is like here but I am nearing my wits end and in need of some advice or opinions. I need to tell you how we got into this for you to understand where we stand today. Here we go.  

We are in our mid twenties. 

This began almost 10 years ago. We attended the same university in two programs in the same building. Id see her in the hallways and was attracted to her instantly. One day I got the nerve up to introduce myself and after that we would exchange smiles whenever we saw each other. After awhile she popped up in my Facebook and I friended her. From there we carried on casual conversations nothing more. 

I spent one evening late in the library till the librarian shewed me out of the building so she could close. I walked home and got the my front door, here I realized I forgot my keys in the library. I spent the next hour knocking on the door to see if my roomates would hear me. Since my roomates and I barely interacted I didnt have their phone numbers so I couldnt call them. I resorted to contacting my school friends to see if anyone would let me crash for the night. While I waited for replies I saw that Sarah was online and messaged her. Just more friendly chat to keep my company. After abit she asked what I was up too and I told her I was locked out and not sure what to do. She then offered to come pick me up and let me crash on her couch. I was admittedly excited. I liked her but I didnt really know her that well yet. But its also October and its cold. So I accepted Sarah's offer and not long after did she pull up to pick me up. 

The drive was friendly. She was in her PJs. I felt abit bad because she was obviously in bed when I messaged her. We pull up at her house and she tells me we need to be quiet as her roommates were asleep. So we need into her basement room and she flips on the lights. Amongst her things was a smattering of photos of her and her boyfriend. I felt a pang of disappointment as I realized my chances of things going further with Sarah diminished. She told me about him and that he lived a few towns over and they were doing long distance until she finished school. There was a couch in her room and she said I could sleep there. As she grabbed blankets I stretched out on the couch and as a tall human, did not fit whatsoever on this thing. She noticed immediately and tried to trouble shoot sleeping positions with me. It was funny and we laughed trying to make it work but it was obviously not happening. I offered to take the floor but she refused, citing that she had not vacuumed in some time. In light of this I hopped back in the couch said I was liable to fall asleep even if I was a bit uncomfortable. She relented and moved to her bed on the other side of the room. Maybe 5 minutes in the dark passed when she flipped the bedside table lamp on. She told me to get into her bed and that as her guest I should be at least as comfortable as she was. Feeling my heart pound at the offer nodded and came over to the bed. I was still dressed in my street wear and she told me that I had to take off my cloths if I was going to get in with her. Im sure you can guess what happened next. 

I didnt sleep at all. I had to much adrenaline pumping in my veins for that. I was caught feeling guilty that I might have ruined her relationship or worse. Once the sun came up I slipped out of bed and let myself out. I walked right to the library and grabbed my things, and walked home. I was still full of adrenaline but after all that walking I passed out. When I woke up, I slept all day, I missed classes and missed messages from Sarah. She had asked if we could talk that night and I agreed. I didn't want to be a problem for her. So we met that that evening at the school in an empty classroom. Sarah was in tears, scared about losing her relationship. They had been together for 10 years. They started dating early in high school. Feeling terrible, I told her I wouldn't say a word to anyone. That I would pretend to not even know her. She found this comforting. We talked over every moment of that night together. Investigating how it came to happen and why. We admitted a mutual attraction and that neither of us expected it to go so far so fast. We didnt talk for awhile after that. 

A few weeks later she came messaged me asking if I was home. I was and after telling her that, she said she was on her way over and that she needed to talk to me. I was scared that maybe someone found out or that her boyfriend found out. Fearing that she was coming over to give me a comeuppins for ruining her life I waited in the stairwell. I shook like a leaf. I saw her pull up and get out of her car. I let her in and she immediatly began to cry. After some consoling she told me she felt super guilty for creating this situation. I assured her that we created it together and were both at fault. That I was sorry. We sat in my room on my bed holding each other and we cried together. Thats when it happened. She looked up at me and out eyes met. We kissed and ended up spending the night together again. 

For the next year and a half she would come to my house a couple times a week. Shagging eventually turned into hanging out. We even went on a few dates. It was like we did everything backwards. I was head over heels for her. I wanted nothing more than our nights together. Wandering the city at midnight to 4am. Hand in hand. It was our secret. I told her that I was inlove with her and she admitted that she loved me too. For as much magic there was, there was also pain. After all it was a secret and if anyone found it would spell the end of her relationship with her boyfriend.  After awhile I couldn't take it anymore. It was nearing the end of her last semester and I made the mistake of giving her an ultimatum. That either she had to leave her boyfriend or we had to break it off. I had hope. We had talked about a future together. However, she ended up choosing her life with her boyfriend and moved back to her home town with him.

I was heartbroken. I fell into depression and alcohol. I met another girl (Amy) we had a mess of a relationship. I wasnt happy. About six months passed and one night I got a message from Sarah. She was in town and wanted to drop by. I agreed and we took a drive. I was angry and in a bad way. Sarah noticed this and I did not relent in letting her know I was hurt. She pulled over and held me. I cried and just like that time in my room. Our eyes met and we kissed. Here we go again... For the remainder of my semester she would visit me about once a month. As my time at the school was coming to and end and now out of money, I had to move back home fully 6 hours away from Sarah. I remeber the say I moved. Amy was in tears I was leaving but I have to admit that I was more upset that I wasnt going to see Sarah anymore. With all my stuff packed up, I went over to Amy's for a goodbye party. After a few hours I got a message from Sarah. She told sent me a long goodbye message. That she had driven to my house to say goodbye and was upset fearing she missed me. After reading this message I immediately got up and left the party. It was not subtle. I basically ran. I ran home. A few blocks from Amy's place. I saw Sarah car in my driveway and called out to her. We had our movie kiss moment and said our goodbyes. That we would try to keep in touch if we could and wished eachother well. I cried on my way back to Amys. She was waiting for me outside and asked where I was. I couldnt tell her but she suspected somthing. 

The next day my ride came and took me and all my stuff home and I have been here ever since. 

Im married now. Her name is Rebecca. We have a difficult relationship but we are good for each other and work on it. She's much older than I am 15 years older. Needless to say we have our moments. We have been together for 6 years. Over this time I had kept in contact with Sarah. She married her Boyfriend and they bought a house together. I am happy for them. Some times we flirt a little but nothing much more than compliments and occasionally an inside joke related to our more intimate encounters. At least we were just messaging until the pandemic. We started messaging more often as each others lives slowed to a near halt. We confided in each other about each others martial issues and did mental health checkins. I cant put my finger on when but these messages turned from semi-flirting to much more. Just like the night after we hooked up all those years ago we went back and dissected our time together at school. Trying to figure out how we were drawn together and she told me that she "Really was inlove with two people at the same time." And I have to admit that I still carry a flame for her.  We would exchange explicit photos and messages. Recently she was layed off from work and asked if she could call me as she was spending all her days at home on her phone waiting for her position to open back up. I agreed. Yesterday we chatted for about an hour. Nothing special just chatting. But after we hung up it was like all my past feelings returned to me. Her voice just brought it all back. She called again today and... it didnt take long for it to become phone sex. 

So here we are dear reader. 

I like to think that I am abit wiser now that some time has passed.. I know its bad. I carried our secret for her for years. I knew then that If I spilled the beans that her life as she knew it would end. That would be horrible for Sarah and I dont want that to happen. Now even more so as its mutual. Sort of mutual atleast. Since my wife is older and has lived a very adventurous life she has told me dozens of times that If I want to pursue something with someone younger and that she has my blessing as long as I am upfront we can make an arrangement. I dont know what to do. I want to be upfront and tell her that there is someone I would like to explore with but at the same time I can't because Sarah does not have the same understanding with her husband. 

So thats where I am at. Im not sure what to do. Im not sure how to describe Sarah and I relationship. I want to tell Rebecca but I dont want to blow up Sarah's life doing it. 

So I am looking for some advice on what to do and if you can help me understand Sarah and I's relationship. 

[glows]

The person in the dark right now is your wife so come clean and tell her about Sarah.

Your wife and you will have to decide on boundaries if you’re going to have an open marriage. This means a discussion with your wife about what you agree is acceptable and not acceptable when it comes to your other relationships. 

You seem confused because you’ve known Sarah for longer. Talk with your wife. Regardless of where this goes with your wife deserves to know that you’re having an emotional relationship and in contact with an old school fling. Those boundaries are already crossed when you started speaking more often with Sarah and having phone sex.

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Moonsuponmoons said:

We are in our mid twenties. This began almost 10 years ago. . Shagging eventually turned into hanging out. . she ended up choosing her life with her boyfriend and moved back to her home town with him.

I fell into depression and alcohol

Sorry this happened. You started hanging out at 15 years old?

Don't date girls who have BFs, it's not worth the headaches or heartaches.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the depression and drinking. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

 

[mark clemson]

It seems like there is probably little point in an open marriage. The one you would want it with would be Sarah, but having that with her would presumably be a threat to your marriage if you still harbor feelings. I suspect your wife is thinking more "occasional roll in the hay" type of thing with her openness. So it would not be fair to your wife.

Although your wife sounds flexible and understanding, I'd say that IF you open up to her about Sarah, make it clear (and be committed yourself) that Sarah be in the past only, so that you are discussing your past with her. It's one thing to discuss a past love you had strong feelings for, quite another to discuss someone you currently want. You also want to make clear to her that telling Sarah's husband is off the table, since that is your view on the matter.

My thought would be that if you can't put (and leave) Sarah in the past, then she represents a genuine danger to your present marriage, and so you should leave any thoughts of being with her alone until you are fully over her (sounds like it may be a long time).

IF you are going to practice polyamory (an open marriage) and want to keep your marriage, then I strongly suggest you do sustained internet research on how to do it without it wrecking your marriage, as that is apparently a LOT easier said than done.

[stillafool]

I don't think you are in the right frame of mind to have casual sex with Sarah even if your wife approves.   You will fall back in love with her and probably already have.  Again Sarah is willing to cheat but not leave her husband, just cheat on him.  Sad to say but she would do the same thing to you if you were with her.   I think you would do well to leave this woman where she belongs - in your past.

[vla1120]

I believe what your wife has in mind is different that reconnecting with an old flame from college. I don't think she would want or expect you to fall in love with your side fling. As much as it may hurt, you and Sarah need to come to terms with the fact that neither of you is available and you are betraying your SOs by carrying on with this affair, even if it is only emotional, at this point. You already asked her once to leave her boyfriend and choose you. She chose her boyfriend. Ideally, you should cut all contact with her before this blows up in both of your faces and gets ugly. 

[Mrin]

5 hours ago, vla1120 said:

I believe what your wife has in mind is different that reconnecting with an old flame from college. I don't think she would want or expect you to fall in love with your side fling. As much as it may hurt, you and Sarah need to come to terms with the fact that neither of you is available and you are betraying your SOs by carrying on with this affair, even if it is only emotional, at this point. You already asked her once to leave her boyfriend and choose you. She chose her boyfriend. Ideally, you should cut all contact with her before this blows up in both of your faces and gets ugly. 

Agreed. You should explore with this topic much more with your wife before you assume that she would be okay with this. 

[pepperbird2]

seems you're both using each other, plus the other s in your lives.

Base don what you say, you use your wife for stability, a place to call home-almost a "mother" of sorts. You use Sarah and an emotional outlet , and in turn, she uses you and she uses he husband just as you sue your wife.

All told, I'm not seeing much love here. It sounds much more like a habit.